Adult step-daughter- new to us.

[rising tide]

Hello,

This is my first post here, I am new to this site and new to learning about BPD.  I have ordered several books (Walking on Eggshells, etc) and have begun to learn about what we are dealing with.

My husband's adult daughter has just told us about her BPD diagnosis (though she has known for a year, at least).  But this diagnosis fits her to a tee.  She is an alcoholic and addict, in recovery, maybe. She is the mother to our two grandchildren, ages 16 and 13.  There have been numerous od's and suicide attempts.

It has been a nightmare for all of us.  Almost 2 years ago she was arrested again for domestic violence against her (now divorced) husband, and jailed.  We stepped in to take care of the children and ended up renting a house in their area so they could stay in school as we became legal custodians (the husband was a step-father who hadn't adopted them; their birth father is dead).  They were with us for a year, and have been with their mom for 8 months.

She wants legal guardianship back and when we refused, she became abusive, as is her way.  It seemed like a manic episode, with constant calls, texts, threats, social media harassment. 

I have now become her 'enemy' because I called her behavior abusive.  She is maintaining the children hate me, and I know she is trying to poison them against me.  After this episode she told my husband about BPD and said she was embarrassed about her behavior, but then again rehashed why I and others are  horrible people.  My husband is the only person that she has in her family who has not disengaged from her.  As a result, she leans on him for everything when she needs him.

So we are just starting this journey of trying to set limits and protect ourselves and the children. 

I hope I can find some information here and some support. 

Thank you so much for reading this

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hello and welcome!  I am glad you found us and that you are reaching out for help.  Things can get better.

BTW, I moved your thread from the Parent, Sibling and In-Law board to the Son/Daughter Son In-Law/Daughter In-Law board as I think you will get better responses here from people who are dealing with similar issues.   

You certainly have been dealing with a lot.  Like I said above, things can get better for you as you learn different ways to interact with your step daughter and ways to take care of yourself like with boundaries.

I am sorry to hear that you have been singled out to be the bad one.  That is a difficult position to be in on top of being a step parent.  Lots of challenges in there I would imagine.

I hope you settle in and read and post and feel free to jump into other threads as that will help you build a support system.  it will also help you gather your thoughts and apply anything new you learn by sharing them with others.  You might want to start reading here: HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE

Again,

[FaithHopeLove]

I join Harri in welcoming you and assuring you that you have come to the right place to get help and support as well as accurate information. It is great that you are establishing limits. Healthy boundaries are an important part of self care. How are your grandchildren handling things?

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

You've done a lot to help stabilize the kids! How are they doing?

Do you feel that your husband and you are on the same page when it comes to dealing with her?

Glad you found the site and are reaching out.

LnL

[rising tide]

Thanks for the welcome.  The kids were doing well, but since I think her mom is drinking and I know she is raging, I am worried.

Regarding my husband and I, we are mostly on the same page, but he has years of taking care of her (maybe enabling?) and is often in rescue mode.  It isn't just drama, though, as we have had to take her to the hospital 3 times in the last few years for overdoses of benzos and alcohol.  These may or may not have been suicide attempts.

Our issue now is that I think we need to set a boundary for her.  She posted lies and horrible, abusive things on social media and in texts to me recently. She maintains that 'they are all true' and so won't commit to not doing that again, nor will she say that that is the wrong thing to do.  HOW to set boundaries is what I don't yet know. I do understand that that will be my husband's job.  I suggested something like, "I want to have a civil relationship with you but to do that you must also be civil to my wife."  She calls him all the time when she is like this, for support, and for him to listen.  He has recently had success cutting off her verbal abuse by warning that he  will hang up and then doing it if it continues.  So I wonder if the same would work in this regard.  Still, I am open to suggestions.

Thanks!

[Only Human]

Hello rising tide

I know how it feels to have horrible things posted about me on social media, my DD25 has done the same in the past. As Harris says, you're in a very difficult position, the target of her anger, the bad guy. I'm so sorry this is going on

Since you asked about boundaries, I'm sharing a couple of links with you about the subject. These really helped me to understand that boundaries and limits are more about our core values, how we choose to conduct ourselves, and less about what we expect of someone else.

Here's a great article about boundaries and limits. It's one of the first things I read here and I refer to it sill:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Here's an excerpt:

The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill.

When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble.

This is an important point that is often overlooked.

And here's a Workshop. Workshops are located in the Library which is below the list of boards on the main page. They're a great way to learn new skills and talk about what you've learned with others on a similar path. Feel free to post your thoughts here or within the workshop, and don't be discouraged if the workshop seems idle.    
1.07 | Boundaries and Values

Stay with us here, rising tide, as Harri says, things can get better. We are walking with you.

~ OH

[rising tide]

Dear OH,

Your message really helped me today.  I so appreciate your kindness and reassurance.  I also got a lot out of the boundaries page you linked.  I am having trouble, though, finding the Boards on the main page to see the workshop. 

This is a long road, and we have just begun.  But I feel hopeful now that we have a diagnosis we can at least adapt our behavior to protect ourselves and not contribute to the madness.

Thank you.

All Best,
Rising Tide

[Only Human]

I am having trouble, though, finding the Boards on the main page to see the workshop.

I'm happy to hear that you got a lot out of the link on boundaries. I remember reading it for the first time and knowing that I had come to the right place for support. Sorry you were having trouble finding the lost of boards on the Main Page. . To get there, click on the GROUPS tab on the green menu bar located toward the top of the page. It's below the list of staff, which is below your screen name. That will bring you to the main list of boards. The Workshops are located in the Community Built Knowledge Base. Scroll past Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD, and past Relationship Partner with BPD (heterosexual or gay)

Here's a direct link to the Workshops page: Library: Tools and skills workshops

The link I posted in my previous post will bring you directly to the Workshop I described.

Let me know if that helped or if I just made it worse

 

This is a long road, and we have just begun.  But I feel hopeful now that we have a diagnosis we can at least adapt our behavior to protect ourselves and not contribute to the madness.

You've got this, rising tide, the change must begin with us. As we say here at  bpdfamily:

Before we can make things better, we have to stop making it worse; and

If our current approach is not working, change it.


Change won't come overnight, and it won't be easy. But along the way, as you become more confident, I hope you'll find some peace, as many of us here have. Keep posting and reading and posting in other's threads, it will help to build your support network. We are all learning together and holding each other up. We know better than anyone else can, how challenging and intense these relationships can be.

Hang in there, rising tide, and please, take good care of you.

~ OH