Losing family and friends due to BPD Sister

[GingerGer]

I could use some advice from anyone who has experienced what I'm currently going through. My sister, who I have long suspected as having narcissistic borderline disorder, has finally done what I thought was impossible, and has turned family and friends against me. I believe that these relationships are now irretrievable. I have spent most of my adult life as the target of her envy and jealousy. She has gone to great lengths to malign my character and my reputation and I don't think, at this point, that there is anything I can do to stop her. I am actually afraid of her, because I don't know how far she will go. Distance has not helped, as I have had no contact with her, aside for family gatherings, as we are still connected due to my elderly father, who is a widower. Cutting ties with her completely would mean cutting him out of my life, which at this point, may not even matter, given that in recent months, but especially the last few days, his attitude towards me has changed, and he seems to be withdrawing from me. I am devastated, and feel extremely isolated, and could use some insights as to what steps I should be taking. I see a therapist, and although she is supportive, I think it would help me to connect with people who have had similar experiences, and survived. Thank you so much. 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you are reaching out for more support!   

What sorts of things did your sister do to cause this change in others?  Can you share some details with us?

could use some insights as to what steps I should be taking.

I would hold off on doing anything right now.  Let things settle, especially within yourself before making any decision.

I am glad you posted and hope to hear more from you.

[GingerGer]

Hi Harri. Thanks for your quick response. I will not take any action until the dust settles on the latest episode-I can promise you that. Especially because I don't know what to do.  I mentioned that my sister and I only see each other during holidays or family gatherings, so what she has been doing for the last couple of years is cancelling, last minute, and telling my father that she won't be there because of me. There is always some petty or contrived excuse, something I've done, (or not!) for her not attending. We have a small family so by targeting me, she ruins the holiday for everyone, while simultaneously maligning me. She has done this this at least four or five times in the last year or so.  Because I don't know how to explain what she's doing or why she's doing it, I stay silent. I suspect that my dad and other family members who may be aware interpret my silence as being guilty of her accusations. I also believe that she talks to my dad and family behind my back. She is extremely intelligent and highly manipulative, and presents well to people, (although I know the real her, and they NEVER see the real her). But the part that breaks my heart the most has to do with my dad. He is up there in age, and wants to see his daughters as friends, and despite me telling him that it can't happen, and despite me telling him some of the awful and outrageous things that make a relationship with my sister impossible, he has held out hope. Over time, I have seen that she has driven a wedge between me and him, and he has begun to blame me for what's happened, and has become closer to her. He has never told her to overlook the pettiness and put the family first (as I always have.) He lays the blame squarely at my feet and ignores my protests. So instead of him being grateful to me for always showing up, always being there for him, I have become the daughter who ruin his holidays and his dream of having his family gathered around him in his final years. If there is only one relationship that I could salvage here, it's my relationship with my dad, but he won't listen to me anymore. He tells me, "I have two daughters," and that's where the conversation ends. It makes me incredibly sad.

       

[Harri]

All of this sounds difficult and I am so sorry for that.

But the part that breaks my heart the most has to do with my dad. He is up there in age, and wants to see his daughters as friends, and despite me telling him that it can't happen, and despite me telling him some of the awful and outrageous things that make a relationship with my sister impossible, he has held out hope.

This is hard.  Of course he wants both of you to get along and I get the impression he does not want to get in  the middle of the situation too.  Sometimes, when we try to get another person to see our side of things they can feel very distressed and will pull back just to not be pulled into the conflict.  It is natural to want to explain your side and it is also possible that this may be part of the problem.  He may feel like you are trying to get him to take sides.   Rather than explaining, can you just say something more neurtal and validating to him?  somthing like " I am sure it is difficult to have your two kids having conflict.  I would not like it either." and leave it at that?

We have an article called Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle that can explain this far better than I can.  Read it and see what you think and then we can talk about it.

[GingerGer]

I agree that he probably feels distressed about being in the middle, and have insisted that I am not expecting him to take sides, but I will try to get better at this and will take your advice, read the article, and glean whatever I can from it to make this situation tolerable for everyone involved. Thank you so much for the guidance. I do appreciate it.