"Sponging" & "reflecting"

[stampingt1]

I'm still reading "stop walking on eggshells". I'm half way thru the book & think I'm getting to the good parts. Read about "sponging" & "reflecting" tonight & "asserting your needs w/ confidence & clarity".

I think putting these things into use "in the heat of the moment" will be hard. Baby steps...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

All of the skills we are learning take practice. One step at a time.

[Skip]

I think putting these things into use "in the heat of the moment" will be hard.

Curious to hear what others have to say about their experiences.

Personally, I do not see these as good "in the heat of the moment" tools. When someone is dysregulated, to me, the best thing is to get past the extinction burst without making things worse, and talk about it when things are back at baseline. I try to do that in the most neutral way possible - I don't want to escalate the conflict or blame and I don't want to be timid or a doormat.

Something as simple as "I can see why you are upset. We need to talk about this. Let's both cool off and talk about it at lunch tomorrow". If he keeps unloading - give him the floor in exchange for calm - "OK, I'm listening. Explain to me what you are upset about so I 'm sure I understand it"  Listen carefully, and then, "OK, I understand what you are saying. Let's both cool off and talk about it at lunch tomorrow"

Get out of the fight zone without making it worse. Comeback to the issue later.

Oddly, a lot of times the issue self resolves. When you re-engage, probe to see if their is anything to talk about.

This should start to work with your son as he begins his DBT classes.

[Lollypop]

Hi

I agree with Faith that if I can see my son is highly anxious I know he isnt thinking clearly. Having said that, it can be easy to validate the invalid so it really depends on the situation and what needs to be said.

If I know I haven’t got my interactions right I do what I call a “re-do”.  I’d leave it a day or so, choose my moment (not tired, hungry in a rush etc) and throw it in “oh, you know the other day when we talked, i was thinking about it again today and I think/feel xxxxx”. I love re-dos and it demonstrates investment in the relationship - it shows them how to perform it themselves in the future with others. It’s teaching that we can try again, make ourselves more undertstood

It’s baby steps!  But goodness, when it starts to go right - it feels so good!  Empowerment.

LP

[Skip]

Good comments!

[stampingt1]

@Skip & Lollypop: I agree to not to further provoke my son when he's having a meltdown & not thinking clearly.

Thanks!

[livednlearned]

I'm still reading "stop walking on eggshells". I'm half way thru the book & think I'm getting to the good parts. Read about "sponging" & "reflecting"

stamping1, I haven't read SWOE. I'm curious what is meant by "sponging"?

[Miserable Mom]

I've found my "JADE" JUSTIFY ARGUE DEFEND EXPLAIN position in the past to be a big part of the escalation. Not reacting is the best reaction at this point. Example constant pressure by daughter to get a job at 16 after the boundary of no job until summer break was clearly established with therapist. My JADED approach allowed the boundary to be destroyed and the focus was then on passing a drug test, transportation issues, schedule. I allowed the manipulation by justifying defending and explaining, escalation ensued rapidly. Next discussion I was prepared with safety plan in place to stand by enforcement with no JADED position, come what may. She backed down and was able to return herself to baseline with no crisis. Job issue has been placed in contract for 3 month goal and is not up for discussion. If one month goals are not met, job gets pushed back, not by me, but by her own accountability.

[FaithHopeLove]

You are doing great MM. By remaining non-reactive you take yourself out of the target zone and put the onus on her to make her own choices. How does it feel when you step aside like this?

[Skip]

what is meant by "sponging"?

Like a sponge: You absorb the person’s projections and “soak up” their pain and rage. You take much of what they say personally, and may feel like it is your responsibility to make things better.

Like a mirror: You reflect the painful feelings back to the rightful owner and don’t get caught up in the accusations, blaming, impossible demands, and criticism.
How to reflect like a mirror:

    Maintain your own sense of reality despite what the other person says.
    Reflect the pain back to the owner.
    Express confidence that the person can learn to cope with his or her own feelings.
    Offer support.
    Make it clear that your loved one is the only person who can control his or her feelings and reactions.
    Show by your actions that there are limits to the type of behavior that you will and will not accept.
    Communicate these limits clearly and act on them consistently.

I think this is the gist of it. I highlighted in yellow the parts I think make the most sense. I'm not sure about the items highlighted in red - I think there is more recent information to suggest that those actions may not be helpful.

[Miserable Mom]

FaithHopeLove
Thanks for your words of support. It is a feeling of great relief to be out of the target zone. Stepping aside and keeping my mouth shut and maintaining a sense of calm is a work in progress. Body Language also important her. My 'escape' mental list go to is to head down to basement and do laundry or go outside and pick up sticks in the yard. Refocus and remove myself from the situation. Self-reflection on how I also reflect my own anxiety/panic/fear vs appearing to be calm/confident/unmoved by any given situation, regardless if I am rattled inside. Progress is an amazing thing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

That is amazing progress. My experience is similar. My DS24XPWBPD can really be extreme when he is having problems regulating hos emotions. If I let myself get hooked into the drama it only gets worse. Learning to detach with love has been an invaluable and liberating lesson.