How do we know when we’re ready to open up to another?

[JNChell]

I’m having trouble taking my own advice today. I was in a discussion with another member about being ready to date. I gave advice. I think it was sound, but I’m really wanting to connect with a woman. Like the member I talked to, I don’t know if I’m ready. Like the member I talked to, the pull is pretty strong.

I bought groceries yesterday. I’ve seen this particular woman there every time I shop. She cares about her work. She’s likely a manager. She’s petite and pretty. Close to my age, maybe older. I’ve done been scared off by younger women. No offense ladies, but experience makes one wise.

I didn’t really speak to her, although I was lucky enough to have her ring me up for my purchases. I gave off signals. I don’t really know how to describe that, but it was conscious. While I was bagging my groceries, I listened. She told the elderly gentleman that she lived alone. I felt like she said it loud enough to be heard, but I don’t know. This is the best place to spill this stuff.

[byfaith]

Hey JNChell,

A little over a year ago I was in Lowes, and I was in the plumbing section, and this nice looking woman was on the moveable metal steps they use to get to the top shelves. I looked up and as she was coming down we just kind of looked at each other and we both smiled at each other in a very warm way. I was always too reserved to something like this but I thought why not...so I decided I was just going to ask her if she would be interested in going out with me. It took me a little while to get the nerve, while I was still in the store, to go back and ask her.  I finally went back and asked her, and she was very flattered but she declined.
It sounds more like you are afraid of opening up to someone, just try sticking your toe in the water, and see how you feel. That's what I had to do

BF

[byfaith]

Sorry I didn't address your question. If you are feeling that pull or desire that is a good sign you are ready. I myself had to feel safe with the person I am with now, to really open up. I had to see that she didn't have extremes in her personality, in other words, I needed to see some stability before I started opening up to her.

BF

[JNChell]

Thank you, byfaith. I’m thinking heavily on asking her out. It’s been a long time. I don’t know how to approach it. I’m 42 and going gray.

I’m attracted to this woman. How would you proceed?

[once removed]

experience makes one wise.

not when we generalize it 

if you were bitten by two or three dogs (not to compare human beings or any individual to a dog), while it might be understandable on some level to fear dogs, it would not be helpful to conclude that all or even most dogs bite.

theres a sound case to be made for dating around our own age; practical reasons. i dont think being scared of younger women, however, will serve you.

[JNChell]

or, you’re always around the corner. I appreciate that and I mean it. I’m not being sarcastic.

I’m 42 and hoping that I can find a woman to touch me.

I want to be with someone before I die.

I’m not trying to generalize anything. My body is asking for love. Im trying to provide it.

[once removed]

42, in the lifetime of romance, is relatively young. there will likely be many more women if you so choose.

regarding the woman at the grocery store, before asking her out, i might try flirting some more, and reading the signals. increase the level of flirtation a little more each time if shes receptive/does it back.

[JNChell]

For sure. I’ll give those a try. You’re a good dude.

[JNChell]

Maybe she’s been on this cycle for a long time. She’s comfortable with where she’s at?  I simply want to ask out.

[JNChell]

Man, the tools and everything seem like so much. I know that they’re necessary: it just seems like so much GD work to simply be with a woman. I don’t want to be with a woman like I have in the past. I’m not sure if I can achieve it now. Maybe it feels overwhelming because There’s a different set of work to be done.

[once removed]

Man, the tools and everything seem like so much. I know that they’re necessary: it just seems like so much GD work to simply be with a woman. I don’t want to be with a woman like I have in the past.

how do you mean? can you elaborate?

[JNChell]

It should be easy and not so much work. It doesn’t seem like it should take tools to be able to be close with someone.

I understand the why and the how, but I’m pissed about it. I just want to move on and find healthy love. I’m tired of feeling stuck.
Time goes by faster after each passing year. I have a young Son. I want my remaining years to count.

[byfaith]

Thank you, byfaith. I’m thinking heavily on asking her out. It’s been a long time. I don’t know how to approach it. I’m 42 and going gray.
I’m attracted to this woman. How would you proceed?

