Finally, something makes sense

[Troubleswmommy]

For years I thought my mother was bipolar. She had always been hot and cold, especially with me, her eldest child and her only daughter among her five children. Sometimes it felt like we were best friends. Then, with some imagined slight, she’d fly into a rage at me about my stupidity, my ingratitude, my entitlement. She slapped me in the face the night before my wedding because she thought I was acting “snotty”, she reneged on promises, she lies and gaslights, all with the assistance of my hapless father who excuses all her behavior because she was abused by her father as a child and teen. I regret I learned some bad behavior from her of the I hate you don’t leave me variety, but happily I did a lot of work in therapy starting in my late 20s (I’ll be 40 this year) and have learned how to separate the storm of my emotions from the blue sky that is my true mind. For many years, it didn’t matter much because I lived far from home. Then I had kids and moved back to the Midwest to be closer to family — literally 5 minutes down the road in the country. My husband and I have a little acreage, and I’ve fallen in to helping with my parent’s fruit and veg growing operation and lamb rearing. It’s been good for the most part, but I rarely challenge what mom wants to do with the operation for fear of what happened two weeks ago at a dinner.  I had the idea to bring up at a family dinner that I was interested in rearing a different breed of sheep on our property, and my mom lost it. She took back promises she’d made, and she told me she hoped I felt disappointed. When I showed this to my dad, he said, well you need to make it right with her, and I regret I lost it and raged at him for never protecting me during all these years. Later, my husband and I were able to draft a firm but friendly letter suggesting we wrap up our business dealings with them and instead focus on their relationship with our children. (My mom has never raged out on them, or this would be a different consideration.) Now they want to talk to us, and I’m fairly certain they’ll once again present the argument that I take things too seriously, I’m too sensitive, none of my brothers have these issues with them (they also don’t work together, and I’m pretty convinced at least one of my brothers is a narcissist), that life is too short and I need to get over it (and do what they want me to do). The thing is, I’m the only one who moved away from home, and my brothers (all adults) still have this weird codependent relationship where they call mom and dad with every trouble, from toothache to leaky roof. My parents raised us in a very authoritative way and seem to still want that control, though it’s my mom who calls the shots and my dad just backs her up. My mom has maybe apologized to me once or twice in my adult life. BUT there have been a handful of times, like when I made the very difficult decision to terminate a poor prognosis pregnancy, that, despite her staunch Catholicism, she stood by me. So who is the real mom? What loyalty do I owe her? Why does she seem to hate me so much more than my brothers? Why does it seem she enjoys inflicting pain on me, and what does it say about me when I admit that I sometimes wish she could feel the pain she inflicts tenfold back on her? Or that I admitted, after a couple drinks the other night with my husband, that some part of me will be relieved when she dies? It makes me feel terrible to admit that, but I need to say it aloud, let the light sleep into it. I wish I could afford to go back to therapy, but right now I simply can’t afford it. I read SWOEGgshells and the Borderline Mother book, and I was floored. Suddenly, it all made sense. Still, I don’t know where to go from here, and I’m still processing my anger and guilt. Plus, sometimes I’m not even sure I trust my understanding of the encounters I have with her, because my mom and dad always explain it away and say it’s me. But my husband, who’s a rational, mentally well person, says I’m not crazy, it’s not right, he’s been watching her lay into me for years over the stupidest things. Her anger has gotten her in trouble
in the past too. She loves to tell a story about how she threw a drink on someone at a class reunion. She got fired from her nursing job of 25 years for hanging up on her boss and then giving him crap about it. (The story my parents tell is that she quit. She still talks about this incident with anger 10 years later.) But why doesn’t she blaze into my brothers as much? And why does everyone she meets think she’s so charming? And even her farm workers like her and think she’s a good boss. Could someone with BPD focus most of their rage on one or two people? (That said, she always has someone on her s-list.) I apologize if this is convoluted, but thanks for letting me share.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us and are reaching out for support.  We get it here so it is a great place to share.  It is also a good place to come to work on things you might want to explore, especially if you can't go to therapy.     We focus more on coping skills and problem solving in addition to validation and support.

