Thinking about moving on

[clvrnn]

I feel like I might have to start trying to work forwards from my relationship, so here I am.

Known her for two years, before we dated she'd always push/pull, and it just got worse when we started dating. Has broken up with me twice, now. Each time comes after we start getting really close, and weirdly after she keeps letting me spend time with her family. A few days later she creates conflict, and breaks up with me.

Each time she does this, she tells me she wants to be friends - she wants an instant transition into a platonic friendship. This is not possible for me - as she knows, because we discussed it a few times when we were dating, and I'd told her I'd have to take a step back to heal. She always seemed to find that approach 'immature', and would always tell me that she didn't want to lose our friendship if there was no romantic involvement, and wanted us to remain as close as we were while dating.

I found that strange, if I'm honest. It's like she was desperate to keep me around but not have to deal with the romantic side of things, I don't know.

Anyway, she breaks up with me, says she wants to be friends. She IMMEDIATELY tries to be friends with me, and this is always difficult for me. I then (as expected) might talk about my feelings; she gets angry, we argue. She goes silent, often after giving me a vague "we'll sort this out eventually" type message. When I try and reach out to finally sort things out or try and move forward with a friendship, there is often silence which lasts for weeks.

So I'm in this position again now, and I'd considered reaching out again, but the pain of being ignored is too much. So perhaps it's time to think about moving on, in case this is final and she doesn't come back.

[frankofwgkta]

damn, i feel you man. what's crazy is that we are in the same boat man. difference is that i was such a mess when she left that i told her no about the friend option. she told me the same thing that she doesn't want to lose me and wants me as a friend. for us this time apart from them is so hurtful that we need to heal in our own ways. but hey if you trully want to be her friend just fully heal your self first. deal with things you've figured out that was wrong during the relationship or anything you are dealing with and if you trully believe that if she wants to come back while you guys are friends, is that you can say no. until, then keep away. because to be honest if i was her friend or was her friend before i heal my self. i would hurt my self more and more because i would be able to kiss or hold her and other things. it's better for us to move on first. maybe later you'll realize that you don't need her a friend!

[clvrnn]

Hey Frank,

Yeah, I don't know. We've never been 'just' friends, so I don't know how that would even work. I don't know why she keeps suggesting it, and saying things like "we work better as friends" - we've never been friends, so where is she getting that from?

Starting to think maybe she just wants to be around me without all the difficult things she feels, romantically. I don't know. At this stage I don't even know how she feels or what she is thinking about me. She could have met someone else, by now. It's strange that I have no knowledge of what she's doing, where she is, nothing. I am completely disconnected from her life.

From what I really know about her, it feels like maybe it would be unlikely for her to be involved with someone else, though. She says that she can't handle romantic involvements and just wants friends, and is fed up with people always 'wanting' her, and, I mean, judging from the intense ways she push/pulls me and has been doing for two years, it's clear she can't really handle intimacy.

I remember lying in bed with her and cuddling, and she kept telling me, "this is a lot for me, you know", meaning the intimacy between us.

I sometimes wish that she's going to come back. I want it more than anything, sometimes. But I can't control her. And she'll just keep doing this.

Sometimes I feel stupid for still thinking about all of this so much - and I wonder if anything she was feeling was even real. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe that's why she isn't responding, because she just doesn't care, anymore. Maybe I just need to "get over it".

[clvrnn]

Well, it looks like I'm going to be posting often!

I've never told anyone this, but there's a behaviour I do when I start missing her and it's really a habit I picked up from the first time she broke up with me. There are several things of hers that I can look at to gauge whether she's in the company of people or at home alone - she doesn't use her phone at all when in someone's company, and there's a specific thing she uses at home, only.

If she's active on all of these things, I assume she's not with anyone. If her activity stops, it makes me anxious, because she could be around someone. I feel a sense of reassurance when she's active, but when she isn't, I panic.

She hasn't been active at all today, and that's just led to me feeling terrible. I recognise that this is a self-inflicted sadness, but I do this in some way to keep the connection alive, or something. I have tried to stop - even downloading a chip counter for alcoholics on my phone, and I could only last a day.

Anyway, now I'm convinced that she is spending the night with someone else, because she hasn't been active. I feel a great sense of shame admitting this, but I figured I might as well be truly open and honest about my recovery from this relationship and these habits.

If she has met someone else, there's nothing I can do. I suppose it kills the chances of her returning, and maybe ensures that she isn't thinking about me anymore.

I don't really know why I'm writing any of this. I don't really know what to do or where to go from here.

