Stuck in new marriage, going to couples counseling tomorrow

[utterson]

Hi all,

We were married last year after just a year of dating (mistake number one). Suspected shortly before getting married that she may be BPD among other things but was too far down the road to back out. She has described sexual and emotional trauma/unsafe home life when she was younger and says her behavior might look like BPD but is actually PTSD. She also exhibits anxiety, OCD, destructive body focused repetitive behaviors, sleep disorder, and paranoia. Constantly bounces around between co-workers being fast friends or her worst enemies. Depending on where she is in her cycle, I am also either a great husband or any number of expletives. She perpetually rewrites history and will deny any violent acts like throwing things or breaking things, or even episodes that she's had in the past.

She went on fluoxetine for a while seemed to improve things quite a lot, then off it again. She's seeing a doctor about her sleep disorder which may end up with a prescription for klonopin which I've read may either help or make things worse. She currently doesn't really sleep (moves all night long) and when not working will lay in bed all day saying "I'm so tired" or "I'm so hungry" or just whining and moaning a lot. We haven't slept in the same room for probably 5 months now.

Most recently, it has seemed impossible for her to regulate her drinking. She'll have one and then can't stop. The last couple of weekends she said she would leave the house at 9 or 10pm and then not return until 2 or 3am without saying where she was going but she definitely was drunk when she got home. This has happened before - on New Years we fought and she drank a bottle of champagne and a bottle of wine by herself.

If we were renting, I'd have been gone long ago but I regretfully agreed to buy a house with her in a tough real estate market and would take a financial loss that I can't afford if I tried to get out now but I'm quickly approaching a breaking point.

She agreed to go to couple's counseling and I found a PhD psychologist. We have an appointment this week. While I have significant doubts as to the salvageability of the relationship at all, with my wife being BPD-diagnosis-resistant, I'm wondering if anyone has advice as to how to deal with this upcoming appointment.

Much thanks for any help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

Probably the biggest challenge for most couples in counseling is to understand what marriage therapy really is. Many people think it is about getting their partner to change. It is actually about looking at the interactions between couples and improving communication between the couple to the point that there is more affection, respect, and love. Sometimes only one member of the couple is ready for therapy. The therapist's job is to help both members get heard. In the case where one member is more impaired, the therapist may seem to favor that person, so there is some chance of meaningful improvement. I admire your courage in trying therapy and hope you can give your partner credit for being willing to also try.

[formflier]

I'll second the notion to drop thoughts of "fixing" someone else..or "fixing" yourself for that matter.

If you can use MC to improve communications, that will help everything.  Show up ready to listen and understand.


FF

[No-One]

She went on fluoxetine for a while seemed to improve things quite a lot, then off it again. She's seeing a doctor about her sleep disorder which may end up with a prescription for klonopin which I've read may either help or make things worse. She currently doesn't really sleep (moves all night long) and when not working will lay in bed all day saying "I'm so tired" or "I'm so hungry" or just whining and moaning a lot. We haven't slept in the same room for probably 5 months now.

Most recently, it has seemed impossible for her to regulate her drinking. She'll have one and then can't stop. The last couple of weekends she said she would leave the house at 9 or 10pm and then not return until 2 or 3am without saying where she was going but she definitely was drunk when she got home. This has happened before - on New Years we fought and she drank a bottle of champagne and a bottle of wine by herself.

Utterson:
Welcome:
Why did she quit taking the fluoxetine, if it was helping?  Is she seeing the same doctor for sleep problems?  Thinking she needs to see a doctor who knows her complete history (including alcohol abuse, as contraindicated with multiple meds).  Also wondering if it might be best for her to see a psychiatrist (if not currently) for her med prescriptions.

Just responding it a different angle of concern.  Klonopin is a benzo and is in the same drug class as Valium and Xanex.  It is addictive, and shouldn't be used with alcohol.  I'm thinking her doctor isn't aware that she is an alcoholic?  Also, alcohol use can contribute to insomnia.

