Cut off from GC last year. Should I show up for surprise visit on GS birthday?

[Suzin]

I have a 30 year old daughter with BPD. She suddenly cut me off and has not let me communicate with my grandchildren. What do you think if I show up for a surprise visit on my grandson's birthday this summer?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Suzin. It's very painful for everyone involved when things get to this point.

Will the party be at your daughter's home? Is your daughter's partner in the picture and do you have a relationship with him?

One thing I remember reading from a man who had been an alienated child of a BPD mother was encouragement for alienated loved ones to consider visiting the child at school for lunch or being a volunteer or whatnot.

What are your thoughts about doing something like that?

[Suzin]

I was very close with my daughter and her husband for many years. Even though she would cause drama and arguments with friends/ family and neighbors. Then suddenly last year she cut me off, sent me several horrible text messages, everything is my fault, called me names, as she was quite abusive.

I do not have contact with her husband, as she blocked my number from all of their phones. I was very close with my grand children and miss them terribly. She uses them as a weapon. (Which she did to her husbands family about 4 years ago) .

I don't know what else to do, I am afraid she will call the police or cause a scene in front of the children. I think she is manipulating them and telling them I don't care.

I already looked into legal rights, and basically I have none. Has anyone experienced a surprise visit after no contact? If so, what happened?

[stampingt1]

Hi Suzan,

I think that just showing up at your grandchild's bday party will go down bad. Your daughter might call the cops & those poor kids would see this. Of course, she probably would explain to them that your are that bad guy here & not herself.

 

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Suzin
I join the others in welcoming you. It must be very painful to be shut out of not only your daughter's life but also your grandchildren.  It is not unusual for people with BPD to go "no contact" from us for a while. It's sometimes the only way they can cope with their emotions. My son does this too. I find the more I "reach out" during those times the more he pulls away more angry and withdrawn than before. So no, I would not advise crashing the party. Hard as it may be it is important to respect her boundaries. It is also important to take good care of yourself as you are going through this. Do you have a self care plan?

[Only Human]

Hi Suzin  

I can't imagine the pain of being cut off from a GC; my heart goes out to you!  

I agree with others who posted before me in that a surprise visit may end terribly, although I do understand wanting to do something. You enjoyed many years of closeness with your DD and her family; to be cut off from contact is devastating. Especially when you suspect your GC are being told you don't care. Ugh.

Has there been any communication at all since last year? Has your DD ever given a reason for the shut-out?

No matter the reason, it's painful, and I'm glad you're here looking for ideas - a way back "in."

~ OH