Haven't been in this position in a while Part 2

[formflier]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335849.0;all

Yeah...I suspect we'll get somewhere good on this and I suspect there will be nice looking shelves in there sooner that I imagine.

I continue to be amazed that people can appear thoughtful...give you their word and then ..."poof"...

Changes, prototypes and oopsies happen all the time in building industry...the thing is you can usually ask a builder person what they intended...what they got...and then figure out the "fix".  

I mean..it's not so hard (yet I know it is for some)

Switching gears...this is my first time ever trying a "recirculation pump" for hot water.  It appears that it's plumbed incorrectly/inadequately for our favorite tub, which oddly enough was the point of getting unlimited hot water..well..one of the points.

There are also issues with wifi control...new box coming on Tues/Wed.  It will all get worked out..I'm sure.

Never once crossed my mind to threaten divorce over it... (I know..I know...just sayin...)

Sigh

FF

[Red5]

Formflier... no!

Not you ; (

I’m late to the thread, reading down through it all...

Listen Brother... not going to crowd in here, just know... that you and Mrs Formflier and your family are at the top of my prayer list starting right now!

You got this... she is just “venting fuel”... hang in there Brother.

Prayers and support!

Red5

[Cole]

And while your focus is on the best way to put up shelving, IMHO the argument isn't about the shelf at all but the control and precision differences between the two of you.

You tend to be a precise kind of guy. That's good for the kind of work you are trained to do. People's lives depended on you. Precision is essential.

Not every outcome is a situation of saving lives and doesn't require this level of control or precision.

Darn good observation, Notwendy.

Like FF, I have to have every detail figured out before proceeding. I am thinking about feasibility, effectiveness, and efficiency and extrapolating how today's actions may affect tomorrow.

Mrs. Cole can only see the vision of the end result in her head. The factors of how we get there and how it affects tomorrow are not on her radar. On the upside, she can dream up creative ideas that I cannot. FF, is it fair to say Mrs. FF thinks this same way?

This is a basic difference between dreamers and doers, women and men, engineers and artists. The two can usually come to a compromise wherein each contributes their expertise. But if one of the parties is a pwBPD, expect trouble as that any resistance to doing it 100% their way will be seen as rejection of them, not the idea.

The option of letting them do it all their way then biting our lip to avoid saying, "told you so" is less than optimal. But after messing up a few times and realizing there is a middle ground, they learn to listen and meet us half way. At least that has been my experience with Mrs. Cole.

[formflier]

I really hope I can sleep tonight...I'm in pretty bad shape right now.

She was pleasant...tried to talk about what she wanted...but it came out as she wants it exactly like the picture except for and then I couldn't keep up with all the things that would be the same but totally different.

She's yawning the entire time too...I asked that we talk in the morning...she really didn't say anything.

FF

[Notwendy]

I hope you get some rest too.

IMHO, these conflicts are not usually about the topic at hand but some underlying emotion behind them.

We are probably having the same disagreement over a variety of things. What color paint isn't about the paint, but about control. Underlying most of our disagreements seems to be a fear I will leave him. It comes out when I express my  own individuality- I like this paint color, I want to visit a certain place that he doesn't. I want to pursue this interest- basically- I am not the same person as you are. And that's OK. No two people are alike. But this may not feel OK to people with poor boundaries.

I think in many of these relationships, the boundaries between people are fuzzy and if one of them expresses a difference, it feels threatening to the other person. So the argument can be about paint color, shelving, but it often isn't really about the topic at hand. Since it isn't about the topic, a solution for the topic isn't really a solution and that makes it hard to come up with a solution.

[snowglobe]

Ff, I’m sorry you’ve been exposed to the “divorce card”, it’s certainly been a while. Works in the same manner a blackmail does, it undermines the trust which in turn corrodes the relationships. It seems your wife’s insecure attachment is motivating her to “test you and the limits”. If you love me, you will do abc so I don't divorce you. Even a typical and secure individual would feel perplexed, confused and angry. In today’s day and time when people marry each other mostly for love, not in the name of keeping traditions going, families intact, financial resources to protect. Partners expect from each other something that an entire village used to provide. Give me comfort, give me security, give me spontaneity, give me passion, as with BPD person, they also demand control and compliance. Perhaps she came from a family that never valued her opinion and she never had control over her environment. The question is, how do you define your marriage? Can a divorce threat affect how you view/see it? For me personally, as you know, the divorce threat is a whiplash that my uBPDh uses to put me in check. The reaction is so autonomic that I can hardly control it. Good for you for not baiting, let’s see when the poof will come “did I say it? I didn’t mean it”

[snowglobe]

I was also wondering, in your opinion, what should be the consequences of such “divorce” threat? It can be ignored, but over time, frequent threats corrode the relationships. For myself, I’d like to choose and stick to healthy boundary/consequences of such transgression. In those moments I’m fearful, that if I got into a bad accident, my uBPDh would not even give me a minute to recover. He would pull the plug on life support without thinking twice

[formflier]

I feel much better this morning.

Spent several hours snuggling..did some talking and tried to bring my "a game" to do my risk management...yet leave her with control and responsibility for the pantry.

The way I framed it was that I would "get in there first thing" and "handle the electric" and some other mechanical things that needed to happen so I could "be out of her way" so she could do her thing.

Also talked about spackling and wall finish, so it would look good and would be easier to do before shelves.

Frankly...I have no idea how she is going to do this, she seems fine with a "bubble" around the water heater.  I hope it works.

Big picture:  Last night she seemed calmer and I could tell there was lots of relaxing..."exhaling" going on this morning during snuggling.  Right now she seems pretty neutral to positive.

I've not mentioned the threats..don't plan to.

FF