Forced ‘no contact’ by my mother.

[sweetheart]

Hi all, 
It’s been ages, but I have been lurking since Christmas, writing and rewriting this post in my head over and over.

I am aware of the irony in my subject tag, in that I could break the stalemate, but therein lies my dilemma; I don’t know how to and I’m not entirely sure I have enough emotional reserves to do this again.

I last had contact with my mother at the beginning of December, all was as usual between us. There was ongoing  tension and upset between my mother and her sister, and my sister, who were not speaking to each other which had been ongoing all year, and was very typical of their relationship and my mother’s relationships in general within her family.



I think I posted on here last Christmas 2017 there was some similar conflicts and tensions, and in my role as family scapegoat, I and my family are never invited to Christmas gatherings. My sister and mother share our family home and similar personality traits. I fell out with mother because she lied to me and I was upset by the toxicity of it all. I made contact with her after Christmas because it felt like the adult thing to do, and my son was missing his grandma.

Christmas this year I tried on various occasions to arrange dropping off  presents, spending some together, invited her to our house. She declined everything, and said we couldn’t come round as it would be inconvenient as there would be lots of visitors. It was the usual Christmas dysfunction. I expected contact to restart in the New Year as usual.

I received a text at the end of a January saying ‘Why the h**l don’t you ever contact me? And thanks for the damage and destruction you left behind in London, it’s all been sorted out now.’

I left it a day to respond as I felt so triggered by the text, as I knew she was wanting to cast me as the villain in the family conflict, so I didn’t pick up the argument, it would be a lose-lose for me, I would be the persecutor. I text a reply asked her not to send me messages like that. I then JADE’ed spectacularly saying I had tried making arrangements over Christmas, don’t take your issues with me out on grandson. Phone me if you want to speak and sort things out.
There has been no contact with me since, she sent a gift card via my sisters Amazon account for s11 birthday yesterday but did not respond to his thank you text. She always has the option of texting him as he has his own phone, and has often done so.

My questions arise primarily about not knowing how to deal with this in relation to my son. He adores his grandma, she has been given her limitations as my mother all the things a grandparent should be and he loves her for it. Now he has nothing, I have explained that we have had a falling out, and he is aware that my mother is tricky emotionally, but he is understandably confused.
I’m not confused, I’m cross and upset, and tired from it all. I know these patterns well, but I find them exhausting. If it were just me I would remain no-contact, it does seem like the only way to remain healthy and disentangled from the dysfunction.

That said I want to do what’s best for my son who has no other extended family contact. I’m aware that no-contact also feels from me quite passive aggressive. It is Mother’s Day here in the U.K. I have never really bought into the whole Mother’s Day thing, but it has brought this conflict to the forefront of my thoughts.

How might I go about reaching across this impasse with my mother, whilst holding on to my emotional integrity and not becoming triangulated in anyway?

[Harri]

Hi sweetheart!

The text your mom sent in January would have made me angry.  

I then JADE’ed spectacularly saying I had tried making arrangements over Christmas, don’t take your issues with me out on grandson. Phone me if you want to speak and sort things out.
There has been no contact with me since, she sent a gift card via my sisters Amazon account for s11 birthday yesterday but did not respond to his thank you text. She always has the option of texting him as he has his own phone, and has often done so.

The only possible JADEing I see here is when you said you tried to making arrangements, but even then it was a factual statement, even though it may have been driven by emotion.  The rest of it I see as being good boundaries.  She should not be involving your son in adult conflict and taking things out on him.  You also let her know that she can contact you if she has something to talk about.  Maybe you are being harsh on yourself here?   

I don't have kids so I am hesitant to give advice on how to help him.  I do think what you have shared with him already is good.  He will be confused though.  It is confusing for us adults!    I think answering any questions he may have as they come up is the best way to deal with his confusion and sadness.  Focus on helping him cope with his emotions.  *and that is the end of parenting advice from a non parent!

That said I want to do what’s best for my son who has no other extended family contact. I’m aware that no-contact also feels from me quite passive aggressive. It is Mother’s Day here in the U.K. I have never really bought into the whole Mother’s Day thing, but it has brought this conflict to the forefront of my thoughts.

In general, I think it is important to monitor the sort of contact your son has with g-ma.  If she continues to play games that include him then I think changing the extent of contact is important.  You get to determine what is best, not your son or your mom.

How might I go about reaching across this impasse with my mother, whilst holding on to my emotional integrity and not becoming triangulated in anyway?

I am not sure to be honest.  Given what you know of your mother and how she reacts and behaves what do you think is possible?

[Turkish]

If she has the ability to text your son she can.  Has she in the past few months? Has he tried? She's triangulating him,  and he's been made scapegoat by proxy.  Poor guy. He didn't ask for amt of this (neither did you of course!).

[sweetheart]

Thankyou Harri.
I feel too angry and upset by it all. It has been escalating to this outcome for a while now, but I’m a bit blindsided that I wasn’t better prepared.

In the past it has always been me that has made contact after an episode.. I am not ready to make any contact with her for now.. I have to many emotions up at the surface and I feel quite raw and vulnerable.

My mother never takes any responsibility for her actions or owns the chaos she leaves in her wake.

Her tag line is ‘I am always right.’

Do you know Turkish that very same awful thought only just occurred to me last week. My son has indeed been cast in the same role as me. It is his treatment by my FOO that causes the most amount of pain.
And no she hasn’t contacted him at all since Christmas Day when she text him.
 My son is a talented ballet dancer and he was invited to audition at the finals of the Royal Ballet School here in the U.K. in February. She knew this, it is a really massive deal in the ballet world and she didn’t contact him. I felt so gutted for him.

