Communicating when daughter wants to split with me

[Angela28]

I have recently after many years realise (I think), that my daughter had BPD. At the moment she says she wants to cut off from me and her brother as it is the only way she can survive. She is 35 and although she did have a difficult childhood which I take responsibility for accuses me of abuse.
I am not sure whether to try and still communicate as just a benign message can result in an attacking response.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Angela28 and Welcome to  bpdfamily

I'm so sorry your daughter wants to cut off you and her brother. Many of us have been in a similar situation. You've come to the right place for information and support and I'm glad you reached out. You don't have to do this alone.

Can you tell us a little more about what's been going on? What led up to her cutting you off? Having more information helps us better know how to advise you.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Angela. I join Only Human in welcoming you to the group and assuring you that you have come to the right place for help and support. It isn't easy but many of us here, myself included, have been able to use what we learn here to improve our relationships with our children. I am sorry your daughter has decided to go "no contact" with you and her brother. Many people who have BPD do that. It is one of their defense mechanisms. Your daughter is probably being honest when she says this is what she needs to do - at least for now. Things may turn around in the future. For now you are doing exactly the right thing. You are here and you are open to learning more about BPD and how to be in relationship with people who have it. If in the future your daughter decides to be back in contact with you you will be much better equipped to do so in a healthy way. For now, I would tread lightly with her. Respect her choice to be NC and give her lots of space. Of course it is hard but, like you said, almost anything you say to her is met with an angry response. Give it time. What else can you tell us about your dear daughter? What behaviors of hers lead you to suspect BPD? Does she live with you or on her own? Does she have a job? Is she married? What is your biggest concern right now? Again  Welcome to the group.

[Angela28]

My daughter is single and does not have her own property and currently stays in Mexico for a couple of months and then returns to England and has been staying in a new apartment I own which I had been staying in but the last time she came back I moved out back to my partner who I had previously lived with. She had severe bulimia at 13 and attended drama school but has never had a “proper” job and I had supported her financially until a couple of years ago.
When she last came back she had been feeling suicidal and thought I would be able to help her but I spent every day with her and she said she thought I was an introverted narcissist, she may be correct and her childhood was difficult, her father left to live in another country when she was seven and I had several boyfriends who were not ideal. I have told both children how I now realise this must have impacted on them and have apologised many times. She was interested in dance and performance and I supported her in this and really any pursuit her or her brother wanted to follow.
We also had a difficult but close relationship until the last few months when she has started to say I and her father emotionally abused her by our behaviour when she was younger, which may be true to a large extent.
As an adult she and her brother have not had much contact at all with their father.
Until now we used to be in daily contact and she would contact me when she felt bad or suicidal. I now worry that she is cutting off from the one person who really loves and cares about her,
She has spoken about feelings of emptiness even as an adolescent and hating herself, recently we realised that she also had adhd.
I don’t know whether to say “I respect what you say about wanting no contact and it is awful for you to feel so alone and that I cannot provide the support you want but I will always be here if you want to get back in contact.”

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you for providing more details. I see it is a complex situation. Your concerns about your daughter going NC are valid. Still it is her choice.

I don’t know whether to say “I respect what you say about wanting no contact and it is awful for you to feel so alone and that I cannot provide the support you want but I will always be here if you want to get back in contact.”

That sounds just right to me. You are respecting her choice but letting her know you are still there for her if she needs you. I know this is hard. Have you thought about therapy for yourself as a form of self care?