I am in grief; the experience of my first grandchild has been ruined by DIL.

[Cherry2019]

Hello,

My daughter in law does not have a diagnosis but there are some serious mental health issues going on with her. I am not sure if she completely fits into the BPD category but she definitely has a fair few of the traits. I am actually worried it is more of a anti-social personality disorder or psychopathy.

Since the moment she became pregnant she has targetted me, my grand daughter is 1 now and at this point I feel almost as though I am in grief because the experience of my first grandchild has been ruined, the relationship I always imagined with a grandchild is not being established because of my DIL behaviours.

My son up to this point vaccilates between telling her to stop treating me (and our family so terribly), splitting up with her due to something she has done, eg been violent to my son, or other members of my family, but he also then worries about losing his daughter so takes her back and placates her.

I am so concerned for my son, every person close to us, recognises he is in an abusive relationship.

It is a very difficult position to be in, there are so many dynamics at play and I feel that I am being broken down. I feel so worn out from the emotional roller coaster this last few years has been trying to deal with this situation. It is like being tortured.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Cherry, I am happy to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. It is so hard to see our children suffer in abusive relationships. My son has BPD and relationships are a challenge for him to say the least. It must be horrible to be cut out of your grandchild's life as well. A number of members of this group are on similar situations. The good news is there is reason for hope. Things CAN get better.  You have taken a huge big step in reaching out for help and you have come to the right place to get it. You say you feel tortured. I can totally relate. That is how I felt at first. What helped me was two things; 1. learning about BPD and how to relate to  people who have it by reading books and articles and watching videos. The materials on this website are excellent. A good place to start is here: HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE. Self care. You can't control your daughter in law but you can decide to take care of your own needs and make your own life better by going to therapy, taking "me" time to do what you love, yoga, meditation, or whatever grounds you and helps you to not get caught up in the drama. Do you have a self care plan?

[Only Human]

Hi Cherry

I join Faith in welcoming you to  bpdfamily, and echo what she says, there is reason for hope and things CAN get better. I'm glad you found us - we are all learning together how to better relate to a pwBPD (person with BPD) to preserve and improve our relationships with our loved ones.

Faith has shared a great link to get you started, it has many of our best articles and links to many more. It can be overwhelming, so just take it at your own pace and post any questions/thoughts here. We want to help.

It's not uncommon for a spouse of someone with a personality disorder, be it BPD, ASPD, or psychopathy, to vacillate. As you can imagine, there are many things at play in the relationship. I'm so sorry to hear your DIL (daughter-in-law) has been violent toward your son and other members of your family - I can only imagine how concerned you are for him and your GD (grand-daughter) Has any of the abuse been reported to authorities?

As Faith says, practicing acts of self-care is really important when dealing with a person with a PD (personality disorder) and it's really great you reached out for support. We get it better than anyone else can, you are not alone.

Can you elaborate on how you feel like you're being broken down? Is it something specific your DIL or son are doing?

I hope you'll stick around and become part of the family here, experts agree a strong support system is vital, and  bpdfamily is definitely supportive.

When you feel comfortable, please share more of your experiences. It helps us to get a broader picture so we know how to best support you.

Again, welcome!

~ OH

[Cherry2019]

Thanks for the replies Faith and OH - I didn't know what to press for individual replies so hope this gets to you both.

Faith, I will definitely read the material you suggested. Self care is a difficult one but will work on it and I suppose by connecting to this forum I am taking a step towards it.

OH, the physical abuse incident (that I know of) occurred at a family funeral. My daughter in law (DIL) became intoxicated and my daughter and son (her partner) tried to stop her from driving with the baby. I was not at this incident but apparently there were over 40 witnesses, she was totally out of control, making wild accusations against people, blaming me for her behaviour (ermm?), and punched my daughter in the head multiple times and my son in the nose and made it bleed, all while flinging the 8 month old baby on her hip. Police were called and were trying to get my son to charge her but he refused and said he fell over. My daughter took his lead and also did not press charges. My DIL then drove off with the baby. So I do not know if the police keep records of these types of situations where someone is not charged.

Broken down, this was my first grandchild, I had one of the most beautiful relationships in my life with my nanna, every cell of my being wanted this to be true of my grandchildren and me. Yet, as I said, up until the moment she became pregnant, she was so friendly and lovely to me, as soon as she found out she was pregnant that all changed, it was though she didn't need me anymore - (I had been very supportive of them starting a family, I felt like she had used me to sure up her chances with my son regarding children - once she didn't need that, I was wiped, this is how insane it got).

