Brokenhearted199
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 2
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« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2019, 12:34:46 AM » |
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Hello Redeemed,
I am very sorry that it's taken so long to finally respond. Quite honestly I've just been trying to keep busy and deal with my own anxiety surrounding how potentially awful the situation with this ex-friend of mine could get. It has, however, been 19 days since our parting and the threats by his loved ones (enablers) to make slanderous accusations have not come to fruition and I have cut all lines of communication from said ex-friend and all those that might tie me to him. I did this to defend myself essentially and am hoping I am not just letting myself be lulled into a false sense of security before my life ends up in tatters. .
With my anxiety subsiding more each day, however, I am slowly starting to feel the loss of this friend, whom we can address as "A" here for shorthand. I think perhaps it is just the natural mourning process setting in. Plus I'm aware, through circumstances I will not address to keep his anonymity perfectly anonymous, that there's been a devastating event in his family with a loved one (an event that actually is ironic because it involves a loved one being guilty of something I was falsely accused of) and I find myself worrying for "A" and his mother. I really grew to care for "A" like family. I don't know if I've ever been closer to anybody in my life...And even though I know it is not in my best interest to try and reach out after his discard, I'm finding myself wanting to. I'm honestly heartbroken without him.
To give some details, "A" and I met up after being set up on a blind date by a mutual contact. We struck up a quick friendship and he took to me right away. There was an age gap (one I was not aware of right away), and that coupled with his instant friend zoning of me (actually hooking up with a guy my age immediately after we parted ways when I got him ice cream) meant we were not going to be a couple. But he was so sad and troubled and I really felt I understood him. He was like a wounded little sparrow I wanted to take under my wing. And very quickly that was exactly what I did. I began being the one he'd turn to constantly to confide in with his mental illness and inner turmoil. When he needed money, I began providing just that. He moved in with one of the troubled loved ones I mentioned previously, and I bought him a large, queen air mattress (as it was all I could afford at the time being unemployed at that time). Soon he began to spend more time at my house with my family when weekends would come. And then that slowly started to evolve into him being present for the majority of the week. We bought him clothing and kept him fed and warm. And we supplied a stable, loving environment.
Sadly, this wasn't enough as he continued to go back with this loved one who was quite toxic in their own right. And his mental illness reached a breaking point and my family and I ended up rushing him to hospital when he went from what I had familiarized myself with as suicidal ideation to a place where he needed professional help and intervention. I went from his caregiver and best friend in that moment to advocate. The days that followed were stressful. But to make a long story short, I managed to get him hospitalized short term and advocated to get him into an inpatient treatment program. And he promised to stay safe in the month wait it took for a bed to open up. And it was to my home and the warm embrace of this family he came back to until entering his treatment. We parted ways there and I cried thinking I'd finally gotten him help. He'd finally be on the road to recovery and that made it all worthwhile; the stress, the heartache, the mood swings where he hated me one moment and was loving the next, and the overall strain on my own mental health was all worth it because I'd helped this person who meant so much and needed it so desperately...
The program was a minimum of 4 months with the possibility of extension. He up and quit about 2 months in, if that. He was bored with and frustrated with his curtailed freedom and the penalty for not following the structure of therapy. He had also taken up with another guy he'd met through Grindr and was spending the majority of his time with this new boyfriend during the week and coming home to us on weekends. When he quit the program it was back home to me and my family he came. And this time around things began to get tense around the house. Not meaning to diss "A" but he began to become a contributing factor to fighting amongst myself and my family. And his need for constant supervision and care began to take it's expected toll on me. But I did not take care of myself. Instead I resorted to old coping mechanisms I'd abandoned sometime earlier; junk food and overindulgence in alcohol when I'd get the rare free night while he'd go to visit his mother or somebody else. Although this was all starting to take it's toll, he wasn't ever really made aware of it. The love for him and still caring for his fragile state led us to keeping him ignorant. I loved him. We all cared for him very much! He needed us and that was what counted! And we could not abandon a boy in need like this who'd become part of the family, right?
