Why am I so haunted by this person?

[VMJ7675]

I’ve posted here a couple of times so I won’t put all the details in this post, but I am one of a smaller number of people whose “break up” was with an extremely close friend instead of a romantic relationship.  But as seems to happen with a lot of borderline relationships, I became extremely codependent, putting everything I had into caring for this person, supporting her, loving her, etc.  And unfortunately often putting her ahead of my actual family which makes me really mad at myself in retrospect.  We built an extremely close friendship over a period of about four years, but on Jan 1 of this year she blocked all contact with me and gave me absolutely no explanation.  I went away on a short trip over New Years and she stopped responding to me while I was gone and when I got back I realized she had blocked my phone number/email/etc.  She lives less than a mile away and I have never heard from her again.  I just feel so hurt, so betrayed and I’m still in disbelief even though it’s now been nearly three months.  I guess I keep thinking some sort of apology is still going to show up in the mailbox and it never does.  My daughter and I actually bumped into her in the store the other day – I did not see her but my daughter turned around and there she was.  They made eye contact and my BPD friend made this smiley “great to see you” face like it was the most normal thing in the world.  My daughter just turned back around and I chose not to look and by the time I turned she was gone.  We were both pretty shaken up because it was shocking to know this person who we were so close to (but that now has completely cut us off) was there in the store with us. And why did she act normal with my daughter?  Does she think a preteen is too stupid to understand what’s going on?  To give you a little more history... the way I got to know her was that she was initially our nanny.  So she cared for this daughter (middle school age now) as well as my other two... one younger and one older.  And she left them with no explanation either. And the younger two are definitely confused and that adds to my anger and sadness.  And then there’s the fact that of course she has taken on another nanny job and is apparently traveling to Europe with these people this week for Spring Break and then traveling somewhere with them for most of the summer. This is exactly what she did with us last year. So it makes me realize it was probably all just manipulation.  And that makes me so incredibly sad because I took her on these adventures because I really enjoyed her being with us.  Not because she was “the nanny.”  Our kids were old enough that it wasn’t really critical to have a nanny along with us. I just really liked her company and wanted to include her as part of our family (but we did of course pay for everything.)   So now I’m on this beautiful spring break trip with my family and I am still having moments where I cry because I think about what happened with her.  And I don’t ever sleep well.  And I’m just so frustrated that she’s still haunting my thoughts all the time.  I don’t know what anyone can say – I guess I’m just hoping time will help, but if anyone has any guidance or ideas on a way to help free your mind it would be much appreciated.  Thanks in advance for listening.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi VMJ,

That sounds like a terribly hurtful situation that you experienced. I am sorry that you and your kids were treated that way. It is terribly confusing and upsetting when someone you cared for and extended kindness to just abruptly cuts off contact with no explanation. That is a difficult thing to go through.

I know it is rough to go forward with no answers or closure, but perhaps you can free your mind a little by not taking it personally. There are behaviors and thought patterns that others have that we do not, and probably cannot, understand. It may be that this person did feel like part of the family, and that scared her. PwBPD crave emotional connection, yet fear it at the same time. Maybe it was just too much to handle, and the disordered defense mechanism kicked in causing her to abandon before being abandoned. It is sad, but not uncommon.

I am sorry you are having trouble putting this friendship behind you. It does tend to mess with our heads when someone seems to reject us. I think that probably time will help. If you never get a personal apology or explanation (and you likely won't), perhaps learning more about the nature of BPD will help you gain some clarity and closure.

blessings and peace,

redeemed

[VMJ7675]

Hi Redeemed—  thank you so much for your response. It is helpful to hear. Indeed, I think that is exactly what happened.   She felt very very close to us (especially me) and it scared the crap out of her.   And as you suggested, I have done a ton of learning about BPD and that does help.   But the logical side of me reads about it and sees and understands and then the emotional side of me just can’t make the connection because it’s so different from how I would EVER be.  When I love and care for someone as deeply as I did in this case (and it seemed that she felt the same—  telling me she loved me, hugging me like a mother or sister, telling me at one point that I saved her life etc.) I could never ever just abandon that person without a word.  So there is just this horrible cognitive dissonance that I can’t wrap my head around.  And on New Years Eve (ONE day before she blocked me)  she sent me a text thanking me for supporting her and telling me she was looking forward to the next chapter of our friendship.   I sit and wonder was that just a lie to throw me off the path from her true intentions?    I have been very lucky in my life – I must admit — because I’ve felt a lot of true love and very few experiences of people Betraying me or not really being what they seem.   So I guess I’ve been overly trusting in this just hit me really really really hard.   I also just continue to miss my best friend and know that I will probably never see her again which hurts like hell.   But I guess she isn’t really the person I thought she was anyway.  BPD is just a sad disorder.   I knew nothing about it until this experience and it has been very eye-opening.  Thanks again for your support!

