One Way Street of Validation & Defensiveness

[mssalty]

I've been working on myself and trying to deal with my own issues that have piled up over my life.  As I've done so, I've come to believe a few things.

1)  The things that irritate my SO most about me are the things that it is hardest for me to address fully because of underlying issues of my own.  My anxiety and the causes that underpin it make me stress easily and create problems with my ability to handle it in a way my SO understands or can provide sympathy for. 

2)  My biggest issue is that the person who needs continual validation is also the person least likely to give you any.  Here's how our discussions seem to go. 

SO:  This orange juice is stale. 

Me:  That's weird. I just bought it.   

SO:  That doesn't mean it isn't stale.   

Me:  I know.  I wonder if it just tastes that way because of the bad orange crop this year.  Maybe they're using not so great oranges. 

SO:  No, I'm telling you it's stale. 

Me:  I understand, I was just trying to think of reasons why it might taste stale.   It still had the safety seal, right? 

SO:  Yes. (angrily) I know to check that.   

Me:  Okay. Just trying to figure it out. 

SO:  It's stale.   (stops talking)

This is a dumb and fake example, but it's close to how things play out.  It seems as though any topic, no matter how small, where anyone else in my life might either have a discussion about what is brought up, or use social cues (changing the subject, saying "you might be right", or some other method), my SO finds a way to turn it into an argument.  In reading the above, I can see how me trying to have a discussion about a statement made (in which my intentions are simply to figure something out, not call out my SO), is seen as invalidating.   But honestly, I simply am dying to just have a conversation with my SO about anything at this point.   

What is most frustrating is that I don't have the right to my own frustrations and anger, and it's always okay for them to blow up at me or someone else, but never okay for me to blow up at anyone.  And if there's a situation in which we both played a part (or I played no part), an attempt to seek reconciliation is me saying "I'm sorry" followed by an angry "okay."   

If I were keeping score, I'd say the ratio me saying "I'm sorry" first to them saying "I'm sorry" first is about 100 to one.  And the ratio of me saying "I'm sorry" followed by "I'm sorry too" is probably near that same amount. 

Once upon a time I had support for my moods and my anger from my family.  They'd tell me I was justified, or in the wrong, but would seek to resolve conflicts within the family or outside in the best way possible.  And they could separate my being angry out of frustration with me being angry directly at them. 

When you're used to that and suddenly someone is coming at you with both barrels at the slightest assault, I tend to go inside myself and wonder what it was I did wrong, especially in minor situations where things seem to have escalated without me realizing they actually escalated.   In a way, it's even more sinister crazymaking than intentional lies. 

I just want to be able to have a normal conversation with my SO and feel safe doing so.  But I feel more an more like I'm isolated an ignored unless it's out of anger.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey mssalty

In reading the above, I can see how me trying to have a discussion about a statement made (in which my intentions are simply to figure something out, not call out my SO), is seen as invalidating.

I'm not BPD that I know of, but in keeping with your example, let me point out how it probably processes. trigger warning, it will probably sound invalidating to you, bear with me :

they says its stale. "obviously" they're trying to draw attention, at face value you'd think its to the juice,  there's something wrong with it right? but no, its about them, it always is with BPD, but they may not know "proper" ways to draw attention to themselves.

You focus on the reason the juice is stale, strike number 1, they just failed at getting your attention, gets angrier.

they repeat their bid for attention: No, the juice is stale, aka, pay attention to me not the damn juice.

you keep at the juice, strike 2, its not about the juice. Now they feel like you are blaming them (did you check the seal?)

Another comment on the juice situation, strike 3, "you don't get it" they think, I just wanted your attention (The juice is still stale).

The "correct" response depends on the person, but its mostly about feelings with BPD. One way I thought could go something like: "It sucks to have stale juice (empathy). what's that staleness tastes like? like bitter or watery? (focusing on them and their experience). we'll get a new carton after work, lets get something to eat while where out and about! (common goals, time together)

When you're used to that and suddenly someone is coming at you with both barrels at the slightest assault, I tend to go inside myself and wonder what it was I did wrong

That's the core of the issue isn't it? did you actually do something wrong?

I think we logically know we didn't, but the response is basically trained so deep into our mind it becomes instinct to react that way.

What is most frustrating is that I don't have the right to my own frustrations and anger, and it's always okay for them to blow up at me or someone else, but never okay for me to blow up at anyone.

Remember, acting on frustration doesn't always mean lashing out "eye for an eye" style, maybe just stand your ground.

Why don't you feel you have the right to your frustration? because of their reaction? why is it ok for them to blow up?