"Partner" alone in foreign country and threatening suicide

[mountaintosea]

 
I have been trying to ease out of a relationship with a woman who has continually refused Therapy for BPD.  She has made numerous suicidal gestures over the past months when she felt too much distance from me or suspected me of cheating or even talking with a woman in a business setting.  She is currently overseas, traveling alone and threatening suicide on a specific date several weeks away.  I am the target of her intense and nearly continuous rage.  She is accusing me of all sorts of offenses I haven't committed and seems to dissociate at times calling me by names of past partners or family members who abused her in childhood.  She is threatening to kill herself, leaving it on video and naming everyone who has hurt her including lurid depictions of how they have hurt her and giving full contact info for all.  This list includes most of her friends, family members and all of her past relationships. 
 
I have spoken with two psychologists who advise me to go no contact immediately but I can't bring myself to do it as she will unfailingly say that I'm abandoning her when she is spiraling to a bad place.

I went overseas twice to try to support her and get her back to the US and was met with intense anger that I came and ruined her plans and numerous instances of physical violence, getting hit, pushed down stairs while trying to keep her from hitting herself, and cutting herself (shallow but bloody) while slashing the knife at me as well - I was unable to get her to go to a crisis center or to return to the US as she feels she is completely rational and justified in her anger.   I had to return to the US after a couple of weeks each time, at which times she became even more enraged as I was abandoning her.  Her behavior is completely normal and charming when others are around...  She refuses to speak with a therapist by phone or in person.

I am trying to get a friend or family member who is not the primary focus of her rage to go over to try to support her and bring her home, but have so far been unsuccessful.   I have no idea where to turn now.

I apologize for the rambling post...Any insight or support will be most appreciated!  Thank you-

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We're sorry to hear of the tough situation you're in.  You said that you didn't want to go NC because she'd accuse you of abandoning her.  Given that you've been in a relationship with her, it's natural for you to care about what she thinks.  But there's no way you can back away from her and have her agree that it's the right thing to do.  A rational discussion is not possible.

What have you communicated to her about your intent with this relationship?

RC

[No-One]

. . . I am the target of her intense and nearly continuous rage.  She is accusing me of all sorts of offenses I haven't committed and seems to dissociate at times calling me by names of past partners or family members who abused her in childhood.  She is threatening to kill herself, leaving it on video and naming everyone who has hurt her including lurid depictions of how they have hurt her and giving full contact info for all.  This list includes most of her friends, family members and all of her past relationships. 
 
I have spoken with two psychologists who advise me to go no contact immediately.

. . . numerous instances of physical violence, getting hit, pushed down stairs while trying to keep her from hitting herself, and cutting herself (shallow but bloody) while slashing the knife at me as well - I was unable to get her to go to a crisis center or to return to the US as she feels she is completely rational and justified in her anger. 

Mountaintosea:

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this difficult situation. 

You can't fix someone who doesn't want help and can't admit they have a mental health problem.  With her history of violence with you, and her "grudge list", you need to be very cautious and have a safety plan.  (Check out the link at the bottom of the page on "Suicide & Domestic Violence Help")

People who have a history of violence and hold grudges are the ones who tend to kill someone on their grudge list, along with a suicide attempt.  (murder/suicide).

You can't be held responsible, if she does commit suicide, while she is abroad. You have traveled abroad twice to try to help her, to no avail.  A person can only do so much.  For most people, it would be cost prohibited to keep traveling to where she is to rescue her.

Is there something significant about her "suicide date", which is supposed to be a few weeks down the road?  Could she be trying to manipulate you emotionally? 

[mountaintosea]

Thanks so much for your replies and I'm sorry to be so long in replying... I'm really overwhelmed with this and the volume of hate messages coming from her...

I have been trying to walk a bit of a tightrope - not telling her outright that I want nothing further to do with her, as I am currently the only one she seems to be communicating with.   At this point I have agreed to keep in contact with her so as to know where she is - and not enflame her further - as her friends and family are trying to sort out who is the best person to go over and try to bring her back.  (It will NOT be me!)  As soon as someone gets to her I will go NC.

I do care deeply about her and so want to see her get back safely and find a therapeutic situation that will enable her to live a fulfilling happy life.  But not with me...

And thank you for the wise words on a safety plan.  I do have concerns once she returns to the US, especially if she doesn't immediately go into therapy. 

The date is significant as it is the date that her responsibility for her current housesitting gig ends... It also happens to be the birthday of her best friend from her teen years - who committed suicide about 5 years ago.

She is sending me the countdown "till she dies" several times a day (14 days today) and telling me how happy she will be and suggesting that I will be happy as well to have her out of my life. 

I'm sure some of it is emotional manipulation.  But, I do also feel that she does have at least some intent to follow through as she is also saying how it will relieve so much pain.  She continues to refuse to speak with a counselor or even close friends and she seems to be getting more angry at even her closest friends.  She was still posting on facebook occasionally but that has stopped as well so I'm afraid she is spiraling downward.  She says also that she has cancelled her flight home...

