Ex Told Me She's on The Spectrum

[Turkish]

Meaning ASD1, or what they used to call Asperger's. 

A little over three years ago when our son was diagnosed about when he turned 6, I was pissed.  I thought it wasn't necessary. Then I read the evaluation, and most of it was prompted by the things I said during the parent interview,  darn my overanalyzing.

I was still a little upset afterwards when we all went to the mall for dinner.  My ex said something which tweaked me and I said,  "Thank you, Ms. Aspie!" She responded by chuckling self- consciously and slightly apologetic,  "yeah, I put the ASS in Asperger's." It dropped.

Recently,  she's talking about writing up something to help the school deal with kids on the spectrum,  including our 3rd grader. He's not on an IEP, he as of yet doesn't need one.  I had asked my son's after school watchers if he was ok.  They said yes.  My ex told me she had observed something.  I checked. I'm not sure how much is projection and how much is real.  I'm also biased not to believe her much. 

I told her what the after school people said.  She said she still wants to do it. This isn't coming out of left field,  as she works with adults on the spectrum,  helping them with job placements and work skills. 

Then she said that she thought she might be on the spectrum given her sensitivity to smells,  irritation when things aren't "just right" and tendency to focus on a single thing to the exclusion of other things (in my mind,  the last one isn't ASD, our son is far different when he does that,  but again, I'm biased. He's also extremely intelligent unlike her who feels average to me).

This is an interesting revelation from her.  I know that ASD, high functioning,  tends to manifest differently in females,  partly due to societal expectations. Females tend to learn more how to "mask" what's expected of them rather than males as much.  A nerdy,  quirky, "lost in the head" type I think is more acceptable in males than females.  I remember many times when she might say something off the wall,  see the reaction,  then self-consciously try to walk it back.

In any case, this is interesting to me.  I read the thread here about HF ASD and BPD.

COMPARISON: Aspergers/autism spectrum disorder vs BPD

[sweetheart]

Obviously not a woman, but my dBPDh has just been referred for an adult ASC assessment.
Our son, now 11 was dx with ASC1 when he was 8. My husband is not the nerdy super intelligent kind of guy stereotype that often goes with HFA, and neither is my son, however is an exceptionally talented ballet dancer having just been offered a vocational place to train with the Royal Ballet here in the U.K. My son needs support with most other areas of his life, and dysregulates/Meltdowns in the same way my husband does.

It is interesting for us because now my husband's mental health is stable enough for this assessment, and he is psychosis free and back to a baseline level of functioning; he and my son are like two peas in a pod at home. Both my son and husband are expert at masking, which is why my son was dx later than most boys. My son is also socially competent and mixes well with his peers, with no challenging behaviours typical of boys on the spectrum.

For me there are quite a few overlaps between the two conditions once I started reading about ASC.

[JNChell]

Do you think she may be  comorbid? How are things going for her in her neck of the woods?

[Turkish]

Who knows? But it's interesting that it occurred to me.  This is interesting. https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/costs-camouflaging-autism/

boys with autism might be overactive or appear to misbehave, girls more often seem anxious or depressed.

Last year, a team of researchers in the United States extended that work. They visited several schoolyards during recess and observed interactions among 48 boys and 48 girls, aged 7 or 8 on average, half of each group diagnosed with autism. They discovered that girls with autism tend to stay close to the other girls, weaving in and out of their activities. By contrast, boys with autism tend to play by themselves, off to the side.

She is diagnosed with both anxiety and depression. She told me  that she used to isolate herself from her peers, however,  but likely for different reasons than the boys spoken about above.  Or our son.  

Delaine Swearman, 38, says she wanted badly to fit in when she was about 10 or 11, but felt she was too different from the other girls in her school. She studied the girls she liked and concluded, “If I pretended to like everything they liked and to go along with everything, that maybe they would accept me,” she says. Her schoolmates were avid fans of the band New Kids on the Block. So Swearman, who says she had zero interest in the band, feigned a passion she did not feel. She made a few more friends, but felt she was never being herself

Sounds like Mirroring.  

I don't know what's going on with her otherwise.  She tells me about work stuff. I'm of the "don't ask,  don't tell" policy.

[JNChell]

The more that I learn about this stuff, the more it all becomes very similar. S4’s mom is dx’d with anxiety and depression as well.

The reason that I asked if you know how things are with her is because curiosity struck. Do you think that she is testing the water because she knows how much you love and care for your son? Just a random thought.

I understand everything that you highlighted in the context that you’re presenting it. I don’t know anything about ASD1. I’m assuming that communication and understanding the condition is very different from trying to achieve the same with BPD. Any chance that you’re willing to explore the possibility that your ex may be ASD1? Do you trust her on this at all?

[Turkish]

I think she's just telling me this to tell me.  If she has ASD traits, which I had thought of two years ago,  that's her life, none of my business other than how it might affect her parenting. Only then whay I can do from my ball court.

I thought about sending her the link above, but naw. That's involving myself. 

[JNChell]

I get it. I’ve sent S4’s mom articles in the past. Nothing good came from it. It was always a mistake on my part. Honestly, it drove the wedge deeper. Who am I to determine those things? It may be a good thing that your ex is looking at herself. I imagine that it’s somewhat validating. Happy Easter, Turkish.