i feel like my partner is jekyl and hydish and i'm so torn

[truthbeknown]

My partner hates labels; she hates it if I try to describe her behavior and talk about what she is doing.  I suppose because she grew up with a very narcissistic mom who was very critical.

I've spent the last year in a long distance relationship with her and I think the dynamics are getting the best of us. 

She has wonderful qualities when she is in balance but then there are some things that drive us apart. She is a student on a visa and she is very paranoid about things related to that.  But most importantly she tends to let her paranoia get in the way of our relationship.  She doesn't seem to have the ability to separate me from her past wounds and from her paranoia about her current situation.

She can be very sweet, gentle and kind but then switch on the drop of a dime to a very demanding "almost toddler like"  behavior pattern.  The worst part is after she says things to hurt me she gets mad if I try to defend myself and by defending myself I start doing that pattern that is talked about on here where I'm pointing out what she is doing to contribute to the problem. 

I guess here I am trying to work this out with others who understand.  I don't know if I have the stamina to go the distance with someone who takes me up to great heights and that I spend all my free time video chatting with (because we are LD) but then drops me from 10k feet when she feels threatened or scared about something.

Last night we were taking turns reading to each other (self help books) and then she read something that the author said that went like this:

" the people that are the most harsh in life are those that don't trust anything or anybody or that use relationships as a means to an end."    There was a pause after she read this and then the barrage of projection began.  She went into a paranoia that I felt that she was just using me to get citizenship over here.  The way it expressed was like this  : " the one that wants to be with me (partner) will know the truth about me."  I was triggered by the "the one" because it feels like it discludes me versus includes me.  About a month ago I had a long conversation with her about how her statements like this make me feel disconnected from her and make me feel like she is just looking for the best suitor.  I told her is she didn't believe me to ask others how they would react to that statement (of course she didn't).  She did apologize but last night it was like she completely forgot about our past conversations and she goes into her needs and completely forgets about me as if she is the only one in the relationship.   I've done whatever I can to help her feel more secure including recognizing her feelings when she is upset. 

It's exhausting and today I hit a wall.  She called me in the morning and was angry so didn't talk.  Anyway things escalated and at the end of our conversation she told me that i'm very critical of her etc.  (meanwhile she was raising her voice at me about a number of things).  We both started getting into raising our voices because the adrenaline was flowing. 

I said last night that i wanted to get off the phone before we said something that could hurtful because we were both triggered.  She wouldn't let me go and continued to interegate me and i finally blew it and said MY true fears about her.  I told her that i didn't want to be married to someone who doesn't work on themselves and who won't get counseling for their problems.   She can't get over this comment and is twisting it into me meaning that "she is broken but i'm the perfect one".   I really hate being in this position.  It's not my nature to act supreme to people as i have a mom that is like this.  So in fact i go out of my way to be patient etc with people and usually get taken advantage of because of this.  Being painted like this versus her telling me re-assuring things has me losing hope for our future.  I'm very sad that this is a dynamic that I would have to deal with if i continue on with her.  I would hate to lose the good parts of her but i don't know if i can take this jekyl/hyde behavior.  I am not saying that i'm perfect- i know i have flaws.  But I just wish that she could get help but she won't right now.  So it puts me in the position that when i set boundaries or defend myself that she digs in and defends her position. 

I'm tired. sad.  frustrated.   I feel like i must be flawed for wanting to be with someone who can switch things on me like this.  I would have to marry her to get her over here in this country and i'm afraid that things won't improve after I would marry her (she is claiming all her stress relates to this).  But not once has she said "my name, you're the one i want to be with for the rest of my life.  you the person i love."  instead , i hear "the one who i am going to be with is the one who understands me ... " etc.   She just doesn't get what i need to feel secure with this kind of relationship. 

so i'm conflicted!  don't know if i should ask for a break to work on ourselves or what.  I know once she calms down and gets over her anger then she will switch back into "lovey/dovey" side of herself again.  It's just that i remember the bad arguments and stress and it discourages me. 

[Cat Familiar]

Even in a long distance relationship, you're seeing some patterns that give you concern about the future. She can switch on a dime and get paranoid, project her own issues on you, and says things to intentionally hurt you.

You get defensive and point out what she's doing and then it all goes downhill from there.

You have suspicions that she is looking for "the best suitor" rather than her feeling like she wants to be your forever person.

She feels that you are judging her and thinking that she is defective.