Eventually I went back to work to help ease the financial sting supporting this new addition to our lives and it was decided that "A" and I would move out and get an apartment together where I could care for him and we also had the freedom and privacy lacking in the home of my parents. This was to be the game plan...But then a number of factors collided that changed the course of things. "A" returned to his toxic loved one and ended up stuck there briefly when my brother decided "A" was toxic and no longer wanted him around. "A", however, had also chosen to stay longer than necessary upon all this being sorted out. In truth, he seemed content there in a strange way. And from my perspective, in his month long absent, the progress he'd made in this environment unravelled and before I knew it I was back at a mental hospital trying to get him admitted for longer than short term. I made a vow to make it happen if he took it seriously and made an honest go of it. And I succeeded! He was admitted for a longer term and from there returned to the program he left. This time was to be no boyfriends, no distractions, just treatment. And to help this happen by not being a distraction, I stepped back. Admittedly I also did this because I was suffering from caregiver burnout after almost 2 years of taking care of this guy from the moment our initial blind date started onward. I needed to make me okay and then hope for starting fresh with he and I more healthy.
I didn't see him but was in touch via text and messaging and phone calls. I'd started a new job as well that was and still keeps me busy. And each pay day I'd send him about $200 - $250 on top of pitching in at home and paying my own debts. And when he'd ask for more I'd always send it if I had it.
He ended up kicked out of the program this second time. And while I thought he was off getting better, he was actually spending more time with the aforementioned toxic loved one and developing a habit for marijuana (among other things for all I know). This was after he'd been told in his case marijuana could trigger other mental issues, mind you! He moved from the program into this toxic loved ones apartment again. He needed furniture. I purchased it. And the bed he was using, as far as I know, was a brand new one with a mattress, box spring, and stand that my own mother had bought him. He continued to ask for money and I continued to send it each pay day. We would make plans to see each other and either I didn't feel up to going out or he would just not contact me. I missed him and began making plans, however, to make my schedule at work in such a way where I'd have three days a week with him. This became the plan even more so after he became incredibly unstable and insisted he needed round the clock care or to be hospitalized. He became fixated on being hospitalized actually...But this time around he was rejected probably at least a dozen times or more and sent on his way. I do not judge him or know what the doctors thought, but his track record was working against him and his insistence on being around those he'd been told were not good for his mental health and squandering the chances for treatment I had to advocate in part for was working against him, I believe. I did my best to organize a rotating schedule with "A", his mother, and the toxic loved one. His mother agreed, " A" seemed comforted, and the toxic loved one refused to engage me or his mother even after I asked we put our hard feelings and opinions of one another aside for his sake. And soon that idea of rotating care giving seemed to fly out the window and it very much felt like I was in some way expected to step into that role full-time again. That was something this time, however, I could not do; for myself I couldn't, and for him I couldn't if he wasn't even trying to help himself. And honestly I no longer felt he was.
The last few times we spoke were him calling high on something and being loud, saying he loved me, and asking for money. His birthday came and I was not invited to the party. I wouldn't have attended to be fair as I hate the toxic loved one who'd be front and center, but being invited would've been nice. He justified not inviting me as we were to hang out the day following said party...I never heard from him.
I felt like I was failing as a friend, blaming myself for being so busy and failing him. And I still do to an extent feel these things. But then he got in touch again asking when we would be hanging out next along with asking for money to get him through. I promised a little extra when I next got income. And honestly...I began feeling used for the first time.
