hiring a private detective

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Has anyone hired a private detective? I really feel something fishy is going on. My soon to be ex BPD/NPD husband is not sending his business travel lately (2 times) and refuses to send it when he's on the trip. Says he has "IT issues," or I can't remember what the other excuse was. We are still married and I thought for emergency sake he should send it. But, he's refused twice. Should I hire a PI to go to his house when he says "he's on travel" but hasn't sent the itinerary and check it out? He'd be sure to recognize me in my car, so I don't want to swing by. On two random occasions I accidentally ran into him. (So that's telling me don't spy on him myself.) A ton of what he does makes no sense and seems deceitful as I bet most separated relationships seem or become. I am really tempted to do this. As it's weird how he says "I'm not sure if you want my travel info." like for 13 years he has sent it when he goes on trips. Where is he going? How could we find out where he's going if it's not on business? I know that could be expensive! Thoughts? Or just let it go?

[12years]

Has anyone hired a private detective? I really feel something fishy is going on. My soon to be ex BPD/NPD husband is not sending his business travel lately (2 times) and refuses to send it when he's on the trip. Says he has "IT issues," or I can't remember what the other excuse was. We are still married and I thought for emergency sake he should send it. But, he's refused twice. Should I hire a PI to go to his house when he says "he's on travel" but hasn't sent the itinerary and check it out? He'd be sure to recognize me in my car, so I don't want to swing by. On two random occasions I accidentally ran into him. (So that's telling me don't spy on him myself.) A ton of what he does makes no sense and seems deceitful as I bet most separated relationships seem or become. I am really tempted to do this. As it's weird how he says "I'm not sure if you want my travel info." like for 13 years he has sent it when he goes on trips. Where is he going? How could we find out where he's going if it's not on business? I know that could be expensive! Thoughts? Or just let it go?

[AnuDay]

I say let it go unless you're trying to collect evidence for a divorce.  What's the purpose of your separation?  Is it just a trial divorce? or are you really going to divorce?  BPDs do all sorts of lying.  Is it worth your time or money to figure out what is a lie and what isn't?

[40days_in_desert]

I agree with AnuDay. Unless you highly suspect activity that might be dangerous for your children, I wouldn’t waste the money. PIs are fairly expensive...at least the good ones are. I’m assuming that you have children. Otherwise why would you need to have his itinerary?

[livednlearned]

Do you both have access to his finances?

[ForeverDad]

You are right to be concerned about trolling his residence.  while I doubt one drive past would be actionable, especially with no paperwork filed yet, the reality is you are too much of a Good Guy or Good Gal to fret over what *might* happen.  After all, he might try to file Stalking or Harassment claims.

A PI and other professionals can do what you can't, and probably more than you know is possible.  You have a stake in the game whereas the professionals are just doing their jobs.  Also, PI's are generally bonded and trained for their professions.

[worriedStepmom]

What do you want to get out of this?  If he is not on a business trip, how will that knowledge help you?

I assume you live in a state with no-fault divorce.  So if he has a girlfriend, it won't make that much difference.

Do you think there's something illegal going on?

If not, then it doesn't matter what he's doing.  Document that he told you he will not get the kids during X time frame.  You don't have to document *why* he says he didn't want them.  It would be up to him to prove that it was a legitimate business trip.

If he has a cell phone so that you can contact him if there is an emergency with the kids, then it's none of your business where he is.

[12years]

Thank you. I will let it go and livenlearned I do have access to finances, I just don't feel like going through all of it with everything else I have to do. I want someone else to see /catch him doing something, I am always thinking ahead, second guessing, it takes up a lot of time keeping up with this BPD/NPD? As well as the sheer amount of time I put into planning of the children exchanges and heading off any catastrophes (and avoiding the low blows) and being prepared financially, legally...on and on and on. But, I think I will decide next time he doesn't send his itinerary. Yes, I do have kids and yes that's why he sends his whereabouts (usually).

[12years]

Thanks for all the thoughts, everyone. Yes, I don't want to go by his place myself I want someone else to do it, he would surely see me. Since I won't know exactly when/what time the business trip is when he'd be there I would assume just not waste my time. But I am not sure how I would direct someone to his house, unless they could watch all day...

It's just interesting that he won't send the info regarding the biz trips, it doesn't matter because of course he isn't watching the kids, but it pisses me off. Will I be found out that I hired a PI?

I just feel he is way too moody and secretive (even more so) for something not to be going on!  Ok, so if he has a girlfriend and we are not officially separated is that considered cheating? It is right? That I would like to catch!

[MeandThee29]

It's tough, but ultimately he's in charge of himself.

My therapist would say accepting that is part of letting go of the bond and viewing yourself as an individual.

A cost-conscious attorney would say the same. If the payback really isn't there don't do it.

[MeandThee29]

I just feel he is way too moody and secretive (even more so) for something not to be going on!  Ok, so if he has a girlfriend and we are not officially separated is that considered cheating? It is right? That I would like to catch!

Many lawyers advise not to do anything one-on-one with a potential romantic partner during the process because it can affect alimony awarded by a judge. If you are cheating, you may get less alimony. If he is cheating, you may get more.

Ask your attorney if it is worth it.

[worriedStepmom]

It's just interesting that he won't send the info regarding the biz trips, it doesn't matter because of course he isn't watching the kids, but it pisses me off.

That's the point.  You have the kids during this time, he doesn't.

So why do you need to know where he is?

My ex and I are pretty friendly.  He lets me know when he is going to be on business trips if it means he won't have the kids on a scheduled time.  I usually have no idea where he is going, or when he is leaving and coming back.  It doesn't matter.

Yes, when we were married I'd have all the details, but we aren't married anymore.  You are still legally married, but you are separated, and there's nothing wrong with your STBXH setting boundaries about what information that you need to know.

[GaGrl]

If your primary reason for wanting his business itinerary is the need to contact him with an emergency with the children -- you have his cellphone contact info, and it doesn't matter where he is if you can call or text him.

If your reason for having his business itinerary is to hire a P.I. to determine where he is and whether he is dating/cheating -- it's just not worth it. The only way you are "officially" separated would be if you reach the point of a temporary order for the divorce to move forward, or if you get a Legal Separation, which frankly is as complicated as a divorce.

Many people start dating as soon as one person moves out of the shared domicile. Your STBX may be someone who feels this is OK. You might want to include in temporary orders that there will be no overnight guests when the children are at the residence (applies to both of you), but you can't control whether he chooses to date.

[formflier]

I've hired private investigators. 

If it's just a drive by of the house you are looking for I think you are money ahead to rent a car and do it yourself.

I'm not suggesting you should do that, but for the information you are trying to get (does he appear to be at home) hiring a PI is going to be pretty expensive for what you will get..especially compared to renting a car.

All that being said...I'm not exactly sure what you will accomplish or are trying to accomplish.  Clarify that first and then decided how to get information.

FF

[40days_in_desert]

I agree with others here in that you need to decide what you are trying to gain. Ask your lawyer about adultery in your state. In Georgia for example, adultery has to be proved to have caused the end of the marriage. If you’re already separated, it would be hard to take the stand that adultery caused the end of the marriage. Even if you were able to prove adultery, what would you want to gain? It has much less of an impact on the financial piece  than most people think regarding divorce. It can be a big deal if you are the one possibly the one paying him spousal support.
In my case, I didn’t want to go the adultery route because I didn’t want to put our kids through that. Especially since my oldest daughter is the one who caught her mother one of the times.