[Cromwell]

Does your best friend have a family she spent with or kids of her own?

I agree with I am Redeemed about rejecting before feeling abandoned.

Im sure your friend has feelings for you and your family but somehow has had to protect herself and she felt this was the best way. She smiled in the supermarket, I would not read too deeply into this, she could have just as much did anything else from a hateful look to ignoring you, in the context of what happened she chose to smile, im sure she must have felt a sense of awkwardness too.

It must be hard to be a nanny and I cant imagine someone doing such a job and not forming some level of emotional attachment and treating it as a "im here to do a job, get paid, finish - end of".

I think priority here is to let your kids know that above everything of how close you all got, your friend was fundamentally an employee and will be fondly remembered, but has chose to move on to the next job. Try to defuse the emotion and confusion that has fallen out from this to make it more understandable for them.

Birthdays, New Year, Christmas, my ex even recalled the actual day we first met which I had not thought anything of and told me "thats exactly a year weve been together". People get emotional about this stuff generally, in my experience my BPDx was very much fixated and emotionally triggered during those times. I do not see it as a coincidence this happened when it did and that emotions were a big part in her decision making. I dont see it as a betrayal but I can understand why someone would.

[I Am Redeemed]

I agree with Cromwell about the huge part emotions play in the decision making process of pwBPD. Also, the high impulsivity levels. Something could have happened that triggered her, either the abandonment fears or the toxic shame, or both, and suddenly she bolted rather than face you.

It is hard to resolve the emotional part of it, when, as you said, we don't understand how a person could do this. But, that's why it's a disorder. The behaviors are not what non- disordered people would do.

I think Cromwell gives some good suggestions about how to approach your kids. I would validate their feelings. And again, try not to take this personally or obsess too much over it. It is what it is, and I think possibly the core of your hurt and confusion is that you invested so much in this person, without a return.

Redeemed

[VMJ7675]

Thank you once again both Redeemed and Cromwell.  No – my friend did not have a spouse or children of her own.  In fact she always admitted that she had never been able to keep a relationship because she always ended up leaving people before they could leave her.    She is in her mid 30s and was actually living with us towards the end of our relationship – not because she was the nanny, but because she was unhappy in her current living situation with roommates and we had a room and a private bath for her so we just invited her to stay.   But just before the holidays/shortly before she cut me off we had helped her find a really cute little Bungalo that fit her personality and budget perfectly and is less than a mile from us. She seem to be looking forward to having her own space but like the idea of being so close to us that we could still hang out a lot.  She always said she desperately wanted a family of her own but didn’t seem to be able to accomplish that due to her mental health.  Her parents live a couple hours away and her mom  actually seem to suffer from very similar mental health symptoms so I suspect she may also have BPD.  She did not want to spend time with her parents very often because it tended to be emotionally draining. 

I think what so hard is that I definitely did not see her as an employee anymore and she knew that. I told her that repeatedly.   In fact the last couple of months before she cut me off she was not doing childcare for us anymore. She had accepted her current job and I was OK with it because she told me  that if she worked for a new family then we could really just focus on our friendship and not have any weirdness because there was any sort of employee/employer relationship anymore.  So I saw no sign that her taking a new job would mean her relationship with us was over.  Plus, she told me time and time again that she had never gotten this close to a friend and she cared for me and loved me and looked forward to being friends for the rest of our lives.   But from what I’m learning about BPD it seems people with this disorder say that kind of thing a lot so it hurts to think maybe none of it was true.

