BPD/NPD Mother and maybe NPD father

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi
I've been on here in the past but couldn't remember my info. It was very helpful at the time. I grew up with so much manipulative and verbal abuse from my parents it made me have a breakdown at one point in my life. I've really realized now at middle age how toxic my relationship has been with my siblings and even friends I had since high school. It was hard to make friends because I was being so verbally abused at home with my dad and didn't speak to my Mom for many years because she would physically attack me and then turn to family members and tell them what a horrible daughter I was and they would tell me how evil and terrible I was even though I was super shy. Really this started because I got a boyfriend and friends she was jealous of any friends. I never had any friends up until this point barely because she controlled so much I could barely speak. I def. think I was the scapegoat child. None of my siblings believe me or have my back when someone is cruel to me. My father had an affair with my mother and got her pregnant with me which she later told me my dad wanted me aborted which may be why he hated me my whole life and would call me horrible names and tell me how crazy my mother was, which she was from her abuse but then would tell me I'm horrible and just like her even though again I was actually a very sweet and shy child. My older brother was trained to also tell me I'm scary just like my Mom and its ok to be mean to me because I ruined his life by being born. My mother got ahold of my sister at a young age and turned her against me. My sister loves to put me down especially physically then deny what she said completely then when I get mad and yell at her she accuses me of bullying her. I do feel bad because I explode on her but she picks at me and is uses sarcasm until I explode and acts very secretive about her life like she is waiting for me to be a terrible  person then she runs to my other brother when I explode who comes to me asking how could I be so mean to her? I end up feeling bad and apologizing but she never takes responsibility for her actions and like I said she actually denies doing anything and brings up a long tally of every time I've lost my patience her as if it was out of nowhere. She tells me I'm just "too sensitive" and thats why my siblings will want nothing to do with me and I will be all alone then she also says how she needs them for emotional support to deal with me. This is a relationship I really don't know if I need to walk away from at this point. I've always tried to be loving and wanted closeness but this dynamic plays out over and over again. I know my Mom at one point when she was young when I wasn't talking to her trained her to think I'm a monster and it seems like thats all she wants to try to make me. It's easy to cut my parents off but since I'm the older sister and was given the roll of the mother over all my siblings its hard to cut them off. I can't stand getting mad at her anymore though. Its not fair to either of us and it makes me feel like a terrible person and question if it is all me but it feels like thats what she wants. I also can't take her put downs and wanting to know everything about my life and problems but acting very secretive about hers as if I don't deserve to know or l get treated like she does my Mom. I can't do it anymore. I'm grown now and I'm so tired of toxicity. Any advice about what to do and how to find healthy loving friends as a grown women after feeling muted my whole life? Thanks. 

[Cloudy009]

Hi
I've been on here in the past but couldn't remember my info. It was very helpful at the time. I grew up with so much manipulative and verbal abuse from my parents it made me have a breakdown at one point in my life. I've really realized now at middle age how toxic my relationship has been with my siblings and even friends I had since high school. It was hard to make friends because I was being so verbally abused at home with my dad and didn't speak to my Mom for many years because she would physically attack me and then turn to family members and tell them what a horrible daughter I was and they would tell me how evil and terrible I was even though I was super shy. Really this started because I got a boyfriend and friends she was jealous of any friends. I never had any friends up until this point barely because she controlled so much I could barely speak. I def. think I was the scapegoat child. None of my siblings believe me or have my back when someone is cruel to me. My father had an affair with my mother and got her pregnant with me which she later told me my dad wanted me aborted which may be why he hated me my whole life and would call me horrible names and tell me how crazy my mother was, which she was from her abuse but then would tell me I'm horrible and just like her even though again I was actually a very sweet and shy child. My older brother was trained to also tell me I'm scary just like my Mom and its ok to be mean to me because I ruined his life by being born. My mother got ahold of my sister at a young age and turned her against me. My sister loves to put me down especially physically then deny what she said completely then when I get mad and yell at her she accuses me of bullying her. I do feel bad because I explode on her but she picks at me and is uses sarcasm until I explode and acts very secretive about her life like she is waiting for me to be a terrible  person then she runs to my other brother when I explode who comes to me asking how could I be so mean to her? I end up feeling bad and apologizing but she never takes responsibility for her actions and like I said she actually denies doing anything and brings up a long tally of every time I've lost my patience her as if it was out of nowhere. She tells me I'm just "too sensitive" and thats why my siblings will want nothing to do with me and I will be all alone then she also says how she needs them for emotional support to deal with me. This is a relationship I really don't know if I need to walk away from at this point. I've always tried to be loving and wanted closeness but this dynamic plays out over and over again. I know my Mom at one point when she was young when I wasn't talking to her trained her to think I'm a monster and it seems like thats all she wants to try to make me. It's easy to cut my parents off but since I'm the older sister and was given the roll of the mother over all my siblings its hard to cut them off. I can't stand getting mad at her anymore though. Its not fair to either of us and it makes me feel like a terrible person and question if it is all me but it feels like thats what she wants. I also can't take her put downs and wanting to know everything about my life and problems but acting very secretive about hers as if I don't deserve to know or l get treated like she does my Mom. I can't do it anymore. I'm grown now and I'm so tired of toxicity. Any advice about what to do and how to find healthy loving friends as a grown women after feeling muted my whole life? Thanks. 

