Cycle of Abuse - even after divorce it doesn’t seem to end with BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I consider myself pretty lucky. I got out pretty early from my relationship with my BPD ex. We were only together 2 1/2 years in total but during that time we definitely went through the stages of abuse - honeymoon stage, then gradual digs or occasional outbursts but apologies or explanations, then more frequent outbursts, then verbal aggression and breaking things, then a physical event (at which point I insisted we went to counseling), and then a few months later the physical assault that ended our relationship. Initially I tried to get him to go to a counselor but when he was resistant and wouldn’t take accountability he was charged shortly after. I never looked back after that point.

So at first though I was scared, embarrassed, angry and sad, I also felt free. I no longer had to put up with the Jekyll and Hyde. I no longer had to walk on eggshells. It was liberating in many ways despite the obvious stress of a breakup and the road that was before me. Going through the court system both criminal and family court, was hugely eye opening and that sure didn’t help much with my self-esteem. Having to prove myself over and over. Not being able to say certain things in criminal court because of his right to a fair trial. What about the rights of the victim? How can his past charge and restraining order not be allowed to be brought up? God was looking over and in the end he was given a criminal record. It also allowed for a restraining order that gave me distance from this man for a few years. That was a godsend. That gave me the space I needed to build myself back up and to work on myself. When the restraining order expired it wasn’t a big deal because he had a partner so he no longer would feel the need to reach out to me in any way. As mentioned those 3 years were blissful.

But then I got pulled back in when he and his ex split. I made the erroneous decision to try to be supportive and help get him on his feet again. It was kind of like the start of our relationship in many ways. He was thankful and seemed to listen. He never seemed to take ownership but there were occasional aha moments that made me think “this is progress.” But then just like when we were a couple he slipped back into those moments where he would rip a strip off me. I remember one time last year he called me from Cuba. He was drunk and when I said I didn’t think it was a good idea that our 6 yr old daughter take her phone to school so she could call him there (he bought the phone for her despite my objections btw), he went ballistic. Swearing at me, calling me names, putting me down. I hung up on him and blocked him. He texted my 10 yr old daughter (my older daughter, not his daughter) and told her that her mother had issues. I don’t know how he had her number. I should have cut the communication then but didn’t. Where was the confidence that I had tried so hard those last few years to build. It was gone. Shortly after when he took a second trip south using his insurance money and not telling anyone where he was going, disappearing for a couple of weeks...I was quite angry. But of course when he returned and I questioned his actions he said he had gone away to off himself. That the thought of his daughter was what brought him back. Though I was still angry I accepted it and felt badly for him. How the heck did I let myself get pulled in again?

So here we are now a year later from that and 2 years since his split.  I tried to instill boundaries which he didn’t like and he pushed back hard. As his text messages grew more heated and derogatory in nature I decreased communication and now finally will only communicate through a site (or email if I have to). But after reflecting on where I am right now I’m angry...at him, at myself. After all that I went through to get out of it, I feel like I have been pulled right back into that cycle. Anxiety whenever I have to deal with him, shaking with anger while reading his insults and lies. The spinning in my brain going over these exchanges and knowing that he will always be the same. And the ultimate fear that aside from the emotional crap that our daughter will be exposed to, that one day when she decides to talk back to him that he may respond with physicality.

I’m in a much better place than I was 6 1/2 years ago. I see a counselor regularly and I have different coping mechanisms in place. But I can see definite ways in how my self-esteem has taken a hit lately. Being aware of it is half the battle and I have the tools to build it back up again but this has been really bothersome to me. I am going to have to be much more mindful moving forward so that he doesn’t pull me in again. It never ends with someone like this. I still have the hope that he will meet someone stable like his last partner and it will be quiet again but it won’t be the same because when he was with her I thought everything was ok but after their split she disclosed things were not. It can be hugely draining at times to know that this will always be ongoing. I hope that this past lesson will sink deeply enough that I won’t allow myself to get pulled in again.

