BPD Wife with Kids, how to protect them

[Bunsen48]

I'm a bit of a newbie here. But I haven't seen much info on surviving a relationship with a BPD wife with children. It kills me to see them get belittled and I try to explain that mom has a disease and she doesn't mean to do that. Than they think I'm defending her. I just don't know how to get them the help they need. They need someone to talk to. Does anyone know if there are Children resources on th\is forum? A place that kids can go for help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Bunsen, and welcome to BPD family  !

I am sorry that you are struggling with your wife's behaviors and their impact on the children. It is definitely hard to know what to say or do when your kids see your wife acting in ways they don't understand.

How old are your children? Have you considered seeking counseling for you and the kids?

Here is a workshop that I found in the Library on this website that may interest you, if you haven't seen it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=97979.0

Can you tell us a little more about your relationship and what behaviors your wife exhibits?

We are here to support you. I hope you will continue to post whatever you feel comfortable sharing.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Bunsen48]

I guess I'm so overwhelmed I just don't know where to start. My wife shows these signs constantly: extreme emotional swings, projecting her emotions on to others, absent of her own self image, she drinks heavily, has constant rages and then the next day it's like nothing happened, she belittles me and the kids, she blames me for everything, One daughter is perfect and the other is a failure, I could go on and on.

Last Rage my wife had went on for 4 hours,, while the kids were watching. In that time she punched me repeatedly, told the kids they were worthless and it was their fault this was happening, told the kids she hated them, hated me, threatened to kill herself and stormed out of the house twice. She moved all of her stuff to a basement room, made sure everyone knew we were getting a divorce. The kids were terrified, and I was seconds from calling the police. Then the next day it was like nothing had happened. She apologized to me 2 days later and begged me not to leave. That's when I started reading the Eggshells book.

I just went to a counceling place today to start seeing someone for myself. I'm certain I will need to get the kids into something too, eventually.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm glad you are seeking some counseling. That is definitely a terrible experience for you and the kids to go through. I've been through it myself.

Have you thought about contacting a domestic violence center for information? They are trained to handle situations where physical violence is present in a relationship, especially when children are involved.

There is an assessment you can take to determine the level of risk in your relationship. I'm not trying to overwhelm you with information, but perhaps you can take a look when you feel up to it:


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239774.0;prev_next=next


The behaviors you describe do, indeed sound like BPD. The "perfect" child and "failure" child sounds like the "golden child" and "scapegoat"; you may see those terms in other members' posts here. We have information about that too on this site.

Again, I am glad you are seeking counseling. What are your hopes for your relationship?

Redeemed

[Bunsen48]

Wife seeking treatment on her own will never happen. She made it abundantly clear that she thinks it's foolish that I want to go see a counselor. She also said nobody could ever help her with anything. I think the only way to get her to see someone would be a suicide attempt. Not sure she would go see anyone even if we threatened to leave.

And as for the relationship? I still dearly love my wife, and I'd like to see that we could make this work. But at what costs?My first and foremost goal is that the kids are safe and taken care of. Then I'd like to not go insane. If we can keep those things together than maybe I won't need to divorce her.

[once removed]

hi Bunsen48, and

things sound really tough right now. i hear you when you say you want to make sure the kids are taken care of, and to not go insane. i think that the tools will definitely help with that.

im wondering though, how things are in times of calm (assuming that happens). are there times where you and your wife discuss your relationship, talk through things?

[Bunsen48]

In times of calm, we do okay. Like now for instance. We had a small blow up this morning over lack of communication, etc. And by blow up I mean her yelling at me and me not doing anything. But tonight it's been fine. I took on a second job because money is tight. And I just got a new project. I told her I needed to work in my basement office tonight on the project and she was good. She mentioned that if I needed her help with things tomorrow that she could do things so I have time to do this. I said sure. But I know that when tomorrow comes there will be some reason she can't help, because that always happens. In times of calm, we don't talk about our relationship per se, we just talk about everyday things. I feel like a normal couple. But I always fear that one small misstep could bring on rage. So I'm always cautious of how I address her.

