Hoping I can survive

[lonely38]

This is a post after I withdrew divorce papers.  I am second guessing myself with regard to this decision.  My BPD husband is 61 years old and recently retired.  He has been pure hell to live with after making a move in 2018 from a home with acreage to a patio style home closer to town and family. 
I fell apart in 2018 with what I would consider to be a mental breakdown.  I ended up filing for divorce and, in panic mode, shared things with children they did not know about their dad.  At this point, it seems a total embarrassment to be in this kind of relationship where everything is back and forth.  These days, it is mostly 'back'.  Because my BPD husband is abusive to me with words and emotions, it has become increasingly difficult to deal with. 
My health has been seriously impacted this past year with major stress.  I am in therapy to continue calming myself down.
When I try to exhibit boundaries with my BPD husband, he seems to ignore those and wants to instead punish me with distance for having boundaries etc.  He says my boundaries are controlling.  I told him I would not be allowing myself to be in high emotion conversations with him anymore.  He says I start these.  I have allowed myself to believe his lies for so long that I have actually started to believe what he says and thinks about me.  This past year I began to consciously be more aware of how our conflicts started and escalated.  It became apparent it was not me.  Although realizing this has given me some comfort, it has not taken away the stress of living with this highly emotional person.
I am tired of being his kicking post.  I realize the only options I have if I continue to live with him are giving myself protection in how I will allow him to treat me.
I do not think there is a way to reason with this man.  Any tips or advice deeply appreciated. 
I am working to find ways to connect with other people and find things in life I enjoy which has certainly helped.
While it is my goal to stay married, I feel pretty helpless and hopeless about any kind of peaceful future in marriage.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I told him I would not be allowing myself to be in high emotion conversations with him anymore.

i think this would make a lot of people defensive. things might go more smoothly if you gracefully exit intense conversations when tempers are flared.

what sorts of high emotion conversations have you been having?

[lonely38]

Actually, it is my BPD husband with high emotion.  He is going back over everything from last year and blaming me for the fallout.  He seems to be dealing with these emotions on a pretty regular basis.  I have tried to say I want to hear his feelings and emotions but I cannot be in the way of his rage.  It is hard to figure out to deal with this as he gets upset whether I get up without saying anything or whether I just say I am going to leave.   It's almost like he needs to punish me.  He has told me he is bitter.  I have said that I am sorry to hear he is bitter and what does he think he ought to do about it.

Any tips out there I am open to.  I just cannot allow him to rage at me.  My stress level goes way back up and then I find myself back to survival mode.

[Ozzie101]

I hear you, lonely38. Been there.

When he starts raging (or you can tell he's building up to it), are you able to leave the conversation -- or even leave the house? Saying something like "I can see this is very important to you but I'm not up to discussing it right now. Let's talk about it in x hours." That lets him know you want to hear what he has to say (validation) and assures him you will be back.

That's what was suggested to me when I presented the problem. In my case, I wasn't able to actually leave the house since it usually happened late at night and/or my H would block me. Sorry to say I never figured out something that would work for me but I know this plan has worked for others.

[lonely38]

It just sometimes feels hopeless.  I am doing all kinds of things to find friends and activities outside my marriage, trying calming therapy, reading books. 
I realize this must be tough on my husband, but since I seem to be his easiest target, he takes all of his emotional topsy turvy feelings out on me.  I am leaving lots of conversations these days.  He has a very critical, condescending, demeaning manner with me.  I have learned to say to him when he does this, 'I was sharing information with you to see if you cared, not if you agree.'.  He does seem to be getting the idea that I no longer put up with his criticizing and verbal abuse.  He even apologized and tried a new style with me twice this week.
It's so strange to me that it actually took me 38 years of marriage to finally put a label on what was going on with regard to verbal and emotional abuse.  That part of is has been enlightening and even a lightening of the load on me as I am now realize this was not me.  It has given me permission to find joy and peace in life.  But the process will take me a while as I have become so trigger happy with his emotional dysregulation.  It leaves me exhausted, keeps me from sleeping and puts my body in high stress mode.  I am determined that I am capable of overcoming these things and am putting things in place in order to make that happen.
Thank you for any encouragement.  I really appreciate it.  This site has been a wealth of information for me.

