17 year old daughter newly diagnosed with BPD

[hopefulinholly]

My daughter has been diagnosed with BPD and she is 17.  My world has been upside down with her pretty much forever and ever since the diagnosis, things definitely make more sense.  My problem is disciplining her.  I am easily guilt-ridden by her situation.  It makes me back off when I should stick to what I tell her.  I am having such a hard time figuring out how to stick to the consequences I create for her.  I am easily worn down because I am just exhausted by dealing with a new crisis every day.  She is doing drugs, sneaking out, failing in school now.  I feel like all I ever do is nag her but she does nothing i ask her to do and lies to me constantly.  I guess I am looking for advice on how people with children like this have been successful at getting past the emotion they display and finding a way to talk to their child that works.  My daughter doesn't seem to agree with anything I say concerning drugs or school and it is ridiculous what she does.  I am just at my wits end and need some encouragement from people who get it.  None of my friends can understand what it is like to have a child like this, who is so impulsive and doesn't ever look ahead to see the consequences of her actions.  What has worked for you?  

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[rolney]

Hi there,

I'm new to this forum too and have a daughter who was partly diagnosed at 17...but wouldn't return for a full diagnosis and has never been treated. She is 34 now and on the outside is a perfectly healthy successful, married mother of 2 beautiful daughters. On the inside she is a mess but that doesn't show as much now. We had all of the things that could happen, drugs, lieing, stealing, self harm, suicide notes, 11 car crashes (broke her back and both legs in one of those). Left home at 18, moved in with a drug dealer who was later jailed, waited for him for 2 years and after his release became pregnant with our much adored first grandchild. THAT is what turned her around...her daughter was a blessing to all of us. She cleaned up her act immediately, gave up drugs and all the people around them, split with the father and began climbing the corporate ladder. However, when she is stressed her anger explodes and she is completely irrational. If I see stress building in her life I try to minimise having an opinion about anything..I keep it very simple. This latest episode began 7 months ago because her husband said he wasn't happy as she is always angry...BOOM! attack Mum.

The thing I find MOST helpful is reading every bit of information I can get on BPD and watching lots of youtubes. I keep reminding myself BPD's feel emotion much more strongly than a non-BPD and perceive many things incorrectly or distort truths to "fit" how they are feeling...rather than look at the facts and realise their response is out of line. The research says they aren't intentionally manipulative and I think I have come to believe that to a large extent. I know my daughter has done some absolutely horrendous things to us, the worst being to keep our grand children away, but I do believe she is not doing this to manipulate. She is protecting herself and her family from the rejection she fears from us, so she rejects us instead...that way she's in control. It's so messed up. Anyway...the most important thing for you is to read read read, become informed, join a Family Connections group in your city if you can (there are long waiting lists but I was lucky to get on one in my city within 3 months). Knowledge gives you skills and choices in how you will move forward with a BPD in your life. It's a tough road so get all the help you can wherever you can get it.

I wish you all the best xx

[Tazzer4000]

Hi!  I'm pretty new to the site but I have been exactly where you are, only my daughter was 13 when this behavior started and I did not get a diagnosis until she was 15. I know what we had to do but I doubt you will like what I say, but here goes.

Our daughter had gotten to the point of being physically aggressive and running away.  The intensive in home therapist said that EVERY time she leaves without permission, we catch her with alcohol or drugs, or she becomes even verbally aggressive for more than 15 minutes (immediately if she is violating someones personal space and refuses to stop) we needed to call the police.  A report needed to be made.  She needed to start understanding that while she CAN do all these crazy things, there are always CONSEQUENCES to her actions.  We had to take all her electronics and privileges and she would be required to earn them back (and continue earning them back, it was not an all or nothing).

We did as instructed because we had tried everything else and nothing was working.  Well, this ended up having the effect that she was put on probation which she immediately violated the next day at school by giving Xanax to other students and drinking alcohol, while at school.  She got caught because some of the students who took the Xanax had to go to the hospital.  Luckily, no one was permanently harmed.  However, she was sentenced to a minimum stay of 6 months in juvenile detention.  It has been very difficult but after only 6 weeks she is showing signs of making real progress.  Far more progress than we ever saw in the 3 previous years with continual therapy and many hospitalizations.  The only way I could do this was with the support of friends, family, and this group.  And understanding that I would rather see her in juvenile detention (where they provide therapy and rehabilitation, in our state at least) than in adult jail because that is exactly where she was heading.  I know this solution seems harsh but we had reached the end of our rope and had no options left.  Hope this helps in some small way.  And glad your here!

