Not sure what I want...

[AND-01]

Hi,

a bit of background on my current situation. Married to undiagnosed wife with suspected BPD. In touch with mental health team who agree that there are at least traits of BPD or more. Psychiatrist has decided not to diagnose and classed it as a depressive period (or something similar), I kind of understand the reason (though not been given one) that the diagnosis may be damaging but this makes things difficult in addressing issues (made more complex by back story below).

We have two young children who are about to be assess by a child psychiatrist to to a couple of recent incidents including one where my wife told them that she would kill herself. My youngest seems to be affected by this as only six and not able to verbalise the issues.

Social services have been involved and been very supportive and have closed the case but said we can go back to them for support if required. They are happy with all the actions I have taken.

Wife is going to CBT and has been for a few months. She is happy to attend sessions and they appear to help. I'm concerned that this will not deal with all the issues as she may not be aware of all. She has recently said that she does not mean to manipulate on purpose. I take this as a positive that she is actively engaging and seeking to improve.

She is high functioning and has a high IQ and works in a senior management position.

She still has good and bad days and fear of abandonment is still an issue to the extent that if I get up to go to the kitchen or somewhere she suddenly panics. There are other issues too and suicide is still a risk and occasionally comes up but is getting less common.

I've read all the usual books and have a counsellor who I see on a weekly basis. I have a very supportive employer and a lot of support.

I know things will be difficult and that this is not a short term issue. I recognise the support and what things will look like in the future. I don't say this lightly and we have been together for 12 years, married for most.

My issue comes from her four month affair with a work colleague. I found out last year. They still work together and I think when things got bad at Christmas they started again. Apparently he is trying to find another job (heard from another source) but has not gone yet. He is relatively junior and was managed by my wife but is now managed by someone else.

I think it has stopped but never know if it will start again. I also know that she had an emotional (at least) relationship with another person at work. I told her that I thought that relationship was inappropriate and she just responded with "sorry".

In terms of the actual affair and as far as I am concerned, that killed our relationship and I have grieved over it. The situation is that I am trying to see if we can start again but this is difficult with her condition.

I can ensure our children are protected and this is my priority and accept that this may mean that the relationship ends. I'm also conscious that this may happen anyway for a variety of reasons. This also includes if there are any new inappropriate relationships.

I think that the basis for any relationship need to include trust (and a whole host of other things). Trust is the key issue at the moment and I get the fact that she doesn't trust me or at least trust me completely.

I feel like I need to know what inappropriate relationships she has had before to confirm my suspicions. I get that this is going to be difficult for her to talk about (she only wants to look to the future). However, I feel like this is a test (for want of a better word) to see if she can tell me difficult things. This isn't about building more evidence to get rid of her as I want things to work out. If she can tell me where the risks were and can she tell me if things start going bad in future then this makes things easier for me and can start building something.

I don't know if this is a reasonable request, whether this is the right time to address this or we should wait until more therapy and then seek a specialist for relationship counselling who deals with this type of condition (bearing in mind we don't have a diagnosis so addressing the need for a specialist could be difficult).

In terms of how I feel, if she walked out today it wouldn't bother me as I have things in place to deal with work and the children. The relationship at the moment doesn't give me anything I need from a relationship but given the early stage of counselling I can accept this, for now. I know that I will not stay if things don't improve.

There seems to be very little advice on dealing with affairs in respect of BPD. I know that this is not a symptom of the condition, fear of abandonment tends to make BPD people loyal (but not always). I think that I was devalued and another idealized when I was working away from home (no longer doing this). She said that she considered leaving me during the affair but not to be with the other person.

Everything would have been so much easier if she had told me of her fears rather than go off with someone else!

Couple of other observations, she never makes any effort to suggest the two of us going out. She will discuss doing things as a family, which is great. She's getting better with helping out round the house and doing exercise. However, as soon as a female friend of hers wants to go out she will go out until 02.00 or 03.00 in the morning. If we go out, on the rare occasions, she is tired by 10.00 and wants to go home to sleep.

In terms of myself, I'm INTP personality type so don't have a feeling that I really need anyone to be happy as I can do that by myself. This makes it difficult as she needs me to need her to give her worth etc.

Slightly confused ramble but hope that makes some sense. Anyone else been through anything similar or knows what works well

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi AND-01! Welcome to the family!

Many of us here have been (or still are) in your shoes and we're happy to help.

It sounds to me like you're doing so much right. You're taking care of your children. You're seeking therapy for yourself and encouraging her to do the same. You've educated yourself and built up a support system. That's all awesome!  As you know, these relationships can be difficult and you're equipping yourself to deal with whatever happens.

Affairs and loss of trust deal terrible blows to any relationship, unfortunately.

I don't have an answer on whether or when to address the infidelity but someone else here may have some insight and experience to share. Have you asked your counsellor about that? Does he/she have any thoughts?

It sounds like you're sort of stuck in a holding pattern at the moment, not sure what to do. Have you given thought to how long you're willing to wait for improvement? And what that improvement should look like?

I hope you'll keep posting and reading in others' threads. You'll find that quite a few others here have dealt with infidelity and have experience to share. You may have some advice to help fellow posters as well.