Grief and a dream

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had a dream the other night about my uBPDex. I was in the home that he shares with his wife (which I have never set foot in, but in the dream it seemed like a college house with roommates). Somehow I was staying in a guest bedroom. I have a very vague memory of him and I interacting, and him being kind, like asking if I needed a towel. A good host yet relatively distant. There were boundaries there (which the guy never had in real life). Then he went into another room where I thought his wife was. I think they were playing some board game. The dream then shifted and I went into a dining room that looked like the dining room of a big hotel. Round tables were set with a few people sitting at them. It turned out it was a big sort of life celebration for my ex. I sat at a table but can't remember who else was sitting there and we waited for the person of honour which would have been him. I remember noting that there was no one from his immediate family there. Even though I have never met them. It was mostly old men from his country of origin. Then his wife came in and sat alone at the table of honour. When I looked closely I saw she was holding a small child who was kicking and struggling. He had some features of my ex. So I figured it was a child they had together. That made me really sad. The dream ended that way. With his wife sitting alone with the child. I think it made me so sad that the dream woke me up. And then unable to get to sleep and somehow trying to manage my grief I thought maybe now I can actually believe in their marriage. Maybe this means that he is an adult, that he is in an adult relationship and I can simply be happy for him. That finally he could be responsible and maybe value the people who meant something to him. That there is beauty in his having a child. That he wanted children so maybe he is finally putting his life on track. Although I too wanted children and don't have them. Perhaps this is where the grief is coming from. Still I have a lot of trouble believing in his marriage.  Maybe that was the purpose of this dream? To say: see hotncold: he has something real. Now you can have something real too. Is this to help me move on?  Perhaps the sadness was the final stage of grief?

The other thing I wonder is whether it's a bit related to the emotional state I've been in lately. Someone at work has been doing a bit of a love bomb with me.If it's not a love bomb he has really shown interest although it turns out that he is friendly with all sorts of women (the first time he approached me - he is new to our workspace - one woman commented that he talks to everyone). While I initially didn't even notice him, I finally did when he started really showing interest in me. But it's been a bit of a roller coaster because beyond friendly flirting and his seemingly being interested in me, things have gone nowhere. It all feels like a tease. Like my exBPD all over again. There's a great connection but no follow-through. It seems they are more interested in me being interested in them. But the excitement of first meeting someone who seemed so friendly and nice and cute, and then the downer of no continuity in that really threw me for a loop. I think I'm over it now.

Still I really didn't know what to make of my dream. I felt like the odd one out in all of it. After being kind to me, my ex left me to go to her. I felt that because I'd put a boundary up, I was being punished. I craved his companionship. Which no one in the dream was getting except for the moment where he went into another room and played a board game. Otherwise, he was largely absent. His absence I think was what saddened me so much. I know he hates me because I broke up with him. And as a result he needs to cast me out. I have put up boundaries with him and he resents me for it so much. I don't think he'll ever get over his deep seated anger that he directs at me. There are hints of his rage towards me whenever I see him despite his attempts to hide it. Extreme jealousy even though we are not together and he has been with his wife for a while now. I think the fact that I know that he is so disturbed makes me unable to believe in his marriage. And therefore not let go. What a weird thing. Normally I should just let go because he is so disturbed and unwilling to change, but that is almost what leaves me holding on. Because in a way I know he hasn't moved on?  Or maybe that guy at work has simply stuck his finger in some old wounds that haven't fully healed. I am a little confused to be honest as to why I was overcome with such incredibly deep sadness from a dream and that it manifested itself in the shape of my ex. Does it really have anything to do with him? I haven't interacted with him in two years. But whenever I am seeing someone and things aren't going well I do start to think about and idealize him.