I guess I’m just somebody who cares very deeply and is very trusting and now that she is gone I feel like I was lied to because she actually said word for word that she was never going to leave me the way she’s left other people in her life and we would always be best friends.  My smart brain recognizes that those things aren’t always true  and people change etc. but I was completely blindsided by this. There was no major event that prompted me to think this was going to happen and it’s just extremely painful to have someone who you care about so deeply completely cut you off without a word.   Quite frankly it feels like a really close person died, but in a way even worse because I know she chose to leave and gave me no explanation.  I just cannot wrap my brain about it because I could never be that close to somebody and just walk away without feeling extreme emotional pain

[Sirnut]

Hi VMJ - glad you’re still posting. Your original post suggested you might not have a chance to restore your lost friendship, and you asked for thoughts about how to handle the emotional impact of that on yourself.

I don’t know if this might help, but I’ve been going through something similar and here’s how I think about it.

We all have an internal narrative, things we say to ourselves about what’s happening in our lives and what it means. We can’t fully control it, but what we can do is to make some deliberate efforts to steer it in a healthy direction.

What I’ve found helpful in these times has been to have just a few simple things that I can tell myself when things are hard. Things that are positive and yet realistic, also easy to remember.

When I was in deepest grief, one of the things I used to tell myself a lot was ...

*Time is on my side*.

What I meant by that was, even though I felt truly awful, I could see a time ahead when I would feel better, because I knew I was working on processing what happened and getting the support I needed.

Another one that my counsellor taught me was, on occasions when emotions were especially intense, to deliberately tell myself ... 

*It’s hard to feel this way*.

Internally, I’d say that to myself when under emotional stress. It’s just a simple way of acknowledging the intense feelings but also somehow getting outside them, observing them from the outside and so to some extent reducing their impact.

I had a few others as well. You might find your own - it’s a very individual thing.

It’s not a magic bullet, any of this, but these are some things I found helpful.

[once removed]

really good tips from Sirnut. i also told myself that no matter what, i would get through it, and brighter days were ahead, and at the same time i told myself i was going through something extremely difficult, that there were no shortcuts, and there would be ups and downs. i didnt pressure myself, but i also had hope that sustained me.

But just before the holidays/shortly before she cut me off we had helped her find a really cute little Bungalo that fit her personality and budget perfectly and is less than a mile from us. She seem to be looking forward to having her own space but like the idea of being so close to us that we could still hang out a lot.

how did she initially react to the idea of having her own place?

[VMJ7675]

Thank you Sirnut and Once Removed.   I so appreciate your feedback and am sorry I didn’t respond sooner.   I was actually on a trip across the country with my family And with three children and the time change, my chances to get online were spotty!

Sirnut—  some of your suggestions sound very similar to things my therapist has suggested.  For instance, we took my friend on all the big vacations we took the last few years,  so this trip across the country was the first one without her in a while.  My therapist suggested I think “this is different and hard to be without my friend but it will give me the chance to spend positive time with my family (ie,  acknowledge that it is hard but make note of the positives).  I’m trying very hard to acknowledge the hard feelings and look for the positives but it is just so painful.  I think a subconscious part of me thought that after my friend saw us in the supermarket she’d have some thoughts about the situation and end up connecting with me but of course I returned home and there are no letters in my inbox or my mailbox.  My therapist says that I need to accept that I probably won’t ever hear from her again but there is this part of me that is still holding out hope that something will come from her.  An apology or at least an explanation.  But it’s probably not ever going to come and I can’t get my emotional brain to accept that yet.

And Once Removed... to answer your question, my friend was odd (I’m terms of normal borderline traits) in that she claimed that she liked to be alone a fair amount.  In fact, a few months before she cut me off she said I was smothering her.  But I don’t buy it.  I think this was just more manipulation.  She was so scared of abandonment that she talked herself into wanting to be alone so it wouldn’t hurt so much if she was.  However, she was a mid-30s woman living with a family with three young children, so I do think she did want some space from that in order to make her own friends and possibly find a spouse.  So when this bungalow came up she ACTED like she was happy about it.  But I just don’t know if that was an act or not.  Her presence in our house had started to take a
Toll on everyone because of her depression and moods and I think she sensed that my husband (if nobody else) was ready for some space from her so maybe that made her feel rejected.  It’s just so hard to know.  Looking back on our relationship I just don’t know what is fact and what is fiction anymore.  Because I believed so much that I was the closest friend she’d ever had and she’d never leave me and she did... so I don’t know what to believe anymore.  Anyway, I’m just not sure why it seems so impossible for me to move on from this.  But I just can’t yet...