She will do and say things purposefully to hurt me and have this strange look of satisfaction (smirk)on her face while doing it. I went to see the baby after she was born and she would turn a way that i couldn't see her, she still does this today. She does strange things like won't allow the baby to have a favourite toy, she wont allow any other bonding other than with her, yet at the same time complains about the babies reliance on her. She calls the baby names that no child should hear and recounts stories how she pays her nephew money to say bad words and she is only sharing this fact to torment me and worry me about my grandchilds upbringing. She answers my sons phones and reads all our messages to the point I don't know who I am talking to when I text. She won't allow my son any sense of stability in any way, physically, emotionally or mentally and constantly degrades him to his face and behind his back. She spends money friviously. She treats the baby like she owns her rather than loves her and I know how that sounds but I don't know any other way of saying it. She has no concept of the age of the baby and attributes adult characteristics and maturities to the baby. She actually tried to give the baby solid food well before she was developmentally mature enough.  She won't allow the baby to explore but does everything for her, example - if the baby is looking into a box of toys and goes to reach for one, my DIL will then take all the toys out herself. It is just this sense of having to control every situation. I will be holding the baby on my hip pointing at things and saying their names and she will take the baby off me and place her in a playpen. She has to interrupt any kind of bonding time and she doesn't do this to just me but to my son as well.  Her history is one of violence, burning bridges and not being able to stay in one place for any length of time. On the day my son purchased his house and was moving, we were literally packing up the moving truck to take things to his new house, DIL makes an announcement they are moving. She couldn't even allow him to be happy about buying his first home. She makes these bizarre claims about the health of the baby yet acts contrary to her health. Everything that comes out of her mouth is part of some calculation or agenda. If she asks you questions it is for some purpose or to gather data and twist it. Yet at the same time, she makes you feel comfortable somehow to think she is being ok and things have changed. So it is that sense that everything is ok and relaxing and letting your guard down then realising it is not that is the eroding factor and also the emotional see-sawing as my natural need to bond with my grand child keeps being thwarted.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so sorry this is happening to you Cherry. PwBPD (people with BPD) often lash out at others when the pain they feel gets too bad and sadly that includes sometimes lashing out at their own small children and  preventing grandparents from having relationships with them. Several people in this group are in the same situation you are and will probably have great advice for you. Lollipop has also given you great words of wisdom. You can't change your DIL (daughter in law) but you can change the way you relate to her and that can help a lot. Don't give up on either your DIL or your GD (granddaughter) Keep posting here. Keep learning about BPD. Keep taking care of yourself. Things CAN get better.

[Only Human]

I didn't know what to press for individual replies so hope this gets to you both.

You're doing just fine here, Cherry and responding as you have done is the way it's done 

Self care is a difficult one but will work on it and I suppose by connecting to this forum I am taking a step towards it.

Most definitely to both! It's not easy for many of us to put ourselves first, especially those of us who are caretakers by nature. But it is oh-so important, critical. Remember flying in a plane and being told, "Put your own oxygen mask on first"? It is the same here, we must save ourselves first.

Joining us here, sharing your struggles, looking for answers, are great ways to take care of yourself. You will find the members here very supportive, caring, and non-judgmental. We have all "been there, done that," and can understand your pain better than anyone else can. I'm glad you reached out, that you came back to read the replies, and that you are engaging with us. Sometimes, just getting it out what's been going on can help. And you've been through so much, it's no wonder you are grieving.

My daughter in law (DIL) became intoxicated and my daughter and son (her partner) tried to stop her from driving with the baby.
[...]she was totally out of control, making wild accusations against people, blaming me for her behaviour (ermm?), and punched my daughter in the head multiple times and my son in the nose and made it bleed, all while flinging the 8 month old baby on her hip. Police were called and were trying to get my son to charge her but he refused and said he fell over. My daughter took his lead and also did not press charges. My DIL then drove off with the baby.

It's likely the police made an incident report, rather than an official police report, since they didn't charge your DIL. It doesn't surprise me that your son and daughter covered up the abuse, it's not uncommon in domestic violence situations, though it's a shame your DIL didn't suffer some consequences of her terrible behavior. I'm glad she arrived safely, wherever she was going, with your GD.

I had one of the most beautiful relationships in my life with my nanna, every cell of my being wanted this to be true of my grandchildren and me.

