Help with yet another outburst from BPD mother

[Kermit]

Hi there,

My mother has been slowing building up to another outburst and about a week ago she had an episode. I tried to go non-contact for about 3 months and that was hard. This time I am trying the grey rock approach. It works only for a limited time.

Because I have distanced myself over the last year or so she gets very upset with me that I don't care enough about her, my dad, sister or brother. This is really not true.

On thursday, she was mad when I called because it had been 4 days since we had talked. She said I don't care about my family and that I have changed and I am not the same. She said I don't care about my sisters recent breakup (which was totally false) and that I lied to her when I said I had offered to take my sister out to cheer her up.

(just a side note I have 3 children under 6, I am pregnant with my 4th due in 6 weeks, and I am currently in graduate school).

So she hung up on me as she does after she has said whats on her mind and left me upset. She will not phone me again for a long time or until I call her back and apologize or admit she is right.

So what do I do? This happens about everything 3 months and if I don't call or come over in the meantime she gets more and more upset. But I am just tired of the whole thing, defending my character, explaining my busy situation.

She hates psychology b.s, and will not understand that I need to remain calm and in control in my own life as a mom. I don't need the added stress of fighting with my mom because it causes me to get depressed, tearful, tired and short with my husband and children. I just loose patience with my children easier and I am not as present in enjoying our crazy beautiful life.

So any advice on next steps? I guess my options are:
-call back and time and mend the situation.
-continue on and just try to get over it and wait for her to call me or something

The problem is that there is really no mending the situation and if I call I have to either defend myself into another hang up argument, pretend like nothing happened or give in and apologize for whatever she thinks I have done. I am tired on this.

[Troubleswmommy]

This is so hard. I routinely go through a similar dance with my mother. Right now, we’re in a no-talking phase.

I guess what I am trying to do this time is ask myself what I need. Not in the future, not in the past, but in the present moment. And can I give it to myself? The answer is often surprisingly yes. Do I still want the same things I can give myself from my mother? (Ie. compassion, kindness, acceptance, etc.) Yes, I do! But can she give me those things? Not consistently, no. Is it fair? Not at all! Is it worth grieving? Yes! BUT what can I do in the meantime, to give myself the serenity I need to take care of my own family?

For me, the answer is mindful self compassion, which has helped so much, if make myself take the time to practice it. So rather than looking for answers to the external situation, I try to address my internal situation instead.

May I be peaceful.
May I know my own goodness.
May I accept myself as I am.

And then if I’ve got it down, I offer it to others:

May we...

And sometimes, I even offer it, in my meditation, to her...

You can find a lot of these meditations for free from the psychologist Chris Germer’s website.

This is my answer to prayer, since I’m an agnostic.

I hope it’s not too abstract an answer to be helpful.

[Harri]

Hi Kermit and welcome back.  You are pregnant!  That is wonderful!

I am sorry to hear that things are still difficult with your mom and like Troubleswmommy, I went through a similar times with my mom so I get it.

Have you ever just not responded when she is like this?  Let her cool off and self-soothe without calling her and just let it play out?  You calling her and 'making peace' is not really preventing her from getting angry... it just sort of kicks the can a bit further down the road and the issue crops up time and again.   Rather than doing something that makes you feel bad and leaves you open to more abuse, why not act in ways that are right for you.  If she gets angry, how is that any different than what she is already doing?

She said ... that I have changed and I am not the same.

This part of what she said is true.  You have changed and you are not the same.  That is a good thing and is the result of you starting to have boundaries and the beginning of detachment or differentiation.  These are good things for you but she will push back and she will push back for a while.  My mom never got over the changes I made.  That is because of her and the way she processes and thinks about things.  I still went about my business and did not apologize for things that were not mine to apologize for.

Are you familiar with the tools we talk about here?  I am specifically thinking about Don't JADE as I think it may help you with your current situation... or at least it is a first step in you continuing to differentiate and not be so invested in your moms reactions to your self-care and self-protection. 

[Shona]

When I read, just pretend that nothing happened, that is very much what my family does with everyone!

You are pregnant, so put you and your family first.  Have a break, cool down and then ring and pretend that nothing happened or say you are sorry that she feels that way.  There by apologising, but not accepting any blame!

I have always reacted to the way by sister acted, as I didn't understand how sick she was, but in hindsight may have been better to mediate and not react.

[Kermit]

Okay, this was again very helpful.

A lot of these tactics I have learned about, and I think I just need reminders to do them again (self-care, don't Jade, etc.)

I am getting so much better at handling these moments with my mom. I don't fall apart like I used to.

I think I am always trying to JADE! and you are right. It never works in my case. Never.
I have this need for her to see what she is doing and saying to me is so untrue and hurtful. Even though I know, she won't work for some reason I still forget everything I know about BPD and just become this daughter who wants her mom to be kind, accepting, normal and see reality.

Okay so...moving on this time...I will have to go about my business and let her be. When she phones me in a few weeks or a month, then I will be normal. In the meantime, I am going to put myself into self-care mode again and start up my meditation routine, and positive self-talk. It's so hard to realize that you have to give yourself the love and that your parents are not going to provide you with respect. They don't know how. It's like a sign of weakness for them.

Thanks again for the support. I am going to start over again and not ruminate on this situation.

[Libra]

Hi Kermit,  
Congrats on the pregnancy! 

It is so hard that they keep cycling into the same outburst mode time and time again. My mom is just the same. Only, she can take 6 months to a year to cycle back into outburst mode.
I think it is normal for you to revert back to old reactions and coping mehcanisms. The positive is that we can become aware of our reactions and change them, taking better care of ourselves and taking time to act mindfully instead of reacting and JADEing.

I too have to fight not to call back, not to JADE, not to feel guilty nor to ruminate.

Keep moving forward. Keep taking care of yourself. You deserve it!

 

Libra.

[Harri]

Kermit:

I am getting so much better at handling these moments with my mom. I don't fall apart like I used to.

This deserves some celebrating!   

I still forget everything I know about BPD and just become this daughter who wants her mom to be kind, accepting, normal and see reality.

    Yes.  This is hard.  I think that a lot of this hope we have is rooted in a survival mechanism.  I almost said a survival mechanism we no longer need, and in some ways we don't but In others, I wonder if even as adults we do need that or if it is just a left over from childhood, a sign we need to work on detaching? 

Sorry, just wondering out loud.

Okay so...moving on this time...I will have to go about my business and let her be. When she phones me in a few weeks or a month, then I will be normal. In the meantime, I am going to put myself into self-care mode again and start up my meditation routine, and positive self-talk. It's so hard to realize that you have to give yourself the love and that your parents are not going to provide you with respect. They don't know how. It's like a sign of weakness for them.

  Having realistic expectations of their capabilities and how that will influence how they interact with and treat us is vital.  Still hurts though it does not have to devastate us. 

Shona: 

I have always reacted to the way by sister acted, as I didn't understand how sick she was, but in hindsight may have been better to mediate and not react.

Not reacting is so important but so difficult too.  It gets easier though as we work on us, separating and differentiating and using the tools (which apply to all relationships, not just those with our pwBD).

Libra: 

I think it is normal for you to revert back to old reactions and coping mehcanisms. The positive is that we can become aware of our reactions and change them, taking better care of ourselves and taking time to act mindfully instead of reacting and JADEing.

Exactly! 

It is important to work on this stuff when times are good and calm and we are not in the middle of a crisis of sorts with our pwBPD.  When we know the tools and how to use them well, when a crisis hits, we can more easily access the techniques and apply them in more difficult situations before we get so upset.  I am not saying we won't react in some way, but we can certainly manage the depth of our reactions.