You'd have to marry her to get her to live in your country. With what you know now, what is the likelihood that this would be a step you'd want to take?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey tbk, The Jekyll & Hyde behavior you describe, I'm afraid, is in my view part and parcel of the BPD package.  You can't have one without the other.  I'm sure she will return to her "lovey/dovey" side, as you suggest, just as I'm sure she will return to her childlike rage and hurtful side.  It's a cycle, my friend, that's not going to go away anytime soon.  How you handle it is the issue.  Is it something you can work around, or not?  Only you can figure out the answer.

LuckyJim

[truthbeknown]

hey guys- thanks for the responses.

Cat familiar:  yes the marriage thing scares me in general because of my past failed marriage, and how a partner will integrate with my family.  The truth is my family is dysfunctional to begin with and this will more then likely add stress. 

Lucky Jim: yep, she returned to "lovey/dovey" side.   I have found out something about her that contributes to her behavior.  I'm glad this is an anonymous board because I feel strange revealing this but it is important for me to say I think.  She is hypersexual and uses self pleasure to get herself to go to sleep many times.  We have talked about how over masturbation can throw her brain chemistry off and make her sort of crazy.  She went one whole month without doing it and we had no arguments and no crazy side of her came out.  There is a book by Marnia Robinson called "Cupids poison arrow" where they help couples based on the theory that some people are so affected by the dopamine swings in their brains after sex that they will fight and have arguments and it can basically bring out the worst in them.  Robinson says it's not everyone but she tells her own story about how she fixed this problem and have gone on to help hundreds if not thousands of people who are sex addicts.  Many of the sex addicts they work with now are men who over-use porn. 

So I bring this up for several reasons.  First, I have noticed a difference when she obstains versus when she doesn't.   Second, I have a big decision to make because falling in love with someone who has an addiction of any kind is tough but if this is driving her brain chemistry and she won't stop then I could expect a lot more highs and lows.    Yes I love the "lovey/dovey" side of her and maybe my brain is addicted to that.  I'm exploring all these thought processes and maybe my story can help others who haven't looked at this angle here?

The challenge is that I don't know if i'll be able to convince her to live with me before first because of her culture she would be shamed if she moved in with me before being married.  So there is a lot of pressure on her to get married and stay here (in US)/ (her Mom and sister have secured their status here).   

I'm also using this situation to explore the depths of my being and understand what needs i'm getting in this relationship or any relationship.  There are tons of positives about her when she is not in "hormone" crash mode but there is no guarantee she will get the help she/we need either.

[Cat Familiar]

Hormones certainly can exacerbate BPD traits. It sounds like you are hoping that this approach you mention will eliminate the Jeckyl and Hyde behavior. If she truly has borderline traits, it might minimize it somewhat, but you'll still experience the cycles.

You're hoping that she will put aside her cultural values and live with you as an experiment before you decide to marry her. That's a big risk for her. She will be then viewed as "damaged goods" should you choose not to marry her.

Already you're seeing major issues and you are in a long distance relationship. Those issues are likely to show up much more quickly should you live together.  

[truthbeknown]

Hormones certainly can exacerbate BPD traits. It sounds like you are hoping that this approach you mention will eliminate the Jeckyl and Hyde behavior. If she truly has borderline traits, it might minimize it somewhat, but you'll still experience the cycles.

You're hoping that she will put aside her cultural values and live with you as an experiment before you decide to marry her. That's a big risk for her. She will be then viewed as "damaged goods" should you choose not to marry her.

Already you're seeing major issues and you are in a long distance relationship. Those issues are likely to show up much more quickly should you live together.  

I guess i'm wondering if it's all because of the long distance and will get better if we live together.  So much of a risk for both of us in different ways.   A friend of mine married someone from abroad and they are having issues like many couples do but mostly he feels that they are doing well.  His statement about foreign relationships was this:  " In USA there is at least 50% divorce and so there is no guarantee in relationships anymore.  If I married someone over here it may not work out and then the process is the same." 
He was in a relationship with a BPD woman before his current wife. 


The truth is it's scary out in relationship land these days and I don't know how one can feel totally safe in relationships these days.  Since being divorced I have had several relationships and I could see selfishness and demandingness in those people and one cheated so how do I find the magic formula for what I want?


I don't know whether she has BPD for sure and that's why I come to the board to get other opinions but I don't know what to do that's why I posted in conflicted group.  thank you for feedback.