[hotncold]

I had a dream the other night about my uBPDex. I was in the home that he shares with his wife (which I have never set foot in, but in the dream it seemed like a college house with roommates). Somehow I was staying in a guest bedroom. I have a very vague memory of him and I interacting, and him being kind, like asking if I needed a towel. A good host yet relatively distant. There were boundaries there (which the guy never had in real life). Then he went into another room where I thought his wife was. I think they were playing some board game. The dream then shifted and I went into a dining room that looked like the dining room of a big hotel. Round tables were set with a few people sitting at them. It turned out it was a big sort of life celebration for my ex. I sat at a table but can't remember who else was sitting there and we waited for the person of honour which would have been him. I remember noting that there was no one from his immediate family there. Even though I have never met them. It was mostly old men from his country of origin. Then his wife came in and sat alone at the table of honour. When I looked closely I saw she was holding a small child who was kicking and struggling. He had some features of my ex. So I figured it was a child they had together. That made me really sad. The dream ended that way. With his wife sitting alone with the child. I think it made me so sad that the dream woke me up. And then unable to get to sleep and somehow trying to manage my grief I thought maybe now I can actually believe in their marriage. Maybe this means that he is an adult, that he is in an adult relationship and I can simply be happy for him. That finally he could be responsible and maybe value the people who meant something to him. That there is beauty in his having a child. That he wanted children so maybe he is finally putting his life on track. Although I too wanted children and don't have them. Perhaps this is where the grief is coming from. Still I have a lot of trouble believing in his marriage.  Maybe that was the purpose of this dream? To say: see hotncold: he has something real. Now you can have something real too. Is this to help me move on?  Perhaps the sadness was the final stage of grief?

The other thing I wonder is whether it's a bit related to the emotional state I've been in lately. Someone at work has been doing a bit of a love bomb with me.If it's not a love bomb he has really shown interest although it turns out that he is friendly with all sorts of women (the first time he approached me - he is new to our workspace - one woman commented that he talks to everyone). While I initially didn't even notice him, I finally did when he started really showing interest in me. But it's been a bit of a roller coaster because beyond friendly flirting and his seemingly being interested in me, things have gone nowhere. It all feels like a tease. Like my exBPD all over again. There's a great connection but no follow-through. It seems they are more interested in me being interested in them. But the excitement of first meeting someone who seemed so friendly and nice and cute, and then the downer of no continuity in that really threw me for a loop. I think I'm over it now.

Still I really didn't know what to make of my dream. I felt like the odd one out in all of it. After being kind to me, my ex left me to go to her. I felt that because I'd put a boundary up, I was being punished. I craved his companionship. Which no one in the dream was getting except for the moment where he went into another room and played a board game. Otherwise, he was largely absent. His absence I think was what saddened me so much. I know he hates me because I broke up with him. And as a result he needs to cast me out. I have put up boundaries with him and he resents me for it so much. I don't think he'll ever get over his deep seated anger that he directs at me. There are hints of his rage towards me whenever I see him despite his attempts to hide it. Extreme jealousy even though we are not together and he has been with his wife for a while now. I think the fact that I know that he is so disturbed makes me unable to believe in his marriage. And therefore not let go. What a weird thing. Normally I should just let go because he is so disturbed and unwilling to change, but that is almost what leaves me holding on. Because in a way I know he hasn't moved on?  Or maybe that guy at work has simply stuck his finger in some old wounds that haven't fully healed. I am a little confused to be honest as to why I was overcome with such incredibly deep sadness from a dream and that it manifested itself in the shape of my ex. Does it really have anything to do with him? I haven't interacted with him in two years. But whenever I am seeing someone and things aren't going well I do start to think about and idealize him.

[once removed]

Still I really didn't know what to make of my dream.

im not the best at dream interpretation (some folks here are quite good at it though!) but it sounds to me like youre onto something. certainly, you have found some meaning in the dream that has helped you process. 

I am a little confused to be honest as to why I was overcome with such incredibly deep sadness from a dream and that it manifested itself in the shape of my ex. Does it really have anything to do with him?

well, dreams can leave us with really powerful feelings. i had an ex (we were together all of three months) that i had recurring dreams about many years after the fact, that would just shake me for the rest of the day, whereas i never otherwise gave her a thought. they (dreams) are complex things, and its difficult to say what exactly conjures them, and what exactly they mean, but i think if you have found some meaning in it, its a useful dream, and youre ahead of the game.

Someone at work has been doing a bit of a love bomb with me.If it's not a love bomb he has really shown interest although it turns out that he is friendly with all sorts of women (the first time he approached me - he is new to our workspace - one woman commented that he talks to everyone). While I initially didn't even notice him, I finally did when he started really showing interest in me.

tell us more. what did he do? what does he do?

