Clarity does not always bring peace at first

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Dear Frankie,
I’m so sorry you are going through a lot, I want to talk to you about few things I have gathered from your post. It seems that even us, non BPDs have a mental health issues that aren’t identical, but complimentary to BPD traits. When our BPDs dysregulate it leaves a little time and resources to process and deal with our own issues. We are in a survival mode most of the time. When things seem to calm down slightly, all the unprocessed trauma is coming to a surface. As a nursing student I’m sure you would appreciate the analogy-  keloid scar tissue is formed in the place of your early emotional trauma  that has been exacerbated by your relationships with BPDh.

I recently asked a question to my H.  He has changed for the better because of my love for him, where has it gotten me? 

In some people, the scar tissue keeps forming long after the wound heals. This extra scar tissue causes the raised area.  That is what it is.  In large perspective, things have gotten better.  But the trauma that I experience earlier (years ago) has come to light.  When I think I what he did, I find I ask myself the question more and more, how can you love anybody after those horrible things. 

We got into a fight.  There was a mix up at school with the oldest about taking the bus.  I was upset when I got a call from the daycare.  Then I said I messaged the teacher and I was a little upset.  He was already in a bad mood and started interrogating me about what I said to the teacher.  I lied on what I said because I thought he may take it the wrong way that I was bitc*ing her out.  He said to give me his phone, I did, he saw I lied, and nuclear reactor meltdown.  It turns into me lying about small things means I will lie about big things (i.e. cheating).  Of course everything he said supportive, understanding, went out the window and now he's going to believe his own little crazy thoughts.  I was flabbergasted when he even went so far and saying that I know why he hit me, but for the life of him, he can't figure out why I lie to him.  That a black eye will heal, just like a bruise will, but emotional scars don't. 

He was trying so hard and egging me on, telling me he was waiting for me to explode, tell him I hate him, throw the physical abuse in his face, tell him I am leaving.  I didn't do any of it.  I kept cool and dodged his snap attempts to set me off.

He even brought up the night at Mardi Gras.  Went so far as to say how does he know I didn't lie about that.  I tried telling him that I think something is seriously wrong with me.  Told him I feel depressed and I think I need to see a doctor.  Told him tonight that I am going to call them tomorrow.  His response.  How does that help me?

What is hurting is that he is trying to down play the physical and emotional abuse he did.  Tried to tell me that stuff didn't happen for years.  I can rattle off more than one incidents in the past couple years where he physically assaulted me.

I feel like the reason I lasted as long as I did before was that I was in survival mode.  Fighting for my sanity and life.  Now, my mind has calmed and is more focused.  Trouble is, clarity has brought me heartbreak instead of peace of mind.  I picked up on what he said.  Telling me that if I leave him, we will both be miserable and alone and he will never love again.  He is trying to make it seem like everything will be horrible if I leave.  How can anything feel more horrible that how I have been feeling lately?

[Frankee]

Dear Frankie,
I’m so sorry you are going through a lot, I want to talk to you about few things I have gathered from your post. It seems that even us, non BPDs have a mental health issues that aren’t identical, but complimentary to BPD traits. When our BPDs dysregulate it leaves a little time and resources to process and deal with our own issues. We are in a survival mode most of the time. When things seem to calm down slightly, all the unprocessed trauma is coming to a surface. As a nursing student I’m sure you would appreciate the analogy-  keloid scar tissue is formed in the place of your early emotional trauma  that has been exacerbated by your relationships with BPDh.

I recently asked a question to my H.  He has changed for the better because of my love for him, where has it gotten me? 

In some people, the scar tissue keeps forming long after the wound heals. This extra scar tissue causes the raised area.  That is what it is.  In large perspective, things have gotten better.  But the trauma that I experience earlier (years ago) has come to light.  When I think I what he did, I find I ask myself the question more and more, how can you love anybody after those horrible things. 

