Will this ever end?

[madeline7]

A new turn of events, and yet the same old thing for my elderly widowed uBPDm living in Independent Living. She continues to be needy, manipulative with lots of acting out where she gives me the silent treatment and will be out of contact for a few days or even a week or two. Now she is having some memory issues, and looks like it could be early dementia.. She refuses to see the Dr., get memory testing, and I do not have POA or any right to make decisions for her. Her Dr. is aware of what's going on, but due to the complicated nature of the legal issues, may have to wait for a crisis that brings her into the ER. She is refusing caregivers, Dr. appts, and a move to an Assisted Living. I have anxiety about going for periods of time without checking on her, as now she really has cognitive issues. The place where she lives will not get involved as they are not a licensed Assisted Living. They said if she has another lapse in cognition and appears confused, they will call family and if no one can be reached, will send her to the hospital. I have reached out to her Dr, the community where she lives, a private care manager, placement specialist and social worker. I have exhausted all my resources and can't believe there is no safety net for her. I am also very conflicted about my feelings about not wanting to expend time and energy on a Mother that was narcissitic and toxic. Just wanted to reach out to get a virtual hug.

[Harri]

    

Hi.  I am so sorry you are in the position of having your hands tied like this.  It is so difficult to watch, knowing what is going on, what is likely to happen and not being able to be proactive yet at the same time not wanting to be responsible or have to care take your abuser.

I was in a similar position with my father who, while my mom was my abuser, he sat back passively and allowed the unacceptable to happen.

I think if the Independent living place sends her to the hospital it will be the best thing possible actually.  It would require you saying no you can not go there and maybe you calling for the ambulance but at least that will get her in touch with people who can help.  She may have an infection that is causing the dementia symptoms too (not likely but possible) but the hospitals have social workers on staff that can be called on a case and can advise you from there.

hang in there.

 

[Turkish]

 Were they clear on what the expect family to do? One option is to let her be sent to the hospital for evaluation.  It might be a step in gaining Conservatorship over her.  Have you reached out to adult protective services?

[Notwendy]

In a somewhat similar situation ( with both my parents when my father was alive) I felt they needed more assistance and should not be alone in their home. My father wasn't getting the care he needed. I called social services in distress and their reply was " as long as he is cognitively competent- he is able to make his own bad decisions".

The bottom line message was- that even if it wasn't a good situation, my parents would need to be certified mentally incompetent for me to step in and make any decisions about their care. Even if what I wanted for them was better for them, they were still free to choose what to do.

My mother has been making her own decisions since then. She does have a social worker involved. The SW thinks she needs more supervision but it is still up to her. BPD doesn't qualify her as mentally incompetent and she is quite witty and manipulative. My mother did finally consent to let the SW speak to me, before that, I had no access to her medical providers.

While my BPD mother needs assistance, she also wants to be in total control. She tends to hire helpers who she can manipulate. If anyone tries to tell her what to do, she paints them black. She's in charge. She would not go to assisted living as she would lose her position of total control in that situation. This is also why my parents resisted assisted living when my father needed it. It would have exposed her condition (BPD) to the staff and he didn't want that.

The conclusion I have come to is that, unless my mother becomes mentally incompetent by evaluation, she will do what she wants to do. If I were in your situation, I would allow the trip to the hospital. Once in the hospital, there will be mental and physical evaluations and also a social worker on staff. You could proceed from that, knowing what your options are.

[madeline7]

Thanks to all who responded. I am a health care provider myself, so I am painfully aware of what I can and cannot do. One issue I have is that while she is rejecting outside help, she is reaching out to me to help with errands. Even if I don't answer my phone, the VM's are daily, and when I say No, she either rages but usually hangs up the phone and does a silent treatment for a day or 2 before beginning the pattern again. I am just so weary of what lies in this space between being in independent living and getting to the hospital where her BPD will be revealed, or at least where her cognitive impairment will be clearly seen. She has been challenging, especially in the last 3 years since my Dad passed, but this takes it to a whole new level.

[zachira]

Madeleine7
Glad that you are reaching out to us once again with the challenges you have with your mother with BPD and sad for the reasons that bring you here. I am wondering if you are not giving your mother enough time to settle down and self soothe. When challenging people go into an assisted living, nursing home, Alzheimer's unit, etc., the staff often requests that the family members do not come visit or contact the new resident for two weeks or up to a month. I know when my mother started calling me every day, I ignored her phone calls for up to two weeks or longer at a time, and now she calls me about every two weeks and the phone calls are much less abusive and kinder. Just some thoughts that may or may not be helpful. Take care and keep us posted. We hear how hard it is. You are always very kind and understanding in your support of others here.

[madeline7]

Thank you Zachira for your kind words about me being kind and supportive of others. I find this online community so helpful and knowledgeable. I always learn something by reading the posts, hearing the stories and seeing the responses. It is comforting to know I have a place to turn to, and people who understand. So I, in turn, try to do the same for others. I have just finished a workshop for family members of BPD's, and even though I know many of my own traits have been negatively affected by growing up with a BPDm, I am also realizing that I turned out pretty good, and have a great relationship with my own adult kids. So even though I am weary with the issues around an elderly BPDm, I am grateful that I have much to be proud of!

[Notwendy]

I understand the frustration. When my father got ill, I wanted my parents to be proactive. My father had been the main caretaker for my mother. He did the driving, the grocery shopping, and emotional caretaking. She doesn't do that. So when he was in a position to need someone to help him, I wanted them to move to an independent living situation where they would still have their independence but also would have help. My mother would have transportation and activities, and my father would also have care for him.

I knew I could not be a caregiver to them for several reasons, one being I have my own family and job and don't live close to them. I was willing to help though. As much as I didn't want to live close to BPD mom, there were some nice places within a reasonable drive for me that I suggested.

They would have nothing to do with my suggestions. This was before I knew more about BPD and the dynamics of their relationship. My father was invested in protecting my mother from anyone who might discover her mental issues. My mother needs to have total control, and being in independent living would mean people around who might catch on to her and her behaviors and intervene.

She is still in her own home with people to help her and she chooses people she can manipulate. I have set boundaries with her and our relationship is medium chill. I think she actually prefers that. I've made her angry by setting limits with her, but I've learned I have to have boundaries for my own sanity. It does seem sad - this isn't what I would have wanted for a parent, but I also have to realize that this is who my parent is and she is doing what she chooses to do.

Madelyn- I think it's up to you to set your boundaries and limits. Your mother may not like it, but she's made the choice to not have the help she needs. If she had more help, it would be easier on you, but she chose this. So you have to decide what you are willing to do for her and what you are not willing or able to do for her. It's tough, as being a caring person- we want to help, but my mother would demand more than I can reasonable do- without consideration for me or my family- if I didn't have boundaries with this.

[madeline7]

Notwendy,
You are so right that I have to set these boundaries. That is what I am doing, but it is never easy when dealing with an extremely manipulative deeply entrenched borderline. I feel we have much in common and always relate to your posts. Bette Davis said getting old aint for sissies, but getting old with BPD defies words. Well, I do have some words for this, but I am not allowed to post them here