The thing that gets me is the instant change in emotion. We had to take my wifes car to the mechanic, cracked Manifold, $1,000 repair, ugh. But we picked it up today. And I mentioned to the mechanic that my 14 year old truck needs a small repair and that I'd like to bring it in soon. My wife, of course said, well that'll have to wait because it's not important enough. Never is when it only affects me. But than as soon as we got home she started sending me ads for new trucks. asking me if they were what I wanted, and telling me that we should get a new one soon. There is no way we could afford one, that's why I have a 14 year old truck. I just don't get it. And it's super hard for me to get over the double standard. If I make the suggestion I'm shot down, but it's okay for her to make it.

Anyway I'm rambling, sorry. Just nice to talk to someone.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm glad you are making your children's safety a priority. And your sanity. It can definitely be overwhelming when you are in a situation like this.

I am glad you are reaching out, Bunsen. Ramble away, we're here to listen, and BPD isn't something most average people in daily life have experience with.

[No-One]

Last Rage my wife had went on for 4 hours,, while the kids were watching. In that time she punched me repeatedly, told the kids they were worthless and it was their fault this was happening, told the kids she hated them, hated me, threatened to kill herself and stormed out of the house twice.

Bunsen48:
I saw this 2nd thread you started.

For the sake of your children (and because your wife won't get any help for her mental condition), the next time she hits you and/or threatens suicide, you need to call in the authorities.  Having her put on a psych hold, might be a way to get her some help. You could, also, have her charged with domestic abuse.  Perhaps you need to inform her that it is not okay to hit you and that if it happens again, you will press charges.

If she hasn't already hit your children, I'd be concerned that it's apt to happen before long. I'm thinking your girls have to be terrified, particularly the one that is painted black.  

[once removed]

times of calm are generally the best place to try to build on the relationship, to work to get on the same page. to listen to each other.

its going to be difficult to do that with domestic violence occurring, and certainly that should be the top priority. does anyone in her family know about the violence?

[AND-01]

I guess I'm so overwhelmed I just don't know where to start...while the kids were watching. In that time she punched me repeatedly, told the kids they were worthless and it was their fault this was happening, told the kids she hated them, hated me, threatened to kill herself and stormed out of the house twice...The kids were terrified, and I was seconds from calling the police. Then the next day it was like nothing had happened. She apologized to me 2 days later and begged me not to leave. That's when I started reading the Eggshells book.

I just went to a counceling place today to start seeing someone for myself. I'm certain I will need to get the kids into something too, eventually.

Hi Bunsen,

I'm in a similar position though not quite as severe. I have two young children and am UK based (not sure where you are and what support you can get).

I think the first thing to do is what you have done in terms of counselling for yourself and take care of yourself. I did this and found it extremely helpful, just to talk and get things straight in my mind was the most useful part to then start looking at the next steps.

As a parent you need to realise that you are the protective factor for your children. This is really important because, as children, they cannot protect themselves. Telling children that you will commit suicide is a very serious issue and this can cause abandonment issues to be instilled in the children and the cycle repeats. As they are children they may not be able to verbalise the impact that this has on them and you need to be aware of a pattern of incidents that may indicate a change in behaviour. Just knowing that someone is ill may not be sufficient for them to deal with this.

I have arranged a counselling assessment for both children (though there has been resistance from my wife - I suspect that she is concerned that this will reflect on her and be a trigger). I'd recommend this as quickly as possible as they don't have the skills to process this type of behaviour.

I have also discussed the incidents with my GP (doctor) and referred the matter to social services (BPD in the UK is taken extremely seriously). This matter was registered as a level 3 (level four involves direct intervention). UK social services have been extremely helpful in offering support for myself and the whole family. I was surprised that their entire approach was one of help and support, not a knee jerk reaction to take the children or remove my wife from the household.