[StillHopeful73]

I consider myself pretty lucky. I got out pretty early from my relationship with my BPD ex. We were only together 2 1/2 years in total but during that time we definitely went through the stages of abuse - honeymoon stage, then gradual digs or occasional outbursts but apologies or explanations, then more frequent outbursts, then verbal aggression and breaking things, then a physical event (at which point I insisted we went to counseling), and then a few months later the physical assault that ended our relationship. Initially I tried to get him to go to a counselor but when he was resistant and wouldn’t take accountability he was charged shortly after. I never looked back after that point.

So at first though I was scared, embarrassed, angry and sad, I also felt free. I no longer had to put up with the Jekyll and Hyde. I no longer had to walk on eggshells. It was liberating in many ways despite the obvious stress of a breakup and the road that was before me. Going through the court system both criminal and family court, was hugely eye opening and that sure didn’t help much with my self-esteem. Having to prove myself over and over. Not being able to say certain things in criminal court because of his right to a fair trial. What about the rights of the victim? How can his past charge and restraining order not be allowed to be brought up? God was looking over and in the end he was given a criminal record. It also allowed for a restraining order that gave me distance from this man for a few years. That was a godsend. That gave me the space I needed to build myself back up and to work on myself. When the restraining order expired it wasn’t a big deal because he had a partner so he no longer would feel the need to reach out to me in any way. As mentioned those 3 years were blissful.

But then I got pulled back in when he and his ex split. I made the erroneous decision to try to be supportive and help get him on his feet again. It was kind of like the start of our relationship in many ways. He was thankful and seemed to listen. He never seemed to take ownership but there were occasional aha moments that made me think “this is progress.” But then just like when we were a couple he slipped back into those moments where he would rip a strip off me. I remember one time last year he called me from Cuba. He was drunk and when I said I didn’t think it was a good idea that our 6 yr old daughter take her phone to school so she could call him there (he bought the phone for her despite my objections btw), he went ballistic. Swearing at me, calling me names, putting me down. I hung up on him and blocked him. He texted my 10 yr old daughter (my older daughter, not his daughter) and told her that her mother had issues. I don’t know how he had her number. I should have cut the communication then but didn’t. Where was the confidence that I had tried so hard those last few years to build. It was gone. Shortly after when he took a second trip south using his insurance money and not telling anyone where he was going, disappearing for a couple of weeks...I was quite angry. But of course when he returned and I questioned his actions he said he had gone away to off himself. That the thought of his daughter was what brought him back. Though I was still angry I accepted it and felt badly for him. How the heck did I let myself get pulled in again?

So here we are now a year later from that and 2 years since his split.  I tried to instill boundaries which he didn’t like and he pushed back hard. As his text messages grew more heated and derogatory in nature I decreased communication and now finally will only communicate through a site (or email if I have to). But after reflecting on where I am right now I’m angry...at him, at myself. After all that I went through to get out of it, I feel like I have been pulled right back into that cycle. Anxiety whenever I have to deal with him, shaking with anger while reading his insults and lies. The spinning in my brain going over these exchanges and knowing that he will always be the same. And the ultimate fear that aside from the emotional crap that our daughter will be exposed to, that one day when she decides to talk back to him that he may respond with physicality.

I’m in a much better place than I was 6 1/2 years ago. I see a counselor regularly and I have different coping mechanisms in place. But I can see definite ways in how my self-esteem has taken a hit lately. Being aware of it is half the battle and I have the tools to build it back up again but this has been really bothersome to me. I am going to have to be much more mindful moving forward so that he doesn’t pull me in again. It never ends with someone like this. I still have the hope that he will meet someone stable like his last partner and it will be quiet again but it won’t be the same because when he was with her I thought everything was ok but after their split she disclosed things were not. It can be hugely draining at times to know that this will always be ongoing. I hope that this past lesson will sink deeply enough that I won’t allow myself to get pulled in again.