[Harri]

Hi Cloudy and welcome back.  I am so sorry you are in such a tough place with your family.  It is a lot to deal with.
 

Any advice about what to do and how to find healthy loving friends as a grown women after feeling muted my whole life? Thanks.

Part of the process is recognizing that you do have a voice and that you can speak.  Sometimes therapy is a huge help in getting to that realization.  It can also help with learning about boundaries and to begin the process of differentiation from your family.  We also work on this here on the board.

All of this is a long process but as we get more and more healthy ourself, we are naturally drawn to and attract more healthy people.

If you had to pick one thing to focus on, what would it be? 

[Cloudy009]

Thanks! Right now I guess after reading an article on NPD parents and the scapegoat child my focus would be how to handle my sibling relationships. Especially the dynamic which plays out with my sister. I know I need to learn to control my anger with her when she gets hurtful but it goes very deep with me because its the same pattern my Mom did to me. The article says for their own sanity the scapegoat often walks away from their whole family. I've already had to walk away from most of my Mom's side of the family because of how my Mom smeared me since I was a child. My grandmother finally believes me because my Mom started showing her crazy and abusive behavior towards her. With my siblings each relationship and the dynamic is different. I think the most confusing relationship is with my sister and I don't know how to solve it.

[Cloudy009]

P.S. My sister  saying she had to talk to my brothers for "emotional support" about me due to me getting mad at her instead of her owning up to her behavior and ever apologizing like I end up doing feeling bad and confused I take as a threat. Especially because she has used my one brother even while we were hanging out against me. She would make snide remarks to me or give me the silent treatment and then when I'd get mad she would run off and tell him and then he would scold me for being "mean" to her. Literally she would do this from room to room.  Last time we talked and got into an argument is when she said "your too sensitive and thats why we will want nothing to do with you and you will be all alone." I can only take this as a threat she is going to try to turn my brothers against me. I don't know if if she is BPD but the behavior pattern when it comes to me is strangely similar to what my Mom would do. My question for years has been does she treat others in her life this way or is this just a pattern she plays out with me she learned from my Mom?  Also feeling that she wants to smear me to my brothers makes me want to talk to them about it but then I would be doing what she does and I don't know how to talk to them about it without saying anything bad about her. One brother as I mentioned already was taught by my dad to put me down since we were kids. He is either very loving or very distant and cruel in his own way towards me and it goes back and forth. My sister even said how they are mean to me and I don't do anything as if her behavior should be ok.  This idea of using my relationship issues I have with my brothers due to my parents so she can turn them against me gives me so much anxiety.  I realized too recently before she said all this she kept asking me about my relationship issues with them so I would tell her about my issues with my one brother and she would say "If you hate him then why do you talk to him?" Which would catch me off guard  because I never said I hated him and she is the one who would bring it up which makes me scared she is going to go to him and say I hate him which I never said. She did. I know now that I can't share real information with her especially about my real heartfelt issues. I did ask my brother I have a fairly good relationship if its true he felt I was too sensitive and he didn't wanna talk to me and he laughed and said no. Again though I took all the blame and said I got mad at my sister and thats why she said this.  I guess I just need help on where to go from here?

[Harri]

I know now that I can't share real information with her especially about my real heartfelt issues

I think this is a good place to start.

I also think part of the problem with your siblings, including your sister, is that you all have certain roles that were established long ago and those are continuing now that you are adults.  It happens all the time and trying to shed that role takes a lot of work on our Self.  How we look at our self, how we look at the world and our relationships in it, and how we respond rather than react.

I guess I just need help on where to go from here?

I think you are on the right track in terms of trying to udnerstand the relationships as they are.  Focusing on you and your own behaviors and learning tools to help you cope and to differentiate from your family will go a long way in terms of helping you feel better about your interactions with them.  You can learn better ways to respond, you can also learn about boundaries and all of that will help even if you do decide to walk away.

[Cloudy009]

Thanks so much for taking your time to help me out! I agree I really need to set boundaries. I don't feel like I can walk away but its so hard when I really have tried to play a mother role which was really cast on me by my parents and Grandmother and she blames me for stuff like a mother. I have always given her though my whole heart and heartfelt advice and I get so little back accept someone I see now who no matter what I do wants to find fault in me and try to make me out to be a terrible person. I think realizing this I need to take a major step back and focus on healing myself now as we are grown anyway.

[Harri]

You don't have to walk away if you choose not to.  Some of us did not and managed to find ways to make it work.  No contact, limited contact and controlled contact all have positives and negatives and none are easier or harder than the other.   I chose not to cut contact so that I would be able to work on myself in real time so to speak.

I think realizing this I need to take a major step back and focus on healing myself now as we are grown anyway.

You can step back and work on you while setting boundaries and learning what drives your own behaviors and how to cope better.  Keep pushing, but carfully and keep posting so we can support you.