Afraid of what he will do

[Mermaid712]

Hello ..

this is my first post ... and i am already so grateful to have found this group.

I'm currently going through the ending (this time for good) of my 9 month relationship.

I guess i'm just here for some guidance .. to know what i can do to ease the stress on him ...

do i just stay quiet?
try to explain why things can not continue?

He's verbally abusive and says awful things .. and the worst part is i'm afraid of retaliation he may be planning

I'm just so afraid and not sure what he's capable of

Thank you for reading 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello and welcome 

Mermaid I am struck by your post because it is all about taking care of him, his needs and emotional well-being.
What about you, who is there to take care of you and support you whilst you are going through this?

Tell us a bit more about ‘going through the ending’ of your relationship. Does your partner know the relationship is over, are you living together atm?

Are there safety concerns for you from him, are you worried he might hurt you?

You will find plenty of support, information and guidance from the lovely members on here.

[Mermaid712]

TY so much Sweetheart (fitting name)

your reply made me cry .. ty for mentioning my needs..but as someone who clearly struggles with personal boundaries .. i have the tendency to not put myself first.

with that said, i have an amazing family and support system .. so i have much to be grateful for.

my SO does not .. we do not live together ..in fact, we live 250 miles apart .. but that doesnt make me feel any less concerned about my safety or his.

we've been struggling since January ..broken and rekindled man times since we began 9 months ago...almost monthly .. and now our daily conversations are all about the ending...but the content of the exchanges frighten me ... as many of the conversations we've had before.  He also suffers from PTSD ... he is an army veteran.

I dont think he will hurt me physically ...but i am concerned that he may drive to me with some of my personal belongings as an excuse to see me.

i'm not sure how to end things...whats the right amount of contact .. if any ... should i end all contact .. should i allow email communication ..should i shut down completely ... i'm just afraid and confused.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi mermaid,

I'm sorry for the stressful situation you are going through. Going through a breakup, even if we know it is the most healthy choice for us, is still not easy. I understand that you are concerned for him, especially since you said he does not have the support system that you do.

Regarding contact, I would suggest that you pay attention to how you feel when you do communicate with him. Are you anxious? Stressed? Frustrated? do you notice any physical symptoms when you communicate with him? Then perhaps ask yourself if the effects of the communication are something you feel is sustainable. What do you feel comfortable with overall?

If it is extremely stressing to you to communicate, then perhaps you should consider low contact or just email for now.

Do you have a counselor or therapist to help support you through this?

All the best,

Redeemed

[Mermaid712]

Ty for your reply, Redeemed

And once again, it never dawned on me to consider MY needs or feelings.

I do feel anxious .. mostly because he has been devaluing me with every interaction ... saying i have another man in my life... that i never loved him... that i lied to him and i wont go into the awful name calling.  But I also feel glimmers of concern for me in his words .. like, i deserve better and he will always love me ...but every exchange ends badly.

I've blocked  him on social media and my phone too
so email would be the only contact for now.

I guess what i'm trying to figure out is if its easier to not engage with him (for his closure) ... I know I will heal and get through this with the help of my support system ... I'm just trying to protect him from more pain then he is already experiencing.

I do have a therapist ..but do to insurance issues atm, i'm not able to meet with her .. but i plan on sorting that out as soon as i am able.

and ty again, so very grateful for your reply and support.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm sorry, mermaid, those are tough things to hear. My stbx said many of the same things to me. He accused me of seeing someone else, using drugs, and alienating our son from him. Anything but accepting responsibility for his behaviors that made living with him unsafe.

I know you don't want to cause him pain, but I doubt that he will ever experience "closure" from this relationship the way in which you hope. Prolonged communication is likely to just be something upon which he can seize to either continue to project his emotions upon you or continue to verbally abuse you and devalue you.

Here is a link to an article that discusses breaking up with a person with BPD. Towards the bottom it talks about the level of communication and suggests some do's and don't's. Perhaps you can take a look and see if it benefits you:
Leaving a Partner With Borderline Personality Disorder

[Mermaid712]

And today i received 2 doz roses from him ... i was weak and texted him ty .. although i probably should have not said anything .. because he knew he would get a reaction from me ... and i am feeding right into it ... this is going to be way harder then i imagined

[Copycat2018]

Hello,
Thank you for sharing.
Please read the artucle that was posted by " i am redeemed"
Because it does explain very very well and clearly what behaviors you need and not need.

I have just read it, am in a similar detriorating situation where i will need to consider what the article explains.
It is scary that you need to be careful to this extent and hard to do what is recommended in the article but i very much believe that the way it is the smartest.

Since you have a support system, that will definitely help you.
Good luck with everything!