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[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, finally found somewhere I can start to get insight and help.
I look forward to reading your posts.

[Kayclan]

Hi, finally found somewhere I can start to get insight and help.
I look forward to reading your posts.

[Harri]

Hi Kayclan and welcome!

If you are dealing with a relative with BPD or BPD traits, or even just really difficult behaviors, you are in the right place and yes, we do understand.

I hope you settle in, read and jump into posts and share more of your story as you feel comfortable.

Again,

[Turkish]

Hi Kayclan,

Your profile indicates that you are struggling with a sibling.  Wee look forward to hearing more of your story and how best we can help support you.

T

[Kayclan]

Thank you for welcoming me. I hope I'm doing this correctly, having not posted before.
I invited a sibling to stay with me temporarily due to problems with her previous place of residence. This is the first time since we were teenagers that we've been under the same roof for longer than a week. It's been 6 months now. I'm now convinced she has BPD but no diagnosis has been made as far as I know. I need her to find her own place for my own wellbeing but I don't know how to encourage her to be more proactive. Have I laid a rod for my own back? Have I made it too comfortable for her? It's important for me to have a sisterly relationship with her because we have one other sibling and no other relatives here. How can I tell her to hurry up when she always has other matters which to her are more pressing?

[Harri]

Hi Kayclan! You did just fine posting!   

Okay, so your sister has been living with you for 6 months.  that is a long time.  Had you set a time line before she moved in or was that left open?  Is she contributing to the household with chores and or money?

Just trying to get a better idea of what has been said already. 

We have a variety of tools that can aid your relationship and with communication but I am not sure what to recommend at this point!  Can you give us an example of how a typical conversation goes when talking about something more difficult?  The more detail you share the better we will be able to see what is going on.

You can still have a sisterly relationship with her while setting boundaries and using other skills that will help you cope.

[Kayclan]

I replied this afternoon and can't find the post.  Does it go somewhere before it's published?

[Harri]

All responses are posted directly to the thread.

If you scroll up on this thread, you will see a reply you made earlier.  Is that the one you are looking for? 

I looked in your profile and I only see 3 posts made by you and they are all in this thread.

[Kayclan]

No, I  guess I must have made a mistake.I'll try again.
Referring to the questions asked. No timeline was entered into.  I know it would have been a good idea but I had previously had so much going on that I wasn't thinking straight.
She doesn't contribute financially but she does look after her own groceries and meals. She keeps the common areas tidy and takes the garbage out, but never makes her bed nor vacuums. She's germ phobic because of a skin condition.  I'm also paying for some storage for her. She is on a disability pension.
Next question...how she reacts to difficult conversation.  I'm a bit fearful of bringing up difficult things.
Here's a normal conversation. ...
Me...when will we be able to move the desk into your room so you can study in peace? (It's been 4 weeks)She uses the dining table.
Sis...can't do it now, too many other things to do. It's on my list.
Me...No I don't want to watch that now, I'm watching television.
Sis...throws her phone on the table and storms out.
We do have some good times of course, and we have laughed until our sides hurt.
There we are, just a start.

[Harri]

Here's a normal conversation. ...
Me...when will we be able to move the desk into your room so you can study in peace? (It's been 4 weeks)She uses the dining table.
Sis...can't do it now, too many other things to do. It's on my list.

How about saying something like: 
You:  We need to move the desk into your room.  Let's get it done on Saturday (or pick a day).
Her:  No, I am busy
You:  I understand you are busy and have a lot going on.  I need to get this done.   If we can't do it on Saturday, we can do it either on Monday or Wednesday.  Which do you prefer?
Don't give her an open time frame.  It will never get done.  It is your hose and while she is welcome there, this arrangement has to work for you.   

Me...No I don't want to watch that now, I'm watching television.
Sis...throws her phone on the table and storms out.

If she throws her phone on the table and storms out, let her.   It is not the best response for her to have but it is what she does.  Don't accept or accommodate such poor behavior.   No response from you is required.  In fact, any response, other than leaving her be to self soothe could result in reinforcing her behavior.   

Next time it happens that she wants to watch something you can say I am already watching this and would like to finish it.  We can watch ___ next.

Stay calm, allow her to have her reactions without internalizing them.  This will take practice on your part though.  Over time, things can improve for you as you begin to detach emotionally.  Don't let her emotional state dictate your internal state.

Can you see how this can apply to any other situations with her?

We do have some good times of course, and we have laughed until our sides hurt.

This is great to hear.   

[Kayclan]

That is helpful. I'm going to have the desk conversation very soon. I'll let you know what happens.
Regarding the phone thrown on the table scenario,  that is exactly what I did during that outburst. In 20 minutes life was back to normal and I  had hardly said a word. I had done it a week before as well and the same thing happened. It's different to the silent treatment, it's ignoring the behaviour rather than the person. That's my summation.  Thanks for confirming that.