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Author Topic: Wife saying she’s moving out... again...  (Read 479 times)
Sufferingsoul34
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« on: March 24, 2019, 10:32:33 AM »

Hi all, it’s been a while since posting on here as things have been going well and I’ve been in a good place. I guess that’s the time when borderlines are more likely to cause chaos though...

I was in England for ten days visiting family. Before that I was living in the states with my wife and getting on well. Half way through my trip to England she messaged me saying that it only takes one person to file for divorce in this state. We haven’t talked about divorce for ages so this was out of the blue... I ignored it as I didn’t want to feed her with this, then after a couple of days she was messaging me like normal.

I arrive back in the states and things were ok for a couple of days, then on Friday night we go for a meal and she says let’s look for some apartments (currently we are living in her mums basement apartment and have been for 2 years). I said ok great so we were looking up some apartments and we said let’s go and view them tomorrow morning. So that was the plan.

She wakes up at 5am and is hugging me, then half an hour later out of nowhere she keeps saying she doesn’t know how much money I earn, doesn’t know if I’m doing fraud or what I’m doing with my money. I told her that I support her I pay the rent and everything I do is above board, I told her everything I do and offered to show her like I’ve done many times and she has no interest. It’s like she would rather just fight and have something against me.

During my time in England she spent a lot of time with her brother who’s wife just left him, he’s always talking about how he doesn’t believe in love etc but I think he’s borderline too! Also their dad left when my wife was 6 so they’ve always had hatred for men and trying to screw him for money he has, saying he has dirty money as they think he works cash and doesn’t declare or something but deep down I think a lot of the time I’m getting the backlash from whatever her dad did or does or whatever they think he’s done and I’m the one subconsciiulynin their brains who’s getting the pain of it.

She then randomly gets up and starts packing all of her stuff and wanting to move out. I ask what she’s doing but had to be careful as didn’t want to give her too much of a reaction so I stayed calm and said to her that I love her and me and the dog will miss her but if it’s something she has to do then I understand.
An hour later after everything is packed, she asks me if I will go to the bank to cash some checks as we had a tax rebate and she needed me there, so I went with her then she randomly decided to buy a car for 12k... she’s been known for her shopping outbursts in the past but never 12k in a day... anyway she did need her own car so that was that.
During the day she got back and asked me to look at the car she had bought which was nice.
In the evening she got home from where’ve she went and I was resting in bed, she got onto the bed and rested too. I put some tv on after a while then randomly she got up and started taking pictures of everything in the apartment and people were coming to buy it. I asked her what she’s doing and she said she’s selling some of the stuff.

This morning she wakes up and says she has an appointment so I’m guessing she had a viewing for a property to rent, who knows if it’s for me or her alone or what but its kind of messing me up.

All my family are in England and it’s always hard for me to sacrifice leaving them to be with my wife here, but I don’t know what to do, she seems very very unstable and last night selling all this stuff it seems she was going abit crazy. She takes Prozac daily which helps but I don’t know if she’s stopped taking that lately which can send her abit mad... 

As always though it’s whenever she feels closer to me that she pushes me away, I guess that’s a classic borderline trait. I’ve been doing very well with my codependency lately and working on myself and this is a huge test and I feel like I’m failing...

What do I do, if she says she’s moving out now do I just let her be? Or chase her? Say stay? It seems to be very irrational thinking especially as the night before we were planning properties to move into for a 12 month contract... few weeks ago she wanted me to get her pregnant too!
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2019, 10:23:13 AM »

It's enough to give you emotional whiplash, isn't it?

I think you did the right thing by staying calm.

Have you tried sitting her down and talking to her about all this? If she's determined to go, there's really nothing you can do to stop her. But do you think she'd be receptive to hearing your thoughts and feelings (delivered calmly, gently, with lots of empathy and no "blame")?
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2019, 02:14:57 PM »

Yes definitely it’s enough to send anybody insane... yesterday she carried on packing and the answer to your question is that I did try to talk to her about it. Her response was that she hasn’t wanted this for years and she feels happier when having affairs with other guys... which was a pain to my heart. I asked her if she had been cheating and she said yes a few times. I don’t know what to do... there codependency and caring personality of me wants to forgive her and have a fresh start. I tried to be caring and told her nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes.

I don’t want anybody else and now I am having many regrets about what I could have done differently, maybe we should have had a baby when she wanted a few weeks ago... I’m so confused.

