"having stuff" is an attempt to fill the hole?

[mamabolivia]

This post warrants it's own discussion and was split from here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336024.0

I'm interested about the spending more money... I've noticed with my DD and people with BPD that I work with and know that they hoard. Little cardboard containers, empty bottles, anything and everything - and they overbuy. Could it be that the "having stuff" is an attempt to fill the hole? And it's not about manipulating to buy more stuff/make you spend more than you have?

Dunno, thoughts anyone?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

good question, Mama B,
My BPD son doesn't hoard per se but he collects sneakers and clothes like crazy. He also places a great value on having lots of money. Maybe it is some kind of compensation. I wonder what thoughts and experiences others have.

[StressedOutDaily]

My BPD16 also likes to have stuff.   Since she was little she "hoards" all the writing utensils: pencils, markers, pens, crayons.  I would collect them from her room, put them away and within days they would be gone.   A year or so ago I cleaned up her room, and her desk...and collected 2 shoe boxes filled to the brim with markers etc...   She also takes all the envelopes. Doesn't matter how many times I tell her that she can take one whenever she needs one, to please only take them as she needs them...she takes stacks of them.  Paper and...tape - she could open a Staples with the stationary supplies she hoards.   

Also food...she doesn't have a huge appetite, but she wants to have more on her plate than anyone else...and then doesn't eat it. 

[Only Human]

Great topic! My DD25 has always collected/saved things and, like your DD, SOD office supplies top the list! She once had a Midol tablet against the wall in her bedroom and insisted that it not be moved. She even drew a circle around it (on the baseboard) and wrote on the wall, "DO NOT MOVE!" with an arrow pointing to it.

She would hide toilet paper in the bathroom in case we ran out, so she could have some.

I'm going to find a way to ask her about this practice as I think it's interesting as all get out!

~ OH

[BestVersionOfMe]

Mine accumulates and hoards. Frames from 15 years ago sitting in the garage, clothes under her bed never been worn in numerous bags, you name it.  Little items tucked away in  various drawers, nooks, corners, or bags all over the place almost like she is trying to hide them.  Receipts or business cards under her clothes in the closet, or sea shells in her sock drawer in the back corner.  So bizarre, it always blows my mind.

[Tazzer4000]

Its possible I suppose. My BPD d16 doesn't hoard but she is always trying to get me to buy her something.  Sometimes it's small like candy, sometimes it's big like $300 shoes. Sometimes it's for extra activities. I don't mind the occasional small treat and if I have the funds and it's a healthy activity I'll pay for it. It's the non stop requests for more that gets tiring. Even when told no or that there is no money for that extra she will persist, at times for hours. In her case, I don't think it's about hoarding and trying to fill the emptiness. I feel like it has more to do with her getting what she wants at any given point in time.

[Swimmy55]

Strangely enough, I hoard .  Books and papers.  My son was messy when he lived here . Maybe because he couldn’t keep a job to buy anything (but weed and booze).  Oh wait, he did have a collection of empty booze bottles in his closet.  They seemed to be a sick source of pride for him.

[1hope]

I’m finding this to be an interesting topic!  Our DD shows these tendencies too.  She “accumulates” things like craft supplies (which she sometimes uses), boxes, bags, journals and writing utensils.  She also buys things when she doesn’t need them.  She often tries to justify her purchases by saying they were on sale. 
We think that it is her way of trying to buy happiness and fill the void.  Stressed?  Buy something.  Anxious?  Go to the Dollar store.  Depressed?  Something new will make you feel better.
We find it such a change from when she was younger.  She was such a saver...saving up birthday money to buy  special items like an IPod when she was young. 
I’m interested in hearing what others are experiencing!
1hope

[SkellyII]

My BPD16 also likes to have stuff.   Since she was little she "hoards" all the writing utensils: pencils, markers, pens, crayons.  I would collect them from her room, put them away and within days they would be gone.   A year or so ago I cleaned up her room, and her desk...and collected 2 shoe boxes filled to the brim with markers etc...   She also takes all the envelopes. Doesn't matter how many times I tell her that she can take one whenever she needs one, to please only take them as she needs them...she takes stacks of them.  Paper and...tape - she could open a Staples with the stationary supplies she hoards.  

Also food...she doesn't have a huge appetite, but she wants to have more on her plate than anyone else...and then doesn't eat it.  

Wow! This is my BPDd16 in a nutshell! If you ever need a pen, pencil or paper, just search through the rubble in her room. the floor littered with trash, empty water bottles, etc. And the food thing, I grew up really poor so wasting food was a big non-no, but I've learned to grit my teeth and ignore it.

She used to stash her favorite leftovers in the closet in the spare bedroom, or in her dirty clothes hamper, but hasn't since two med changes ago (thank goodness). Of course her dirty clothes hamper is usually the floor.

[wendydarling]

It could be for some mamabolivia. 

Ha! My DD had the dream Saturday job at 16-18yrs working in Paperchase, art, office supplies, gifts and she received 50%discount!  She does not hoard. She does accumulate a huge amount of art materials, which is ok she's an artist. When DD was very ill her rooms looked like a bomb had hit. She's since gradually decluttered, let things go, kept what she values. Since the new year she practices 'The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying: The Japanese Art by Marie Kondo' which is great. I opened my drawer one day to find all my knickers tightly rolled.

We have a saying in our home, fill the 'hole' with DBT.

[Turkish]

My mother was a hoarder.  Like one the worst.  Her neighbors were remodeling and had room in their industrial dumpster.  Her neighbor told her she could use it to clear out some of the junk from her yard.  My mother walked away angry,  with chest pains and told her,  "you NEVER tell a hoarder to get rid of their stuff!" My mom didn't talk to her for four months.  My mom also popped expired nitroglycerin which were originally prescribed for her deceased husband. 

There's a lot to it,  but my T said that hoarding has its roots in "fear of loss."

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mamabolivia]

Wow! thanks for making this its own thread. So yes, filling the hole, yes fear of loss, I just find it bizarre... I know people who have bought themselves every single thing they were denied as a child. Bizarre. It's the only word I have. Thank you all for chipping in!

[Panda39]

Since the new year she practices 'The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying: The Japanese Art by Marie Kondo' which is great. I opened my drawer one day to find all my knickers tightly rolled.

 

My Partner's ex also hoarded things.  I always felt it was part of her particular brand of BPD because her family puts a high value on things, appearances, and money. So clothes and stuff were big on her list.  But that does not explain the need to keep piles of paper, magazines, old mail, coupons and the individual socks after the sock monster got the mate, and her mother's entire wardrobe after she died. 

So yes there are holes to fill...trying to keep up/be as good as the rest of her family, the feel good feeling of retail therapy and getting something new (which she would later return because she liked to have someone serving her), I think the paper was about being supermom/superwife being in the know about everything going on in the area, knowing where the "in places" are, getting the best deals etc.  Her mother's clothes, trying to hold on to her mother (she never wore any of the clothes just held on to them.) The socks...ummmm...got nothing for the socks   

I see several reasons like Turkish mentioned fear of loss, filling the "hole" but also strangely maybe an attempt at control.