Just do it bro!  Figure out how you want to ask her and then just go do it. I was 54 when I asked that woman at Lowes.


BF
 

[JNChell]

I think I should. Even if I’m rejected, I’ll know. What’s the sense in sitting here and stewing over it. I’ll approach her with confidence and ask her out. She can only say no. I really hope she accepts  but no is the worst that can happen.

[Longterm]

If you think your ready JNChell then go for it 

[JNChell]

I’m not sure if I am. That’s why I’m confiding in you all. I’m completely unsure of my feelings. My feelings have gotten me in trouble before.

[Longterm]

You could always be a bit covert you know. There's a woman in my local market, she's absolutely lovely   I fancy her like crazy. Every time I see her we are always chatting away and last year I very nearly asked her out on a date (not that I know how to date ). My friend pointed out that I don't even know if she's single so one day we are chatting and I asked her without asking her. I said "oh you finish at 7? I bet you'll be happy to go relax with your bf" She said "no, he's at the pub". I'm glad I did that  saved me a lot of embarrassment. I still talk to her but haven't seen her for a while. I have had a gf last year and the girl in the market asked my friend last week if I still had a gf? These girls tease . I don't know if she's single now...

[Longterm]

I think that a date is just that right? A date. No commitment just enjoying someone else's company. No need to put your feelings/emotions on the chopping board

[JNChell]

She doesn’t have a ring. Do I simply man up and take the plunge? I’ve got to put myself out there sometime or another. Yeah?

[JNChell]

If she says no, I’ll have to find someplace else to buy my food. 

[Longterm]

Yes. It's difficult I get that but if you think your ready then you have to put yourself out there. I wouldn't just jump In with "want a date" talk to her, get to know her a bit better, you might not even like her.

[JNChell]

Good point. Maybe I can just ask her to point me in general directions and try to strike up some convo. Argh. I’ve been out of this for a while. But I damn sure want back in. Thanks for the advice.

[Dotner]

JNChell,

As a forty something single woman here, I thought I'd weigh in. I am completely happy for you that you are interested in dating again, and I say go for it!

My experience goes like this:
I'm not used to being approached about a date in person, or really at all...and I'd be pleasantly surprised if I was. Since online dating has blown up, I've only been asked out in brief, text/emails, and I don't find that men approach me in person unless it is late and I am out and they are drinking. Also, the few times I've met someone I'm interested in spending more time with, then I find myself doing the asking after flirting quite a while and nothing happens. Nothing wrong with that, but I feel like I'm the one doing all the work sometimes. I think I'm a pretty typical sample of fortyish woman out there (though I'd be interested in knowing if others feel as I do in this way about being approached)...I'd be thrilled, flattered, and impressed if a nice guy asked me out at the store!   

It's good to hear the man's perspective on this. I hope it helps to hear this perspective too! Good luck and report back!

[JNChell]

I bet that it gets old being asked out by boys that have been drinking. No matter their age. Thank you for telling me that.

[JNChell]

Dotner, is it even appropriate for a man to approach a woman like this these days?

[Dotner]

I think it is...I can't speak for all women, but like I said, I'd be thinking, "oh, a nice, traditional guy, who isn't afraid to say hello and put himself out there." (Even though we are all afraid, and it's ok that we are.) If you aren't sure though, like the others have said, flirting to gauge interest would probably help you figure it out.

[JNChell]

Thank you.

[JNChell]

I think that I’m going to take the plunge.

[Turkish]

I'm slouching towards 50 and going grizzled. I have a lunch "date" with a coworker Friday. If it goes well (and no reason to think it won't other than if she drops "me and my boyfriend do..." which happened to me before) I'm going to ask her to go hiking with me this weekend.  If I don't show up for a while here,  you'll know I got reported to HR and lost my job, especially since we nailed it down through work email,  documented 

Nothing ventured,  nothing gained. 

She's younger, but from a different country.  I may be stupid a little,  but I'll allow myself that a little.  Or vulnerability.

[JNChell]

Man, men and women are here for a reason.