Dealing with self harm

[powerup123]

I’m just wondering if anyone has a similar situation to us and how they deal with it. My son (DS22 ?) self harms but doesn’t like us to know about it. He gets very defensive if I ask about it and will deny that he does it. His arms are currently covered in bandages and he wears a long sleeved top (but I get occasional glimpses from his sleeve). I am aware that he attends a local hospital to get the dressings checked so I know he is accessing health care and while he won’t talk to us he has always been open about self harm with his mental health team.
I know not wanting to talk to us about it is partly due to not wanting us to know and therefore worry and also I think shame. When I first was made aware of his self harm after a particularly bad episode when his arm  was covered in deep razor blade cuts I burst into tears and found it difficult to cope with.
I have tried since then to not get upset when I have seen his injuries but I’m not very good at hiding my feelings and I think I’ve inadvertently added to his guilt and shame about self harming.
I feel torn between wanting to talk to him about it and not wanting to upset him so largely I go along with not mentioning it. I feel like he is so fragile at the moment that I really don’t want to upset him further and cause an episode of self harm but I don’t feel like I’m supporting him by not discussing it.
Communication is a big problem for us at the moment. My son sees his illness as his responsibility and nothing to do with us and will not talk about anything involved with it. Other than that our relationship is ok, he will talk about other things and he is never violent to us (only to himself). I know he loves us and he has told us previously that the only thing stopping him killing him self is worry about how it would affect his family.
I just wondered if anyone else had experience of dealing with self harm and non communication.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Power Up
I am glad to meet you although sorry for the circumstances. My DS24XPWBPD(dear son 24 diagnosed with BPD) cuts too. It is awful. I have come to understand that it is his way of trying to self sooth. Like your son he also tells us the only reason he does not suicide is because of what it would do to us. Sadly our son refuses therapy. It is GREAT that yours is getting help. I suspect you are right about the reasons why your son doesn't want to talk to you about his SH, feelings of shame, your reaction etc. That's OK. He has professionals he can talk to who are more "neutral." Does your son live with you? Does he go to school or have a job? Please share anything at all you are comfortable talking about. We are here for you on this tough journey.

[FaithHopeLove]

Why Do They Self Harm?

This article helped me understand the reason my son self harms. Here is an Excerpt
People can cut to feel something because they are so psychologically NUMB.  *OR* they can cut because there is such a bottleneck of so much psychological pain that it RELEASES some of that pain.

[powerup123]

Thank you for your reply Faith, that is very helpful. He is currently living at home with us after a long hospital admission and he is too ill to work or go back to college.
Xxx

[Yepanotherone]

Hello there powerup, I just wanted to say hello and to offer a little hope : regarding cutting and self harm , my daughter ( now 19!, diagnosed BPD at 15) has not self harmed in 2 years . She was a daily cutter when at her worst and her whole body is covered from neck to her ankles in scars , some very bad raised purple keloid ones particularly on her left arm . She also punched herself in the hips frequently until she was black and blue . The extent of her self harm literally made me sick and i totally understand how upsetting this is for you as a mum . I just wanted to give you some hope that it might get better xx
My daughter is now waiting for her appointment with a tattoo artist to cover up the worst of the scars on her arm . Thankfully the scars on her legs / breasts /hips have faded . Still noticeable if you know what you’re looking at , but not as horrifying as they used to look .

[powerup123]

Thank you Yep! That’s good to hear x