So who is the real mom? What loyalty do I owe her? Why does she seem to hate me so much more than my brothers? Why does it seem she enjoys inflicting pain on me, and what does it say about me when I admit that I sometimes wish she could feel the pain she inflicts tenfold back on her? Or that I admitted, after a couple drinks the other night with my husband, that some part of me will be relieved when she dies?

  There is no good vs. bad mom there is just one.  Try to look at her as a while person.  I think mom's tend to have more battles with daughters just given the nature of the relationship.  She can look at you and see herself more easily than she can your brothers.   As for possibly feeling relief when she dies?  I can relate.  I did feel huge relief when my mom died and again when my father died a little later.  I was not happy and did not do a happy dance, but relief was definitely there.  I think it is a normal response after all of the abuse.

BPD tends to effect more intimate relationships so her workers and people outside of the family will not see the same behaviors.   It is not so much a mask though it is more that they do not trigger her.   Sometimes pwBPD do target one person more than another.  Often it is someone they see their self in and then they project, split, etc.

Sorry, it is late for me and I am answering quickly here.  Please do share more and maybe let us know what your biggest struggle with your mom is.  We can talk things out with you. 

Again,

[Libra]

Hi Troubleswmommy!

You pose some very good questions. I am still trying to find many of the answers as well.

The word bipolar has often flitted through my mind when I am trying to understand my mother and her (re)actions. It is not easy to see both ‘personalities’ as a whole, although they are precisely that: They are the extremes of an emotionally unstable and unpredictable personality. I still find it very hard to foresee which way the pendulum is swinging when visiting my mother. She has been very ‘good’ for many months now. But the cracks are starting to show, and I am bracing for new upheaval to come. Do you have similar experiences?

My mother has really been there for me in a few harrowing instances in the past. She has always been there for her grandchildren. But the overall picture is not one of a healthy relationship of give and take. It feels like a one way street with a bottomless pit at the end for 90% of the time, and it is emotionally exhausting.

Like you, I am the child that was painted ‘black’, whereas my brother seems to have done nothing remotely wrong in his whole, chaotic, life. She has many friends who I am sure get along fine with her. For a very long time, I believed that our unhealthy relationship was all my fault, that I was the ‘faulty’ one. I had to be, since nobody else had similar problems with her. It is not that simple though. Yes, it takes two to tango, but in this scenario I was taught how to dance long before I could even try to understand what a tango should look like.

Do you think your mother intentionally sets out to hurt you? Like Harri said, projection might play a big role here. My mother either lashes out because she feels cornered, or because she is unwittingly criticizing her own self through me. In either cases, it has little or nothing to do with me, but everything with her and her emotional state at the time. That does not mean it doesn’t hurt though 

What does it say about me when I admit that I sometimes wish she could feel the pain she inflicts tenfold back on her?

To me, it says that you are yearning for validation of your feelings, for understanding, and for love. You want to be seen and respected by your parents for the person you truly are. You are hoping the scales will fall off her eyes and she will finally be the caring and loving mother you deserve to have. 
 

Or that I admitted, after a couple drinks the other night with my husband, that some part of me will be relieved when she dies?

You are not alone with this feeling. I have it too. The guilt, the constant tug in your mind to try to do the right thing, the moral pressure of being loyal and ‘being there’ for your parent(s), the longing for validation… I often wish this heavy emotional backpack could simply dissolve into nothingness.
 
I am sorry your parents are putting you on the spot, expecting you to choose between what you feel is right for you,  and what they expect of you. I know the feeling. Try to stay true to what feels right within yourself. Trust your gut feeling, and if that short-circuits because of historical bad wiring, talk it over with your husband, a confidant or this board. That’s how I have been trying to define myself, my values and my boundaries.

It is truly worth it to find answers to your questions, and you truly deserve to know those answers and to feel whole and loved. 