[Sirnut]

Hi VMJ

I’ll stick my neck out a bit here.

You’ve seen some of my story. As you know, when my special friendship unraveled it broke my heart, just like what happened with you. There was grief, anger and all the rest. I’ve described it before. There’s a loneliness to it, because no one else really understands what you’re going through and they can’t feel it for you, or feel it with you.

I think the issues with a broken friendship can be different in some important ways from the other issues that are usually discussed on these boards. In my case, it made me think about other loved ones who were affected by what happened and not just me.

The fact that I fell apart so comprehensively made me realise that my emotional commitment to my friend had been unhealthy, excessive and unfair to others who I loved. Especially to my wife. So I have apologised to her for giving too much of my emotional energy to someone else, energy that I should have been giving to her. Working through that has been part of my recovery process.

I don’t know if this is relevant, but I haven’t posted about this before and I thought it might help if I put it out there.

[VMJ7675]

Hi Sirnut—

 Yes – you definitely hit on a very relative point for me.   I do feel that this friendship consumed a lot more of me than it should have and so there is also guilt mixed in  to the feelings of grief .   As I mentioned, this person started as my nanny and was taking care of my children but by the end I was taking care of her more than I was taking care of my children.   I mean don’t get me wrong – my children were not neglected however she was consuming a ton of my time  and my emotions. It definitely became too codependent. I think there was sort of a perfect storm. My husband was working 80 to 100 hours a week and I felt lonely. Then there was this person to help me with the kids and then that person needed me a lot and provided a lot of companionship and I just got in deeper and deeper.  It felt good to be so needed and it was nice to have adult companionship when my husband was gone so much. But his job changed and suddenly he was home a lot more in the fall and that is probably when a lot of the trouble got even worse. My friend had been very depressed and consuming a lot of energy for the entire year and she was living with us that  year. But my husband wasn’t so bothered because he was never at home.   Then suddenly he was there more and he was – rightfully so – irritated that someone else was taking so much of my time and causing a lot of conflict and sadness in our house.   And honestly, I think my friend suddenly felt some jealousy with my husband being around more and she knew she couldn’t have as much of my attention and she felt rejected.

 Anyway – I have apologized vehemently to my husband and my family and the grief is so hard because it’s still there and it’s very real but it is combined with guilt because I know I didn’t give my family as much as I would have if my friend had not been around .   And I feel guilty for mourning her loss when I know it’s probably the best for my family.

 And it also makes the grief even more lonely. My husband has been very supportive and recognizes that I feel like I lost one of the closest friends I’ve ever had, but it’s hard because I know he  definitely thinks it’s the best for our family that she is currently out of my life.

 However, I thought that by her finally getting her own place and living a more independent life we could start to have a more ““normal” friendship. Going out for dinner and watching movies together etc. but without all the codependency.   And I am saddened that instead of that happening she just completely cut me off.

 But yes, in the moments of sadness I try to remember that this is  The best thing for my family. But the grief of losing someone I was so close to is still very real.

[once removed]

In fact, a few months before she cut me off she said I was smothering her.  But I don’t buy it.  I think this was just more manipulation. 

what led up to this? did she give any examples?

[VMJ7675]

