My 31 year old son

[CPH73]

I am new here and have been looking for help for so long.  I got the workbook "Walking on Eggshells" and that is where I found  bpdfamily.
I have no idea where to begin.  My son while an adolescent was always a loner except for one friend.  When he entered his teens he shut himself off from us emotionally.  We sought professional help and saw a number of Psychiatrists some of whom gave us terrible advice.  He saw a Doctor at Duke,  who was fresh out of medical school and my son related to her but I think he had a crush on her as she was only two years older than he was at that time.  I wrote to her and expressed my anxiety over my sons personality traits and she assured my husband and I that there was nothing wrong with my son's personality.  I gave her various examples of his mood swings, his self absobism his lack of empathy and every other sign that I noticed he had that related to BPD.  She still insisted he was fine he just might have low depression.  He had been diagnosed with depression as a teenager and ADD.  I felt this physician lacked the experience to help my son but he reaally liked her.
He got involved in a very heavy relationship that lasted for a little over 4 years and then one day he just broke it off and moved from the city he lived in to another city.  He does not openly share things with us and to talk to him makes me very nervous because I am never quite sure if something will set him off.  I sent him an email several months after he attended his Grandmother's Memorial service where he just stood in the corner and didn't associate with any other family members.  I sent him some information on personality disorders hoping he would read them and see himself.  He sent me back a scathing email telling me to never Google information and I was not a Psychiatrist and to stay out of his business.  He called me all kinds of names and hurt me very badly.  Our son is a only child and for his whole life we have tried to do everything for him that we thought was right.
I was 41 when he was born and so I was probably overly protective but was very much involved in all his school life until he reached middle school and he wanted me to "butt out"  After the scathing email from him I didn't have any contact with him for almost a month and then m husband called and asked if he would like to come for Easter which he sounded up beat and wanted to do.  He seemed to be very lonely and missed his girlfriend and would possibly like to reunite but not until she would change some of her stubborn ways.  I could go on and on about the years we have struggled with substance abuse and his rehab but I just wanted to touch base to see what other Mothers, or Fathers possibly had any relationships similar to mine that could share what they do.  I appreciate the opportunity to express myself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi CPH73 I am so glad you found us ! This is definitely the group for you. Lots of us have similar experiences. You are not alone. My DS24XPWBPD (dear son 24 diagnosed with BPD) also "splits" sometimes meaning he sees people as all good or all bad. When I am on the "bad" list he says very hurtful things. If you are reading eggshells (such a great choice of book!) then you probably already know a little about splitting. My best advice is to first and foremost NOT take it personally. PwBPD (people with BPD)  project all that negativity onto others as a way of coping with their own intolerable emotions not because we deserve it. My guess is he really wasn't ready to consider the possibility he may have BPD so, even though your intention was to help, he probably experienced your message as threatening. That said, having BPD is not an excuse for abuse. You have the right to establish boundaries such as walking away when he says something nasty or deleting mean emails. Like your son, mine is also an only child I had late in life. His father and I had such great hopes for him. Drug abuse and mental illness were certainly not part of those hopes. We had to mourn the loss of the child we thought we had in order to accept and love the person he is. My husband is still grieving this loss. I am a little more at peace about it. You are doing the right thing by reading up on BPD and posting here. You can't change your son but you can change yourself and there is  a LOT you can do to improve your relationship. The tools you are learning from the eggshells book really do work as many members here can attest to. How was Easter? Did your son come to visit? I take it he lives on his own. Does he have a job? Please share anything and everything you feel comfortable sharing. We are here to walk with you.

[Only Human]

Hello CPH73

I join Faith in welcoming you to  bpdfamily! Though I'm sorry you had to find us, I'm very glad you did. You've been through so much with your son. How old was he when he was seeing the Duke Psych? Often,  professionals are reluctant to diagnose a PD (personality disorder) in adolescents since their personalities are still forming. Nonetheless, you were advocating for your child and I'm sure it was frustrating that you weren't being heard.

He does not openly share things with us and to talk to him makes me very nervous because I am never quite sure if something will set him off. 

I can relate to the anxiety/being nervous talking and not being sure what, if anything, will trigger a negative response. I have found the communication tools here very helpful and wonder if you've had a chance to look around the site and if something you've read has helped you?

As Faith said, lots of us here have similar experiences, you are not alone. Keep posting and reading, and come back here with any questions or just to share more. We are all learning together.

Here's a good place to start, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE It has many of our best articles with links to more. We talk a lot about validation here and that's the first thing that started to make a difference in my relationship with my DD25. There's a link about Validation in the link above, here's an excerpt:

the message is that validation of feelings is vital to connecting with others and that the mutual validation of feelings is important in all phases of relationships including building, maintaining, repairing, and improving them. I underlined "mutual" to point out that we not only want to be validating, but we want to grow to be role models for our children and hope they also see the importance of validating others.

I hope you settle in and become part of the family, there is much to be learned and there is definitely hope.

Again,

~ OH