[formflier]

I don't know whether she has BPD for sure and that's why I come to the board to get other opinions but I don't know what to do that's why I posted in conflicted group.  thank you for feedback.

I would hope you would focus less on a label/diagnosis..and focus more on behavior.

Is she doing things that lead you to believe moving forward is a wise move?

FF

[GaGrl]

My DH married his first wife, who is uNPD/BPD, when he was stationed in Thailand during the Vietnam War.  They had a Buddhist ceremony but did not register the marriage at the government office, because for some reason (and apparently it still holds true), it is easier to get a fiancee visa than a marriage visa.

During the time between the unofficial ceremony to the time they returned to the U.S., there were red flags -- rages, jealousy, the inability to accept "no" as an answer or any restrictions to what she wanted -- but DH attributed it to immaturity. He truly believed that once she was in the U.S. and in a good, Christian marriage, she would be fine.

That was not the case. DH's sister heard her telling a friend that she had married DH to get to the States, she tried to isolate DH from his family, and her history of infidelities started a little over a year after the marriage. The rages continued, many over differences that were values/culture based.

The biggest issue on DH's side -- he felt enormously obligated because he had brought her half-way around the world, where she had to master a new language, adjust to a new culture, make new friends, and was alone much of the day due to DH's work schedule. It was unthinkable to DH to separate/divorce and have to wonder if she was OK in a new country. So yes -- FOG. Fear of her rages and disparagements, obligation and guilt twisted together because he felt responsible for having brought her to the States where she still wasn't happy.

I would say it would be a good exercise to think about how life would look two years down the road if behaviors don't improve. Do you experience FOG and stay? Do you separate and let her navigate a new country alone? Does she return to her home? What is different if/when children arrive?

[truthbeknown]

The biggest issue on DH's side -- he felt enormously obligated because he had brought her half-way around the world, where she had to master a new language, adjust to a new culture, make new friends, and was alone much of the day due to DH's work schedule. It was unthinkable to DH to separate/divorce and have to wonder if she was OK in a new country. So yes -- FOG. Fear of her rages and disparagements, obligation and guilt twisted together because he felt responsible for having brought her to the States where she still wasn't happy.

I would say it would be a good exercise to think about how life would look two years down the road if behaviors don't improve. Do you experience FOG and stay? Do you separate and let her navigate a new country alone? Does she return to her home? What is different if/when children arrive?

she is over here on a student visa and has her mom and sister here.  If it didn't work out between us now she still has 2 years until her student visa runs out.  She is paranoid that things will change and she may not be able to extend after that.  I feel the pressure because I wanted to live with someone before committing to marriage again.   we both don't want children but accidents happen so that is something to think about too. 

[Cat Familiar]

she is over here on a student visa and has her mom and sister here.

How often do you see each other and how far apart are you currently?

If it didn't work out between us now she still has 2 years until her student visa runs out.  She is paranoid that things will change and she may not be able to extend after that. 

So the clock is ticking for her and she wants to establish permanent residency?

I feel the pressure because I wanted to live with someone before committing to marriage again.   we both don't want children but accidents happen so that is something to think about too. 

You're each feeling pressure. It makes sense that you'd want to live with someone before marriage, after experiencing a divorce. However, this is a huge cultural difference. What other cultural differences are you likely to encounter with this relationship?

[truthbeknown]

How often do you see each other and how far apart are you currently?

So the clock is ticking for her and she wants to establish permanent residency?

yes but when she gets insecure (which she does admit to and apologize for), she says things in third person (which may be a language cultural thing) like "the partner who is going to live with me is going to..."  I've asked her after she her emotions subside "do you think saying those things makes me your partner feel secure?"  she says "no".   But i'm concerned about the cycle and when her insecurities come out so do mine.  She thinks I should be stronger then her and not "match" her insecurities.

