Had a long conversation with Dad

[Vanilla Sky]

This thread is a continuation from:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334747.0

An update.

Last week I invited my enabler dad for a coffee and we had a long conversation. I didn't try to choose the "right words" as I always did, and I didn't pretend to have it all together. That was a suggestion from my T: with your father "talk from your heart". I did. I told him I can't take the abuse from my aggressive mother anymore. I can't try to regulate her emotions and leave myself to be broken after every phone call with her. I challenged some things that he said to me. He saw his daughter crying, being vulnerable, but with a grip on reality, maybe for the first time. I told him that I love him and I want him in my life. I told him he had distanced himself from me since I went NC with my mother, and that he didn't need to do that. He doesn't need to choose between his daughter and his wife. He had tears in his eyes. It was like he never thought about it before.
The next day he sends me a message "I am feeling sad today. I didn't know you were hurting. I thought you were not talking to your mother because she can be hard to deal with sometimes. I am sorry. I love you and that will never change."

Yesterday was his birthday, I called him and asked if he was going to spend the day doing something that he likes. He said he was going to work all day but he was ok with that because "your mother is being impossible, so better to stay out of the house for a few hours".

I feel sad for him. For her birthday he got a cake for her, he was trying to make her happy. On his birthday, she was calling him names. I guess I am no longer playing my role in the drama triangle, so it seems that things are falling apart there.

But I don't feel guilty and that is new to me. I really don't feel guilty, and I don't feel that can help them. My mother is dysregulated and my father avoids her. I have read about "narcissist injury" and what happens when a pwNPD loses narcissistic supply. It seems that it could be what is happening to her after we went to NC.

I don't feel guilty, I don't feel obligated. I am justing feeling sad.

[JNChell]

Is it safe to say that you’re on a new level with your dad?

[Vanilla Sky]

Is it safe to say that you’re on a new level with your dad?

I'd say it is a work in progress, but I feel more like an adult around him now. I used to idealize him so much and now I can see him as a human being. I would like to have a relationship with him, I do want him in my life, and I understand that I need boundaries with him too as he avoids conflict and can still try to pull me back into the triangulation when it gets too hard for him. I can't control that and I don't feel I need to go NC with him because of that. He has respected my boundaries before.

It's different from my mother. I think having a relationship is different than having contact. A relationship requires the people involved to care and respect each other. There is no healthy relationship with her, I had to let that go. There could be contact, and likely low contact... someday.

[JNChell]

Having a relationship is different from having contact. What has your experience been?

[Panda39]

Vanilla Sky,

I'm hearing you move towards Radical Acceptance...seeing things the way they are, not what you hope they will be, not the idealized view of parents, but what is.  I also see you breaking the dysfunctional patterns that you, your mom and your dad have been living like some terrible feedback loop. 

All of this will be uncomfortable, you are learning a new way of being, defining family in a new way, discovering that parents are not the all knowing/always right people we think they are when we are children, that you can chose to put you first (that is not bad or selfish) etc.  You are on your own journey growing, learning, and defining how you want your life to be.

More on Radical Acceptance...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

I haven't read this link in a while, but there is something in there about getting comfortable with the uncomfortable and I see you in that place.  Getting comfortable with new healthy decisions that go against all of the dysfunctional behaviors you learned within your family...30 years of a dysfunctional family system.  Of course this will feel uncomfortable it's new for you and you are getting pushback from your parents to jump right into your previous role so they can feel comfortable in the usual dynamic.

I also want to say that even though your brother removed himself from the situation it sounds like he maybe hasn't really resolved alot of his feelings...he sounds very closed about your family.  My SO's older daughter is the same way about her mom, she is no contact and just doesn't want to talk about it.  It is my belief this will bite her in the butt later, stuffing feelings is never good and this will likely resurface later.  Your openness about this with us and your family is a really good thing that you are doing for yourself.  In terms of your brother you can open the door to have the conversation with him but you may have to wait for him to walk through.

Keep doing what your doing I know it isn't easy but you are on the right track.

Panda39

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi JNChell,

Having a relationship is different from having contact. What has your experience been?

When it comes to my parents I always thought of it as a relationship, or that I "have to have a relationship with my mother". To move from this belief to the idea of just having contact with her and not expecting what she can't give (love, empathy)  is requiring me to accept reality and detach emotionally from her. I am starting to find love and compassion within myself. I am so grateful to have found bpdfamily 
Thank you 

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi Panda39

I read your comment right after you posted here and I was both crying and smiling! Radical Acceptance! Wow!
Getting comfortable with the uncomfortable is probably the best way I can describe how I feel right now. My reality hasn't changed but I am finally not fighting with it anymore. I know I am still going to feel negative emotions towards my mother, but I am less afraid of those feelings now. I don't need and don't want to ignore them anymore as I learn to make space for them and not be overwhelmed. I am so grateful to have found bpdfamily, have a Therapist that is committed with my healing, and an understanding husband. I am allowing myself to feel self-compassion and it feels right 

I also want to say that even though your brother removed himself from the situation it sounds like he maybe hasn't really resolved alot of his feelings...he sounds very closed about your family.  My SO's older daughter is the same way about her mom, she is no contact and just doesn't want to talk about it.  It is my belief this will bite her in the butt later, stuffing feelings is never good and this will likely resurface later.  Your openness about this with us and your family is a really good thing that you are doing for yourself.  In terms of your brother you can open the door to have the conversation with him but you may have to wait for him to walk through.

I totally agree with you. My feelings are resurfacing now and is no fun and require a lot of resilience which I had little. My brother seems to be very resentful and angry. I read that "anger is often grief that has been silent for too long". I couldn't process all this without help, and if my brother wants to resolve his feelings I can show him a way, but as you said, I'll have to wait for him to walk through it.

Thank you so much Panda39