She is still talking about the video expose' that will take down everyone who has ever hurt her and "completely blow up their lives".  She is now talking about how she will be posting it on facebook as well as sending it to friends, family,  and employers of those she feels have wronged her.  Her target list seems to include (focus on?) me (obviously), My ex-wife, people I dated in the past, past relationship partners of hers, her family members and friends.  This seems to really energize her it seems she is investing a lot of time in it...

She is also obsessed with what I do and who I talk with and demanding to know what I plan to do each day and who I plan to talk with.    She is convinced that I am continually in contact with past relationship partners and trying to cultivate new relationships.   The reality is that I'm simply craving getting my life back, being alone for a while to heal and come back to center - and not at all looking for another relationship!

Thank you again for your wise words and support!

[Radcliff]

That's good that you have clarity on the relationship and what your objectives are (separate safely).  The specific date is concerning, especially since it coincides with her friend's suicide.  Have you considered calling a suicide hotline to get advice?  Your efforts to get her family and friends involved seem like a good idea.

When she returns, is she likely to be living close to where you live or work, less than an hour's drive?  I'm concerned about your risk when she returns.  The MOSAIC assessment tool will give you a risk score.  Just answering the questions is educational.  I'd encourage you to hit that link and let us know your score.

RC

[mountaintosea]

Thanks for pointing me to the MOSAIC assessment.  My situation shows the following:
Rating of this Situation: 8 on a scale of 1 to 10
Quality of this Assessment: 161 out of a possible 200

This has been very helpful in validating my perception of risk in this situation.  I'm working on my safety plan...

She has shifted significantly over the past 24 hours from volatile and angry to presenting as calm and quietly, peacefully determined to kill herself in 11 days and has told a few friends that as well. 

She has also suggested that the only thing that may keep her from killing herself is if I were to come over to her...  It's so hard but I know that I can't be the one to go... 

[Radcliff]

Thanks for sharing your MOSAIC results with us.  8 is a high score.  I'm glad you're watching out for your safety.

As you may know, a sudden improvement in mood with a resolve to complete a suicide can be a high risk indicator.  Has she discussed a method?

What does your support system look like?  Do you see a therapist?  Have you sought advice from a suicide hotline (they talk to friends and family all the time)?  This has undoubtedly been a very difficult relationship for you so good support is already important, and if she were to die by suicide you'll need a lot of support.

RC

[No-One]

I'm working on my safety plan...She has shifted significantly over the past 24 hours from volatile and angry to presenting as calm and quietly, peacefully determined to kill herself in 11 days and has told a few friends that as well.  

She has also suggested that the only thing that may keep her from killing herself is if I were to come over to her...  It's so hard but I know that I can't be the one to go...  

Mountaintosea:
Good to hear that you are working on a safety plan.  Also, good to hear that you realize you can't be the one to go abroad and meet her demands to rescue her.

Suicide threats can be a form of emotional abuse.  You might find the excerpts below from an article at the below referenced hotline website interesting.

When Your Partner Threatens Suicide
“I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”

It seems like a no-win situation. When someone you’re close to says something like this, it can feel like the world just stopped spinning.

People who have a mental illness, such as Borderline Personality Disorder, typically have a higher risk for suicide. Depression, a history of substance abuse, and other disorders carry risks as well. If your partner truly wishes to die and has a plan and intention to follow through, get immediate help. Call your local emergency number, or call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

But what if your partner regularly threatens suicide, particularly whenever you’re not doing something he or she wants you to do, or when you’re trying to leave the relationship? First, understand that this is a form of emotional abuse: your partner is trying to manipulate you by playing on your feelings of love and fear for them. You might get angry when this happens, but you also might feel like you have to give in to them in order to avoid a potential tragedy. When your partner makes these threats repeatedly, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and possibly help your partner as well.

Tell your partner you care about them, but stick to your boundaries. Giving in to threats over and over does not make a relationship healthy, and it only creates anger and resentment on your end. You could say something like, “You know I care about you very much, and I understand you’re upset right now, but I will not _____.”

Put the choice to live or die where it belongs – on your partner. You can’t be responsible for another person’s actions, no matter what – and this includes when your partner chooses to be abusive. An optional response is: “I think our relationship should be based on love and respect, not threats. I really care about you, but this is your choice and I can’t stop you from making it.”

Remember that no matter what your partner says, you don’t have to prove anything. Even though they might be saying something like, “If you really loved me, you’d stop me from killing myself,” the real truth is that there are unhealthy patterns in your relationship. Until those unhealthy patterns are addressed, they will most likely continue no matter how many times you give in to your partner’s demands.

If your partner often says they’re going to kill themselves when things aren’t going their way, they’re not showing you love – they’re likely trying to control your actions. If this is the case, consider the tips above and try to get help where you can. You might try talking to a counselor or other professional therapist if that’s an option for you. But remember, you are not your partner’s counselor, and you can’t force your partner to get help if they don’t want to. They have to make that choice for themselves.

Please keep in mind that these tips may not be right for everyone; you know your own situation best.