You're each feeling pressure. It makes sense that you'd want to live with someone before marriage, after experiencing a divorce. However, this is a huge cultural difference. What other cultural differences are you likely to encounter with this relationship? I think one is that it is either black and white.  People either want to be with each other or not- so if i'm not going to ask her soon then she will feel more insecure.  Other then that she's pretty Americanized.   

sometimes I feel like I may be adding to her insecurities because i'm not sure about marriage in general.  I'm trying to ask myself questions like "is it the fear of marriage in general?" or "is it that i'm not ready?" or have I been too traumatized?"  or "am I seeing things that scare me and I should be concerned?"   I really am trying to get clarity but it's hard in a long distance situation.  I would feel more secure if we lived in the same town but i'm not moving to where she is because the jobs are better here and I have family here.   She at first said she was willing to move where ever needed but in the last two months she has been more resistant unless a proposal comes her way and even then a few times she has said, "there are seasons in relationships and maybe it's your season that I live where you want to be but later I have my own season."    To me that indicates in the back of her mind and down the road she will push to move somewhere else.  She doesn't realize how those comments make me feel insecure or tap into my insecurities.   That might be a cultural difference? not sure.

[formflier]

Hey..wait...let me make sure I understand this.

Few questions.

How much time have you spent together (not long distance).  Give me a total and then break it down into stretches of time (if applicable)  So..something like this.  2 year total relationship  1.5 years long distance.  together for 2 1/4 year stretches of time.  Haven't been together for 6 months. 

I think you get the idea.

Then...just confirm...you are NOT engaged now.

You aren't going to move there because of jobs...and she isn't going to move to you because of no engagement.  (please make sure I have that right)

What kind of work does she do?  What are her job prospects where you are?

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey tbk, Don't be pressured into a proposal.  Sometimes it's good to take a step back and just wait to let the water clear.  You don't have to do anything, unless you decide to do it.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  What is the right path for you?

LJ

[truthbeknown]

Hey..wait...let me make sure I understand this.

Few questions.

How much time have you spent together (not long distance).  Give me a total and then break it down into stretches of time (if applicable)  So..something like this.  2 year total relationship  1.5 years long distance.  together for 2 1/4 year stretches of time.  Haven't been together for 6 months. 

June will be one year of knowing each other.  Saw her first in Sept. last year.  have spent weekends together total of 4 times.   Been in a virtual relationship pretty much because of the distance.  Was hoping to "close" the gap as they say in long distance relationships but some new developments popped up yesterday that may shed light on what the real problem is with her moving.

I think you get the idea.

Then...just confirm...you are NOT engaged now.   CORRECT

You aren't going to move there because of jobs...and she isn't going to move to you because of no engagement.  (please make sure I have that right)

What kind of work does she do?  What are her job prospects where you are?  She's in the home health industry.  not sure now because I think she has kept another secret from me about this.

FF

[truthbeknown]

new development:

my partner is not telling me the whole truth about something again.  She originally did this with her status because when we met she said she didn't "know me".  I  can except that but I told her back then that I didn't like to be lied to and or have important things omitted that would affect our relationship.  I told her that I felt like omitting was similar to kids who don't want to tell their parents something because they know they would get in trouble or judged.  In essence, the classic teenager lies because  they are trying to establish autonomy and are realizing they may be going against some parental rules so it's better to hide out of shame of this.   

Anyway, she was supposed to send me a letter describing what was going on and she send me some letter in code (meaning using fictional names to describe characters and events).  I didn't understand it but she is too paranoid to talk over video chat for fear that someone is listening.  I get that we may have "big brother" issues these days but I'm not getting why she couldn't be real in a letter?  I think she believes the mail is read?  anyway, now her paranoia is making me paranoid that she is withholding something that she shouldn't be doing and that is why she is afraid to tell me.

Furthermore, last night after I read the proverbial "code letter" I confronted her on why she would not have talked to me about this when I saw her last month if it was important to know?  she came up with a ton of excuses which I didn't feel good about. 

I got off the phone late with her and one of my friends (who she met and happens to be female) reached out to me to share some stuff that was going on in her life.   I took the call and it went on and on for a few hours.  I did not talk about my gf.  This friend was talking about her work and relationship issues and it was a good distraction for me given the fact that I needed a break from talking to my gf.   Well, I realize now I should have texted the gf to tell her that we'd talk tomorrow but I didn't and then she found out I was talking to someone and all hell broke loose.  She was severely angry with me now and I felt like it was over the top.  I even told her that I was sorry but she is still not justified to be this angry because I told her who I was talking to and if I was having an affair with another woman why would I tell her that I was talking to her etc.?  In other words, i'm very transparent but i'm not without fault.  I should have sent a message to my gf to let her know I didn't think talking before we went to bed was going to work out last night.  I have to own that.   But after I apologized she kept trying to interrogate me about my conversation.  She was probably paranoid that I was talking about her.  In the past she has wanted me to validate her hurt feelings and I asked if she was hurt to just let me know rather then interrogate me.  I then validated her hurt feelings and she told me "___ you".  I said, " I can't believe you just said that to me and I won't tolerate any verbal abuse."  I hung up our video chat and did not pick up the phone afterwards.  She left me an apology text but I still don't feel it's genuine.   

