Not sure where to begin/I'm afraid

[firefighter5]

Hi everyone.  I have been roaming around these message boards a bit the past few months and it has been helpful to know there are other people who get it.  I feel less alone.  So thanks so much for that.

This is my first post.  I am a woman who has been in a relationship with another woman who I can only imagine is uBPD.  We have been together for a little over 2.5 years and have been living together for 2 of those years.  I have been in other long term relationships but she was the first person I ever wanted to commit to, and saw a life with.  I was blown away, submerged in love, and completely surprised by this relationship when it was new (and also for some time as I carried on rationalizing her confusing, frustrating, and terrifying behaviors).  It was magic.

I would say that while there are still flashes of that love from time to time, for the past 6 mo - a year, the reality of this sick cycle of abuse has really been slowly setting in and preventing me from ever sliding entirely back into lala land with her. 

There is so much I want to share about her behaviors, and our overall dynamic.  But for now, the issue we are butting up against is the fact that the lease for the place we are currently living will be up at the end of this month and the plan is supposed to be that will be moving to a new place to live on my own and she will be going to stay with her sister.  This would be what is healthiest for me, even though there is a financial piece to this - that I will be having to pay 2x as much in rent than I have been for the past 3+ years.  I can pull this off, as long as there is not either A. the drama from our fighting and the destruction of entire work days preventing me (I work for my self)  or B. the stress, anxiety, and loneliness resulting from this step towards distance and possibly a break up between us (I am pretty codependent and have some OCD? issues around communication that really amp up the trauma and drama that this relationship brings).  Additionally, her reactions, anger, blame, and verbal beratements around "having to go live in her sisters basement" even though we both know we need healthy space is looming around all of this.

In some of her clearer and fairer moments, she agrees that we could use some space and atleast make that our next step, if we are not quite able to end the relationship.  But there is no steadiness with her.  Just extreme pushing and pulling.  Lashing out, blaming, projecting, suicidal statements, negativity, and darkness.  I am having a hard time being strong.  I don't have a close family situation (Mom is most likely upbd), and I really believed in this person and in us.  I can't handle the devaluation and hate that comes from her stress.  And this is a very stressful time where I need to stay steady and take care of myself.  I can't let her move in with me into the new place, at least not right away.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi firefighter5! Welcome to the family!

This is a caring, supportive community here and we "get it." We've been there (or are still there). Relationships involving BPD can be difficult to manage and the emotional toll and whiplash can really wear you down.

You say the upcoming change in living situation is the main issue at the moment. Can you tell us a little more about that? How and why was the decision to live separately reached? Was it mutual?

[firefighter5]

Thanks Ozzie.

"Mutual" is a tricky word in this scenario.  At times, it has been her idea, and at times, it has been mine.  When it is hers, it seems to come from wanting to test me or read me.  I simply and calmly agree, just glad that she is able to mention it without going down the anger road.
 But the resolve isn't steady for her.  Actually conversing about it, having an adult conversation is near impossible.

It is risky for me to bring it up or suggest it.  When I do, she catastrophizes the situation and all of a sudden we are not only living separately, but also breaking up (sometimes) she goes to the extent to say she never wants to see me again.  She gets agitated, anxious, talking over me, unable to listen and sometimes downright nasty in general.  So, it's better if it's her idea.

I hadn't mentioned this in the first post, but last night was a heart-shredding doozy of a night.  Threw pottery and said she wishes she would have never met me.  Long story short, the morning was apologetic and "I didn't mean what I said" and "If I don't finish my dissertation by August, I will kill myself".  She has been calmer today because I think she actually is sorry for her actions and words last night and is getting clearer that she has some serious issues that are hers and not "because of this relationship".   We have been able to talk a bit about the moving situation today (the calm after the storm).  But she is (more calmly and fairly) saying that she wants to move with me, she loves me and loves being around me, needs my help, might try DBT, can't live with her sister because she can't stand her sister's roommate, BUT if she can't live with me, she's moving back to her family (on the other side of the states).  I tried to suggest other options like staying with friends for a bit just to give us some space for a month.  She's not into it - the friends that she could possibly stay with she "couldn't stand living with".

Just last night the message was more like "You are bringing me down", "I will never finish my dissertation if I stay with you".  She has said she will try DBT before but soon enough calls the whole thing off saying "It's not fair", "You are the crazy one" etc etc. 

She needs to finish her dissertation and I need my heart to heal up a bit.  I am not getting my work done either.

[Ozzie101]

The "it's not fair" regarding therapy is very familiar to me. When my H was in his dysregulation period, he pulled that one out more than once -- insisting everyone else was the problem, not him. I should have to go to therapy instead. Or my family should, since they made him angry. It's a very common reaction, though not easy to hear or deal with since it's so illogical. I remember I always felt so frustrated and demoralized by those statements because it made me feel like it was hopeless and he'd never "get it."

As you probably know, abandonment fears are a BIG thing with most pwBPD. This move and alteration in your relationship is likely a big trigger for your GF, hence the lashing out and throwing things, the anxiety, the nastiness, the pushing you away (seems paradoxical, but people with abandonment issues often push others away as a test or a way to keep control of the situation), etc. How do you usually react when she gets like this?