Having set out a plan to support the children and myself and that my wife was actively attending therapy this provides assurance that you are doing the right thing or at least working towards it and minimising damage.

I would recommend that you look at ways to remove the children from any difficult circumstances immediately. Explain that you are removing them and that you will return in an appropriate time frame to allow things to settle (I hate you, don't leave me has some useful guidance on this).

You cannot control your wife's behaviour but you can protect your children and prevent a negative impact on them for the rest of their lives.

During a good phase I explained to my wife what I would be doing in terms of protecting the children so she understood. It's still difficult to deal with situations and I catch flack for it but I can make sure the children are protected. In the long term I think that this is the best way to try to ensure that my wife and children will have an ongoing relationship.

Happy to discuss.

[Panda39]

Hi Bunson48,

I'm on these boards because my Partner has an uBPDxw and they share 2 daughters.  I wanted to jump in and let you know that we have another board where you can zero in on assisting your children.  Co-parenting both within the marriage and when divorced have many commonalities so I think the other board can be helpful to you too.  How many kids do you have?  What are their ages?  How do they cope with what is going on?

Family Law, Custody, Co-Parenting, Divorce
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

There's lots of information the link to lesson 1below is just a sample...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331289#msg1331289

Before I go, I also wanted to give you a shout out for recognizing the family issues could be difficult for the kids and second of all kudos for seeking therapy for yourself.  We use this airplane analogy all the time around here but it's worth repeating.  There is a reason that the flight attendant tells you to put your oxygen mask on first when they deploy.  Why? because you are unable to help yourself or anyone else if you are unconscious.  Therapy for yourself is just like putting that oxygen mask on.  Help yourself and you can help your children.  Therapy for your children is an awesome idea 

Hang in there, you've found a great place to get support for both your children and yourself here 

Panda39

[Bunsen48]

Thank you all for your support. I've started to see a councelor myself (one who is experienced with kids and BPD issues). I've only been 1 time, but its helping already. My goal is to go a few more times and get the kids in individually soon so they can talk some things out.

I've also started preparing for what might be the end of my 23 year marriage. I don't want to throw in the towel, but the kids and my sanity is more important than anything else.

I've set some limits, and I'm starting to see the triggers and the traps that my wife sets for me, trying to pull me into stupid fights. I guess all this just takes time to recognize and avoid, and learning how to respond so I don't fall in a trap.

Anyway. Thanks.

[Panda39]

I've set some limits, and I'm starting to see the triggers and the traps that my wife sets for me, trying to pull me into stupid fights. I guess all this just takes time to recognize and avoid, and learning how to respond so I don't fall in a trap.

  Yay! Keeps those appointments going.

Sometimes too, it's learning about when you don't need to respond.  Sometimes "no" just means "no".  Sometimes responding can escalate an argument. 

Avoiding JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend Explain)...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Panda39

[AND-01]

There's a book from a UK site that has been designed to help tell 4 - 12 year olds about mental illness. I've just ordered a copy and will let you know what it is like. Not sure if you can order round the world but it's called "The Wise Mouse" by youngminds.org.uk and was recommended by our Mental Health Services.

[once removed]

I've set some limits, and I'm starting to see the triggers and the traps that my wife sets for me, trying to pull me into stupid fights. I guess all this just takes time to recognize and avoid, and learning how to respond so I don't fall in a trap.

can you give some examples?

[No-One]

I've started to see a councelor myself (one who is experienced with kids and BPD issues). I've only been 1 time, but its helping already. My goal is to go a few more times and get the kids in individually soon so they can talk some things out.

Good to hear that you are seeking therapy for yourself and have plans to get your children into some therapy.

Thought I'd share the website below.  There are several free worksheets and tutorials available.  You may have to sign on as a customer to print some worksheets.  It's an interesting website and you can sort by children, teenagers or adults.  They have some games that can help teach about emotions and psychological strategy, etc.:
https://www.therapistaid.com/