We got into a fight.  There was a mix up at school with the oldest about taking the bus.  I was upset when I got a call from the daycare.  Then I said I messaged the teacher and I was a little upset.  He was already in a bad mood and started interrogating me about what I said to the teacher.  I lied on what I said because I thought he may take it the wrong way that I was bitc*ing her out.  He said to give me his phone, I did, he saw I lied, and nuclear reactor meltdown.  It turns into me lying about small things means I will lie about big things (i.e. cheating).  Of course everything he said supportive, understanding, went out the window and now he's going to believe his own little crazy thoughts.  I was flabbergasted when he even went so far and saying that I know why he hit me, but for the life of him, he can't figure out why I lie to him.  That a black eye will heal, just like a bruise will, but emotional scars don't. 

He was trying so hard and egging me on, telling me he was waiting for me to explode, tell him I hate him, throw the physical abuse in his face, tell him I am leaving.  I didn't do any of it.  I kept cool and dodged his snap attempts to set me off.

He even brought up the night at Mardi Gras.  Went so far as to say how does he know I didn't lie about that.  I tried telling him that I think something is seriously wrong with me.  Told him I feel depressed and I think I need to see a doctor.  Told him tonight that I am going to call them tomorrow.  His response.  How does that help me?

What is hurting is that he is trying to down play the physical and emotional abuse he did.  Tried to tell me that stuff didn't happen for years.  I can rattle off more than one incidents in the past couple years where he physically assaulted me.

I feel like the reason I lasted as long as I did before was that I was in survival mode.  Fighting for my sanity and life.  Now, my mind has calmed and is more focused.  Trouble is, clarity has brought me heartbreak instead of peace of mind.  I picked up on what he said.  Telling me that if I leave him, we will both be miserable and alone and he will never love again.  He is trying to make it seem like everything will be horrible if I leave.  How can anything feel more horrible that how I have been feeling lately?

[Cat Familiar]

Things have gotten better, but is it enough? When times are stressful, he reverts back to being un-compassionate. You have a habit of lying to him because you don't trust that he won't go ballistic. When you tell him that you're depressed, he isn't supportive, but thinks about his own feelings. You don't like how he minimizes how his abuse impacted you. You are looking at your relationship with clear eyes and you don't like what you see.

You have the power to change things. What do you want to do?

[Frankee]

I set up a doctor appointment for May 1st is the first avaiable time.

I am not sure what is going to happen, but I am leaning more towards behavior that will push my bph away for good.  I am walking a fine line here between something that could go really wrong or may finally getting out of this relationship for good.  It breaks my heart when I think of the kids and how it will affect them, but yesterday I had an epiphany.   This is really not a healthy or stable environment for the kids to be living in.  I know before it wasn't healthy, but something really snapped me awake yesterday.

I am scared.  Scared of what could happen going out on my own with two kids.  I have no idea how I am going to make it work, but when I take a hard look at my life right now, I don't want this anymore.  I spent too many good years, trying to help him get better.  Now when I am falling apart, I honestly can't trust or count on him.  Most of all, I know I do not deserve to be talked to the way he still does.  My heart is slowly catching up to what my mind already knew. 

[Cat Familiar]

I am not sure what is going to happen, but I am leaning more towards behavior that will push my bph away for good. 

So you are trying to make him end the relationship, not you?

I am walking a fine line here between something that could go really wrong or may finally getting out of this relationship for good. 

That sounds dangerous. What would happen if you just ended it?

It breaks my heart when I think of the kids and how it will affect them, but yesterday I had an epiphany.   This is really not a healthy or stable environment for the kids to be living in.  I know before it wasn't healthy, but something really snapped me awake yesterday.

There are no good solutions to prevent children from having sorrow over the end of their parents' relationship. But you can create a life for them that will be happy and fulfilling, and perhaps he can do so as well.

I am scared.  Scared of what could happen going out on my own with two kids.  I have no idea how I am going to make it work, but when I take a hard look at my life right now, I don't want this anymore.  I spent too many good years, trying to help him get better.  Now when I am falling apart, I honestly can't trust or count on him.  Most of all, I know I do not deserve to be talked to the way he still does.  My heart is slowly catching up to what my mind already knew. 

You are getting your ducks in a row with going back to school and working toward a degree in nursing. Can your family offer any support?

[Frankee]

So you are trying to make him end the relationship, not you?

