Improving my self Esteem

[ganeshasd]

Hi All

It is only last week that i went to see a therapist and learnt that my wife with whom i have spent 6years of marriage is suffering from BPD. I do not know how to react to it. Atleast I have understood the cause for her behavior and it is not entirely my fault that our life is not peaceful and healthy and I am not a reason for her not being happy with herself. It has come to a point where i felt I need to fix myself to make our relationship better when I decided to see the therapist. I had been always happy, cheerful and positive guy before i have met her and people hardly recognize that in me nowadays. Even thou i am boosting myself confidence in doing good and achieving professional success, I always feel coming back home to hell is not doing my health any good. I have not had a healthy sex life ( honestly 2 or 3 times a year) and this has negatively affected me thinking i am not good at all. I even got myself tested only to realize that it is only stress that is causing me not to have sex or have a bad sex life. This has affected my self esteem. But being in constant fear of doing something wrong and getting yelled at doesn't help my confidence at all. I feel good when i am alone but feel really nervous with her in the house.  I have lost all my friends since I started alienating myself since my wife wants all my time since she doesn't want any friends. So here i am speaking to this community.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi ganeshasd! Welcome to the family!

I'm so sorry for what brings you here but I'm very glad you found us. We're a supportive group and we have a lot of tools and experience to share that can help make your situation a bit easier.

I can empathize with how you feel. When my (undiagnosed) BPD husband was in one of his phases, I, too, hated coming home every day, not knowing what I'd find. And he also would get onto me for the slightest thing, whether I'd actually done it or not. He'd find a way to make everything my fault. You're right. It's not good for your health. It's a stressful, traumatic lifestyle that can really take a toll.

The good news is, there are ways to make things better. It takes time and work but it can be done.

I'm very sorry you're so isolated. That's not uncommon in situations like this but a support network is so very helpful. This site can be a support for you. But I hope with time you can find a way to reach out and connect with old friends or make new ones.

Do you mind if I ask a few questions? First of all, I couldn't quite tell from what you said. Has your wife been officially diagnosed (not that it matters -- having some the symptoms is enough for you to feel the effects -- and find help in some of what this site has to offer)? Is she now or has she ever been in therapy?

What is one part of your relationship that's a real source of stress and conflict? For instance, is there something in particular she tends to yell at you for?

[ganeshasd]

Thank you so much for the reply. I was in half mind before writing my post here and exposing myself.

To answer your questions,
1. Has your wife been officially diagnosed
Well i spoke to the therapist last week and i explained my story for a long time and she immediately diagonized it as BPD and asked me to read the book "Stop walking on egg shells" to learn more and find some tips. I read that book and realized that she matches 7 out of 9 traits of BPD and the stories i hear feels so relatable even thou there is a huge difference in culture, region and personality between the stories and my life. Now i see that this is a universal problem and hence my courage to follow the advise in the book to reach out to this community.

2.  Is she now or has she ever been in therapy?
Well, I did beg several times to see a therapy and she feels she is a better therapist than anyone out there and she can handle herself better. She feels me going to a therapist is also useless.

3. What is one part of your relationship that's a real source of stress and conflict?
It is very difficult for me to point out a single source or a pattern. I did make a lot of patterns to find a cure all by myself several years back but never succeeded.

[Ozzie101]

If she hasn't been seen by a therapist herself, then it's not really an official diagnosis. But, again, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme. It's just a label. The fact remains that she has symptoms of the disorder. Diagnosis or no, the tools here can help.

You'll find many people here have loved ones who refuse therapy (or try and give up). That's very common. Are you continuing to see a therapist? That can be very helpful for you.

I can understand not being able to point to one thing. These relationships are complicated! Can you think of a recent incident and describe it? What set it off? How did she react? How did you respond? If we have more details about how your relationship is and how the difficult interactions usually go, that can really help us know how to help you better.

[ganeshasd]

Are you continuing to see a therapist?

Yes i am planning to continue to see the therapist. My next appointment is in 2 weeks.

Can you think of a recent incident and describe it? What set it off? How did she react? How did you respond?

Sure, It was my birthday yesterday and we had gone to a movie. It was a happy mood and at the interval, we went to buy popcorn and coke, at the counter the sales person was talking to me about new offer and was not paying attention to what she was asking him and this ticked her off and she went about ranting at me for bringing her to this cinemas and insulting her in front of everyone. She went on complaining that i never plan anything properly and I always do what i like and stuff. The movie is going on and I was hardly able to concentrate, I asked her sorry several times and she threw back at me telling sorry does not fix everything and her life is horrible. I asked her if she wants to leave and we could spend time somewhere else but she rejected the idea and continued to rant. I patiently waited for her mood to get better which it did eventually after an hour. But that better mood did not last for long since to my bad luck the cafe we went did not serve good coffee. So end of the I was at fault for all these things.

Since i knew she had BPD i kept calm all this while but it did not do much good since me being silent irritates her more, so i was trying to remind her of the good things of the past as a part of some conversation and making her talk about different things. Somehow the day ended well. And today i was at work from morning till now.

[Ozzie101]

As you've probably learned, pwBPD have very strong emotions and often have a deep-seeded fear of abandonment. It sounds to me like at the movie theater, she felt ignored (re: abandoned), which hurt her feelings. But, as a pwBPD, that hurt was more like a third-degree burn than a sunburn. In her hurt and anger, she lashed out at the safe target (you) and in a tangential way. Does that sound right?

My H would do things like that. A doctor's office would be slow getting back to him. He'd take it as a personal insult, then turn it on me and talk about how awful doctors are and, as an extension, my family (since some of them are doctors). Made no sense, really, but I eventually learned to see through to the core of what he was upset about.

Incidents like this are a way of life. You can't stop them from happening. Nor can you shield her from them.

What you can do is listen to her and validate the feelings behind what she's saying. You were able to stay calm. That's good. But when you listened and responded, did you really listen and respond? Or was it more about trying to get it all to stop?

Here are a couple of articles that I've found very helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

I'm not trying to be critical. Just to get you to look at your reactions and how they might play into the dynamic. I know in my case, once I changed how I responded to my H (with calm strength and empathy as opposed to desperate apologies or playing along just to get him to stop), things actually improved. Not saying this will definitely happen in your case, but building your own confidence and strength will do you a world of good, regardless of what happens in your relationship.

Give those a read and let me know what you think!
If you were to do this over, what would you do or say different?