Lost in lies and chaos

[lostinlies]

I wish I found this forum for 10 years ago. I have read so many threads and guides the last days to understand what is happening in my family right now. Please, excuse my english because it isn't my native language.

I have been in a relation for 13 years with my SO and two children. I have never really understood my wife during this years and people around have noticed strange things. During the years she have cut her self (I have hidden knifes from day one), eaten to much, depressions, most of the times I have been almost as a father, the sex has gotten more and more violent and forceful... For two weeks ago I called some friends to come and pick her up and transport her to a emergency psychiatric clinic cause she was thinking of jumping trough a window screaming that she wanted a divorce. She was so drunk she couldn't stand up, thank God. Our kids saw and heard everything and started crying. When our friends came to pick her up they confronted me about how long I had physically och verbally abused here. And right there we all understood that something is really wrong cause nothing was true that she has been telling us. 

At the emergency the psychiatric doctor suspected borderline/IPS. So I started reading and realized that the description of borderline was a portray of my SO. The day after I meet our friends and SO's family and we started talking and we all realized how many lies, self harm, hatred, lost friends it has been during the years in her life. She has never had a stable employment as an adult. She has never wanted anyones help. During the years she has also chatted with two of our male friends that she wanted to move in asap. They didn't want to tell me this until now 'cause she told them that I would be violent if I found out.

The last year she has been heavy drinking and when she was drunk she began to threaten me in different ways, that my love to her is false, that our friends don't like me and our children. Sometimes she began to cry and told me that I would be better of with someone else. During this time I was thinking that she was falling back in her old depressions. So I started convince here to seek medical help, but she didn't. I had to do it after a couple of months. Around Christmas it all escalated and I think I took my worst decision ever. I told her that if she wanted to live with the family she had to stop drinking or move out. After that much of the love died in our relation. She began chatting with a lot of men and hooked up with one. A person as she now describes as her best friend ever (they know each other for 6 weeks...). She visits him a couple of times a week and it hurts so much... and she stills says it only friendship. But I decided to let it be, less fighting at home and I want to believe her.

Back to near time. After the visit at the ER she was sent home and was like a ghost the first week. She didn't care at all about me (I can tolerate that) and not about the children. The only thing she could talk was about the hobby she shares with the new person and that she want to move out, but she was clear that she don't want a divorce. We were called to a meeting with CPS cause the alcohol abuse and she didn't care at all about the situation except when she stared me in the eyes and said: I love him but I can't live with him. CPS decided that everything is ok if we both participate in counseling for alcohol. I didn't dare to say how she treats our children at home at that meeting which I regret.

Now it has been almost two weeks since she was in the ER, and she has been so cold. Beginning of this week when we had lunch she told me when we talked about the family: "It will be so good to get rid of all anxiogenic element in her life". Her look frightened me, it wasn't my wife sitting there in front of me telling me this. She yelled at me that I got more appointments with doctors and support calls with the psychiatric clinic than her in this chaos (the reason is that I am functioning and have to have focus on the children and here, they are working proactive). I tried to use SET and I think it worked, cause she winded down.

Strangely enough she started to show some affection for me yesterday. I don't know if it's because of me backing of from her. And she called me from work today and wondered why I didn't text here today (something I have done since the day we got together).

Right now I really don't know what to do right now to begin healing for myself and find a way were we can be a family. I love her still, I wish I hated her instead. I'm afraid that I will collapse from her way to treat me and the kids. So send your prayers and thoughts and tips.

What I'm (or her if I'm correct) struggling with right now:
* It's me that's is broken according to her, I was bad that made that she came to the ER
* She knows that she hasn't borderline/ips and will try to make the psychiatry believe that she said.
* She is healthy and normal (that's why she is forced to take Disulfiram)
* The family is in her way to live fully as she want
* She has only one friend 'cause everyone is evil and hates her (I was her best friend and SO until two weeks ago)
* I'm so good and nice so I got all help and everyone believes me and not her
* I'm totally exhausted mentally right now and she laughs at me when I mentioned sick leave (I have made arrangements with my boss that I can come to work and rest in that case so that I don't to be home)
* The only thing working is school and kindergarten, cause I talked to them and informed them so the kids get support if they need during the day

Sorry for wall of text...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I had written a long response to you last night and lost it when I went to post it.   Grrr.

Your situation sounds difficult and I am so sorry you are going through this but I am glad you found us and are reaching out for help.  We have a lot of people in similar circumstances so you are in good company.  Posting to other people will help you see you are not alone.  Have you had a chance to look around?