An addictive personality is likely to get addicted to benzos, which are intended to use occasionally and not consistently.  When used consistently, a person will quickly get addicted, as it takes a higher and higher dosage to get the effect they got when they began taking it.

A diversity of opinions can be helpful.  My thoughts are that in order to benefit from couples therapy, she needs to be able to make some progress in managing her mental issues (i.e. when the fluoxetine was helping).  I think that the therapist needs to know that she stopped taking fluoxetine, might start taking Klonopin and is abusing alcohol.  You might want to share this information with the therapist in advance, if you think your wife won't share this in a first session. 

Just pointing out some things to consider.  I'd hate to have your wife have an overdose of Klonopin, because of interaction with alcohol, or get addicted to it or a similar drug.  If your wife isn't in individual therapy, it might be advised.  Perhaps these are things to discuss with the marriage counselor, either in a joint session, and individual session or via a phone call.

Marriage counseling has a better chance of working when the person with the mental health issue is getting individual therapy and is receiving some benefit from meds and/or therapy.  That sets the stage for achieving some goals/progress in marital therapy.

The marriage counselor needs to know the information you shared here.  If your wife doesn't want to share, during a session, and you don't want to bring it up, you might want to have a private discussion with the marriage therapist. You might want to request a personal/individual session with the marriage therapist, if the therapist doesn't suggest one.  Some therapists make a habit of having an individual session with each person, at the beginning of marriage counseling.

Just sharing a different opinion.  Best wishes with your upcoming session.

 

[Enabler]

Hey Utterson,

I made a mess of MC. I wasn't in the best of places when I suggested we go and I came across like the complete crackpot frantically clinging on to the relationship and my narrative like a cat with claws out. I felt attacked by the counsellor (because I was) and didn't know or see the dynamic that zachira pointed out where the counsellor will appear to favour one person. My W had an excellent victim mask in front of the MC and proficiently posted me as the perpetrator and MC as her rescuer. (I don't know if you are familiar with the Karpman 'Drama' Triangle).

Had I have been aware of what was going on in MC I believe I would have behaved differently.

Be prepared to be put on the back foot and stay super cool. It's a marathon not a sprint, and as the others have mentioned, it's not about fixing.

I highly recommend seeing your own T if possible away from the MC. I also advise educating yourself about BPD/emotions in general and basic psychology. Not to attack her with, but to understand your reality better. Take yourself to 30k ft and see your reality for what it is.

Enabler   

[utterson]

Thanks all for the input - very helpful.

I guess it is important to note that she is hypersensitive to anything that might be perceived as a fault which makes anything medical or psychiatric extremely difficult. As an example, she had breast lumps which she would not have gone to the doctor for had I not insisted on it (turned out to be fibroids that needed surgical removal). She seems to think that these things reflect negatively on her. Consequently, I pay a price for just about anything I do that acknowledges the existence of something she'd perceive as a flaw; alcohol abuse ("I'm not a child!"), melt downs (denial that they happen), sleep disorder ("its normal!"), etc. For example, when I asked her why she wasn't taking her meds she said she kept forgetting, so I got her a pill organizer to help and that sent her off the deep end, pretty much ensuring that she'd quit them altogether. For her, suggesting she seek individual therapy would be the equivalent of an attack. Suggesting that she be careful about klonopin or combining it with alcohol or that she has alcoholism would be an attack. Pretty much anything except "Wow, you are so pretty and smart" is an attack.

Literally this morning she said something to me while I was grinding coffee and I didn't hear her. I stopped the grinder and asked, "Did you say something?" and she retorted, "Are you being mean to me?" Ugh.

The only way I was able to get her to a sleep doctor (a specialist, not her primary) was to video her at night with her permission and then show her the videos so she could see how extreme her movements are. Even then, she bounces back and forth between acknowledging their abnormality and claiming that they "seem normal" to her/there is nothing wrong with her/I'm a jerk for sleeping in a different room.