That sounds dangerous. What would happen if you just ended it?

I am struggling with holding it together and telling him to just forget it and take a hike.  I would like get set up with my own car, finish this semester, and get an actual full time job.  It's just, I see him breaking down and saying the stuff I have been saying about giving up and part of me is feeding off it.  I feel bad, but at the same time, I am not offering comfort or support. According to him that anytime he is having a hard time lately, so am I and It's not fair.  How am I supposed to respond.

Sometimes I feel as if I can get him to give up, then ultimately leaving him will be easier.  I won't have him begging to make it work and to give him the millionth chance to fix it.  I am getting a backup plan and I just need time.

You are getting your ducks in a row with going back to school and working toward a degree in nursing. Can your family offer any support?

They might be able too.  I am not sure how much from a different state though.

[Frankee]

Seeing counselor tomorrow.  Note:  he doesn't remember the cheap shots he took when he got angry.  He said that he is telling me to "fix" the situation is by telling him I love him, touching him, being how I use to be.  When he was off the rails before.  He wants me to act how I use to be.  Really sinking in.  Fact is, he has drained that emotional well dry.  I can't be compassionate, understanding, etc. When he says mean things to me and then really believes he didn't direct it at me. 

[Cat Familiar]

How did the counseling appointment go, Frankee?

[Frankee]

I thought they went good.  We are going to start working on forgiveness steps to help me heal from past inflictions.

This morning he woke inflections.  Carrying on..  if you aren't going to help me, go back to sleep.  You should had planned this out better with our work schedules, telling me to walk or ride the bike, He's not doing it, He's not going to come pick me up and waste his lunch for a job I "made" him take, kept saying, no, He's not going yo do this for a job giving me only 15 hours, I need to take a taxi or quit.  Completely disregarding the fact I have to take the youngest to daycare.

When he left, I took off my wedding ring and was crying.  I didn't realize he came back, he saw the ring, snatched it up and told me that if I am going to keep taking it off, he is going to keep it.  He calls me after he leaves.  Says he isn't going to be with someone that is going to keep contemplating whether or not they are leaving every time that we have an argument.  I stopped crying.

This is how little tolerance I have for him getting upset and "cranky".  It infuriates me even more that he kept saying he was just "cranky".  When I said he was mean to me, I said no I wasn't.

I really think this is just another sign that I am done trying to make this relationship work or really care anymore.

[Cat Familiar]

It's good to work on those past emotional traumas so that we don't carry them over into the present. 

If you're not wanting to put the energy into repairing the relationship, how can you minimize the upset feelings while you're working on getting your nursing degree and planning on having financial independence?

[Frankee]

If you're not wanting to put the energy into repairing the relationship, how can you minimize the upset feelings while you're working on getting your nursing degree and planning on having financial independence?

I am not sure.  I think I am having difficulty faking it, so to speak.  I am having a hard time trying to find a balance.  I don't want to give in it his "cranky" attitudes because it feels demeaning.  Now with him feeling the way he does with my ring, I feel he is going to exhaust more of my resources trying to fix our relationship or carry on with how horrible I am for wanting to leave everytime/destroying our family.

I guess I need reassurance at this point.  Should I attempt to make it seem like everything is okay until I can figure out what to do about becoming more financially stable on my own?  I have literally 2 weeks left of classes.  2 weeks, I need to hold it together at least.  Should I do what I can to keep it together until classes are done?  I.e., show I am willing to try, suck it up and just roll with it, push my ego aside? 

I don't even know what today holds in place when I see him.  How am I supposed to pretend like I am sorry and want to make it work, just so he'll back off...

[formflier]

Hey Frankee

I used to lie in the same way you did...I understand why you did it and I also hope that you can put that in a separate "bucket" from the other stuff...own it and move past it.

When a paranoid person realizes there is some truth to their stuff...it's double and triple bad.  My wife would allege I would lie about my whores, other wives and all that crazy stuff and then when she would catch a "real" lie...like me saying "I've never heard anything about (fill in the blank)" and then she finds out I had heard of it but was scared to say so...well..it confirmed I was a liar.