I answered back this morning and told her that I won't stand for any verbal abuse and if she wants to talk to me this weekend then I need her to tell me what she is going to do work on herself or get help because she has anger issues after she "faps" or has an orgasm and it totally turns her into another personality.  It doesn't look good guys.  I love her but not willing to put my whole life on the line for someone who is unwilling to get help or who keeps withholding information from someone who is trying to move forward in a relationship with them. 

I've been in the rescuer position before and maybe this is a test to see if I can allow myself to step out of that role and make someone take responsibility for themselves.    I do have fears that I may not ever find a healthy match for me in this lifetime.  I had so much hope for this one because she has tried to do some things to make amends in the past but the withholding info, the emotional dysregulations that come from her self sexual stimulation are damaging our relationship. 

I'm feeling very sad and hurt right now because I feel it is so hard to find healthy partners these days.   Feeling like if this doesn't work out i'll just wind up giving up on relationships?  is that normal ?

[Cat Familiar]

How she is behaving now in a LDR gives you a good roadmap for things to come should you pursue a closer relationship.

You've been a rescuer before. What motivates you to choose women who need rescuing? And why not pursue relationships with emotionally healthy women?

[truthbeknown]

I have heard from other women that long distance makes them "crazy" so I guess I assumed things would be better when together.  last time we were together there was one blip of insecurity and then another when leaving for the airport.  Most seemed to have to do with rejection issues.  I suppose I tell myself that if we were in the same town or lived together it would fix the rejection issues.  But maybe i'm lying to myself? 

[Cat Familiar]

I think many members have had the experience of their partners "holding it together for a time" before they let the BPD out front and center. This is also referred to as the "honeymoon phase".

If she truly has BPD or BPD traits, you will definitely experience them at some point. From what I've observed personally with a LDR and from the accounts I've read, it's far easier for a pwBPD to suppress the BPD acting out when they live a considerable distance away. The intimacy and closeness is what brings it to the surface.

[Hopeandjoy]

I know how much it hurts to hear those things she says when she's mad, esp in contrast to the way you feel during her lovey dovey times.
If she were a stranger or a psychopath I wouldn't ignore anything she's saying. But if she has BPD and you know her well enough, i think it's best to translate what she really means, since pwBPD are indirect most of the time. Like i know my bf when he's lying, i also know when he's not lying, so I know who he actually is. I know when i should worry about what he says. i also recognize when he's speaking from a place of fear and it's just irrational, i know that he doesn't mean those things the way they come out. But it is still difficult to hear and the words stick in my head.

I think it's good to weigh all the options about taking a break. From my experience, pwBPD are comfortable taking a break if they initiate it, meaning they go silent until they get worried you could find someone else and then they call you up. If you initiate a break, she is more likely to start doing this herself, without transparency for you. if you ask her for a break, she will imagine all sorts of things and if you're back together she will worry about what you did during that time. She is also likely to take revenge, even to perceived threats.

In my opinion, when you feel overwhelmed by the relationship it's best to focus on individual behaviors and tackle them one at a time. Writing them down helps. You can get information online for individual issues, you can try different things, you can get support here.

At the same time I believe its wise to decide what your limits are and how much time you're willing to spend working on it. It's also good to establish some boundaries that enable you to focus on your life, do things you enjoy so you have good memories to look back on regardless of what happens in this relationship.

[truthbeknown]

I know how much it hurts to hear those things she says when she's mad, esp in contrast to the way you feel during her lovey dovey times.
If she were a stranger or a psychopath I wouldn't ignore anything she's saying. But if she has BPD and you know her well enough, i think it's best to translate what she really means, since pwBPD are indirect most of the time. Like i know my bf when he's lying, i also know when he's not lying, so I know who he actually is. I know when i should worry about what he says. i also recognize when he's speaking from a place of fear and it's just irrational, i know that he doesn't mean those things the way they come out. But it is still difficult to hear and the words stick in my head.

