Could my husband's food issue come from BPD?

[Tattered Heart]

I've started to notice a pattern with my husband when it comes to food. About a week ago I realized it could be a BPD thing. Three things occur with him and food.

1. I do the grocery shopping and menu planning in our home. We raise as much of our food as possible. The rest we buy. I use Walmart pick up for most items, usually vegetables and the few pre-packaged foods we eat. My H constantly complains about the vegetables I get (They really aren't that bad). He tells me I need to go to another store to get our vegetables. I have gone to other stores but the quality of vegetables is awful. Plus making several trips to stores completely overwhelms my senses so I get very grouchy if I have to go into too many places.

About 3-4 weeks ago, I asked him what store he would like me to get vegetables at. He mentioned the health food store 30 miles away. I reminded him that I do not go to that town anymore. I suggested that I could give him the list of vegetables and he could get them when he was in that town for work. He agreed. Went to the store and began texting me with complaints about the cost of the store. Next week he went to another store in another town for vegetables. He was happy with them, but last week when I asked him if he would get the vegetables, he said "I don't feel like it. Just get them wherever you go."

2. I always ask my H what kinds of snacks he would like me to get him. His response is "I don't care. Get whatever." So I get things I know he likes: granola, cereal, chocolate, specialty breads, etc. He helps me put away groceries and starts to critizicize the items I got him. He tells me "Don't get this cereal anymore. It's full of GMOs." Next day he goes to a store and buys his own snacks that include doughnuts, pre-packaged brownies, candy bars, cookies, ice cream, and boxed cheesecake mixes--all of which he fully knows have nothing but extra chemicals, GMOs, and corn syrup. I even point out to him that he complains about me getting one box of Raisin Bran then gets this food. He agrees that it's hypocritical.

3. I cook really great food. We eat like kings. All my food is full of bright colors, simple delicious flavors, and high quality meats. I season my own foods and do not use MSG or premade seasonings. But yet he finds something to complain about at each meal. He tells me the meat is too dry, too undercooked, too overcooked, the flavor is off, the seasonings have gone bad, etc. And none of these things is true. I have to pretend that I happily accept the "constructive criticism" for each meal. If I tell him that what he says is hurtful he tells me that he isn't insulting me, he's just trying to help me become a better cook. Often he will just not eat it. I used to make a big deal over it. Now I just tell him to put it in a storage container so I can have it for lunch the next day.

It's starting to become hurtful and makes me not enjoy cooking. I take a lot of time to do food planning and prep. I like creating these flavorful meals.  It seems like he is trying to control things, almost like it's impossible for him to admit that I did something right. Or that he wants to make sure I'm always second guessing myself. I don't even think he does it purposefully.

Overall it seems that when I put the responsibility of getting his own food onto him he doesn't complain about quality. Same with snacks, when he eats the junk food he buys it's ok so long as I'm not the one who bought it.

Does anyone else's pwBPD do this? Does it sound like a control thing or am I being sensitive?

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[Ozzie101]

It sounds similar to how my uBPDh acted when he was in his "phase." In his case, I suspect there was an element of eating disorder involved. He was really obsessing about his weight (he'd had some medication-related weight gain that was a HUGE trigger).

Anyway, there were several times where I'd make something he'd always loved and he'd say, "I'm sorry. I just really don't care for this." Or he'd get onto me for cooking an extra vegetable. "Why do you have to make green beans? Do we have to have green beans with this? Of course, you're the food police."

That was his big thing -- that I was the "food police." He'd accuse me of looking at him funny if he ate too much or if he wanted dessert. None of that was at all true. He was projecting his own feelings and the actions of his own mother (who was and still is VERY weird about food) onto me.

He'd complain we ate the same stuff all the time. He likes to cook so I'd encourage him to find new recipes and make something. He'd complain he couldn't find anything that sounded good or that was different.

In the case of my husband and my sister, who I suspect has some sort of PD as well, they both had a tendency to pick on something they knew I enjoyed doing and took pride in and tried to belittle me about it. I suppose looking at it the other way, it's also a matter of them hitting a sore, sensitive spot, so my feelings were probably exaggerated as well.

So, yeah, it might have something to do with BPD. To me it felt — and in your case, sounds — controlling.

[GaGrl]

It may be part of a BPD pattern of general negativity.

My DH's ex (uNPD/BPD) is a fantastic cook, especially of here native Thai cuisine. She is absolutely incapable of eating a meal cooked by anyone else without criticizing it, the restaurant service, the decor, you name it.

I'm no longer exposed to any of it (thank you, Boundaries), but my adult step-daughter lives near her and deals with it.  It's not just food, though -- it's as if an inner video is playing with negative thoughts that must just be voiced no matter what. SD37 now is able to sau, "Mom, I don't want to listen to three hours of negativity, so if we're going shopping/ out to lunch, you'll need to find something pleasant to talk about."

[isilme]

Yes.  I get much of the same.  The food I buy (at his request) is "wrong".  I need to buy this or that instead.  I should stop buying things like XYZ, even though last month he demanded XYZ.  Or he sees an old package in the cupboard and assumes I just bought it, "I thought I told you to stop buying this!"

I do all shopping, pretty much all cooking, and while I'm no gourmet, I think I produce decent meals when I have the time and energy to try. 

It's the general malaise they have, I think, looking for targets for complaints.  They know something is wrong, and it must be out there, they just need to find it and complain. 

[empath]

My h is living in an apartment with a roommate. For the past few months, most of our conversations have included him telling me about how he is complaining about the food/drinks that his roommate brings home. In a way, I'm glad that someone else is the current target at least for that part.