 Hi Once Removed —  honestly, my perception of the smothering comment was that it was a form of gaslighting.   She only said it once and it was one of those moments when I was so confused and started questioning my own perceptions and sanity because she had been soo needy and and would get upset if I had plans with other people etc. but then suddenly it turned into “you are smothering me.”   She had just moved out about a week earlier and I hadn’t seen her in a few days and she was supposed to come over to watch a television show but then she canceled on me last minute and I could sense that her excuse for canceling was made up so I ended up going over to check on her ( I worried about her a lot when I felt she was in a depressed state so I wanted to make sure she was ok) and she was just in a really weird mood and that’s when she said I was smothering her.   And also I should note she had just come from therapy and she had a therapist that she adored but a couple of weeks before this incident she claimed that her therapist no longer had time for her based on their mutual schedules so she was going to start seeing somebody new which I thought was bizarre because she really liked the other person and I couldn’t imagine they wouldn’t find someway to maintain their relationship even if the schedules got a bit difficult.  So I kind of wondered if she had actually made a decision not to see that therapist anymore because the therapist knew too much and my friend got uncomfortable or if the therapist refused to see her anymore for some reason. I really don’t know but I just question everything at this point.   But she had just come from seeing the new therapist and it was probably her third or fourth appointment with that person and she seemed more agitated than ever after she started seeing the new therapist so I’m not sure what was going on but I definitely think that had something to do with it.  I don’t know if that person was challenging her more than the other or was  somehow agitating my friend or what.   But I felt like the smothering remark was a way for her to kind of push me away because of her fear of abandonment.   And truth be told when she was in belts of depression she would often state things like “just leave me alone” But the truth is I could feel that she usually really did want my support. It was kind of the typical “I hate you – don’t leave me” thing.

[Sirnut]

Hi VMJ

I didn’t mean to bring up a guilt reaction, just a focus on rebuilding the other relationships that will be more important to you in the long run.

It was a perfect storm. So was mine. Most people don’t navigate those very well, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

[VMJ7675]

Thanks Sirnut—  you make a very valid point and I have been trying to remind myself that this will give me the opportunity to work on all the really important family relationships and friendships in my life. I was definitely pulled away from all of those relationships for quite some time.

I just wish I could’ve continued to have some bit of a normal friendship with my friend the way I do with other friends and the truth is it wasn’t possible. I just keep spinning because no matter how much I read about it and everything I witnessed it is so hard to understand BPD. I could never just close the door and run away from the people I care about so deeply and no matter how much I tell myself that  it’s the disorder, there’s this dissonance that my heart just can’t comprehend.

[once removed]

She had just moved out about a week earlier and I hadn’t seen her in a few days and she was supposed to come over to watch a television show but then she canceled on me last minute and I could sense that her excuse for canceling was made up so I ended up going over to check on her ( I worried about her a lot when I felt she was in a depressed state so I wanted to make sure she was ok) and she was just in a really weird mood and that’s when she said I was smothering her.

is it possible theres a grain of truth here?

her reasoning for canceling may have been made up...a lot of us make excuses for canceling plans, if for no other reason than we just dont feel up to it, or dont feel like going out. if that were the case, she may have felt caught off guard and surprised.

[VMJ7675]

Hi Once Removed— No doubt there could be a grain of truth to it.  I admit there is no way I could know for sure what somebody else is thinking.  And as I’ve said several times, it was definitely a codependent relationship.  So I have no doubt I am somewhat to blame for the relationship ending in that I somehow couldn’t meet my friend’s needs in terms of what she wanted from our relationship (maybe at times my caring did feel smothering).  Otherwise we’d still be friends.  However, this is not the way most non-BPD people handle relationships.  Of course relationships come to an end all the time (whether they are romantic relationships or friendships).  But when people have been very close and/or connected for a long time, the typical person does not just abruptly cut off all contact without any explanation.  There is usually some conversation or at the very least a letter.  Especially when the day before they cut off contact, they send a text saying they “can’t wait for the next chapter of our friendship in 2019.”  This is not typical behavior and that’s what I’m struggling with as well as just deeply missing this person who I cared for very deeply.  Whether she did things “wrong” or I did things “wrong” or whatever, is really a moot point now.  I just need to figure out how to work through my grief so I can move on.  I continue to be consumed by sadness more often than I’d like and I just want to figure out how to work through it.

[Sirnut]

But when people have been very close and/or connected for a long time, the typical person does not just abruptly cut off all contact without any explanation.

You’re right, this kind of behavior is not normal. Even though many of us here may have experienced something like it, in the wider world it’s not normal. In fact it is deeply inconsiderate and disrespectful, and it’s not your fault that your friend has done this.

The fact that this is not normal is part of what makes it shocking when it happens. For me, it led me to reassess how I thought about the other person - if she was capable of behaving like that, then maybe she wasn’t quite the person I’d thought she was.

Over time, I found that being realistic about that helped me to stop idealising her, and it made it a bit easier to let go.

