Recent goings on

[Longterm]

Hi all.
I've been fairly busy but wanted to post an update.

As you all know, the ex came back wanting to start again and has expressed many thoughts that I never ever thought I would hear. Such as she understands there is something very wrong with her and the way in which she treats others. She had already looked into counselling and at present is waiting for her appointment.
Her suicide attempt scared the crap out of me and everybody and I think it opened her eyes a lot to the damage she has done.

The kids were very happy that me and their mother were on talking terms and happy that she was spending time with us. She offered to help with the move and I found it a bit strange but the kids wanted her to help so I allowed it. To be honest, she was a huge help and I really appreciate the effort she put in. She has been putting effort in with them and me and it's been Ok, she has booked us all a holiday next month and has done other things too.  She has even suggested her and our daughter go to counselling because she admits it has never been a very good relationship and she has not been the best mother.

I have told her that I will support her as much as I can but I will not be disrespected anymore and counselling is not an option, it's a necessity. She has agreed and like I said, things were going great.

Just recently the kids have said a few things that made me aware That not all is well. My son is very worried that she will do it all again, very understandable and I've told him if he does not want to be near her, he hasn't got to be. He said he wants her there but then he doesn't, clear dissonance towards her because when she is there he is very receptive to her. My daughter is pretty much the same, she thinks her mom will be moving in. I've told them Both that that will not be happening and the plan is to keep her at arms length whilst she works through her issues.

I have seen my ex the past few days and both times it seems like her mind is elsewhere? She says she's just tired and if anything is wrong she would tell me. My youngest said she has been asleep a lot and so did her mother, she just said she's feeling a bit run down? I've asked if the plan is still the plan and she says yes but I'm just a bit unsure, I know she lies . Her mom says she doubts she will change her mind in regards to wanting to work on her marriage/family but I dunno, am I being paranoid? Am I right to be so guarded and uncertain of the future?

She has all her things now from her exes place and as far as I'm aware there has been no contact. She seems very indifferent towards him, no anger or sadness but you can't live with someone for 18mths and feel nothing right? She says she was trapped and it was just convenience but like I said she lies. One thing that shocked me though was that she still has our wedding rings! I find that crazy.

I think this may be whats up with her but also I think she expected me to say "come live with me and we can be happy" this has not happened, I've told her I will help her and spend time with her Fridays whilst she works through her issues.

On another note, I thought I had been to 18 funerals but I was wrong, it's 19. In the near future I will be attending number 20. Sadly, my brother committed suicide last week so as you can imagine, this sensitive soul just become that little bit more fragile. Maybe that's what's up with me and why I'm getting paranoid? Maybe my ex is playing me? Maybe my kids are seeing something I don't? They will always come first no matter what but there dissonance has spun me around , maybe they are just having normal reactions? I dunno.

It's a crazy life right?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SunandMoon]

Phew, Longterm, you've got a lot on your plate. I am so sorry about your brother. Suicide is heartbreaking...

You are right to be asking these questions. It's not paranoid. You know your wife and you know what you've been through. Your priority now is protecting yourself and your children.

Keeping her at arm's length while she works through her issues and waiting to see if she shows real change is the sensible thing to do - for yourself and your kids.

You've talked about your kids' dissonance... How do you feel?

[Longterm]

My brother was a paranoid schizophrenic and had suicide attempts before, literally hundreds of times. He was a very troubled soul. I am aware that I am currently blocking it out, it's very weird to say that because I know deep down I have to deal with it at some point. It's like my mind is saying "no", I think I have become numb to the world around me, that is honestly what it feels like. 20 funerals at 35 is pretty crazy and I think I am incapable of taking on anymore emotional distress right now. I don't know how to feel about it.

How do I feel?

Hmmm?
I feel that I have a lot of love for this woman but being around her has/is highlighting her many issues, I feel huge dissonance too I guess.
On the one hand she is saying things like:
It was all a huge mistake
You are my soul mate
You complete me
You are one in a million
I want my husband back
I want my family back
I will do whatever it takes

I could go on bit you get the gist of it.
On the other hand I can see that she is an extremely broken and fragile human being. She randomly cries at times and it's obvious she is very depressed. The day of the move she stayed over and slept on the sofa, I got up in the night and noticed her breathing very heavily. Call me weird but I sat near her and just watched her sleep for around an hour. She was randomly twitching and sweating, mumbling to herself, I found it all a bit bizarre. I remember thinking "What is going through her head, and how did she process the days events in comparison to me or the kids". I went to bed in the end and when I woke she was looking very rough, she is constantly half asleep and my youngest and her mother have commented on how much she sleeps, there is obviously a lot going on inside of her head. I mean, I just feel extremely sorry for her.
I see somebody who is very, very dangerous to those around her, and herself I guess. She cannot function in the real world and is very child like, it's like she needs looking after but she bites the hand that feeds her, that's actually quite a good description of my wife.
I don't feel as though she has the tools to change and I think she just wants me to accept her as she is. I disagree, I think she could be so much more and then some and I will encourage/support change as long as she is open to it, the problem is that I don't see her being open to it for any reasonable amount of time. She simply doesn't stick to or achieve anything as nasty as that sounds. She said she knows she has to stick to this to get back what she lost and that's why she's going to do it. I think the dissonance we all feel will be gone when she either A) blows this or B) makes real change.
She did surprise me though in the way she came back, there was no BS just very open and honest for the first time ever so you never know I guess.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Longterm

How are you doing now? A few more days have gone by since you last posted. How are you feeling now?

I hope you don't mind but I took the time to read your back story before posting again.

Having read your story, my instinct is to tell you to run!

However, "run messages" aren't allowed on this forum... so instead I will encourage you to go back and read your original posts here. There is so much honesty and clarity in your posts, you may not realise you have answered some of your own questions.

I understand that you still care for, and perhaps love, your wife. However, sometimes love is not enough and no matter how much we want to, we can't fix someone.

You have been in a dysfunctional dance since you were very young. It's possible that you truly don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. But you have made great inroads into modelling a healthy relationship for your children. Although you say that you are helpless when it comes to your wife, you have already shown that you are much stronger than you think.

This is not a "run message"; it's a "pause, rewind, consider" message, sent with genuine concern.

SaM x