I read about something called "flow", and it seems like that's the thing you're describing
I agree. In this state I can forget to eat. At work I am always surprised when it is meal time -I am so immersed I forget about it... This is strange, since I always know how much time we have left in the day. In my work I live and die by minutes. If we get off schedule either the creative or the budget suffer.
...I'm reaching a different conclusion: There is a logic, but we don't have all the steps visible to us. I'm finding there is a logic, its just hidden under the surface, rushing past very fast and hitting us "out of nowhere" because we missed a critical piece of information.
I will continue thinking about your point of view on this. Presuming my ex does suffer from BPD then I can find a causality for her actions when I look at it through the lens of what I have learned about the personality disorder --but I see no logic. There was a pattern, but it defied logic.
Even if I can explain her actions I do not believe it implies a logical frame work. Her wanton destruction seemed to be rooted in a lack of
impulse control and in being so I could never guess what or when the next destructive behavior might be. Was it to be a drunken dinner with a know #metoo producer? A ghosting, a night spent with a 'new friend'. I was simply too naive separate words from actions -I projected kindness and stability on to her and gave far too much benefit of the doubt.
All of her friends and family were constantly telling her she seemed happier than ever during our relationship and were relieved she had found a good man to love her. Her grandparents just wanted her to be safe once they passed and they thought I fit the bill.
In hindsight, things in our relationship were likely far worse than I knew. She would spend all waking hours on her phone and was likely still emotionally involved with several other men. We had access to each other's phones for practical reasons (not a trust issue) -but I was perhaps the perfect partner for her... I don't read Chinese. Even during the day to day she was sapping the foundation of our relationship. She seemed compelled to self destructive behavior -terrible coping mechanisms.
no pain is ever enough to overcome the overwhelming feelings of attraction
Ok... Yes I completely understand the notion of attraction. She is perhaps the single most charismatic person with whom I have ever spoken -her laugh is childlike and musical.
When I broke no contact a few months ago for some closure this became immediately obvious once again. Even with it being a tough conversation there was still a joyful and immediate connection. There was also little ability to introspect, no ability for problem solving, little ability to accept accountability, and a complete unwillingness to be truthful. She is simply lovely --and at this point in her life not equipped to have a healthy relationship.
Fortunately --During our relationship I had retained a couple firm boundaries:
Firstly, I told her she may
never hang up the phone on me. If she needs to scream 'f#ck you' that is fine... Not great, but fine... If she was shouting rather than hanging up it gave me a chance to reply -hanging up is unfair and very destructive, as there is no conversation -no reply. She actually stopped hanging up on me -she told me it was hard, because she always had in past relationships. I said -well they were likely going to yell back at you right? I said 'I won't, further I will never call you a bad name or say anything I believe you will find hurtful.'
I believe anger and even raging are expressions of fear -so I listened, let the vitriol wash away and attempted to figure out what had her scared. -besides when someone is in
diffuse physiological arousal there is no point in arguing or fighting back -they simply cannot hear you. In any fight I attempt to bring down the level of arousal and get back to a place of reasonable discussion. I learned from reading on BPD Family I was apparently avoiding JADE and using SET. This was something I learned at work... High strung artists apparently make one ready for BPD rage...
A friend of mine was working with a famous director who in a rage threw one of my friend's monitors on the ground. My friend handed him another one... It took all the wind out of the director's rage -because he got no reaction. Once my friend stood up to him the director never acted out toward him again -- I love this storySecondly,
breaking up is not a tool for negotiation. I explained it meant end of days for us. I told her we both have the power of Veto --I explained to her the idea of
Mutually Assured Destruction (from the nuclear standoff in the cold war). I told her we cannot have a loving and healthy relationship if we both have sweaty quivering fingers dancing over 'the button'.
Well... in a 7 day rage she blew threw this boundary like a raging bull in a china shop. As I had told her 'Our next break up will be very short, very painful and permanent'... It was. Likely, that boundary saved me from a very very difficult life.
I didn't know anything about BPD during our relationship -I just knew I could not thrive in a relationship with was perpetually on such thin ice.
Wicker Man