How have you determined what you can tolerate or not? I have never had a partner who said "___ you" to me and was that dysregulated in the moment.  I'm sure she was pissed that I was talking to another woman but what's alarming to me is that I want a partner who can tell me what they like and don't like in a mature way.   When she is dysregulated it's all about her "perceived pain" and her assumptions and paranoia's go way to the end of the scale. I know it's because she is afraid etc but the spill-over to me is what i'm evaluating.  I have talked to her about what enmeshment is and asked her not to make me her and visa versa.   What's scary is that if she is negatively putting herself in my shoes then she may see herself cheating or doing something wrong and therefore thinking that this is what I am doing?  I'm not assuming that but i'm imagining some possibilities for her over-reaction and control to some things.  I have told her that I had a partner who was over jealous before and things ended poorly because of it.   She is picking up where that partner left off and that triggers me and concerns me. What keeps you in the relationship with your bf?  how are you able to make yourself feel okay about the bad episodes?  were or are you LDR?  I worry that things are going to get worse and I'm sure she picks up on that.  I treat her like normal - meaning that I don't consciously avoid things that might set off someone who has BPD.  I guess I just want to be able to be me without having to be a psychologist with my partner and strategically navigate every step for fear of a land mine popping up.  Then when the land mine pops up I wind up critiquing myself for the misstep which is a sign that i'm enmeshing back with her (ugh). 

I think it's good to weigh all the options about taking a break. From my experience, pwBPD are comfortable taking a break if they initiate it, meaning they go silent until they get worried you could find someone else and then they call you up. If you initiate a break, she is more likely to start doing this herself, without transparency for you. if you ask her for a break, she will imagine all sorts of things and if you're back together she will worry about what you did during that time. She is also likely to take revenge, even to perceived threats.   

I'm glad you pointed this out because that's a criteria I hadn't thought about.  Yes she has been okay when she takes a break (ie hangs up on me, takes messenger off her phone so I can't reach her etc.) but not okay when I do because as you say she is thinking the worse.  Thinking about this may lead me to believe that she does have BPD traits because of her rejections issues.  I have thought of it as double standard behavior.  There are plenty of things she doesn't like that I do but then she is okay with doing the same things.  I used to point this out and then she would get angry because she doesn't like labels.  So she asked if I can just acknowledge when her feelings are hurt.  I fought this because she wouldn't acknowledge mine and also I didn't want to re-enforce or validate negative behaviors.  But within the last month I started doing it and after the last conflict I told her that I would do the same thing then.  So when she has done double standard behavior with me then I say things like "please acknowledge that you hurt me because you are doing the same thing to me that you don't like."   She had responded well to that (almost giddy) until 2 nights ago.  I validated her hurt feelings like she has asked me to do and she said "___ you" and that's where I lost it and told her that she crossed a line and I was getting off the phone.  It was also the first time in about 6 months that I have NOT given her a time when I would call back.   That was part of one of our agreements and I broke it because she broke a fundamental value in relationships for me- to not be verbally abusive to a partner.  I have never called a partner a name or cussed at them and to me it's the ultimate form of disrespect for a relationship.   So I sent her a text the next morning explaining how I felt and what I expected.  I told her I wanted yesterday off to reflect and then we can talk on the weekend but that I wanted her to tell me what she is going to do to get help with her anger issues etc.   We'll see as you say maybe because she didn't initiate she won't call me this weekend in order to reciprocate "perceived punishment".   If that happens as much as I love her I think I will have to bow out of the relationship and go into my mourning stage. 

In my opinion, when you feel overwhelmed by the relationship it's best to focus on individual behaviors and tackle them one at a time. Writing them down helps. You can get information online for individual issues, you can try different things, you can get support here.

okay I admit i'm bad at this.  all of her bad behaviors feel cumulative for me because I have had a divorce from a BPD woman and have had several failed relationships after that, so I am hyper sensitive for looking at these patterns even though on the other hand I consider myself pretty tolerant or else I would have been out of this already.  I get hard on myself because I think i'm too tolerant for one thing and for another I can't understand why I can't seem to get in a relationship with someone who is healthy.  If this doesn't work out I may just give up on romantic relationships because I feel mentally tired of going through this time and time again. 

