Mother turned family against me

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

I am here because I am estranged from my family and am sure at least my mother is BPD. For some reason, I am the kid she has picked on to hate and she has spread it to some other family members. She has ghosted me! She said it's because she doesn't like my boyfriend/fiance, but that doesn't make much sense. Except that he stuck up for me once, which she considers disrespecting her. She has always been so mean to me while praising my sister who she thinks can do no wrong. My sister is for another day. She is also a piece of work. The two of them are close, although they really don't get along that well!  Then my sister calls me to cry and complain, but she will turn on me on a dime.

I am close to going NC with both of them. My mother will be back the next time she wants to blame me for something. She has done this before. And my sister is sometimes nice/sometimes naughty. She has done some horrible things to me including turning me into the police for stealing her necklace and I didn't do it! SHe found the damn necklace and if I hadn't walked into our room and seen her holding it, she may have gotten away with making me out to be a thief. I snapped a picture on my phone!

Even so my mother said Itook it and put it back when they pressed charges.

It's neverending nuts.

I am getting married next year and am thinking of not inviting my family. See, if I don't invite hateful Mother and Sister, then nobody else will go either so there is no point in sending invitations.

My fiance is a keeper. It's amazing I found such a great guy. I have been abused all my life and had picked a few horrible boyfriends before him, but this one is my always. I am moving in with him soon and am considering not telling anyone where we will live. I just don't trust my mother or sister. They seem fixated on me to hurt me. I don't know why. I am not beautiful or brilliant. My sister is actually much prettier. I am a good athlete and did finish college but so did my sister. My mother's favorite way to describe me is "worthless and disrespectful." She also calls me fat although I am not!  This is starting to cause an eating disorder. Oh, I'm such a mess.

Glad to be here!

[WakeMeUp123]

 

I am here because I am estranged from my family and am sure at least my mother is BPD. For some reason, I am the kid she has picked on to hate and she has spread it to some other family members. She has ghosted me! She said it's because she doesn't like my boyfriend/fiance, but that doesn't make much sense. Except that he stuck up for me once, which she considers disrespecting her. She has always been so mean to me while praising my sister who she thinks can do no wrong. My sister is for another day. She is also a piece of work. The two of them are close, although they really don't get along that well!  Then my sister calls me to cry and complain, but she will turn on me on a dime.

I am close to going NC with both of them. My mother will be back the next time she wants to blame me for something. She has done this before. And my sister is sometimes nice/sometimes naughty. She has done some horrible things to me including turning me into the police for stealing her necklace and I didn't do it! SHe found the damn necklace and if I hadn't walked into our room and seen her holding it, she may have gotten away with making me out to be a thief. I snapped a picture on my phone!

Even so my mother said Itook it and put it back when they pressed charges.

It's neverending nuts.

I am getting married next year and am thinking of not inviting my family. See, if I don't invite hateful Mother and Sister, then nobody else will go either so there is no point in sending invitations.

My fiance is a keeper. It's amazing I found such a great guy. I have been abused all my life and had picked a few horrible boyfriends before him, but this one is my always. I am moving in with him soon and am considering not telling anyone where we will live. I just don't trust my mother or sister. They seem fixated on me to hurt me. I don't know why. I am not beautiful or brilliant. My sister is actually much prettier. I am a good athlete and did finish college but so did my sister. My mother's favorite way to describe me is "worthless and disrespectful." She also calls me fat although I am not!  This is starting to cause an eating disorder. Oh, I'm such a mess.

Glad to be here!

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you decided to post and are reaching out for help.  We get it here and you are in good company.

You describe some very hurtful behaviors by your mom and sister and I am so sorry you had to experience these things.    

She has ghosted me! She said it's because she doesn't like my boyfriend/fiance, but that doesn't make much sense. Except that he stuck up for me once, which she considers disrespecting her

I agree that this does not make a whole lot of sense when I think of it from a perspective of having boundaries and a healthier way of relating to people.  When I think of it from the perspective of having a PD that affects emotional regulation and involves intense fear of abandonment, it does make sense to me.  She is disordered. 

How long has it been since you talked with her?  Has she ghosted you before?  Do you think it is the same as the silent treatment?  Regardless it is an attempt to control and punish you.  How are you responding to this?  Are you content with letting things stay as they are at least until she can regulate herself again? 

I hope to hear more from you. 

[Turkish]

Despite what your mother says about you,  it sounds like you turned out ok,  especially finding a keeper 

Your sister sounds as unhealthy and mean like your mom.  You're different,  and thus a target. 

Congratulations on your nuptials!  Many members here struggle with inviting BPD like relatives to their weddings.  It is sad that other family buys into their drama. 

A false police report is extreme and damaging.  It sounds like your sister might pull something similar to damage your new life, you are thinking?

Is there anything positive she says when she comes back?