[frankofwgkta]

hey man post as much as you need! i check these posts and mine almost every other hour so you will always be heard and have support from us! you are not alone. i did the same thing the for the first couple of days after the break up i would check if shes active and wonder what is she doing. i knew that after 3 if shes active more often she is at home not doing anything but it kept hurting my self because i would go into my head and ask why hasn't she contact me. well the thing is that we justify what we do even though we know how bad is it that we are doing. the good thing is that she blocked me on everything so i can see her FB, snapchats, or instagram any more so even though she blocked me it's a blessing in disguise because i would of kept hurting myself. now for me i still check her twitter but she rarely uses it. i always get images of her being with other people and yea it does hurt because we both know that we want them with us and wish everything is ok. but you have to realize that most of the time they do this is because they feel more lonely than what we are. they're filling a void. and soonner or later we will stop wondering. i'm frustrated because i want her out of my head this is not healthy but we will get through this!

[clvrnn]

Really struggling, today. I feel (although this is just a gut feeling) that she has met someone else, and has devalued me permanently. I don't really know what to do, or where to turn from here. I tried contact a week ago, and nothing.

[frankofwgkta]

man same here! these last two days i've been thinking and feeling the same way! i get nauseous thinking that she's talking to someone else the same way she used to talk to me. or even imagining that shes having relations with someone already! that pisses me off. but don't worry man there really isn't anything to stop the feeling but you can just think about it and try to tell your self to let it go.

[Lucky Jim]

So I'm in this position again now, and I'd considered reaching out again, but the pain of being ignored is too much. So perhaps it's time to think about moving on, in case this is final and she doesn't come back.

Hey clvrnn, What do you want to see happen?  It's not up to her, my friend.  You're the Captain of your ship, right?  Do you want to recycle or move on?  Lots of us have done both, including me.

LuckyJim

[clvrnn]

Hey clvrnn, What do you want to see happen?  It's not up to her, my friend.  You're the Captain of your ship, right?  Do you want to recycle or move on?  Lots of us have done both, including me.

LuckyJim

I am indeed the Captain of my ship (great analogy!) - On this occasion, though... I think that the decision has already been made for me. Even if I want a recycle, it doesn't seem to be an option.

[Lucky Jim]

If she's active on all of these things, I assume she's not with anyone. If her activity stops, it makes me anxious, because she could be around someone. I feel a sense of reassurance when she's active, but when she isn't, I panic.

Hey clvrnn, This strikes me as an unhealthy practice, because you are linking your happiness, or calmness, to something - her activity on the net - over which you have no control.  It's bound to lead to anxiety, as you have noted.  Maybe you could give up this behavior for a period of time - say, 30 days - to see if it makes a difference?  You're projecting a lot here about her social life which may or may not be accurate.

LJ

[Mindfried]

Is your life better with her? As much as you miss her do you think in the long run you are better off without her? Do you want to be in a relationship with constant break-ups? Do you walk on eggshells and worry?

It is so hard to let go but if you can ultimately break the bond life is so much better.

Constant monitoring of her will only keep you stuck in the mud and keep setting back any progress you make.

[clvrnn]

Is your life better with her? As much as you miss her do you think in the long run you are better off without her? Do you want to be in a relationship with constant break-ups? Do you walk on eggshells and worry?

My life was perhaps not 'better', but it was certainly calmer and not as full of anxiety as it has been since I've known her. Even way back when we started talking last year, I was constantly trying to understand these push/pulls that she would do. I remember that it was so stressful and anxiety inducing, trying to predict if she would talk to me or not. I was forever trying to analyse things I'd said, to see if I'd said something "wrong".

I had another relationship before this which lasted 2.5 years; she would repeatedly break up with me and come back, and it left me a complete wreck. So no, in retrospect looking at that and this situation, and how these mere two separations have left me feeling, I might want her company but my mental, spiritual and emotional health can't deal with it on a long term basis.

I am always walking on eggshells around her, I find that a lot of the time I wouldn't say how I was really feeling - this would then cause her to get angry, despite the fact that I was actually holding back because sometimes her reactions would be dismissive or reductive. A few times I remember talking about how I was feeling and she'd either tell me I was annoying or boring, or write "hahahaha I can't deal with that".

Other times I was getting criticised for my "poor taste" in things or my habits were commented on in a very snide, sarcastic way - I was often unable to tell if she was joking or not. My facial expressions were commented on so often that I developed a habit of forcing my face into an unnatural half-smile when I was around her and her family, just so that I couldn't be accused of being "miserable".

It is so hard to let go but if you can ultimately break the bond life is so much better.

Constant monitoring of her will only keep you stuck in the mud and keep setting back any progress you make.

It is proving very hard. I felt at times that she would act like I was "The One" or that her feelings for me were getting stronger, and that we were making progress, only to have a sudden break up and be thrown into silence, without knowing the actual reason for the silence. I respect that break ups often come with distancing, but the way this distancing is being executed feels confusing, especially with no preceding comment on what's happening next, and when things seemed to be going so well between us.

I am going to stop looking at her things. I've written it here so I'm holding myself accountable. It is keeping me stuck, and causing a lot of pain.