What Now?

[Bunsen48]

I believe my wife, of 23 years, has BPD (Un-Diagnosed). I have two children, both girls ages 14 and 11. I just finished reading the walking on Eggshells book and realized that my wife has BPD. I don't know what to do now. I stopped in at a mental health facility today to start talking to a counselor. I'm afraid that I'm loosing myself in all this, and I can be of no help to my kids if I loose it. I'm hoping that there are others here that I can talk to, just not sure where this is going to go or how this might help. I don't really want a divorce, but I also don't want to go nuts. Help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[No-One]

Bunsen48:
Welcome!
Lot of people arrived here, after reading the Eggshell book.  I'm sorry you are having a tough time.  You will find a lot of people here who understand what you are going through.

It's good to hear that you are taking steps to take care of yourself.  You can't change your wife, unless she wants help.  You can make things better for yourself by learning communication tools and strategies that can help  the way you interact with and react to your wife.

A good place to start learning some skills, is to visit the large green band at the top of this page and check out the "tools" menu.  Also, the link below leads to a "Lessons" area on this board.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

What are some of the biggest problems you face with your wife right now?  How are your girls reacting to your wife?  Are either of them afraid of her?

[Bunsen48]

We are all terrified of her. My girls are 14 and 11. So my 8th grader is involved in as many things as she can, to avoid being at home. Plus shes a teenager, who is pulling away from us as parents, because that's what they do. My wife sees that as abandonment. And hates her one minute and is great friends with her another. I worry about my older daughter and how this is affecting her now for future relationships.

My younger daughter has been tagged by my wife as the bad child while the older is the good child. They do the same things, but there is always different responses from their mother. They avaoid any conversations with their mother for fear of getting ridiculed or yelled at.

I do the same things. I've shut down communication. I'm afraid that what I say will just get me into another argument on why this is all my fault and why I'm causing all the problems. I'm tired of all the blame being on me. Doesn't matter if I do something different or nothing at all. Makes me wish I had a drinking problem, at least then I could blame it on something tangible and true.

[No-One]

We are all terrified of her.

Does she ever get physical in any way, or is it exclusively verbal abuse? 

I can understand how hard it has to be for all three of you and I can understand your concern for your daughters.  Can you get your daughters into therapy?  I'm particularly concerned for your younger daughter, who is painted black.

I commend you for recognizing the problem and for starting to seek help.  It won't be easy, but your children will be eternally grateful if you can help them and defend and protect them.  Telling them that mom is sick and can't help herself won't help them.  They need to be protected from abuse.

Your story is somewhat common, if you read posts on the board for adult children with BPD family members.  I've read multiple post by adult children who were the one that was painted black by their BPD mom.  Generally, they had a father who was afraid to protect them, which made for a bad relationship with both parents.

I've shut down communication. I'm afraid that what I say will just get me into another argument on why this is all my fault and why I'm causing all the problems.

The two threads below might be helpful and/or give you some ideas.  Sounds like you don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), but that thread could help you with some alternatives to just saying nothing. 

DON'T JADE:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
THE DYSFUNCTIONAL DANCE:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0

Just a few questions about your wife:
1. Has she ever been diagnosed with any mental illness?
2. Has she ever taken antidepressants or meds for anxiety?
3. Are her symptoms getting worse?
4. Has she ever had therapy?
5. Anyone else on her side of the family have mental health issues?  (maybe her mom?)

I understand that this has to be very overwhelming for you right now.  It would probably be best if you can find a therapist that is familiar with BPD.  Going to therapy and posting here can be a good combination.  Some people like to post about setting boundaries and ask for help with starting to use some of the communication skills.