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother has painted me black to her extended family. She has told them all kinds of lies about me, but she's had their ear for decades and it's influenced them to the point of breaking down our relationship.

I don't invite them to family celebrations. This is a family "crime". In my mothers' family, you have to invited all of them to everything. She's gotten angry about it and has tried to manipulate me into including them, but they hardly speak to me.

You could invited the whole crew to your wedding, and it might temporarily appease them, but it won't change the family dynamics or your position as the "scapegoat". I'm the family scapegoat. Read about this in family dynamics. A dysfunctional family needs the scapegoat. My mother needs to have someone else to blame- and her family who maintains she's just normal and great goes along with that. Your sister is the golden child, which may seem like a better position but in my family, the golden child is more enmeshed with her.

A wedding is the beginning of your new family with this great guy who loves you. IMHO- have this day be the way you want it- share it with the people who love you both and want the best for you. Your mother and sister may get angry if you don't invite them, but - inviting them won't change their behavior patterns. Have the wedding be the happy day you want it to be.

[WakeMeUp123]

Thank you, all. You are kind and encouraging. My mother has been awful to me, even openly telling me that she is sorry she hadnt aborted me. Who says that to a child?

I am glad I found you all. I may sound okay here, but I am sad a lot.

[Notwendy]

Oh that is awful.

They can say horrible things. My mother hasn't said that one ( abortion wasn't on people's radar in her day) but she's said some really mean things.

It is sad, and I get it. We have to find our own family- it doesn't have to be with people related to us. This doesn't entirely make up for the lack of a loving mother but it is our chance to have emotionally healthier people in our circle.

Start with that wonderful guy and plan a beautiful wedding- without inviting people who make you feel sad.

[Panda39]

Thank you, all. You are kind and encouraging. My mother has been awful to me, even openly telling me that she is sorry she hadnt aborted me. Who says that to a child?

I am glad I found you all. I may sound okay here, but I am sad a lot.

Hi WakeMeUp,

What a horrible thing to say!  As a mom I'm disgusted that she would say something like that to her daughter.  Sending some     your way.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling sad, but it's also natural since you have been bullied and picked on for a long time and now you are considering severing the relationships with your mom and sister.  It is hard, and sad.  It sounds to me like you are grieving the loss of the mother and sister you wish you had and are coming to accept that they are who they are.

You aren't alone with the...what to do with a BPD Family Member at the wedding problem many have hashed that out here, and everyone's solution is as individual as their situation. What are your fears if they come and what are your fears if they don't come?

I agree with Notwendy, I have a "family of choice", friends that I am close to, can rely on, who like me just the way I am, and who encourage me and lift me up.  I am much closer to this group than I am to my mom or my brother.  Maybe shift your focus to your "family of choice", focus on the people that appreciate and encourage you and nurture those relationships.

Take Care,
Panda39

[WakeMeUp123]

My mom hates my fiance and is very capable of causing all kinds of embarrassing scenes in front of his family. She is worst when she drinks! On top of that everyone in my family kisses up to her. Nobody tries to stop her when she starts up. They join in on her side. Or pretend she isnt insulting everyone.  Added to that, she may not even come. She is too unpredictable to try to predict. My sister eggs her on and is also obnoxious when drunk. My dad is quiet and I think he feels bad but he never confronts her. I think he is afraid.

All in all I think it is better not to invite her at all. His family is aware of my relationship with my family, although they have never met. I really like his family and dont want to ruin their son's wedding or mine! I hope this explains.

[GaGrl]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. I'm sure you are putting a lot of thought into how to work out the best level of contact with your family.

There have been many solutions to "iffy" wedding situations on this board -- inviting and hoping for the best, inviting and having a trusted family member stay close to the person with PD, to destination weddings with limited attendees, to having a plainclothes security person available to escort out anyone causing a scene.  Results have varied.

I will say, from the perspective of looking back on a marriage that didn't work (with a large, formal wedding) and our current marriage that is the best and most wonderful imaginable (with a wedding in our living room with only a few people attending) -- the wedding should be yours and your fiance's, done in the way you feel will launch your life together in the way you want. If the stress of worrying and wondering if family members will "act out" is going to affect the pleasure of anticipating your wedding and marriage, please please please plan it in a way that moves you and your fiance toward marriage in the best frame of mind and soul possible.

In other words, think Marriage more than Wedding.

[Turkish]

My buddy and his wife chose to have only immediate family at their wedding ceremony,  including a few elderly great aunts who weren't medically safe to travel to the reception in lake Tahoe (6000ft lake elevation,  but 7000-8000ft to drive there) a few months later.  He still got flack from family, non PD'd family.

Your wedding is your own.  And as Gagrl says, it's a good idea to think of it as your marriage,  long term.   Alcohol in the mix doesn't sound like a good time.  It might be painful on a few levels if they aren't there at this one significant event  but your marriage will be for decades.

If you can trust a family member to babysit your mother and your sister,  that is an option.