The latest is that she told me to move out today so all my stuff is packed and I am ready to move back to England, but that’s not really what I want. I want her and I am finding it hard to have an appetite today. I fell asleep on her crying last night even though I try not to show my emotions to her but I couldn’t help it. She hugged me and we slept then this morning she went to work and didn’t say a word. Again that may be abit of the push pull.

In the past we have broken up and got back a week/2 later and the last time it was more like 2 months she came to see me in England then we got back together.

I know this has happened before but this time with the possibility of other guys being involved I don’t know what to do.

I am going crazy, had anybody got any helpful coping mechanisms? Literally haven’t stopped crying alday. I had a flight booked to England today which I rationally booked in my emotions last night but I didn’t take the flight as I want to fight even a couple of more days, but from reading this forum I understand if her mind is set to go I just need to wait for her to reach out right?
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2019, 02:55:24 PM »

If her mind is set then, yes, that's right. There's really not much you can do.

(I know it's natural to second-guess, but I have to say, having a baby with her considering everything, would likely NOT have helped.)

The push-pull is classic. And co-dependent responses are definitely common. You'll find a lot of members here who have been through or are going through exactly what you're experiencing. I'd encourage you to read around and post in other members' threads as well. You may be able to help each other.

But for you and your immediate situation: It's generally best not to make major, life-changing decisions in emotional moments. Is there someplace you can go — for instance to a friend's place — while you try to get your head on straight?

Also, you say you've been working on your co-dependency. What sort of work have you been doing? How have you noticed improvement?
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2019, 04:42:38 PM »

Not really anywhere to go, all my friends are in England and also family so that’s why it’s even harder. I could possibly get a hotel or go to a different city or something for abit. The last time this happens was 6 months ago when we left dc I went to England and she said she wanted a divorce. Papers were there and she came back to Utah and didn’t take the papers, didn’t hear from her for a few weeks and my dad got cancer so that took my mind off her. Thankfully he is fine but she was messaging me asking to come to England as she missed me. So she came and then I ended up moving back to the states with her.

For codependency I’ve been reading quite abit, going to the gym everyday to work on myself  and going to the weekly support groups, thought I was doing well until this latest situation. Thought I’d noticed improvement in my self esteem, and I diddnt seem to care as much if she had any moods, I kind of felt slightly invincible which I think my wife liked as I was confident again. Last couple of weeks my def esteem had gone down because of trips to England and I’m jet lagged tired and not been working out so seems she’s got me at my most vulnerable.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2019, 09:25:09 PM »

Update: she hasn’t moved out yet but sold some of the things last night like the tv and stuff. I’ve been home alday and she got home from work and hasn’t really said much, just small talk. So I don’t know what to do as it’s very hard to be here when she’s like this and not knowing what’s going to happen next.

I am still tempted to fly to England sometime this week but I guess part of me is just sticking around here hoping she will want to get an apartment together as a couple. So fortunate for this forum it’s helping me a lot with all the readings especially through these tough times.

I keep telling myself how many times am I going to put myself through this pain, I’m pretty sure this is like the 5th time this has happened now if not more. We break up and then she will come back to me a week/2/ month or two she will be contacting me again.
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loyalwife
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« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2019, 12:42:09 AM »

It seems that you know the right answers, but your heart is standing in the way. She also, knows you well and that you 'take her back', regardless in the end. As difficult as it is, just staying and hoping that she will change her mind at this point is counterproductive. Your idea of staying at a hotel, would give you the distance while you get the strength to make the next step. This might mean, No Contact. It's time to take action, and until she knows that you mean business, and that means 'no you', she will continue to play her game. That's exactly what this is to the BPD. They push until we leave, and then beg to come back; most of the time. Until you make it clear that you will not put up with this kind of behavior (do not reward bad behavior), she will continue to do this indefinitely. The risk is that she may decide to turn her back and move on, but in many ways it's a blessing.  If she makes an about face when you put up the boundary fence, then you have a chance.

I'm not saying to book a flight tonight. But if you give yourself the time and grace to prepare to leave (without being in her presence and at her disposal for emotional abuse), you'll start to feel better.  A few years ago, my husband with BPD went on a cross country episode, filing divorce papers etc. and I got to a point through N.C. that living without all the chaos was rather nice. He came in one day and said "Okay, how much do I have to pay you to get out?"  I told him "nothing". I was leaving and had the boxes ready to move out. I thanked him for all the time we had together, but that this was it. He broke down, and although he hasn't recovered from BPD, he knows I mean business and am not afraid of being without him. He still pulls the I love you go away, routine. But today, I do, just stay away.  Eventually he comes back.