[hotncold]

Hi,
Thanks for your response. I normally am pretty bad at dream interpretation and usually dismiss dreams as not significant but this one was very powerful. It really left me with a major emotional hangover. 

tell us more. what did he do? what does he do?

He immediately took interest in the work that I do and in some the art that I do and asked me to share some of my work with him. I shared something with him and we discussed it. Then one day I was having a bad day and was complaining a little bit about a situation I was in, and he offered that I accompany him on his break so I could vent to him about it. It was unexpected because I really didn't know him at the time but he essentially he offered to listen to me. He is also a pretty friendly guy in general. But seeing someone take interest in me like that puts me through a bit of a roller coaster because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel quite a bit of chemistry with this guy, and every time I have felt chemistry with someone, the shoe eventually does drop.

[hotncold]

as I think more about this, the day before I had my dream, there was a situation where I decided to make a small gesture and accompany the guy at work when he went for coffee. It was a small gesture and hard for me to do but I did it. But some other girl did the same thing so we ended up all three having a coffee. After that we had to part ways and the girl accompanied the guy while I went off on my own. I wonder if this very small and seemingly insignificant incident did not trigger my fear of being the odd one out. I was in a very, very strange agitated, angry yet sad state after that. Obviously I felt a bit vulnerable having made a gesture towards him. Something about it affected me alot. First of all the girl tried to ignore me and directed her attention to the guy only. This could be normal because she didn't know me. But this is something that makes me extremely angry. When women ignore each other and direct all their attention towards the man in the hopes of getting his attention. Again... this triggered my feelings of being invisible. This guy though did correct the situation and introduced us to each other. And I took the opportunity to ask her questions of herself. The situation seems so minor but I think I was really triggered. I was in quite a state for a least a couple hours after that. And why... would this situation then manifest itself as the sadness caused by my ex? I guess it all taps into the same wound. And everyone seems to be having a go at it... and I can't tell who is who or what is what, simply that this pain is recurring.

[itsmeSnap]

You were a guest in your dream, well treated but still always a guest.

Dreams are about processing feelings and organizing thoughts, so even if they don't make literal sense, there is something about how you're feeling in there.

The fact that it was a lavish setting I see as your mind telling you this is something you value, and that someone else gets to enjoy, but not you, you're just a guest.

A home is often a projection of our own self, this is were we live, and what we share with those closest: could it be the relationship you had with him you still value?

The fact that she was alone at the honor table with a struggling child I think is part of it: he is the child, the center of attention, valued/celebrated by those around him, vulnerable yet lovable, "cared for" by someone who can't soothe/help him.

The sadness is interesting in that you don't jump in to help him and yet you're not happy about his new life. It seems like sadness to let go, convinced its not your place to step up, you're on the sidelines now, just a guest in his life.

The story with your coworkers might have played into that feeling of not being center stage since the breakup, center of attention like you mention liking from your him and this new person: no follow through, you got to experience the lavishness (heightened attention and interest) but don't get to keep it, like a guest.

What do you think?

[hotncold]

Itsmesnap,
Thank you so much for this insight. I think you are bang on with many things. My ex felt like home but I had to walk away when I realized that home for me had always involved me self sacrificing and neglecting my needs. I still value him.and the relationship but I could not be his caretaker.
The hotel now that I think about it was not really lavish. It was a bit old with ugly carpeting. The tables had plain white table cloths. Nothing special. I think your analysis that the unsoothable child was my ex is very accurate. The thought entered my mind shortly after I had The dream. The adult version of him does not exist and therefore he was not at the table. My sadness has since disappeared. I now see the situation clearly. The dream organized the situation in a way that has allowed me to detach. I could simply not be the caregiver to someone that I loved. And it was the hardest thing for me to do to walk away from that. For so long the psotion of caregiver was so attractive even though I knew I didn't want to be in that role, and that I wouldn't be able to stay in it. Somehow the dream really drew such a clear picture. I am just a guest, watching from the outside, distant. It was my choice to walk away, to leave the space for her to fill. He will always find someone to fill that space. I am not the first to walk away not am I the last I'm sure.