Also on the list of melt-down triggers is anything that might embarrass her. Saying just about anything to the MC that she might perceive as an affront is a recipe for disaster.

One very sticky point that makes me afraid to go to MC: One night months ago she was in a typical rage. I was already sleeping in a separate room and instead of engaging with her decided to go to bed. My dog (who I adore and had years before meeting her) went to bed with me and she stormed down the hallway yelling "I want the dog!" My dog is a line in the sand for me. He's an innocent bystander like a child would be and so I stood in the hallway and blocked her from getting to him (passively but not budging either) and she accused me of "laying hands on her" which is inaccurate but plays into her victim narrative. This is now the story in her head - any time she is mad she claims I was physically abusive to her even though I did not touch her. According to her, blocking is physical abuse. I worry very much that she'll throw that out to a mandated reporter like an MC. The fact is that she is the only one who has been arrested for domestic violence with former partner.

Frankly, I'm afraid; not for my physical safety or sanity but of what she'll try to weaponize. The whole situation has me on edge. Sorry if there was a lot of venting in there but I feel pretty isolated and trapped. Having been in a long relationship before this one (almost 20 years), I know that life doesn't have to look like this and it is hard to find myself here.

Utterson

[formflier]

Hey Utterson



Hey man...I'm glad you are here.  You have a lot going on.

What makes you think going to MC is a good idea (given the stories you've told)?

Am I right that what you have told is the "tip of the iceberg"?

Perhaps you can focus on consistent healthy responses to her outbursts and see where that leads the relationship.  What do you think?

We have lots of resources that can help you understand YOUR role in all this and how changing your actions may improve your relationship?

Best,

FF

[No-One]

Saying just about anything to the MC that she might perceive as an affront is a recipe for disaster.    

Like Formflier, I'm wondering whether MC will help you at the current time.  You can't change someone without them wanting to change.  If the only things you can talk about is how pretty and smart she is, you won't accomplish anything.  Of course, I'm sure she would love to spend every session telling you what you do wrong and how you need to change.  

The only thing you have power over is yourself and how you interact and react to your wife.  You might be better served to seek some individual counseling for yourself right now, and concurrently spend some time learning/practicing communication skills and strategies from this website.

As time passes, you might have a lot more financial issues to consider than the value of your home.  Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but it might be wise to seek the advise of a lawyer and consider your options.  

A PHD therapist, who does individual counseling, shared an opinion with me about family and/or couples therapy. She said that the therapists in her office, who do family and/or marriage counseling, indicate that the majority of the time, one person gets upset with something in a counseling session and quits going, so it's often not successful (even without BPD in the mix).

For example, when I asked her why she wasn't taking her meds she said she kept forgetting, so I got her a pill organizer to help and that sent her off the deep end, pretty much ensuring that she'd quit them altogether.    

That must have been frustrating for you, as you were trying to help.  Perhaps she really wanted to stop taking the meds?

It isn't good to stop taking Antidepressants abruptly, as it can send someone into a quick tail spin.  Best to titrate off them.

A safer nonprescription product to try before bedtime, for insomnia and anxiety, is CBD oil products (liquid, pills or chewables - can buy from online sources).  I can't say it works for everyone, but I've had success with it.  I checked with my primary care doctor, before taking it.  He said his brother had used it with success, as well as several of his patients.  

Frankly, I'm afraid; not for my physical safety or sanity but of what she'll try to weaponize. The whole situation has me on edge. Sorry if there was a lot of venting in there but I feel pretty isolated and trapped. Having been in a long relationship before this one (almost 20 years), I know that life doesn't have to look like this and it is hard to find myself here.    

Be careful. You might want to check out the safety link at the bottom of this page.  It's a good idea to have a safety plan in place.

She has already made up a fake physical abuse situation with you and she was previously arrested for assaulting her prior partner.  People with BPD or strong traits can be very good with lying and inventing their own reality.  More often than not, authorities tend to believe them.