Take care of you, and for goodness sake, eat. You need that to continue on and make good decisions. Hang in and come back to this spot with BPD. We are a family.

Sending kind thoughts your way.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2019, 07:52:43 AM »

I agree with loyalwife. You need to take care of yourself. You're not going to be able to make wise decisions if you're tired, hungry, stressed, etc.

You and your wife have established a pattern. She pushes you away when it suits her, then calls you back and you come running (or welcome her to run). It's an unhealthy pattern and so far, you've rewarded her behavior so she has no reason to change. We've probably all done that to some extent in our relationships. I know I did. My H used to pull the "I want a divorce" card -- never going so far as to call lawyers or draw up papers or actually move out (or make me move). I would get scared and upset, practically begging. One time, I'd had enough and had decided, "Well, it's better than living like this." So I called his bluff. Got my suitcases out. Was stone-cold serious. Said I'd get with a lawyer and be in touch. I wasn't faking. I really meant it. His entire demeanor changed. He practically melted right in front of me. He didn't pull that card again.

If you stand your ground, you're sending her a message. Stay strong. Go along with the plan. Maybe even go No Contact for a while. It may hurt you for a while, but in the long term, you're trying to set boundaries and stop some very bad habits.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #8 on: March 26, 2019, 11:41:47 AM »

Thank you very much for your responses, fantastic responses.

The issue I have in the back of my mind is that I feel as though I was strong after last summer in dc. She did a similar thing and on our last night there she said that the divorce was final so she prepared the papers and never signed them/took or mentioned them the last few days before we left. On our last night there she was telling me she was going out with friends so I was strong then and told her ok I will go out too, she didn’t end up going out and was messaging me all night asking where I was...
The following day we left and I went no contact for a few weeks then she finally dragged me back in. I just don’t understand that if she really wants other guys etc then why does she keep coming back to me, is she using me because I pay all the bills, but now she has a new job so doesn’t need me to pay the bills.

I really don’t know I am still confused. This time she hasn’t mentioned divorce, just woke up one day saying she’s moving out alone. During our argument that evening she said many hurtful things, I’m too more of a pushover, she prefers times with other guys, she feels trapped with me even though I’ve literally given her freedom to whatever she wants holidays with friends and whatever she wants to do as I’m pretty chilled like that. Of course all of this stuff hurts and make me question myself and what I’ve done wrong.

As for moving out I know it’s what I need to do it’s just very hard. After dc I left and no contact and she was contacting me again. How do I prevent this happening again? I tried so hard the last six months to work on myself to be prepared to love myself more and prepared for this to not happen again by being strong and having boundaries, it just seems she knows exactly what will hurt me now and has gone next level by saying she’s been having affairs (if true or not she knows this is the one thing that will destroy me so it’s like her wild card).

Loyalwife you said ‘if she puts on an about face when I put up a boundary then I have a chance’ what do you mean by that?
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2019, 06:18:51 PM »

Update, I am still living in the apartment with her...

Our bags are still packed and she has been out most evenings and me too, trying to keep busy.

Last night she got home at 11:30pm and I had a lot of thought a going through my head of where is she etc. I have been trying to go with my gut and my gut was saying not to leave yet or get a hotel and just to give space to breath after Sunday’s argument. Not sure if that was the best thing to do but time will tell I guess.

We have been sleeping in the same bed but not talking really, mainly because I got home late one night and she was sleeping and vice versa last night but in the middle of the night I felt her lay on me and her feet on mine so I’m taking that as maybe a good sign... this morning she woke up and I was sleeping well kind of and she asked me what my plans are and if I’m moving out. I said I am still considering my options and haven’t made a decision yet... not sure if that was the right decision or not but kind of me is waiting to see if she’s going to move out and what her plans really are, instead of the rational conversation we had on Sunday.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2019, 01:00:02 AM »

UPDATE:

I went to the gym this evening and my wife had locked me out, I usually leave the door open as we just have one key.. She said sorry it was an accident and was going to be back in 20 mins. An hour later she finally came back and she said sorry for being late. I said it’s ok but it was a bit annoying.

