Help - Divorce vs Legal separation pros/cons

[Toad17]

Hi everyone,

Some background - married for 7 years, living with uBPD wife and a 5 year old kid. I have consulted many therapists and professionals on her symptoms. We did couple DBT classes but that didn't help. I'm seeing my own therapist now. My emotional roller coaster has been going on for many years. The relationship has hit a stale mate with silent treatment and "it's all YOUR FAULT" blame game.

I'm trying to decide between divorce or legal separation. I'm consulting an attorney on legal aspects. Other than legal aspects, what are the major pros and cons of divorce/legal separation to end the relationship with BPD person? I would like to eventually get a divorce but trying to understand if legal separation is going to ease the situation into a future divorce or it'll make it worst. The black and white splitting personality makes me think it's better to file for divorce but would like to hear some expert advice.

Thank you!

[GaGrl]

This question has come up on the boards many times over the years.

I think you'll find that the legal advice is that there is nothing "easier" in terms of legal separation than there is for divorce. All the same topics must be covered and negotiated or mediated and then finalized -- finances, child support, monthly maintenance (alimony), property, child custody, schedules, etc.

And then when you do divorce -- it is opened again and you go through the same process again.

So it sounds as if you think she would accept a legal separation better from her emotional standpoint? Is that your primary consideration?

Have you spoken with your therapist about a "therapeutic separation"? This would let you separate the household with the goal of bettering the relationship of deciding on divorce.

[Toad17]

So it sounds as if you think she would accept a legal separation better from her emotional standpoint? Is that your primary consideration?

That is correct. I haven't explored "therapeutic separation". Thanks for the suggestion. I'll look into it.

[formflier]

I did a TS (therapeutic separation) for one summer several years back.  Big improvements came from that experience.

In my case, and I would suspect just about anyone's, the key was a family therapist that "managed" the TS.  There were individual and joint meetings with the family therapist.

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

Gagrl summed it up very well.  Doing halfway measures (LS versus D) doesn't work well with acting out, entitled people who only agree with their own perceptions.

My lawyer warned me about legal separation, which happened to be one of my first topics to discuss with him.  In my state both LS and D merit or allow custody evaluations.  I posted this June 7, 2009:

My lawyer had told me that he has almost never done separations.  The reason (in my state at least) not to do a legal separation with an acting-out disordered spouse is that the first time (separation) you go through the custody process, she may misbehave before the court and evaluator and you will be seen as the better parent resulting in favorable parenting time for you.  But if you later decide to take that final step and seek divorce, you may have to go through the custody evaluation all over again and the second time around she may know how to hide her behaviors and she might get more custodial responsibility and parenting time.

He gave a divorce example.  A prior client had gotten a good CE report and all he had to do was sign the divorce decree.  Time passed and no response.  Turns out they had gotten back together.  Six months later he again filed.  Yes, essentially doubling his overall costs.  This time she knew which behaviors to hide and she got to be Primary Parent.

[MeandThee29]

I did a TS (therapeutic separation) for one summer several years back.  Big improvements came from that experience.

In my case, and I would suspect just about anyone's, the key was a family therapist that "managed" the TS.  There were individual and joint meetings with the family therapist.

Best,

FF

Yes, my counsellor mentioned that, but it would have never flown in my case. I saw her alone. Every successful reconciliation she knew about involved a third party and a plan with a timeline. Of course some people ultimately work it out on their own, but that's very rare in high conflict couples.

I didn't ask about it, but I've heard that only a handful of lawyers in my area will even do a legal separation. Too many problems.

[empath]

I think it depends on the state on how a legal separation differs from a divorce. In my state, a separation can become a divorce after a year if one of the parties chooses to do so without an additional legal process.

The problem that I see with TS, LS, and divorce is that the couple needs to be able to talk through the details of separation and come to mutual decisions about the details. Those are not easy discussions even in the best of circumstances - with people who tend to feel emotions strongly, it's even more difficult.

[livednlearned]

With a high-conflict spouse, and the predictable unpredictability that goes with these relationships, it's wise to gather information about how things work where you live. It doesn't mean you have to act on it, but knowledge can guide you toward safer decisions.

If you do a therapeutic separation, it's ok to also talk to a family law attorney at the same time about options. You don't have to share this information with anyone, including your spouse. It's exploratory.

You may also want to get a copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy.

If you have kids, Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak is also a good idea, as is Don't Alienate the Kids, also by Bill Eddy.

[kells76]

Hi Toad17;

Some other members here have wondered whether to separate vs divorce. If you can, search for posts by member suisse_chillipep (at least, I think that's his name!) -- I recall he was working with a similar question in the last few months. Let us know if you can't find his posts. He is based in Europe, so there will be some technical differences to account for.

Hope this helps;

kells76

[Toad17]

Thanks everyone for sharing useful tips.

Kells76 - I found suisse_chilipep's post here - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334306.msg13038264#msg13038264. Thank you!