 

Libra

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you being the only daughter, having a mother who takes out her negative feelings about herself onto you and is always talking badly about other people. I hear your frustration about how other people think your mother is wonderful because she treats them well and they rarely get to see how badly she treats you a lot of the time. I too have a mother who most likely has BPD and am the scapegoat. First of all, parents with BPD do not see their children as separate people from themselves and the same sex child is often the biggest threat and therefore gets the worst treatment. People with BPD tend to like to impress others in publicly while privately mistreating their family members. It can be terribly confusing as a parent with BPD will at times treat a child well, and then flip into a mean mode. There are many people on this site who are dealing with/have dealt with a mother similar to yours. We are here to support you and help in any way we can. Do read other threads on our site and some of the educational materials. You are not alone. Let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Troubleswmommy]

THANK YOU everyone who responded. What kindness, generosity and wisdom. Tears streamed down my face reading your responses, because I felt like I was really being seen!

[[I still find it very hard to foresee which way the pendulum is swinging when visiting my mother. She has been very ‘good’ for many months now. But the cracks are starting to show, and I am bracing for new upheaval to come. Do you have similar experiences?]]

YES! It’s almost like once I start feeling comfortable with the good times, I need to prepare myself for the fallout.

[[My mother has really been there for me in a few harrowing instances in the past. She has always been there for her grandchildren. But the overall picture is not one of a healthy relationship of give and take. It feels like a one way street with a bottomless pit at the end for 90% of the time, and it is emotionally exhausting.]]

This is so true. And yet, I crave something she can’t give me, and I keep going back hoping this time it will be different.

[[Like you, I am the child that was painted ‘black’, whereas my brother seems to have done nothing remotely wrong in his whole, chaotic, life. She has many friends who I am sure get along fine with her. For a very long time, I believed that our unhealthy relationship was all my fault, that I was the ‘faulty’ one. I had to be, since nobody else had similar problems with her. It is not that simple though.]]

Again, yes! My brothers can do whatever (even one of them getting arrested multiple times)  and generally it’s not their fault. They have bad luck. People don’t understand them. The rules are stupid in the first place. But then I give her a look that she perceives as threatening, or make a purchase she doesn’t think I should make, or turn her down when she wants me to drop everything and run with her to the pharmacy and BLAMMO! Icy silence. Or rage. Or petulant tit for tat.

[[Do you think your mother intentionally sets out to hurt you? Like Harri said, projection might play a big role here. My mother either lashes out because she feels cornered, or because she is unwittingly criticizing her own self through me. In either cases, it has little or nothing to do with me, but everything with her and her emotional state at the time]]

No, I think you’re absolutely correct. It’s really not about me. This is a new concept for me and something I’m really trying to master! I think she does this when she feels 1. Cornered; 2. Betrayed/abandoned. So, for example, for me to express interest in taking on a different breed of sheep than hers is to communicate that I want to abandon her legacy in raising the breed she’s been committed to and to reject HER. It seems SO bonkers (is that ok to say on this forum? Sorry if not.) But that is her reality! And that’s really sad.

For the cornered part, here’s a typical example— This week my mom wanted to take one of my children to a traveling
 Broadway show. The show was on a Wednesday, the day she delivers to one of her co-ops. She texted me to ask if she could pick my child up from school an hour early (at 2pm), so she could take him out for dinner before the show. Well, the show started at 7:30 and was only an hour’s drive away, so there would have been sufficient time to pick the child up at the normal time, have dinner and go to the show. But she needed to do her regular delivery and didn’t want to do any extra driving, but rather than just be honest about it, she manipulated the communication to make it seem like she was going to show him an extra big time. NOW, if I had called her on this? Cornered! She would have had my head. But, instead, I acted as if she was communicating in good faith and responded with tips from this site (BIFF). Like, I’d prefer if my child finished the school day. As I understand it, the show begins at 7:30, which should give you sufficient time to get there, grab dinner and see the show, no? She actually backed down and agreed (without admitting anything, of course.) So the inconvenience became HERS, not mine or my child’s.