I don’t think she took that the right way as suddenly she started having a rage saying she’s moving out, she’s signed a lease for a new apartment tomorrow and never wants to see me again.

She said she wants a husband she can trust and that she’s been asking me to show her my finances from England for years. I showed her screenshots but she says she wanted statements and this was literally 2 years ago and she brings it up now. It’s like she is trying to pass the guilt onto me and it’s working I feel awful. Am I going insane now as I am starting to feel guilty and this marriage problems is all my fault as I know borderlines have problems trusting and I did show her screenshots I just didn’t want her having access to everything as she managed to rack up $26k in credit card debts in a year so was trying to save my savings (which were actually for s future house for us both anyway)

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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2019, 06:31:01 AM »

I am really struggling and can’t sleep or eat. My wife is sleeping next to me and it feels like this is finally it now, even though she’s recycled many times, she seems to have really got it into her mind that’s it’s over and even told her brother she’s moving out alone. She hasn’t mentioned divorce yet but says she’s signed a lease on a place for herself sharing with other people.

I know borderlines are masters at manipulation but I am really starting to blame myself for what she said last night about my finances and not showing my bank account in England (even though there’s not much in there). Part of me is like she just wants to get more money out of me and part of me is like she genuinely is hurt as I know borderlines find it hard to trust. Her last words last night weee ‘I just want. Ahusband I can trust’ which kills me to hear that as I’ve tried everything for this marriage to work, I buy everything cook clean, pay all the bills and this is the way I’ve been treated. Can somebody please help and give good words of encouragement, I am writing on here as it’s like therapy to get it off my chest but it feels like I will be finally going back to England now and she’s managed to manipulate me by making me feel bad even though she’s been cheating and emotionally abusing me for many years now.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2019, 07:39:36 AM »

I'm sorry Sufferingsoul34. I know this is very hard to deal with. You're right. People with BPD can be real masters of manipulation. It's also very common for them to take things they feel guilty about or that make them feel bad and turn them around so they're someone else's (your) fault.

I experienced that with my husband. I can't tell you how many times I heard "This is all your fault!" or "If you would just do x, I'd feel better." or "You're not helping me! Why aren't you helping?" For a long while, I believed him and felt terrible. Then, one day, it was like a little switch flipped and I saw reality.

The thing is, none of what he said or what your partner says was true. Yes, in a relationship everyone plays a part. You have played a role in creating the present situation. That's true in anything. But it is by NO means your fault. You have acted in good faith. You have done everything you can (and don't let her convince you otherwise). Painful as it is, there is probably nothing you could have done. She may be pointing to the financial thing now, but even if you had given her exactly what she wanted, she would have found something else.

Oh, and that was a good move, not giving her too much information or access. Given her spending habits, that could have been a disaster.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Take care of yourself. Even pamper yourself a bit. Keep posting here. We get it. We're listening. And we have your back.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2019, 09:18:07 AM »

Thank you for those kinds words. They made me feel slightly better although I could barely sleep last night as she was next to me and I was just thinking this could be the last time we ever sleep next to each other, even though this just could be another cycle it feels more real now for some reason, probably my mind playing games.

I’m just still in shock from last Friday discussing moving into an new place today then all these rash decicions. She is always saying she needs more space and a bigger apartment so is now moving to a room in a shared house without our dog... even yesterday morning she was asking me my plans and I felt her hugging me at night so I don’t know if she’s just confused from stopping taking medicine, or friends influences or what but I’m just still so confused and upset.

 She’s moving today apparently, so I guess I should fly home to the uk today or probably tomorrow once I’ve sorted things. Do you recommend I go no contact? Just don’t answer her for a while? I know nobody can say the exact right things to do and I know we are still married so if we do get divorced then we will need contact at some point I guess but I feel for my own sanity at the moment I won’t be able to be in contact with her and should just block her number as I don’t know what messages she will be sending me good/bad.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2019, 10:07:17 AM »

You're right. You're the only one who can know the best thing to do. You are the expert on you and on your relationship.

If you feel like having contact with her would upset you or be bad for your mental health, then that may be the thing to do. Many members here have experience with that so you might want to look around on the boards (the Detaching, Conflicted and Learning boards, in particular, have a lot of threads regarding this).

Have you read this article on going NC?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

It's got some really good info in it. Give it a read and let us know what you think.
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