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello HopefulinHolly I am both glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. You have come to the rigbt place for help and support. Discipline is very difficult for teens with BPD. But it is not impossible. Things can get better. The tools we learn here really do work. I think maybe a good place for you to start is by learning to stay out of the "FOG" of Fear, Obligation. and Guilt. You already mentioned your own guilt as a problem. The good news is you can change that. Here is the article about FOG. Does it help or ring true in your situation? Stay Out Of The Fog

[Mjobpd]

Hi!

My now dd18 was diagnosed at 17 but has been lying since she was in elementary school and had relationship problems since then as well.  I am relatively new here myself.  I've scoured the internet for "success stories" to give me some hope. Unfortunately, I haven't had much luck with that even  in the books I've read.

My dd has attempted 5 x's and threatened even more since 8th grade. Most recently after a 5 day inpatient that she knows exactly how to behave and what to say to get out of I asked for her to be discharged to a residential treatment center. She was there for a month which she insists taught her nothing.  We then went to a partial hospitalization out of state because there weren't any options for adolescents in our area. It was impossible to get her there each day.  She was so dysregulated. Finally she started with the suicide threats again and she went inpatient out of state. She got out quickly as she knows how. Once we got home she determined that I was the source of all of her unhappiness and that we'll just never get along (she wrote me letters at residential thanking me for being her rock...) She's moved in with her best friend's family. They graduate in a couple of weeks and I'll be there. We'll see if she acknowledges me. It's been tough hearing that she's the happiest she's ever been out of our house. I have to admit between the sadness I've been more at peace myself without the constant drama and blame. I've asked her what her plan is for when she has to leave her friend's and she says she'll get an apartment and go to community college (ex will pay for college but certainly not an apartment). She doesn't have $40 in the bank.

Most recently she told me that I made up dx when she was actually sad like any normal person (she's been to multiple dr's with the same dx) and that I've brainwashed her and she feels like Gypsy Rose Blanchard from The Act.  I had to look that up and actually spit my coke out of my mouth when I read about it. That's the most delusional thing she's said to me in a while.

Sorry to hijack your thread. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and if I find anything that makes even the slightest bit of difference or compels her to do some self evaluation I'll be sure to share. 

[SkellyII]

 I am easily worn down because I am just exhausted by dealing with a new crisis every day.  She is doing drugs, sneaking out, failing in school now.  I feel like all I ever do is nag her but she does nothing i ask her to do and lies to me constantly.  I guess I am looking for advice on how people with children like this have been successful at getting past the emotion they display and finding a way to talk to their child that works.  My daughter doesn't seem to agree with anything I say concerning drugs or school and it is ridiculous what she does.  I am just at my wits end and need some encouragement from people who get it.  None of my friends can understand what it is like to have a child like this, who is so impulsive and doesn't ever look ahead to see the consequences of her actions.  What has worked for you?  

Thanks!

Hi Hopefulinholly,

Welcome to the board!
If it's true that misery loves company, you've found the right place to be. 
Unlike your friends, we understand completely what you're going through as we're either dealing with it, or have dealt with it.

What works? Good therapy, self help and learning more about BPD. There's a lot of information on this website about BPD and how to deal with your loved one and her behaviours. Also, take a look at the recommended reading list.

Above all, take care of yourself. You can only help her if you're healthy, both physically and mentally.

[livednlearned]

My world has been upside down with her pretty much forever and ever since the diagnosis, things definitely make more sense.  My problem is disciplining her.  I am easily guilt-ridden by her situation.  It makes me back off when I should stick to what I tell her.  I am having such a hard time figuring out how to stick to the consequences I create for her.  

Is there a specific situation that is top of mind for you? Maybe we can walk through the scenario with you and see if there are suggestions that can help lighten your burden.