What followed was most definitely my fault in part and I own that. I was drunk. And I did bring up how I was feeling used and started to get nasty about my disdain for the toxic loved one whom I felt he held up on an undeserved pedestal over me and no matter what I did I could not compete or ever mean as much for all I do. In full honesty, the rest is hazy. The sobering conclusion of him blatantly blocking me is not. Neither is the barrage of messages that followed from those within the inner circle of the toxic loved one who began to very much tear me down in hurtful ways. I admit I'm flawed, I have problems, and I'm not perfect. But the venomous vitriol that came my way and the slanderous spin put on me and everything I'd been to "A" and am as a person followed. And I read each thing, heartbroken, acknowledging only that I do hate the toxic loved one, that I do have a drinking problem, and that one particular accusation was a defamatory claim, twisting truth to fit a false narrative where I'm a sad old drunk who is the worst thing that could have happened to "A" and will die alone deservedly. The most hurtful of all though...Was knowing "A" was with this person and allowing them to strip me down as worthless, with details being used only "A" could offer to make it really hurt. To know he was behind it after all that I'd done and sacrificed...That damn near kills me inside to think about!
His mother, the following day, attempted to intervene on my behalf. She begged me to let her handle this, but he began ignoring her attempts to talk to him. I suspect the toxic one was who she got in touch with next as the toxic loved one soon messaged me demanding to know why she was being dragged into this and telling me if I cared for "A" and his wellbeing I would disappear from his life forever, adding I had made his condition worse than ever. I sent my love to his mother and asked she let "A" know I'll always love him too and regret nothing I've done for him and am sorry for any pain I caused him. I then cut off all lines of communication from his mother, his friends, and all acquainted with the oh toxic one who I believe in my heart partially puppeteered this in at least a partial way, honestly. They are self-diagnosed BPD themselves, but I honestly think they're more NPD than anything.
Anyway, that is the whole story essentially; a synopsis at the least! .
I'm not perfect and hope I don't come off as thinking I am. I know I'm flawed. I know I've not been the perfect person or friend. But I always did my best by him and, in all honesty, can acknowledge I did more for him than most would have given the circumstances. And I do take to heart the idea I didn't do anything for him or that I was all around the bad influence it's being claimed I was. Because I did love him and did everything I could for him. I never wanted a prize for it. I did it for him; out of love. And as toxic as my drinking can be admittedly, it was always something I rarely let spill onto him. In fact I went out of my way to not be drunk in his presence. I'm a binge drinker officially, by the way. So that means I go periods easily without it but when off the wagon it's just drunk. And yes, before anyone suggests it, I'm in the process of getting help for that again in light of all this.
I also hope I do not come off as judgemental of him. I don't think he's evil. I don't hate him. I still love him. In truth, once more, at times I even thought I had fallen for him throughout our tumultuous ride together the past 2 years. I never acted on it, mind you. And the one time he made a pass at me I shot it down because I felt he was in a bad headspace and not thinking straight. I also felt it inappropriate where I was being looked at in his eyes as caregiver. It gave it a power imbalance I could not take advantage of. I cared for "A" deeply in any case. I understood him. I understand him! I am hurt, but can't write him off with a stigmatized stereotype to ease my own hurt. And I hope I don't sound that way through this rambling explanation that was ten times longer than intended! .
As to what I want and hope? I don't know...I hope he has a good life. I hope that he finds the help he needs. I hope that he doesn't remember me as the villainous character his loved ones made me out to be. And I hope to avoid any distortion campaigns. I'd very much hope if this is a final parting, it can be without acrimony and anymore pain...And deep down, I hope he'll come back, I think. Not now, maybe. I'm too hurt and I honestly do not know "A" now. He's too much the toxic loved one's now from what I can see. I can't be in his life or take him back into mine so long as the influence of that person is there or the lack of effort on self care is lacking in the drastic way it has been as of late. But I hope someday he comes back when in a better headspace and with a genuine apology four his role in this. If he could do that, he'd be welcomed back into my life. He'll always be in my heart regardless...
I'm just wondering where to go from here and what to do. So far my coping has been burying myself in work and being anxious and paranoid on and off that I have a target on my back. The break in between those modes is being depressed and going to sleep and missing "A" before I make myself not even think of it. That's worked okay...Till tonight. And here I am as a result. .
I look forward to any insights, opinions, or advice...
Brokenhearted
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