I heard an interview on the radio with a parenting author today who was saying we bring our own emotional histories into our interactions with our children, so it’s important to notice what hurts and then curiously probe it for the reason. For example, often when we feel angry, it’s because we feel helpless. The author suggested that instead of reacting to a misbehaving child, we try to reconnect and then redirect.It may seem like it takes more time, but in fact it’s more effective. At the risk of sounding like I’m infantilizing my mother, I think she has the emotional maturity of a preschooler. So why approach her with the same expectations? It’s not fair for a child, and it’s not fair for her. AND yet, one of the mothers quoted in the book was talking about how her anger got in the way of being the mother she wanted to be. The realization she came to was, “it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility.” So it’s not my mom’s fault that she is the way she is, but it is her responsibility to do something about. Not mine.

For years, mommy’s upset? Good daughter me swoops in, trying to help cheer her up. I’ve taken her on trips, cooked her meals,  cleaned her house, weeded her gardens, held her hand, directed her to various materials, given her massages, etc. I remember after my fourth little brother was born, so long ago, mommy just crying and crying for months. Me, feeling so helpless. That little girl is still in me, aching to help, but also to be seen as a good girl, to be loved and unconditionally accepted.

So this really,really resonated with me—>

[[To me, it says that you are yearning for validation of your feelings, for understanding, and for love. You want to be seen and respected by your parents for the person you truly are. You are hoping the scales will fall off her eyes and she will finally be the caring and loving mother you deserve to have.
 You are not alone with this feeling. I have it too. The guilt, the constant tug in your mind to try to do the right thing, the moral pressure of being loyal and ‘being there’ for your parent(s), the longing for validation… I often wish this heavy emotional backpack could simply dissolve into nothingness.]]
 

I thank you so much for being here and sharing your wisdom.

[Troubleswmommy]

  There is no good vs. bad mom there is just one.  Try to look at her as a while person.  I think mom's tend to have more battles with daughters just given the nature of the relationship.  She can look at you and see herself more easily than she can your brothers.   

Thank you for all your insight, and especially this! You’re amazing.

[Troubleswmommy]

I too have a mother who most likely has BPD and am the scapegoat. It can be terribly confusing as a parent with BPD will at times treat a child well, and then flip into a mean mode. There are many people on this site who are dealing with/have dealt with a mother similar to yours. We are here to support you and help in any way we can. Do read other threads on our site and some of the educational materials. You are not alone. Let us know how we can be the most helpful.

Thank you SO much. Yes,that mean mode is the hardest part of it. It can be so good until it’s not.

[Harri]

Hi again.

You did a great job managing the situation with the show and your mom and son! 

At the risk of sounding like I’m infantilizing my mother, I think she has the emotional maturity of a preschooler. So why approach her with the same expectations? It’s not fair for a child, and it’s not fair for her.

Correct.  BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation and they do not have the skills to self soothe.  Adjusting expectations is key to being able to interact in more healthy ways if that is what we choose.  They do not have the skills necessary.  Nor will they ever if we continue to step in and try to fix and manage things.  Part of this is knowing what is ours to deal with and what is not.  That is something a lot of us on this board struggle with given the role of caretaker and emotional regulator we were given and have functioned within since being kids.

The realization she came to was, “it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility.” So it’s not my mom’s fault that she is the way she is, but it is her responsibility to do something about. Not mine.

Correct.     The question becomes does she have the ability and awareness to take responsibility?  I am not sure she does.  This brings me back to thinking about appropriate expectations and the need to establish boundaries to protect us and learn tools that will ease communications if we choose to maintain a relationship.

Good discussion, thanks!

[GaGrl]

My mother was emotionally damaged by a uNPD/BPD stepmother. My mom is a loving, kind, generous woman who can be triggered by some of the residual damage. She is now almost 93 years old and living with us, so my husband and I are working to maintain a happy household.

I am finding that we do best with mom when we communicate with BIFF. We are trying to help her acknowledge her physical failings -- she is legally bound from macular degeneration -- but her trigger is feeling useless or having her suggestions rejected.

It appears BIFF worked well for you!