I eventually had to get to the point to say that I wasn't comfortable discussing the topic and let her freak out about that...rather than lie to her.

It took a long time for that to get better.

Also...why hand him your phone.  That's a big thing for me...perhaps it's not a big deal for you.

Really glad you are taking steps.

FF

[formflier]

  How am I supposed to pretend like I am sorry and want to make it work, just so he'll back off...

Isn't there a third option. 

1.  Pretending.   Bad news..let's not do that.
2.  Complete honestly/openness.  You are wise to not let it all out.  I don't think this is good.
3.  Openness that now isn't a good time and you need space.


Isn't three a good option? No pretending..it's honest and it's wise.

Thoughts?

FF

[Frankee]

Not handing him the phone may had led to a physical altercation, knowing his patterns in the past.

In his case, I think the truth to his stuff is the abandonment issue.  He has effectively pushed me to the one thing he was so dearly trying to avoid. 

I am struggling with this because there is more calm after the storm and more awareness on my end on how I feel when he says/acts a certain way.  My ability to process the emotions after a deregulation has left me feeling very resentful and not able to offer the comfort he requests.

Also he feels more like a friend with benefits who I have two kids with, easiest way to sum it up.  He wants his wife back, but I don't think those feelings exist anymore.  I did crack more than once in the past couple weeks and openly told him my feelings for him changed and even a couple days ago told him I didn't love him.  I apologized, to make him feel better.  I am having an even harder time applying the tools here for my own peace of mind. 

I feel I am fighting an uphill battle to maintain a peaceful home life to focus on my studies and what I am truly feeling.

[formflier]

Not handing him the phone may had led to a physical altercation, knowing his patterns in the past.

OK...let's accept that as true.  Why is it up to you to "do things" to avoid a physical altercation?  Do you see how this thinking "controls" you...his actual or threatened "physicality"  gets you to do things it appears you don't want to do...or shouldn't do?

Listen..we all have booboos...fall short...are not at our best in a relationship.  We're human.  If you are not able to be human in your relationship because he will be physical or because you worry he will, isn't that a more important place to focus that the particulars of a message sent to a teacher?

Best,

FF

[formflier]

   He wants his wife back, but I don't think those feelings exist anymore.  

It's understandable for you to have those feelings.  Frankly...that you have those feelings and not far worse ones (far more negative ones) speaks highly of you as a person.

It's also understandable that he wants the "old you" back?

What I don't understand is how YOU are applying all this pressure to yourself to bring back feelings that don't exist at this moment.  

"Interpreting feelings" isn't something I'm the best at, other senior posters are far better than I.  So..I'll just generally say it's better for me to acknowledge the feeling and hang out with it for a while, rather than try to "run it off".

Another observation:  There seems to be an unspoken "I can't have this feeling because of what it means for the future."  (perhaps that it mean the end of the r/s).

Am I right?

Wouldn't it be better to stay at "I have this feeling..."  and stay there for a bit.  

The future will show up...you don't have to worry about that..don't have to care for that.  

Best,

FF  

[Frankee]

Listen..we all have booboos...fall short...are not at our best in a relationship.  We're human.  If you are not able to be human in your relationship because he will be physical or because you worry he will, isn't that a more important place to focus that the particulars of a message sent to a teacher?

It is.  I have said and done things where he knows I worry about it going back to how it use to be.  I am sometimes.  I did actually, almost two months ago.

The thoughts controlling me are things like that and how hard he can make things for me.  Even yesterday.  Just getting to daycare and work were a challenge.  All because he didn't want to waste his lunch time to pick me up for a job I "forced" him to take.   And on top, didn't leave me the carseat.  He was so mad at me, that he left me stranded with a 3 year old at home and said.. good luck.

What I don't understand is how YOU are applying all this pressure to yourself to bring back feelings that don't exist at this moment. 

Another observation:  There seems to be an unspoken "I can't have this feeling because of what it means for the future."  (perhaps that it mean the end of the r/s).

Am I right?

Wouldn't it be better to stay at "I have this feeling..."  and stay there for a bit. 