[Ozzie101]

That's really good that he's trying a new style and has started apologizing. 38 years is a long time for habits to become engrained so, as you know, it can take quite a while to pave new paths. When he does something different (in a good way), what's your reaction? Do you give positive validation?

Keep on looking for that peace and joy. The stronger you are, the better you'll be able to make it through and make good, healthy decisions.

[rolney]

Oh I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to participate in high emotional conversations. The problem is knowing when a regular conversation is about to go high. In my experience this could be mid sentence! I really struggle with my personal psychological safety in conversations where just having a different opinion is enough to fuel a fall out. Know that you are not alone in that and I agree that it is very important to make known our  personal boundaries. I wish you all the best and hope your marriage can survive.

[lonely38]

Thank you for your reply.  I am right there with the psychological stuff.  My stress level is very high and I am doing all I can to slow it down.  But when my BPD husband acts out with finger pointing words, I am so trigger happy that it is hard to stop.

I know he must be hurting, but all of his hurt is being hurled at me.  I am exhausted and unsure of next steps or how I will make it.  There is no physical abuse, just emotional and verbal.  Which feel just as bad as physical.  My husband has been in a bad place for a long time.  I have encouraged him to get help with meds, therapy, etc., but he seems helpless to do anything.

As much as my codependent self is willing to help him, it seems as soon as I get in the 'ring' with him, that I am caught back in his whirlwind of crazy.  It feels like I am stuck.

[once removed]

can you tell us more about the emotional and verbal abuse? what are some examples?

[lonely38]

I will give a couple of examples:

You have created a mamby pampy narrative by going to therapists that you are being abused.  You are not being abused.  I am being abused.  You need to give this up or you are going to drive us back to divorce.

He told me this week that I think everyone is out to get me and that I am a victim.

He tells me often, 'this is not about you.'  Meaning you are so self centered and so self focused.

When I asked him to drop me at the house a couple of days back (we were maybe 4 min from our home), he wanted to go to Costco which I figured would take about an hour.  I asked would he mind dropping me off so I could nap as I had no sleep the night before.  He said YOU ARE SO INFLEXIBLE.  Then doesn't want to talk to me the rest of the day.  Then tells me how angry I was when I said it.  This type of conversation always ends up very confusing to understand as it seems he turns things around the complete opposite of what they are.

When I asked him to please go take his mouthguard to the dentist (we were going to travel and he uses it to sleep to keep him from snoring.  This allows me to sleep and he's been doing it for years.)  He said, 'try earplugs.  other people have partners that snore and they can sleep with them.  and by the way, you snore'.  It's the tone and the words he uses combined.

I recently shared I had learned something very important in therapy about a relationship with our daughter.  His reply was 'well, I could saved you $150.  I already told you that.'

He rages with words about how I have ruined our family because I filed for divorce and how I intended to bury him. (exact words).  He says I was vengeful and out to get him with divorce. He says I pre-meditated everything about the divorce. I share with him that I was in full panic mode and had a major reaction to stress.  When he brings it up now, it seems there is always another layer of harm he is adding to the list of how awful I was to him.  He does not own that his verbal and emotional words to me in the last year have beaten me down.  He says my stress level is mine and nothing to do with him.

I have began using essential oils to create a more calm atmosphere.  He continually tells me I am stinking up our home and that the smell is penetrating everything and I need to stop.

It's a constant talking down to me, causing me to feel bullied, backed into a corner and demeaned.  I literally shake these days when he does this.   As I write this, it takes me back to how I feel when with him and how he speaks to me.

I have been told by several people, including therapists, our children and friends that he is verbally abusive (bullying, trying to get a 'dig' in).  It is absolutely exhausting.

When I get up and walk away, he says 'there you go, always trying to control'  He is very big on using the words that I am controlling.  I have heard this for pretty much our entire marriage including that I am an argumentative, difficult to get along with person.  He reminds me over and over that he never starts anything, that it is all me.  So I began to become more conscious of what was going on in our relationship dynamics this past fall and finally have realized I am not the crazy one here, I just feel like the crazy one.