[VMJ7675]

Sirnut— Thank you for that confirmation and that really good piece of advice. I have been trying to tell myself that very thing – that if she is capable of doing something so hurtful to somebody she apparently loves, than she really isn’t who I thought she was and probably not someone I would want to have as a best friend.   But I think with a BPD relationship it’s just a struggle to connect the dots because as much as I keep telling myself that it’s a disorder and that she’s not the kind of person I would want as a best friend, I still just cannot believe it. Because she was so wonderful when she was in a good place (probably in an idealizing state) that I cannot comprehend that she would be capable of hurting me so badly.  My emotional brain just can’t comprehend it.  And so I guess those are the dots I’m gonna have to work on connecting as I heal.

[once removed]

So I have no doubt I am somewhat to blame for the relationship ending

not about blame. i found that in my own experience, putting the puzzle pieces together (a lot of them in this case), and over time, making some sense of "what happened" brought me a sense of closure. some of those things will become clearer as the more of the pain subsides.

VMJ7675, what has happened to you is that youve been "ghosted". its a term you have probably heard before. for whatever we think of it (personally i agree that its inconsiderate, disrespectful, and incredibly hurtful), it is increasingly on the rise. if you google it, you can see the stats (a whopping 78% say it has happened to them in the dating world, and of course it happens among friends as well: https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-get-over-being-ghosted-ncna904776). you can also read many accounts of the people that it has hurt deeply.

one thing i think we can all agree on is that the methodology she chose (ghosting) is more about her and how she copes than about you. if you had pissed her off, or seriously upset her, more than likely she would have told you or it would be very obvious. youd still be hurt, no doubt, but youd have some explanation.

its not so obvious here. it caught you off guard, and that is one reason you are looking for answers. i think there are clues here and there, though they are scattered. and more than likely, there is no single reason. more than likely, it was a combination of incidents and circumstances, and what was boiling up under the surface, things that werent so obvious, but again, may become a bit clearer over time as the pain subsides.

as much as I keep telling myself that it’s a disorder and that she’s not the kind of person I would want as a best friend, I still just cannot believe it

you cant believe it because you wouldnt be experiencing these feelings of loss and rejection if it were that simple. people that hurt us, even deeply, are typically people we have also loved, for a variety of reasons. the hardest part of grieving is to mourn the loss of those things. you took this person in, and you loved her (like a best friend and family member), and she loved you too, and in the end she cut off communication with no explanation.

i recall once not too long after my breakup, i was riding to get fast food telling myself how much better off i was without my ex, and for a moment, feeling pretty good about it. about five minutes later, i heard a small voice in my head say "she hurt me so bad", and i burst into tears and cried like id never cried. and thats maybe when the healing started. when i really acknowledged how painful things really were, and saw my own vulnerability, and let myself cry. it took a lot of that.

youll get through this. we are here to help 

[VMJ7675]

Once removed – thanks so much for this.   Yes – the ghosting is really awful. I feel like it would have been also very hard, but a bit easier if I had received some kind of letter with some kind of explanation. And yes – I think you’re right solving the puzzle probably helps, but is difficult to do when you’re deep in grief. I do think, however, that I have already put together a lot of pieces of the puzzle. I think she was scared of how close she felt to us but also felt she was somewhat in the way of our family (which had become a bit true unfortunately because she was taking up so much of my time) And she had that BPD reaction of needing to abandon us before we could abandon her.   Which is just so sad because although I needed to give more time to my family, I never planned to abandon her. I really thought we would be friends forever.

 And I guess maybe because of the ghosting versus actually hearing something from her, I find myself still  waking up every day and subconsciously thinking today will be the day that I receive a letter in the mail or an email or something.   And my therapist and other friends etc. tell me that’s probably never going to happen and they are probably right but I can’t get my emotional brain to stop waiting for that yet.

 And I do think maybe I need to cry more. I cried a lot at the beginning but lately I feel like enough time has passed that I should be feeling better than I do and I don’t want my family and friends to see me crying, so I’ll start to tear up and then always force myself to pull it together.  It’s so hard because as I’ve mentioned before, it’s definitely better for my family that she is out of the picture right now and so there’s a lot of guilt over grieving this person when I know it’s probably for the best for the rest of my family. At least for the time being.  So I’m torn because I still feel so sad but I feel guilty showing any sadness in front of my family.   It’s this constant internal struggle.