You mentioned you used SET successfully with your wife.  Are you familiar with the other tools we offer here?  We have several that can help improve things for you. 

I think you did the right thing in terms of getting your wife help when she was threatening suicide.  It sounds like it has led to a lot of intervention for the both of you.  I imagine things are all upside down and sideways in your life right now as there is a new sort of normal.  Give yourself time to settle in.  Are you getting counseling as well?

Sorting through all of this is going to take time.  The best thing I can recommend for you to do right now is to post and read other threads and post in them.  Seeing that you are not alone and building a support network apart from your wife and family will be vital for you in terms of taking care of yourself.   Reading others accounts can help you get clarity on your own situation and as you respond to others it helps you organize your thoughts.  We all have something to offer other, so when you can reach out.  In the meantime, we can help you too.

If you had to pick on thing to work on, what would it be?

[lostinlies]

Hi Harri and thank you for your reply to my long text. I have been reading a lot in the threads in this forum and begun to understand much of her behavior for the years we have been togehter. Right now I'm focusing on SET to learn that part, much of the communication at home is only what's needed to say: do you want dinner, at what time do you pick up the children...

We had kind of serious talk yesterday about that day when she got to ER and what happened afterwards. I telled her that I was feeling hurt about that the lies she had telled our friends and her parents that I was hitting her at home. And she looked at me and said: "You want this to be about you, it's always about you, You telled my friends that I'm abusing alcohol and that I was forced to ER. That's the cause I'm looking for a new apartment to live in". After that silent treatment for some hours. The reason I and her family told her friends was that she made a threat that she would flee to them and no one knew how serious the threat was. And I have tried to explain this to her but she don't take it in. Right now it is like living with an 14 year old teenager that is raging against her parent.

I get good help from the psycatric clinic where we live. And I meet a doctor for a couple of days ago who was asking very much about my SO, and that's not standard procedure. When I got home I realised that it's the same doctor that will meet my SO - which I think is good and I understand why he asked the things he did.

What I would want to work on right now is to better the communication between her and the children (D5 and D10) we have togheter.

For my part I'm trying to find the happy things in life - almost cried when I made dinner yesterday and my SO gave me a hugh for no reason. It was one of the best hugs ever but also one of the most hurting hugs also. Cause I really don't know who she is and what she wants at all. Really hard to explain what I mean, I'm distrusting her and also myself - how can I still love someone that's spread lies about me, meet other men behind my back, who threatens with divorce, to move out e.t.c. If a friend to me was telling this to me I would tell him to leave his SO. But I want to give our relation a chance - primary for the children an secondary for me.

[lostinlies]

Hi again, and little update about what's going on.

This last couple of days has been a lot easier to cope with. Mostly because of this forum and that my SO has begun to "normalize" in some sort of way. I have been withdrawn most of the time, defensive 'cause it's to easy to start a conflict. The latest conflict was yesterday when her phone couldn't connect to the bluetooth speaker - somehow it was my fault and that my phone always is number one. So she went out of the kitchen and gave me silent treatment for a couple of hours.

She has been looking on an apartment this friday that she wants to move to. When she saw me later that day she asked me what I was thinking about I told her that I'm feeling sad and are fighting with some big questions that I want to discuss with the couple counselor. But I told her at last that I was afraid, that she is following her plan that she had told her friends and parents. That she would move out and after the summer file for a divorce. And that I don't know who's story I should listen to. She became so angry at me, shouting that she sees this as a new start in her life and that I should be happy that she keeps me informed. And then she walked away and didn't come home until evening.

This day it was almost the same thing. A lot of kisses and hugs this morning and I went to soccer with the kids. Feeling happy for the affection so I made lunch for the family and offered to drive her to work. In the car she tell me about the apartment and that she has told the landlord she wants it and it is available from 1 of may. I asked her about why she needs to move away and she became fierce and started shouting at me that we had agreed about this. And I told her peacefully that she had informed me about her decision, a decision I haven't been a part of. And I asked if this is about learning to live for her own or if this is about what she told CPS "that she can't live with me". Which made her even more angry so she answered back: "stop giving me anxiety to control me". So no good bye kiss, and when she got out of the car she immediately took up her phone started texting and walked away.

I realize that it might be to much to ask of her to get some answers. Because I'm not sure she even knows them either. I can accept that she makes her decisions but I wish she could see and understand that they affect other people to. It seems like she's only acting out of feelings. And if confronted with what has been said and done earlier by her gives her shame and anxiety. One sentence is still ringing in my head from that day when she wanted to divorce and tried to bang her head through the window: "I hope I'm not destroying anything between us".