I guess I am feeling the pressure because I am allowing him to pressure me.  I would love to be able to sit patiently with my feelings and understand why I feel this way and try to get better.  I have always prided myself at coming out of dark places a stronger and wiser version of myself.  All I have asked for is time, like I gave so much of mine to him.  He just doesn't seem able to in a non aggressive manner.  He wants everything fixed now and I told him I can't give that to him.

[formflier]

Remind me again about his willingness to do individual counseling for himself (primarily) and joint counseling with you?

Is there a history here?

Note:  All of those things are able to help you take the time you need.  Ultimately you get it that it's about you taking the time you need, regardless of what he "wants".

In fact...if you can limit time listening to his "wants"..likely the better.

Car seat drama..uggg...with 8 kids, been there done that.  We have a bazillion cars and car seats and it still can get weird.     

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I can see how easily he can use a guilt trip on you. I imagine the conversation going something like this:

Hey, I've been doing this counseling that you said you needed me to do and I even got this  job to try and please you. And now you're being all stand-offish and nasty. I've been bending over backwards to do all this for you, and what do I get out of it? Nothing. Why can't you be nice like you used to? Can't you just get over the past? I'm doing better, but nothing is ever good enough for you. And I know you're keeping secrets from me. You talk more with your girlfriends than you do with me. Maybe you've got a boyfriend that you're keeping secret. Let me see your phone. I know you're keeping things from me. And this business with school. I bet you're trying to meet a wealthy doctor so you can run off with him. That's what this is about. You're making plans to leave me.

The problem is that there's some truth there. You are working toward having financial independence with a career that can support you and your sons. And yes, you can talk more freely with your friends than with him. And he has been trying to be a better partner, but there's a lot of distance to cover there and you have a lot of hurt from the past that he doesn't acknowledge.

[Frankee]

Hey, I've been doing this counseling that you said you needed me to do and I even got this  job to try and please you. And now you're being all stand-offish and nasty. I've been bending over backwards to do all this for you, and what do I get out of it? Nothing. Why can't you be nice like you used to? Can't you just get over the past? I'm doing better, but nothing is ever good enough for you. And I know you're keeping secrets from me. You talk more with your girlfriends than you do with me. Maybe you've got a boyfriend that you're keeping secret. Let me see your phone. I know you're keeping things from me. And this business with school. I bet you're trying to meet a wealthy doctor so you can run off with him. That's what this is about. You're making plans to leave me.

That was spot on Cat   .  It wouldn't had been much different if he was actually saying it.  There is truth to his suspicions and I am getting worse at denying to him there is truth and that I am not really thinking about a plan to leave.  There is also truth that he doesn't see.  He keeps telling me because he isn't calling me names or putting his hands on me that what he says isn't that bad or I am taking it the wrong way... pause and let it sink it. 

I have a very strong feeling he wants me to "get over it" and put it behind us because he knows the horrible things he did and he doesn't want to think about it.  It was in the past.  Neither of us can change what happened.  However, I need to allow myself to feel the feelings and process them appropriately.  There are times after we had an argument and I find flashes of past physical abuse creeps into my head and it crushes me.  I cry and tell myself that I never deserved that.  I find when that happens, it's like the keloid scar grows (as a previous person had mentioned).  I keep asking myself, how can you love someone after what they did.  If I came on here and did a separate posts, numbering off everything I can remember, I don't believe anybody on here, nobody would understand why I have stayed.   

Remind me again about his willingness to do individual counseling for himself (primarily) and joint counseling with you?

Is there a history here?

Note:  All of those things are able to help you take the time you need.  Ultimately you get it that it's about you taking the time you need, regardless of what he "wants".

He said counseling was helping.  I said you have this day off, you can make an appointment.  He tells me, it doesn't matter.  Fine.  I am done pushing him and fighting him to go.  I am the one making appointments for myself.  Counseling, doctors.  I am looking after my mental and physical well being, not him.  He won't even make time for individual counseling and the couple times I mentioned couples counseling, he scoffed at it.

[Cat Familiar]

There is truth to his suspicions and I am getting worse at denying to him there is truth and that I am not really thinking about a plan to leave. 