At the same time I believe its wise to decide what your limits are and how much time you're willing to spend working on it. It's also good to establish some boundaries that enable you to focus on your life, do things you enjoy so you have good memories to look back on regardless of what happens in this relationship.

last night I went dancing.  I have wanted to for awhile but she feels rejected by me wanting to go without her.  As you say, I think she assumes the worse and because of her paranoia she believes i'm going to get hit on and sleep with someone else.  It makes me worry that she would do the same then if that is her belief.   But it felt good and freeing to just be myself.  There were people there that are regulars and it is an older crowd as well.  Most are there just to enjoy dancing.  One couple has been together 46 years.  They are so happy dancing out on the floor and I feel like those type of relationships are so rare these days.  I was happy for them but a little sadness for me because that is really what I want,  a loving partnership without all the drama.  Not sure if it's in the cards for me?

[Hopeandjoy]

To determine what i tolerate, i sit down alone and write out my values/needs/wants then figure out which ones are negotiable, and see where I can flex on any deal breakers. This allows me to be accommodating of others needs without sacrificing self, and vice versa. This would be asserting healthy boundaries.

Yeah enmeshment is unhealthy and common with BPD. Mine does not respond well to any information about standards/health/morals, he feels accused of being stupid or bad. It does work to model healthy behavior and diffuse any accusations he makes (because he feels stupid about it anyway I don't need to convict him). You said you worry she will cheat since she suspects you, I have thought that exact same thing. My best bet there is to do my part in creating r/s security with the boundary method above.

Yes im in LDR I see him once a month, if that. I stay with him because I find myself growing as a person and still enjoying my life despite the stress in my r/s. To deal with the episodes, I separate the real him (the truth) from the fear-based words he says.

It sounds like you did a pretty good job setting boundaries about this weekend. Looking at the cumulative issues is a great way to find patterns. When you say that you feel like you're too tolerant, that explains why you're seeing this pattern of BPD traits in your partners.

I bet that was fun to go out dancing. When you saw the couple you saw something that you want. It is in the cards for you and you have everything you need to achieve it, I can promise you that.

[truthbeknown]

To determine what i tolerate, i sit down alone and write out my values/needs/wants then figure out which ones are negotiable, and see where I can flex on any deal breakers. This allows me to be accommodating of others needs without sacrificing self, and vice versa. This would be asserting healthy boundaries.

do you think your relationship will get better if you "close the gap" as LDR's say?  For me name calling and disrespect has always been a "deal breaker"  so now I'm in self confrontation- do I abide by my deal breakers or cut some more slack.  It's my inner fight.

Yeah enmeshment is unhealthy and common with BPD. Mine does not respond well to any information about standards/health/morals, he feels accused of being stupid or bad. It does work to model healthy behavior and diffuse any accusations he makes (because he feels stupid about it anyway I don't need to convict him). You said you worry she will cheat since she suspects you, I have thought that exact same thing. My best bet there is to do my part in creating r/s security with the boundary method above.
I have seen this pattern before in a past relationship and it's part of my wound so I'm not certain that she will but it plays on my mind when people are that paranoid sometimes if they are BPD they can act out before they feel like the other person does it.   It's almost like the more she displays her paranoia it feeds my own worries/concerns and insecurities.  In the model of secure attachment i'm 70 secure and 30 percent insecure tendencies.  When she is dysregulated it activates my 30%.   Otherwise I have done a pretty good job at modeling.

Yes im in LDR I see him once a month, if that. I stay with him because I find myself growing as a person and still enjoying my life despite the stress in my r/s. To deal with the episodes, I separate the real him (the truth) from the fear-based words he says. I have tried this in the past but the double standards are what's making it challenging.  Plus I will have to sponsor her so the bad behavior worries me because its not a "normal" relationship dynamic when you have to sponsor someone- it's heavy stuff.  If it doesn't work out I still will be on the hook financially for 10 years! When the bad behavior comes out it activates this fear.

It sounds like you did a pretty good job setting boundaries about this weekend. Looking at the cumulative issues is a great way to find patterns. When you say that you feel like you're too tolerant, that explains why you're seeing this pattern of BPD traits in your partners. Really? How?

I bet that was fun to go out dancing. When you saw the couple you saw something that you want. It is in the cards for you and you have everything you need to achieve it, I can promise you that.

[Hopeandjoy]

You said that name calling and disrespect are both deal breakers. What do both of those things tell you that you need?
So you want to feel respected in your r/s. What does respect look like to you? Which names do you not want her to call you, in what tone of voice etc.?
I would say a true deal breaker is something that terminates the relationship, instantly or eventually (depending on the severity of the infraction).
There are also consequences for us having boundaries, such as missing an event or losing the relationship. so you are right in confronting yourself about this.
If she crosses a line, pick a consequence that you are willing to do, and let her know if she does that again you will do xyz, and always follow through. if she has BPD she will test you.