It's lovely that you enjoyed such a strong relationship with your nanna and understandable that you would want this with your own GC, you know how great it was to have your nanna. I'm so sorry your DIL is getting in the way of your relationship with your son and GD. What you've described sounds very draining to you all. To feel so used, then discarded, is devastating, I'm sure.

She will do and say things purposefully to hurt me and have this strange look of satisfaction (smirk)on her face while doing it.

I can only imagine how upsetting this is, Cherry. It really sounds like you could use some tools to help you cope with these incidents. Do you have any support in real life? A therapist of your own? Many of us here benefit greatly by working with a therapist who specializes in BPD (or personality disorders, in general).

She treats the baby like she owns her rather than loves her and I know how that sounds but I don't know any other way of saying it.

You've done a great job describing it, Cherry, I know exactly what you mean. It's heartbreaking to witness a mother treating her child as a piece of property, though not uncommon with mothers with BPD. The things you've described in your post are not the acts of a loving, nurturing mother.

Unfortunately, like myself, you have very few options when it comes to protecting your GD. For me, learning how to relate differently to my DD25 has strengthened my relationship with her and has afforded me the opportunity to be a constant presence in the life of my GS4. Someone once told me here that having just one positive, validating adult in a child's life can help to offset some of the damage done.

I encourage you to read all you can about BPD, learn some tools that will help you stop the cycle of conflict, and keep coming here to talk about it.

It sounds like you've got a good grasp on your DIL's "ways," for example you understand that when she is posing as someone who is "being okay," you are more likely to answer her questions with your guard down, only to have that information be twisted/used against you. Learning to communicate and protect yourself from this will be helpful. We have lots of tools here to help with that.

Can you give an example of something that you shared that was twisted?

It sounds like short visits for a while, light and breezy, with no expectations that you will be able to form any significant bond with your GD at the moment, would be helpful in keeping in contact with your son and GD. Then you can come here and vent about it, get some feedback, and get geared up for the next time. What do you think?

~ OH

[Only Human]

Hello again,

I found this article that you might find helpful in understanding some of what your son may be dealing with in his relationship with your DIL. You may even find that it describes some aspects of your relationship with her.

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

Here's an excerpt:

A common and very confusing failure pattern of relationship instability is described in this article. A relationship can present with this characteristic failure pattern over time. This pattern may take months or even years to evolve. The phases are typically not completely successive -- there are typically cycles of forward and backward movement between phases.

~ OH

[Panshekay]

Hello Cherry, I’m very happy you found BPD Family, it has certainly been a life saver for our family. I hope you find peace in knowing you are not alone. Many of us here including myself have been through this or are in the middle of going through this. There are a lot of great people here who have given me lots of encouragement. It’s a difficult situation to be in.

 My story is very complicated and long, I know there is a way to find it on here, but I’m not tech savvy. Haha. What I can say is always leave the door of communication open with your son. I am very close to all my children, but our ex DIL DBPD  alienated our son and SGD and GS from us.  I had no idea of the hell he was truly going through because one day she said they were moving and 2 weeks later they moved 180 miles from us.

Our GS at the time was 7 months old, our SGD 5. I was devastated.  They are now 8 and 13. Are you close to your Son?  Does he realize there are mental issues with your DIL?   Read everything you can here. Hang on and know you are not alone. We all are here for you.

[rolney]

Hi Cherry, I dont have any clever advice for you but wanted to reach out to you in your pain as I know something of that pain. My daughter is also keeping our grandchildren away at the moment and I worry every day what they are being told. I see her 11 yearold "manage" her mum so she doesn't "get angry"...and this is a huge worry for myself and my husband. But that said, we have not endured what you are describing and I cannot imagine how you get through the day with the worry you have. It's great that you have reached out to this site. For me, I have to make sure I don't become enmeshed in the stories I am telling myself about what is going on when we can't see the grandchildren. I have to keep checking in with myself and stop my head ruminating. I'm fortunate to have been accepted on a Family Connections programme in my city (see if there are any close to you) and it's been very helpful to be in a room with people who fully understand and accept when I discuss the latest crazy thing she's done.  My fabulous friends are very supportive but they dont understand living with a BPD and I dont always want my friendships to be focused on my latest drama with my child. I also dont want to be defined by that drama so I try to focus on all the great things in my life, most importantly, on my beautiful son, DIL and grandchild that I have the relationship with we all dreamed about.  So give yourself permission to step back for a while and get strong. Learn what you can, spend time in the joyful things in your life. Big hugs to you!