How about instead of denying (lying), you merely say, "I don't want to talk about that. I'm here with you now. Let's make the best of what we have."

He keeps telling me because he isn't calling me names or putting his hands on me that what he says isn't that bad or I am taking it the wrong way. 

Having experienced DV in my previous marriage, I know this maneuver: "Look I'm not hitting you or calling you names. What's your problem? We could be getting along fine, but you just have to keep bringing up the past. Will you ever let that go? I'm tired of always having to apologize for things in the past. Can't you just get over it?"

By contrast, just being civil, abusers seem to think that they're now knights in shining armor and they don't realize that civil isn't the same thing as kind or loving or considerate.

However, I need to allow myself to feel the feelings and process them appropriately.  There are times after we had an argument and I find flashes of past physical abuse creeps into my head and it crushes me.  I cry and tell myself that I never deserved that.  I find when that happens, it's like the keloid scar grows (as a previous person had mentioned).  I keep asking myself, how can you love someone after what they did.  If I came on here and did a separate posts, numbering off everything I can remember, I don't believe anybody on here, nobody would understand why I have stayed. 

I think you just defined C-PTSD in the above paragraph. I do understand why you stayed. I did that too, in spite of repeated abusive behavior. I just kept hoping that if I loved him enough, he would understand and would never hurt me again. Didn't happen.

He said counseling was helping.  I said you have this day off, you can make an appointment.  He tells me, it doesn't matter.  Fine.  I am done pushing him and fighting him to go.  I am the one making appointments for myself.  Counseling, doctors.  I am looking after my mental and physical well being, not him.  He won't even make time for individual counseling and the couple times I mentioned couples counseling, he scoffed at it.

That tells you about how motivated he is to pursue counseling on his own. You take care of yourself. You need to be strong and healthy, both physically and emotionally for your children. And you also need that to be an effective nurse. You will see a lot of damaged patients, body and mind, and the strength you will get from doing therapy will help you to be compassionate and understanding and to not take things personally.

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankee, I would like to second Cat in saying that I, too, experienced in my abusive relationship the notion that he was being "good to me" if he was not calling me names or putting his hands on me (yeah, for now, I would always say in my head). In fact, he used those words verbatim. He expected me to stop complaining and get over the past, because he didn't want to hear it, and he said that I was petty or vindictive because I couldn't let it go. How could I let it go when, first of all, he wasn't really sorry, and, second if all, it could happen again at any time.

And, like you, if I were to list all the things he did to me over the course of seven years, I would also think that no one else would understand why I stayed. I was ashamed that I stayed that long, until I got here, and people who had also been through it told me how they did the same thing.

Towards the end, I almost completely shut down. I wanted to leave, but I didn't know how I was going to do it. I had a part time job, I was in school, and I didn't know how I was going to take care of then-s2 by myself. I held all my feelings inside, trying hard to come up with a solution, but I didn't realize that I was also experiencing c-ptsd, and that was being triggered every time he started in on me.

I totally get where you are coming from. It's hard to explain to someone that you need time to process the feelings from the abuse they have heaped on you when that person denies or minimizes the impact of their behavior, and also is triggered by shame if you mention in any way that your mental and emotional health is suffering as a result of their actions.

It sounds like your h went to counseling with the goal of pacifying you and getting you to stay in the relationship, instead of getting to the root of his issues and actually improving his own emotional and mental health. He isn't getting the results he wanted (you singing his praises for minimal change and effort and fawning all over him for it) so he doesn't see the point in continuing because he isn't getting what he wants. My h used to criticize my efforts at counseling (when he stopped going) because he said wasn't making me any better. He wanted counseling to make me a solid rock that could withstand his constant abuse while still showing him attention, love, and support. Meanwhile, he continued to treat me in horrible ways and re-traumatize me. I used to tell him there was no therapy I could do and no pill I could take that would fix him.

