Is there hope for a BPD marriage?

[George Pooney]

Hello all,

I came across this site on Reddit.  I believe my wife has BPD but she refuses to admit it.  I’ve been seeing counseling for the past two years but she refuses to admit there’s a problem.  At times she can become so violent I’m afraid to be around e here.  She’s left six bloody bite marks on my arms and punch and kicked me so hard it broke her hand and foot.  Only after the law was involved did she stop, and I dropped the charges.  She is a beautiful and intelligent woman, I can’t understand why she can be so irrational. 

Although her violent tantrums have calmed down some what, her verbal abuse has increased to compensate.  She no longer addresses me as anything else except asshole at home.  We’ve tried to file divorce twice but each time she asked me to come back.  Everything to her is a battle.  Today on her birthday, after having cleaned the house, did her laundry and gotten here a cake, she came home from a family gathering to insult me because I didn’t help her brother brink the food into the kitchen.  She left me at home for 5 hours because she said I was getting to fat to show her family. 

Sometimes I wish it would just end.  I don’t know how to handle her.  Everything is twisted around on me and she won’t see reason.  But most importantly she won’t seek professional help and insists that because I’m the one that keeps accepting her back that I’m the one with the mental illness.. maybe she’s right. 
Is there hope for BPD marriage?  Will she get better with age?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[nuthereggsheller]

George,
I'm definitely in no place to offer any insight about hope for a BPD marriage, as I also am struggling with the same issue. I have heard that BPDs can improve as they get older, and maybe that makes us hold out hoping for better days? But there is no guarantee those better days will come, especially if she doesn't want to own her part in the dysfunction of the relationship. Are you willing to continue the relationship exactly as it is, if she/it never improves? Her comment that maybe you are the one with the mental illness because you keep accepting her back seems to indicate she knows she's not treating you right. But flipping the responsibility back on the other non-BPD is pretty classic. I would encourage you to determine your own healthy boundaries and decide if this relationship is healthy for you, and if not, what to do about it. You said you don't know how to handle her. The thing I'm learning is that you can't handle the other person; you can only handle yourself. That may not give you much to work with, but I just wanted you to know that I read your post and am sending good thoughts your way.

[Sluggo]

George,

The answer for me was no, but there are others here that are still in a relationship.  For me it was a death of a thousand cuts (put downs, verbal abuse, some physical abuse, fear, etc). 

Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done and was so painful after 18 years of marriage and 7 kids, but I was so beaten down.  I did not have the ability to endure the above as much as I tried ...  my boundaries created escalation of fights which was just too much. 

Now 3 years later after separation and divorce.  I am a different person.  I am myself again.  I am a better parent to my children.
 
I am still learning about the behaviours that allowed me to stay in a relationship that was not healthy even in courtship.  However, her beauty and my insecurities kept me in it...   

[Ozzie101]

Hi George! Welcome!

Like Sluggo and nuthereggsheller, I can't say for sure. Each pwBPD, each non, each relationship is different.

I will say that, in my case, things have taken a turn for the better. So, there can be hope. However, in my case, there was never the level of abuse you describe. Also, my uBPDh actually sought help for himself and admitted and took responsibility for the role he'd played in the problems.

I'm glad the physical abuse has ended but verbal and emotional can be just as bad (and some people say it's even worse). May I ask, how do you respond when she lashes out at you and hurls insults?

[DoubleBP2018]

George,

Is there hope? In my case the answer is yes.

My wife never has never tried to hurt me, when she got violent she would mostly slam doors (broke a few of them). She does display the other BPD symptoms you describe.

I suggest reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, it does a good job of explaining the way the BPD mind works and how our responses can increase the severity of her emotional outbursts. Then read When Hope is not Enough, it describes techniques for de-escalating the emotional episodes.

I was married for 37 years before I knew about BPD. In the 2+ years since I have learned how to stop making things worse, I see significant improvements in my wife's behavior and our relationship. (check out the success stories in this forum)