Always On Her Terms

[Ching]

The person with BPD ended the relationship abruptly over a conflict and didn’t communicate until she needed something from me ~ typical behaviour from her .. always on her terms. When she broke up with me she ignored as if I didn’t exist, very cold/mean. I begged and begged for her to not end the relationship and continued to ignore me. Until she contacted me Cos she needed something from me. Then I realized she was just using me then I went no contact as well. We haven’t communicated  for 10 weeks. Broken up same time. I have decided this is not the person/relationship I want to be in but I am struggling to not think about the relationship and feeling I was duped by this person. Is this normal?

[KoRnyRocks]

This is very normal, mostly a part of you right now feel ashamed for sticking around so long. You knew it was toxic, but because our mind remembers when it was really good like when you do drugs, you seem to remember those things the most.
You need to stop glorifying the relationship because you know how bad it really was. Going no contact is the best thing to do and stay that way, trust me I know how hard it is, I am in the same situation now.
Remember this is because of their problems, not you.
Write some letters that she won’t get, but open up emotionally to yourself and let it all out. Read them in ____ days to remind yourself of why it’s good you are not with that person anymore.


If you feel like it, you can always write me a pm

[Sirnut]

Hi Ching

You asked about what is normal in these situations.

As far as I can tell, the things you are describing are very common in BPD relationships, even though they would not be normal in the general community. The sudden unexplained cutoff, being ignored by the one we love, wondering whether we have been duped, all of these things are frequently described in these threads. They  are common experiences with BPD and it seems like you are experiencing the same.

As to whether we are being duped, I’ve seen and read enough to think that the special person in our lives hasn’t set out to dupe us. I believe they are very genuine in any given moment, and their hurtful actions have to be understood as part of how they respond to emotional stress. In effect, we can be collateral damage from their immature coping mechanisms. It’s more self protective for them rather than directed against you.

Over time you’ll learn more about these things if you stay with us.

Anyhow, it would be good to hear a bit more of your story.

[Lucky Jim]

I have decided this is not the person/relationship I want to be in but I am struggling to not think about the relationship and feeling I was duped by this person. Is this normal?

Hey Ching, as Sirnut and KornyRocks note, Yes, this is normal.

I suggest you focus on being grateful that you are out of an unhealthy r/s.  Sure, it's painful to part ways with a pwBPD, yet it leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, right?

LJ