I have also felt dysregulated and triggered more than normal with my bf.

When youre dating someone with BPD It's best to keep your life as separate as possible, for as long as you can.

[truthbeknown]

You said that name calling and disrespect are both deal breakers. What do both of those things tell you that you need?  Well in a matter of speaking.  I would not have set out to date someone who has that and I still have to decide. 

So you want to feel respected in your r/s. What does respect look like to you? Which names do you not want her to call you, in what tone of voice etc.?
I would say a true deal breaker is something that terminates the relationship, instantly or eventually (depending on the severity of the infraction).
There are also consequences for us having boundaries, such as missing an event or losing the relationship. so you are right in confronting yourself about this.
If she crosses a line, pick a consequence that you are willing to do, and let her know if she does that again you will do xyz, and always follow through. if she has BPD she will test you.

I have also felt dysregulated and triggered more than normal with my bf.

When youre dating someone with BPD It's best to keep your life as separate as possible, for as long as you can.  well based on what I explained here a decision will have to be made because of her visa status.  So it's not like I have that option or else I can see how one could manage that kind of relationship.

[Hopeandjoy]

Sponsoring her creates an extra dependency on you. I think its great to date a pwBPD if you have the stamina and have a heart for them, but juggling both a romantic relationship and helping the pwBPD in others ways is a lot. Is she moving to be with you, or is this just something she's asking you to do for her?

[truthbeknown]

She wants to marry someone she loves but she hopes that i'll be the one.  However, when she has been dysregulated she has said things like, "the one who will marry me or want to be with me will know my true nature."   I have told her that makes me feel like I'm not special.   There may be some language issues but she speaks pretty good English.   

She's on a student visa so in order to stay here long term marriage would have to be in the cards. I have felt that there is pressure for me to "be the one" and i don't like that pressure.  I have told her this.  Recently there is something that she hasn't told me because she is worried that people are listening in to our calls etc.  I don't want to turn this into a conversation about big brother vs paranoia but she had the opportunity to tell me last time we were together and didn't.  She is still justifying that and it feels like alot of excuses.  I'm not trying to be insensitive but when she pressures me i feel that i should know all the facts and things shouldn't be kept from me.  That was my point in one of our recent conversations.

I feel like i'm in a relationship with two people and that's what concerns me.  If she was already in this country and no visa stuff to worry about then we could experiment with living together or i wouldn't have to commit to marriage. 

The reason i'm torn is that i'm fond of her good parts and feel that it would be hard for me to find those in another partner for a variety of reasons.  But her shadow side (or BPD traits) is the wild card.   I appreciate you hashing this out with me.   Do you think you see yourself marrying your guy or are you happy to stay in the LDR and the status quo?

[Hopeandjoy]

she has said things like, "the one who will marry me or want to be with me will know my true nature."   I have told her that makes me feel like I'm not special.   

pwBPD misuse versions of that cliche "accept me for who I am" - to claim that you have to tolerate their behavior.

She's on a student visa so in order to stay here long term marriage would have to be in the cards. I have felt that there is pressure for me to "be the one" and i don't like that pressure. 

This is a lot of pressure, and it's the wrong reason to get married

If she was already in this country and no visa stuff to worry about then we could experiment with living together or i wouldn't have to commit to marriage. 

You are right in being hesitant without a trial period

But her shadow side (or BPD traits) is the wild card.

It sounds like the only way you could be happy with her, is if you could manage her shadow side. When you feel confident that you can handle her behavior, you feel less threatened by her. with my bf, I started to trust myself after seeing a few successes and it went uphill fast from there.
I was interested in growing myself and I see my r/s as a way to do that. I've learned ways to get the respect I want.
That's another thing to consider though, is if you want to go through this kind of work or would you rather find an easier r/s. (the other person has done their inner work up until now, they are healthy, and they are bringing r/s skills to the table.)
When I was torn about my r/s, I thought about this, realistically would I be happy with someone like that and what are the odds that someone like that would "put up with" me?

Do you think you see yourself marrying your guy or are you happy to stay in the LDR and the status quo?

I feel apprehensive about marriage for personal reasons that are unrelated to my bf. If it weren't for that, I could see myself marrying him down the road, but I would want to trial it out more first.