 Anyway thank you for your kind words and support!

[Sirnut]

I don’t want my family and friends to see me crying ...

Very similar with me. I needed to do a lot of crying too. Occasionally still do. My wife, family and close friends were really good, but after a while I felt that I didn’t want to burden them too much with it anymore. It didn’t seem fair to them.

In the end, there’s nothing much you can do with grief except to grieve it. More than anything in that situation you just need some moral support and a listening ear. I found it helpful to have a counsellor who could go through it with me, and so to some extent that helped to take the burden off my family.

I hope you might find something like that too in the help you’re getting.

[VMJ7675]

Hi Sirnut—  yes – that’s exactly how I feel. At the beginning I felt it was OK to do some crying but by this point I feel guilty. Especially because I know that for my family it’s probably better that she’s not around right now.  So you just feel so alone in your grief. If, for instance, a family member died we would all be grieving together but instead I am the only one.

I do find my therapist to be a good ear and a place where it’s OK to cry but that short hour once a week flies by and to be honest I often find myself more sad for the rest of the day following the appointment and that is hard. I guess it’s just because our meetings stir up so much emotion. For instance, just yesterday I had an appointment and quite honestly I was a mess the rest of the day.  Yuck!  

 I just hope it really will eventually get better. Right now it feels like it never well and I feel like I will never be the same person. And in fact I know I won’t be the same person and hope that I’ll actually end up being a better, stronger person because of this, but right now it just feels like I am a sadder person with a really gloomy outlook on life.

Thanks for listening.

[Sirnut]

A week later, just wondering how you’re going ...

[VMJ7675]

Hi Sirnut—  Sorry I didn’t ever realize that you had replied to this again..  been trying to keep myself really busy and haven’t come on the site quite as much lately...  guess I’ve honestly just been trying to make myself think of other things.

I guess I’m a little better.  Definitely not as sad.  But now I just feel a lot more anger.  Still think of her all the time.  Partially bc she lives so close to me and I’m always worried about running into her.  But I’m just mad.  I want to put a banner across her front door that says “evil.”  Because that’s what I think it is.  Evil to do something so hurtful to somebody who showed
you nothing but love and compassion and support,  (Too much in fact). 

But I know I can’t do that and I know deep down that it’s not her fault although I hate it that in this weird sort of way it’s like we say that BPD people shouldn’t be held accountable because they can’t help it . 

I guess I’m just continuing to take one day at a time and I’m waiting for the day when I can somehow just let it go And not feel  so much pain anymore.  Wish there was some magic formula to make that happen, but it seems it’s just time.

But I just don’t know how these people with BPD can live with themselves. When I think of all she took from me and my family... How can she just go on and block us and live with that.  It’s bizarre.  I would feel guilty for the rest of my life if I treated somebody like that.

Thanks for replying.

[Upandown]

From a paper I have on betrayal:

Essentially, betrayal means that one party in a relationship acts in a way that favors his or her own interests at the expense of the other party’s interests. In one sense, this behavior implies that the betrayer regards his or her needs as more important than the needs of the partner or the relationship. In a deeper sense, however, betrayal sends an ominous signal about how little the betrayer cares about, or values his or her relationship with, the betrayed partner. In particular, and as Gaylin (1984) noted, when those on whom we depend for love and support betray our trust, the feeling is like a stab at the heart that leaves us feeling unsafe, diminished, and alone. Psychologically, then, betrayal may be conceived as a profound form of interpersonal rejection with potentially serious consequences for the healthy functioning of the betrayed individual.

[Skip]

Betrayal, Rejection, Revenge, and Forgiveness: An Interpersonal Script Approach
https://bit.ly/2X4ueo4

[Upandown]

Skip.  Yes, that's the paper.  A very good discussion in my opinion.

[VMJ7675]

Up and Down and Skip— Somehow I didn’t realize that there were more replies to this post but I wanted to thank you for what you wrote.  Yes — betrayal is an awful feeling,  particularly when it comes from someone who you care about very much.   Thank you for the link to the article on betrayal – I only started to skim it but will sit down and read it more thoroughly later as it looks like it could be very helpful. I really appreciate the information!

[Harri]

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