[Frankee]

My 3 year old almost drowned yesterday.  My BIL was watching the boys.  They were out playing on the dock.  The 3 year old picked up the fishing net and leaned over to dip it in the water.  My BIL started to get up to pull him back and as he was getting up, my 3 year old fell in.  My BIL was able to dive and snatch him up before he went down beyond arms reach.  My BPH told me not to be upset with BIL, even though BIL can't swim, he didn't have a lifejacket on and they were playing on the dock.  Then BPH gets upset with me, saying ya'll have gotten relaxed around the water, you have stopped holding his hand on the dock, if I see him on the dock without his life floating device, he was taking him and leaving.  Somehow me being at work and my 3 year old almost drowning, turned into my fault.

How about instead of denying (lying), you merely say, "I don't want to talk about that. I'm here with you now. Let's make the best of what we have."

I think I will have to try this and see if I can bring down the situation a notch.

By contrast, just being civil, abusers seem to think that they're now knights in shining armor and they don't realize that civil isn't the same thing as kind or loving or considerate.

That's how I feel.  When I try to point out he is still being mean and saying pretty harsh things, he always says no I'm not.  Just because you evade name calling, physical threats, or keep the tone a certain way, doesn't change the impact of the words or blaming that happens or the blatant attempts to get me to explode.

I wanted to leave, but I didn't know how I was going to do it. I had a part time job, I was in school, and I didn't know how I was going to take care of then-s2 by myself. I held all my feelings inside, trying hard to come up with a solution, but I didn't realize that I was also experiencing c-ptsd, and that was being triggered every time he started in on me.

I feel like I am looking in the mirror.  I want to leave.  I know that deep down, that is what I truly have to do if I ever want to get better.  The magnetic pull I feel is very strong to him and I keep thinking, it will all get better one day, just keep hanging on.  It's getting better.  Truth is, he still has my ring and I have no real interest to get it back.  Honestly, I almost feel free looking down and not seeing it.  Very symbolic and it has impacted me more than I thought it would.

That tells you about how motivated he is to pursue counseling on his own. You take care of yourself. You need to be strong and healthy, both physically and emotionally for your children. And you also need that to be an effective nurse. You will see a lot of damaged patients, body and mind, and the strength you will get from doing therapy will help you to be compassionate and understanding and to not take things personally.

It sounds like your h went to counseling with the goal of pacifying you and getting you to stay in the relationship, instead of getting to the root of his issues and actually improving his own emotional and mental health. He isn't getting the results he wanted (you singing his praises for minimal change and effort and fawning all over him for it) so he doesn't see the point in continuing because he isn't getting what he wants. My h used to criticize my efforts at counseling (when he stopped going) because he said wasn't making me any better. He wanted counseling to make me a solid rock that could withstand his constant abuse while still showing him attention, love, and support.

I felt my heart skip a beat.  This is something he said to me the other day.  It doesn't seem like counseling is helping you.  He wants to blame counseling for me not "improving" at his pace.  He even declined EMDR because they said it would get worse before better.  His reasons, he needs to be right and more stable before he does it, yet scoffs out making another individual counseling appointment.  I looked up C-PTSD.  I am going to mentioned it to my doctor on Wednesday. 

It's strange feeling the way I do.  For so long, I was in the state of mind where I thought he would actually kill me when I left a year ago with the kids.  He even drove me to such severe depression that I left my oldest child with him, crossed state lines, and tried to kill myself, almost succeeded.  This why I keep asking myself, how can I still love him and still be with him.  I think I am finally coming to terms with, I can't.

I keep telling myself that I have to take the journey because it is making me stronger.  I want to be a nurse, help others.  All of my life lessons I have had so far I have taken away one thing.  What I want the most in life, will never come to me easy.  Everything I have today, I have worked very hard for.

[Frankee]

My bph is falling away from me.  I hear the pain in his voice, I saw the tears he tried to hide, expecting my comfort.  I saw the hurt in his eyes when I didn't tell him I love him until after he pointed it out.  All he said he wants is for me to show emotion.  Yet, standing in front of him, I felt nothing for him.  I even had to stifle a laugh when he says he is not going to put up with someone treating him the way I do sometimes.  My attitude and sarcasm, he was so tired of it all. 

I say I am feeling so bad I need medical help, he asks me, how long is he supposed to live this way.  Even when he was depressed, he still showed me he cared.  Was that after the countless beatings?  Lived in such terror of a man that I  look at and now see a man who doesn't deserve anymore of my love.