[firefighter5]

As you probably know, abandonment fears are a BIG thing with most pwBPD. This move and alteration in your relationship is likely a big trigger for your GF, hence the lashing out and throwing things, the anxiety, the nastiness, the pushing you away (seems paradoxical, but people with abandonment issues often push others away as a test or a way to keep control of the situation), etc. How do you usually react when she gets like this?

I especially don't respond "well" to her devaluing and hurtful words.  I scramble to prove myself.  I scramble to calm her.  I urgently need those moments to turn towards a breakthrough or a transformational turn-around with all the "I am so sorry", "I want to never do this again", and "I see the light" bells and whistles.  So, I don't always walk away when I should.  I don't stay as calm and steady as I would like (and from what I read about BPD, as she needs me to), I don't set and hold my boundaries.  A lot of times, I make things worse for us and/or me.  BUT I have gotten better at this over the past 6 months or so.

Example:  She says things like, "You pull me down to your level", or personally-attacking statements (that are often some frankenstein of insecurities or vulnerabilities I have shared with her OR are based on a singular specific instance and aren't generally true but look a hell of a lot like projection) like, "You can't hold down a 'real' job and that's why you have to work for yourself", and a really bad one recently: "I wish I had never met you!"

I try to reason or explain why and how these things aren't true.  I try to point out the positives.  I try to show her how maybe she is seeing things in a certain light right now but doesn't seem to always see things that way (and later often says she doesn't).  I try to fight fire with air (rationality, headiness).  This is not to say that I may or may not be bawling, desperately needing her to take back her awful words and own her rageful gestures with empathy.

This ^ ends up not being validation.  I get it.  A lot of the time, I can and do validate well.  I am much clearer about her BPD patterns and cycles and better at it than I used to be, and atleast can do it some of the time: "I can understand how you might feel that way...I also see how it would be hard to see things as clearly as you normally would because you are feeling so upset right now."  I validate when things aren't off the rails.  When they go off the rails though, validation seems to be either impossible or ineffective.  What is needed is disengagement - and that is the part I am awful at ONCE she is already swirling down that rabbit hole.  I can't handle, I guess, the invalidation that I am getting from her in those moments.  It is what my mother did to me: "Don't tell me you love me.  If you loved me, you would _______." and I believe it is very triggering to me.

[firefighter5]

And yes, Ozzie, I can relate to the feeling of them never "getting it".  It's so frustrating and seems to be a mental torture I am getting used to.  There's this obsession with "fairness" that I see with her but it's like, seriously?  Emotionally, this relationship feels so incredibly unfair to me.  I see 2 therapists - my personal therapist who I work on my anxiety disorder with (well trying to but I usually just end up talking about my relationship with my gf) as well as our former couple's therapist who challenged my gf, and who my gf "dumped", and who I now see solely to process and improve my relationship with my girlfriend.  I read about BPD way more than I probably have time for.  I do love so much about my gf.  So much.  And I care about her, as a person, so deeply.  (I love the crevices of time when there's less BS going on and I can tap into THAT part of my relationship with her more.) 

But I am also very hurt, feeling the need to be cautious and caring and needing to make the right move at this critical juncture where we have an opportunity for some space, consideration, and re-calibration.  I just wish we could take some space - not even break up - without her reaction being threats, hateful words, and rages which somehow cripple me and rope me back in.   I am overwhelmed and tired (and I know she is too).

[JNChell]

Hi, firefighter5. Welcome. I’m sorry that you had to find us, but glad that you did. As Ozzie101 stated, we get it here and you’re in very good hands.
 
2.5 years is a long time. That’s a big chunk out of your life.

It was magic.

It felt good. Familiar in a sense. I think that magic is a good word to describe those feelings. I totally relate.

What you’re currently experiencing is fairly typical when dissolving a BPD relationship. There’s nothing easy about it. Your emotions are high. That’s ok. They will be for a while, but it will get better.  

You’re correct in not living with her right now. You need your space. Don’t budge on that. You come first right now. She’s an adult and you’re not responsible for her or her feelings. Look after yourself. I think that you’ll find it rewarding.

[once removed]

This ^ ends up not being validation. 

its not just that it isnt validation.

its that its invalidation to a person already on the edge, and fuel for a circular argument.

the key when that is going on, is not necessarily to validate it. validation is a broader tool. its good to create a validating environment in the relationship overall. its good to validate your partners concerns, feelings, struggles, etc. but if someone is coming at you with guns blazing, it can kinda be like someone punches you in the face and saying "you must feel awful, i can understand why youd punch me in the face".

she gets under your skin a bit and presses buttons. it happens to the best of us. the trick is to change your response...dont play into it, dont reward it. pivot with a mature response. sometimes that means taking a time out to cool off. just dont get into the habit of using a timeout as punishment.

(I love the crevices of time when there's less BS going on and I can tap into THAT part of my relationship with her more.) 

use these to improve upon and build up the relationship. use them to work together and to get on the same page.