i keep asking what happened in my head

[frankofwgkta]

today is day 10 since she left, it's crazy how much progress i've done since she left. i understand i was a broken person when it happened i can remember her coming home then telling me she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or be with women. i knew and felt like she was going to leave one day but i never knew it would be so soon. i keep replaying that day in my head , i don't do it on purpose but i remember she was crying and telling me she loves me more than anything in the world but she feels like she found her self and realized all that about an hour ago. she gave me the promise ring back. she packed her stuff and to make things worse i had to drive or well she drove all the way back to her parents. so we just broke up and i have to do this hurtful drive to leave her and drive back home alone. the thing that hurts is that i keep words she told me and i can't let them go. she told me she doesn't want to make a mistake and leave. because i've been her best boyfriend shes ever had because of all her abusive and toxic relationships in the past. she saw a future but again she is dealing with her identity. she told me she doesn't want to lose her best friend or lose me from her life. what hurts the most is that even when i was crying in the car she was singing, holding my hand, kissing my hand and telling me i love you. i regret not taking her suggestion on us going to get food so we can hang out more. but i was so angry and hurt that shes leaving i didn't want to see her. she only shed a tear once but thats it. what makes all this harder on my self is that i start thinking stupid stuff, about a month ago we were going to take her birthcontrol of so we could concieve a baby. and 2 days after she told me she wanted to she made an apointment but i freaked out due to money not the baby. i think about what if i didn't say anything we could of had a kid together. today is the day we agreed to take the birth control out so we could try but shes gone. we were going to move in in august, we had so much planned out. she would always tell me we are basically married. even as stupid as that sounds that makes me so happy. i'm afraid she's going to forget me, i know ineed to move on but i'm feeling so lonely. and i hate when i have the thoughts that i wish i never met her. i can't look at anyone with out thinking my ex is prettyer , funny, or hot or whatever. i always wonder if she thinks of me. i'm so alone i don't have anyone, i live in another city away from family and because i met her so soon after i moved i spend 7 month with just her. why could this of worked i really thought that she was the one and i was her soul mate, as she told me,  you are my me. she blocked me on everything and i know her number but i dont wanna contact her because i know she wouldn't answer and she would get pissed but also it would mess up my progress. i have episodes of just wanted to beg her back but thats not right. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! why is this break up so hurtful! why can't i just get over her! i gave her so much of my time. and right now shes not even talking or dating girls. shes dating guys and girls now. did she ever really love me? why did i go back with her last time. i knew the day i saw after our last break up that she seems different and shes not the same girl. she cheated, lied, talked to others while she was with me. am i stupid for staying in that relationship so long! even though we are done i still want her back.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi frankofwgkta,

I am so sorry you are going through such a painful time. It is very difficult when the wound of someone breaking up with you is very fresh. All of these emotions you are having are part of the natural process. Many other members here have experienced very similar circumstances.

It sounds like your gf is a very impulsive person who is struggling with identity and what she really wants. These are common traits for people with BPD (pwBPD). BPD relationships tend to be very intense, and if the BPD partner leaves it can send the non-disordered partner reeling with confusion and hurt.

I found an article about how BPD relationships evolve and what happens to us after a breakup. It includes 10 types of beliefs that can get you stuck. I wonder if you feel up to it if you could take a look and see if any of it resonates with you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

It may also help you to read and respond to some of the other members' posts here. I think if you do, you will quickly find that you are not alone, and others are struggling or have struggled in much the same way. But there is hope, and though it does take time, healing and moving on from this is possible.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[frankofwgkta]

yes thank you so much, being on this site helps me ground my self when i'm feeling down. i guess the sense of loneliness is really strong right now. it's really fresh. the only thing that gets to me is that i get annoyed at my self because i feel like i should of started to move on more by now especially everything she has done to me. i feel like if i keep acting or saying that a huge part of her leaving me is because of her BPD. i feel like i'm giving her more power over my life.

[I Am Redeemed]

Be gentle with yourself. Just because someone hurts us doesn't mean that our feelings for them just disappear. Break ups like these are hard.

I separated from my uBPDh (undiagnosed BPD husband) in November of 2017. We had been together seven years, and he was incredibly abusive towards me. However, I have only recently (in the past six months) moved from the all-consuming, pervasive sadness to a place of acceptance and peace. Still, the sadness surfaces sometimes, but I can now acknowledge it and let it go.

It's a process. Don't beat yourself up for not instantaneously "getting over this". It will come, and it's OK to have all sorts of up and down feelings for a while.

Redeemed

[frankofwgkta]

thank you so much, i know it all takes time. i guess my problem is i'm not patient and i wish i could be in the phase where i'm a 100 acceptive that this relationship is over. i keep thinking of her all the time. i think of the sex, the times we cuddled, the times we spoke on the phone for hours for those rare moments she stayed alone at her parents. i miss her family and dogs. i know that there was a lot of abuse in the relationship and that i'm just holding on to the good memories. but thinking of the bad doesn't help me