He wants me to show him I love him, he wants me to show him I care, tries to give me space, then tries to tell me if I don't want to talk, someone else will.  One day the secrets will come out and it will be all over.  Even said it could mean him running off with another woman.  I look at him and I still fell nothing. 

My soul is tired.  My heart is heavy.  What was supposed to be a new chapter in our lives has instead led me to a realization that, I fell out of love awhile ago.  I just had to wait for the rest of me to catch up.

[formflier]

  All he said he wants is for me to show emotion.  

 

He feels odd about things and wants YOU to fix it by showing emotion.   

As opposed to he feels bad and he cares for his feelings.

I've been thinking about this thread some this weekend because Frankee wants to be authentic/honest but also doesn't want to hurt her husband in the process.  I've been trying to help find balance.  Perhaps I have...try this on for size.

"Hey hubby...I appreciate your concern.  My feelings about a number of things are very complicated.  I'm taking steps to sort through those feelings as well as get medical care I need. Please give me space since I don't want to talk about things I don't yet understand."

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

I'm glad the three year old is ok after the water scare!  How are you doing with that incident..now that you have a little distance from it.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so glad your three year old is safe. I have a three year old, too, and my heart jumped when I read what happened.

I second FF, how are you doing with that?

[Cat Familiar]

What a close call with your son! So glad he's safe.  

I say I am feeling so bad I need medical help, he asks me, how long is he supposed to live this way...

You are asking for compassion, understanding, support. You need medical help and he turns it around and acts like he is a victim.

He wants me to show him I love him, he wants me to show him I care, tries to give me space, then tries to tell me if I don't want to talk, someone else will...it could mean him running off with another woman.  

He wants you to behave in a loving way and then gives you space (what, for a minute?) and then issues a threat that he will run off with another woman if you don't act the way he wants.

It's likely that he doesn't realize how unsupportive and unloving his behavior is. He is entirely focused upon his own needs and is seemingly oblivious to yours. He's overdrawn the emotional bank account the two of you have. He keeps withdrawing and isn't depositing anything. And this is becoming clear to you.

[formflier]

Frankee

I thought of you when I watched this video.

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=263587791260140

Thoughts? 

FF

[Frankee]

It was ironic. While I was watching that video, he calls me.  Asking what days does his brother need to watch the kids.  Somewhere along the line with me rechecking my schedule and telling him, I got confused with the dates.  Next thing I know, he blows up and cracks down hard.  Then comes homes, proceeds to get even more angry and said I was doing that thing I do, which I didn't know what he was talking about.

He wants me to show him that he matters and that I love him and this means something to me.

He is tired of feeling this way and he doesn't want to keep living like this.

He doesn't know if I am his wife or F buddy.

He says if the marriage ends it will be because I didn't want to talk.

It has been three days and he has waited for me to ask for my ring back.

He wants me to act how I use too.

When he was an abusive A*hole, I was all over showing him how much I loved him and cared for him, when he won't hear I did that mostly out of fear.  He doesn't believe it.  Now that he is getting better and has done all the things I asked him, I treat him worse.

It goes back to what everyone here on the post has been saying.  He's sucking out every bit of me, me , me.  I have done xyz for you, why aren't behaving the way.  You forgave me.. back then, why are you taking it back now.  We are moving on, just let it go. 

All I can hear is the roar of someone telling a depressed person... just be happy.  I let it go, why can't you.  Because you aren't happy, you don't want anyone else to be happy.

For someone who has the mental health issues he has and says he has been depressed, he really doesn't seem to understand a whole lot of the challenges I am going through.

[Cat Familiar]

All I can hear is the roar of someone telling a depressed person... just be happy.  I let it go, why can't you.  Because you aren't happy, you don't want anyone else to be happy.

For someone who has the mental health issues he has and says he has been depressed, he really doesn't seem to understand a whole lot of the challenges I am going through.

Frankee, do you want him in your life? Do you want to grow old with him? Do you want to do the work to forgive him and let the past go? Or do you want to let him go?