[livednlearned]

Be kind to yourself. You felt something and followed through and it didn't work out. When you know better you do better.

The loops get smaller and fewer, farther between, in my experience. For me, the two steps back happen with new people. I'm learning to recognizing the specific feelings I have that open those doors. My alarm system seems to be fainter than what others experience. I also sense someone in distress and get a codependent rush, a sense that I and only I can help this person, everyone else is against them.

You are probably conditioned to respond a certain way when someone is struggling and that conditioning feels a certain way in the body. When you start to notice those signs, it gets easier to assemble a louder warning system, one that steers you toward opposite actions than what you're used to.

I also practice in my daily life even with the small stuff. Saying no without explanation, having boundaries simply because it's something I want. Ending conversations (a problem for me...). I have to pay attention to my body because I am not good at listening to verbal cues.

Mindfulness has been helpful with this.

[StillHopeful73]

Thank you, livednlearned. I agree with you...now that I know better I will do better.

I really appreciate your insight on why I responded the way that I did. I hadn't thought about it that way before. When I see someone struggle I definitely do have this underlying drive to help. Not just with my ex but in many facets in my life.

I think my "alarm system" may be less sensitive than others' also. Which is why I have had friends or been in other relationships where there wasn't necessarily abuse, but toxicity. I have realized it eventually and got out or distanced myself from the person, but I think it takes me longer than it would most others.

Upon reflection it was odd to me that with all that this man has done to me during our relationship and after that I still felt the need to try and help/be supportive. I thought it was for our daughter, and a big part of it was, but I also now realize that I was doing it because it is what I often automatically do.

It's not necessarily a bad thing I suppose, as having empathy and wanting to help is a good thing, but now that I'm aware of this conditioned response I can be more mindful of watching for the signs. 

Although I have come a long way when it comes to saying no to people or verbalizing my needs, I still have a long way to go. And you're right, I can only get better by practicing. I have said no to my ex a number of times over the past couple of years, but unfortunately by saying yes at other times I undid all of the good from being firm. Lesson learned. Thanks again.

[livednlearned]

It's not necessarily a bad thing I suppose, as having empathy and wanting to help is a good thing, but now that I'm aware of this conditioned response I can be more mindful of watching for the signs.

Harriet Lerner (author of Dancing with Anger and other books) talks about the tension between focusing on others at the expense of ourselves, and focusing on ourselves at the expense of others.

I was much more prone to focus on others at the expense of myself.

I like the idea that we are always navigating this tension, it's never all or nothing. Each circumstance we can only learn to listen and at times, override old habits. It doesn't mean you can't ever focus on others. To me it means always checking in to make sure I'm not doing it at my own expense. Often, I did. I have a high threshold for nonsense, and don't always pay attention to when I'm entering what I think of as expensive terrain  

Saying no without an explanation has been a work in progress. I always feel I have to explain to people why I can't help them, when the truth is that if I don't want to do something, I don't have to. Full stop.

It seems to be related to other things like nervous talking, trouble ending conversations, saying no, feeling a sense of self-importance when others aren't doing ok, and other things that have roots in childhood for me.

I also sense that when something feels selfish, it's probably a sign that I'm taking care of myself. I was raised that any time I made myself a priority, I was being selfish. And yet the opposite is true. I am not of much help to others if I come last.

We live and learn

[StillHopeful73]

Thanks again livednlearned. I can relate quite a bit to what you are saying. As I mentioned prior I’m much better now at saying no but I always feel the need to explain or give a reason. At work I’ve been trying to really pay attention to what I’m writing in my emails lately and have been making a point of erasing an explanation about why I said no if it isn’t really needed. Baby steps. I used to always do this with my ex but I’m trying to be better. Keep it brief after all, right?

So many of us don’t put ourselves first and we really should. It’s like the airplane safety spiel that the flight attendants go over before take off. If the air pressure changes and you don’t put your mask on first then you can’t help anyone else. Or maybe I even read that on here somewhere