The importance of celebration

[FaithHopeLove]

Lately I have been thinking about the importance of celebration in our lives. This past year was particularly hard for my H and me. He suffered through cancer surgery with complications. At the same time my son had to be hospitalized for self harm and was diagnosed with BPD. It felt like my family was falling apart
 At times it felt like I was falling apart. In many ways I did fall apart. Now I am regrouping and recentering
  I come away from this time with a keen sense of mortality. DH recovered from cancer and is healthy for now but we are both in our 60s and not likely to live forever. So enjoying our time together NOW counts.
I have grieved over the loss of the son I thought I had and come to accept the amazing person he really is. I have (mostly) stopped grasping at future expectations and past.regrets about his life. He is making his own choices. His father and I have done the best we can do, while we will always love our children,
it is time for us to get on with our own life as a couple. For us that means travel which means, instead of our usual of going out to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant we just booked a trip to Mexico for our anniversary. We know the road ahead may be rocky for our family but we have come this far and so we celebrate. Things need not be perfect or even close to it in order for there to be something to celebrate. What do you have to celebrate? How are you doing it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

I agree 100%! So many of my plans have been derailed by my DD25's disorder. I truly felt like I was trapped at home just in case something happened. I don't do that anymore. I have several "standing dates" with friends and, unless something comes up related to MY schedule, I keep those dates. I no longer feel obligated to cancel plans because DD is having a rough time.

The opportunity to cancel plans came about this weekend. On Thursday, DD shared with me some of what she's been going through in her online activities (drama with other members, fear that one member is out to destroy her online reputation, etc.) and told me the weekends are the worst with so many people logged in and the fact that the app community thrives on drama. She shared that she planned to take a break from the app this weekend and has asked her BF to support her by planning outings. I told her, "You've come up with ways to deal with this, outings and taking a break, sounds like you're on top of it. I'm so proud of you and am here to support those efforts." She responded, "Great, I'd like to sew every night with you, that will help keep me occupied." I said, "I'd love that! Yes! However, as you know, on Saturday nights I hang with my BFF, so we can sew Friday and Sunday for sure."

I felt a bit of anxiety leaving her Saturday night but didn't entertain the thought of canceling my plans. As I was leaving for the evening, she asked, "Where do you think I can go to get cheap beads? The big ones?" (She's gotten into making hemp jewelry) I suggested downloading the JoAnn app for 50% off coupons. She then said, "I'm a bit anxious about tonight. You're going out, BF has to go to work, and I'll be here alone. So I figure I'll make some jewelry. It can take a couple of hours to make one necklace so that'll be good."

As you say, Faith, we've done the best we could with our children and we must live our lives the best we can, while we can. I often wonder if I'm being silly keeping these standing dates as sacred as I do. After all, they're nothing "special." Dinner with alternating friends every Tuesday, dinner every Thursday and Karaoke every Saturday night with my BFF. Nothing spectacular but I am nurturing my relationships and not isolating, which I have done so often while DD was growing up.

So, what am I celebrating? I'm celebrating my growth, my ability to let go, and the fact that DD and I have a much better relationship than we did when I got here last year. 

I love that you turned your love for Mexican food into a trip to Mexico and that you and H are going for it. You've done a great job supporting your DS and also letting go, taking care of yourself and your relationship with H.   Surviving cancer is definitely a cause for great celebration and a trip is a splendid way to do that!

~ OH

[Huat]

Hello FaithHopeLove.

Wonderful thread to start and wise words written by you and more followed by OnlyHuman.

I think it is so important for others here, especially Newbies, to know that, once logged onto the BPD Family site, they can click on a person's moniker and look at members' past posts...posts from their Day 1's...see where they were then...see where they are now.  Sometimes big, big differences.

In your first posts, FHLKC, your hurt was so obvious as you wrote..."I am looking for hope"...then asked..."Is there any hope for my family?"  Now you write about being able to celebrate your life.  It is you who has changed, not your troubled son.  With that said, your new attitude might just bring about some positive change in him...a break in the cycle might have been what was needed. 

None of what you write leads me to believe that you have given up on your son.  As you wrote, you have done the best you could have done...and as a loving Mom, I have no doubt that you are going to continue to do so.  You and your husband are now just claiming that part of the pie that rightfully belongs to the two of you.

I relate to you in that I, too, am one of the older Moms participating in/on this forum.  In recent years my husband has had a couple of battles with cancer.  (When that "C" word comes in a diagnosis, it certainly is an attention-getter, isn't it?  Kind of puts things into perspective.)  Thankfully, all appears to be well with him now.

While I certainly hope that the relationship with our daughter heals at some point in time (sigh!), I am learning how to get on with life and go with the flow...smile when I see babies, puppies...laugh when I hear a good joke...and appreciating the fact that my husband and I are now putting more of the focus on US and working on making the years we have left, enjoyable years.   All of this is a work-in-progress...but these days more steps ahead   than backwards.

Happy to be able to share on this forum with people like you, FaithHopeLove.

Huat