I feel so angry I could scream that I didn’t see that my son would inevitably be cast in the same role as me. How could he not be?

Do you know the rhyme,
There was a little curl, and she had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good, and when she was bad, she was horrid.

This encapsulates all that my mother is.

My thoughts are always, if I didn’t have my son I would not ever be in contact with my FOO. When my father was alive he managed somehow to moderate and diffuse all the dysfunction. He was very straight forward (quite like me) and would just call everyone out including my mother on their cra**y behaviours.

My son has autism and bizarrely this helps lessen the blow emotionally that the absence of his grandma in his life causes. He is very in the moment and matter of fact just so long as I give him sort of BIFF answers to his questions around any issues that arise for him,  he manages very well.

Yuck!

[Harri]

Hi sweetheart!  Just checking in with you.  How are you doing?  Its been a couple of days since you posted.  Have you found any peace with this situation?

I am not ready to make any contact with her for now..

That is okay.  If you are not ready or don't want to then don't.     Taking time for you to settle your feelings and think things through is good.

My thoughts are always, if I didn’t have my son I would not ever be in contact with my FOO. When my father was alive he managed somehow to moderate and diffuse all the dysfunction. He was very straight forward (quite like me) and would just call everyone out including my mother on their cra**y behaviours.

What are the benefits you see for your son having contact with your FOO?  I am not challenging your decision to have contact as that is your choice, I just want to get a better idea of what he is getting out of it and how contact aligns with your own needs and values.  Sometimes knowing that can help identify strategies for interacting with pwBPD.

My son has autism and bizarrely this helps lessen the blow emotionally that the absence of his grandma in his life causes. He is very in the moment and matter of fact just so long as I give him sort of BIFF answers to his questions around any issues that arise for him,  he manages very well.

Good for him and good for you for dealing with it the way you are. 

One of my aunts, the one who lived down the road with my grandmother, was always causing problems with my mom (or maybe it was the other way around?  Not sure) and between my mom and g-ma.  This hurt my mother deeply.  Looking back I can see she was angry, felt abandoned and less than as my g-ma would often side with my aunt (she had to live with her and did not drive... plus my mom had a lot of issues as well).  So anyway, there long periods of time where no one spoke to anyone else.  Us being left out of things was a frequent occurrence.  I can remember birthdays where my aunt decided to go out on a date and took my g-ma with her instead of coming to the house to have dinner and cake (I was pretty young.  B-day celebrations ended when I was 11).  I am not sure how I felt about it... I want to say I was okay, but probably not.  The problem though was how my mom handled it.  Rather than just explaining things in kid terms and going on happily with the dinner and cake, it became a tirade of how we are less than, we are losers, they don't care, they don't like us, interspersed with cloying hugs and kisses saying I was okay and telling me how much she loved me even though I was being rejected by my own aunt and g-ma.  Blah blah blah.  It was all about her. 

It was awkward, gross and humiliating.  (where is the barfy emoji?)  One time she called up family friends, with me sitting right there and explained that my g-ma and aunt stood us up to go out and invited them over for dinner and cake.  It was awful.   She kept going on and on even when they came (which was nice of them but still... )

Grrrr...

So anyway, sorry I turned all that into being about me.  I think you are handling things well even though it hurts you terribly (rightly so) and you are helping your son deal with it in healthy ways without projecting your pain on him.   

[Notwendy]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

One thought I had about this is that, perhaps the break off at your son's age is a good time for this boundary. It may feel hurtful to him now, but as he gets older, she may bring him into the family drama and that won't be good for him.

My BPD mother was able to hold it together as a good grandma to my kids when they were little. I didn't leave her alone with them- someone was always there too but she didn't treat them the way she treated her own children.

When they entered their teens, she began to enlist them as emotional caretakers for her. In my family, this was our role once we became old enough to actually help. She also tried to triangulate with them against me. Before, when they were little, they weren't really aware of these kinds of dynamics and so it didn't seem to be an issue. She has poor boundaries and would treat them as her confidant.

This is when I realized the need for more boundaries with her and them. Eventually they were able to have their own boundaries with her. Once they were nearly full size, they appeared to her as adults, or adult like, she began to relate to them like the other adults in the family- drama. They weren't adults- they were adolescents and IMHO too vulnerable for her drama. Also with me being her scapegoat, she tried to tell them bad ( untrue) things about me like she has done with other family members.

Your son is too young to understand, but there could be the need for more boundaries with her as he matures. If you do remake contact with her, I would keep this in mind. She may come around. I am not NC with my mom. She has done this at times but eventually comes around and makes contact. It's just part of who she is. Eventually you will be able to explain to your son about BPD as much as he can understand so he knows it is grandmas issues, not about him.

[sweetheart]

I am definitely using this NC period as the start of opening up a conversation with my son about his grandmas contrariness. He understands that adults can be unpredictable and inconsistent, he has an  insecure attachment with his dBPD father. It has been hard for him.

Whilst my mother has been consistent emotionally with my son until now, she has been complicit with my FOO in their exclusion of both me and my son. This has eaten away at me emotionally over the years because I always feel conflicted as I have chosen not to discuss it with her. I know there is no point, but I remain upset by it.

My emotions are returning to baseline around this ‘thing’ with my mother, I am not however wanting to be in contact with her at the moment. I feel ok about that decision.