I want to be thoughtful in how I engage and/or disengage with her

[stark]

Hi,

I found my way here via the book Stop Walking On Eggshells, which my therapist recommended to me. My mom had many different diagnoses as I grew up (BPD, schizophrenia, depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, anorexia...), and I never paid much attention to the "labels" -- I just knew our relationship was toxic. She was out of my life for a long time (ages ~13-24), and then I slowly allowed her back in on my terms (short phone calls, staying on neutral topics, never getting emotional). That lasted for about five years, and it was fine; it was limited, but it was the healthiest relationship we'd ever had.

She had a breakdown recently and left her husband and ended up in a psych ward. Now she is looking to connect in a deep toxic way all over again. When I left as a kid, it was instinctual, a survival mechanism, not something I thought about. Now I want to be thoughtful in how I engage and/or disengage with her, and so I am studying BPD for the first time. It so clearly fits her patterns, and these shameful things I thought were unique to my life. I'm working on this in therapy and researching the topic, but I thought I would reach out via this resource, as well.

Thanks for reading.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us.  I am sorry to hear of your moms recent troubles. 

We can support you as you navigate your way to the type of relationship you want with her.  We do have several tools here that you can use to help with establishing boundaries and managing conversations with her.  We can also help with coping strategies or even just listening.  You are definitely not alone as many of us can relate to having a difficult and or abusive relationship with a parent.

Are you hoping you can get back to where you described your relationship as the healthiest ever? 

[stark]

Hi Harri,

Thank you for your reply.

The honest answer is: I don't know. She called me last night (pretty late) and basically asked if we could please have a codependent relationship. And I politely but firmly said no. It was a really crazy conversation, and part of me just wants to run as far away from her as I can, cut off ties again, etc. Another part of me knows she's sick and struggling, and of course I want to be supportive. I just don't know if I can be supportive without being totally "sucked in," if that makes sense. And I don't know if I have enough extra energy to maintain strict boundaries and do all the work I know would be necessary to even get close to having a functional relationship again. I guess I'm scared about engaging, scared about her taking over my life again, scared about being put in the position of taking care of her, which was what happened when I was a kid.

[Harri]

I understand the concerns you express here.  It might take some time to figure things out and that is okay.   Decisions like this are tough but fortunately they can be changed.

I just don't know if I can be supportive without being totally "sucked in," if that makes sense.

It makes a lot of sense.  The old ties can still pull at us emotionally and those are hard to reason through. 

I guess I'm scared about engaging, scared about her taking over my life again, scared about being put in the position of taking care of her, which was what happened when I was a kid.

I fought against this too with my mom when she got sick again (after I had broken away from the family and started to detach).  The thing is, you are different now and have skills you did not have when you were a kid.  You are not helpless or at the mercy of the adults anymore.    That said, I also hear you when you talk about the energy and extra work it will take to have a functional relationship.  It is a difficult position to navigate but one that we can support you through.